June 27, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
BIGFOOT BABY FOUND
abandoned outside Neverland Ranch
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Allende! wrote Mon 21
Jun 2004 @09:28:56 CDT, \re last
week's item "Mongolians were ordered to adopt
surnames":
In defiance they all took the surname Barbecue, fled the
country, and
spread out to run soup kitchens in every small town
in America.
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
The cell phone has replaced dope as the
smuggled item ofchoice in
Texas prisons. . . . The Rev. Sun Myung Moon
declared himself
the
messiah at a coronation in the United
States Senate Office
Building
at which an Illinois congress-
man wearing white gloves carried a
crown
for Moon's wife.
. . . Vice President Cheney said he felt
better after
cussing
out Senator Patrick Leahy on the Senate floor. . . .
Presi-
dent
Bush endorsed the use of condoms to avoid AIDS.
. . . Natty
Bumppo met John W. Dean III at the Kentucky
Bar Association
convention
in Lexington; and Dean asked,
"Didn't I read about you in
the newspaper?" . . . Scientists
concluded that men are less
sensitive than women.
[
last item
courtesy Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"James" sent
us an e-mail titled "This is important."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include "James," Allende!
and Natty Bumppo.
June 20, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
RISEN REAGAN APPEARS
TO PARIS HILTON
[no, not at the Paris Hilton – courtesy Nathaniel Enquirer]
Shocking CIA leak reveals . . .
DICK CHENEY IS A ROBOT
When he goes to the hospital,
it's to get his circuits rewired
[courtesy Weekly World News -- cf.
Maureen Dowd, New York Times]
Hollywood's best & worst
BEACH BODIES!
Best:- Serena Williams
- Beyoncé
- Harrison Ford
Worst:- Dustin Hoffman
- Clint Eastwood
- Ryan O'Neal
[
courtesy the Star -- maybe you need to
see the
photos -- you probably should buy this
issue]
KNIFESTYLES
of the rich & famous is a feature in the Star,
on plastic surgery for celebrities.
This week's issue contains
photographic speculation on
a brow lift and lower lid work on
Kathie Lee Gifford.
Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky:
Two Hoosiers were arrested in Louisville by Mayor
Jerry
Abramson, who caught them lifting city mulch.
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
President Bush, unveiling his immediate predecessor's official
por-
trait at the White House, praised Bill Clinton for his
"compassion
and forward looking spirit"; and Clinton responded, "We are
held
together by this grand system of ours." . . . A federal judge in
Tex-
as ruled that batter-coated frozen french fries are fresh
vegetables.
. . . An Alaskan college DJ was fired for celebrating former
Presi-
dent Reagan's death on the air (but it appears that
Harper's
Week-ly got away
with "Ronald Reagan finally died"). . . . A tourist com-
mitted suicide by jumping out of a helicopter over the Grand
Can-
yon. . . . Mongolians were ordered to adopt surnames. . . . A
Vir-
ginia astronomer reconstructed the sound of the Big Bang and
re-
ported that it sounded like a "majestic" major third chord that
seg-
ued to a "sadder" minor third. . . . Yahoo! crashed Thursday
night.
[
items 3-6 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Loyd Valentin" sent us
an e-mail titled "Bumppo pig pen 8030 curses."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Paris Hilton and
Dick Cheney.
June 13, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (our apologies if
this edition is delayed in its
reaching you. We have gone be-
yond our usual transmission hour
waiting for the Resurrection
at sunrise PDT. We have as yet no
news on this, but you will
be sure to get it next week):
GAY ALIENS FOUND
IN WRECKED UFO
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
MOBSTER RATS OUT SON
[courtesy
the Globe]
Hillary & Bill:
IT'S OVER
[courtesy National Examiner]
BUSH SEX SCANDAL:
Capitol intern beds
D.C. bigwigs for $$$
[courtesy National Enquirer]
RFK'S HOT FLING WITH JACKIE O
[courtesy the Globe]
DAUGHTER ATTACKS O.J.
[courtesy National
Enquirer]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 06 Jun 2004 @17:59:59 PDT:
Here's my spammer of the week:
"Cleo Hetu"
sent me an e-mail
titled
"Open this attachment to See if you have trojan
virus or spyware."
Dumb news from Kentucky:
It was Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher's 32-year-old airplane
flying into
Washington, without a signal or a clue, that triggered the
evacuation of the
Capitol and other government buildings during the Reagan wake.
. . . A
Hopkinsville man was arrested for BUI (bicycling under the
influence).
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
President Bush, apparently unaware that President Chirac
was
once
the agriculture commissioner of France, invited
him to "come
down
to the ranch in Crawford to see some
cows." . . . Five mortar
shells
went off during the inauguration
of Iraq's new government. . . .
Wal-
Mart was reported to
have received more than $1 billion in
subsidies
from local
governments. . . . An 11-year-old Japanese
schoolgirl fa-
tally stabbed a classmate, and two Swedish teen-agers were
charged
with planning to kill people at their school to com-
memorate
Columbine. . . . Lightning extinguished Flames in
Stanley Cup final.
. . . North
Korea banned cell phones.
[
items 1-4, 6 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Our spammer of the week:
"Monty Cabrera" sent us an
e-mail titled "Rooock Haaard Ereeeectiooons
In 60 Seecooonds."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Governor Ernie,
Cleo Hetu, and Monty Cabrera.
June 6, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
TWO-INCH DINOSAURS
FOUND ALIVE IN BRAZIL
[courtesy Weekly World News]
O. J. outrage:
'BURY ME
NEXT TO NICOLE'!
[ courtesy National Examiner]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
MTV refused ads for "Super Size Me," a documentary about a
man who eats nothing but McDonald's for a month. . . . China
shipped one of the Buddha's fingers to Hong Kong. . . . Former
Nixon speechwriter
William Safire, now a New York Times col-
umnist, called for abolition of the penny. . . . Scott
Peterson's at-
torney called his client a cad in his opening statement at
trial. . . .
President Bush hired a lawyer. . . . The American Literacy Soci-
ety picketed the National Spelling Bee.
[
items 1-2 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Darla Barton" <chnhdwwlsumocu@cutey.com>
sent us an e-mail
titled "wiretapping phlox."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Darla Barton.