Defense  Secretary  Rumsfeld  barred digital cameras from military ba-
ses in Iraq.  .  .  .  Halliburton was paid to haul empty trucks across the
desert. .  .  .  NPR  was  still  relying  on  Trilby  Lundberg  to learn the
price of gasoline.  .  .  .  Candace Bergen was witness to a shooting on
6th  Avenue  and  exclaimed,  "This is the first time I've seen brain mat-
ter!" . . .  The University of Georgia lost the trademark to its name.  . . .
A man with clogged arteries sued Dr. Atkins' estate. . . . Colorado pro-
hibited lawsuits by fat people against fast food firms. . . . The FDA pro-
hibited sperm donations by homosexuals.

"EarthLink Customer Experience Team" sent us an e-mail titled
"EarthLink spamBlocker stops practically all junk email – free."

a.ende@att.net wrote Mon 17 May 2004 @06:42:30 CDT re "Fifteen
Chinese warehouse workers crushed to death in an avalanche of garlic":

"It was an  accident  waitin'  to  happen,"  said Moo Goo ("Gai") Pan,
the usually silent partner of Momma Jo's Café across the street.  "That
all's elephant garlic, I kept tellin' 'em  (at least that's what it says on the
box) – don't put it on the top shelf!  Guess they ain't accommodated to
how us folks from Kentucky pronounces things.  Oh,  well,  there's an-
other truckload of 15 comin' in tomorry. . . ."

And someone please tell me elephant garlic ain't Hunanese for elephant
gonads.
                                                                     General ("Zhou") Allende

Hundreds of motorists ran out of gasoline on major thoroughfares
in Louisville, victims of tainted gasoline that disabled fuel gauges.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld compared the
war in Iraq to the American Civil War,  saying, " The
carnage was horrendous,  and it was worth it."  .  .  .
"Nothing good or just can be built on the destruction
or suffering of others," President Bush said at a com-
mencement address. . . ."This system is broken," said
Gen. John P. Abizaid, U.S. commander in the Middle
East. . . . "Iraq is classic FUBAR," a returned GI said.
. . . Mayor Daley asked the Illinois legislature to allow
Chicago to own a casino.  .  .  .  The Vatican  advised
Catholic women not to marry Muslims. . . . Australia's
treasurer promised $2,000  for every child born in the
country: "Go home and do your patriotic duty tonight,"
he said. . . .California Governor Schwarzenegger sued
an  Ohio  toy  manufacturer  for  producing  an Arnold
"bobblehead"  doll  (the company makes bobbleheads
also of John Kerry, Tom DeLay, Howard Dean, Wes-
ley Clark, Anna Nicole, and Jesus).

"Pretence G. Poodles" sent us an e-mail titled "Soft.ware Blo.wout
 Sa.le - 1 day only ---- revolve bronx malaria moustache bromide
quetzal an copywriter map cessna altitude statewide crusade."

GI's harnessed an old Iraqi woman  and rode her like a donkey.
.  .  . Asked if Abu Ghraib set back American policy, Secretary
of Defense Rumsfeld said,  "Oh, I'm not one for instant history."
. . . CACI, employer of a civilian accused of abuse of prisoners
in Iraq, sells ethics training tapes to the government.  .  .  .  "The
system works," Rumsfeld told the Senate. . . . "People ought to
let him do his job," Vice President Cheney said. .  .  .  The U.S.
postponed release of its annual international human rights report.
. . .  A Muqtada al-Sadr aide said captured female soldiers may
be kept as slaves. . . .  "The system works," said Donald Rums-
feld. . . . German nightingales competing with urban sounds were
breaking a noise ordinance; one was recorded at the decibel lev-
el of a chain saw. . . .  Haitians were eating biscuits made of but-
ter, salt, water and dirt. . . . "The system works,"  said Rumsfeld.
. . . Fifteen Chinese warehouse workers were crushed to death in
an avalanche of garlic.

          [item 2 courtesy the New Yorker; rest, Harper's Weekly]

"Baptisms G. Underfunded" <litton@verbaldiarrhoea.com>

A North Dakota couple were arrested  in Henry County
with 800 pounds of cocaine in their RV (talk about put-
ting all your eggs in one basket!).

                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Solidified H. Viscera" <citizenship@sicktodeath.com> sent us an e-mail titled
"no more lying in applications – buy a degree from an accredited university here."

A Kansas City abortionist was accused of fetal cannibalism. . . .
A new Iraqi flag was condemned for its use of Israeli blue.  . . .
Two Democrats on the 9/11 Commission left the Bush-Cheney
session early for other appointments. . . . The Treasury Depart-
ment's Office of Foreign Asset Control last year  had  four staf-
fers assigned to terrorism and two dozen to Cuban embargo vi-
olations. . . . Rasputin's penis was on display at a Russian muse-
um.

A federal judge ruled that a state regulation prohibiting jockeys'
wearing ads and slogans on their uniforms violated their right to
freedom of speech (the decision came just in time to make yes-
terday's 130th Kentucky Derby the most colorful ever).

Luis Velasquez, who speaks no English, has been held in jail for
DUI without trial since November  because both the Judge and
the Public Defender say it's the other's  responsibility  to pay for
an interpreter.
                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

NASA forbade comment by all personnel on "The Day After To-
morrow," the global warming disaster movie opening May 28. . . .
American troops broadcast Arabic insults to the enemy in Fallujah
including, "You shoot like a goat herder."  .  .  .  King Carl Gustav
was seen driving his  yellow  Porsche  around southern Sweden at
speeds over 100 m.p.h.
                                         [items 2-3 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

"Telecasting K. Vignetting" sent us an e-mail titled "Borf, best meds."