September 26, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
World's fattest dog!
Guess porky pooch's weight and win $500
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
NEW PROOF BUSH SNORTED COCAINE
[courtesy National Enquirer (and Dan Rather)]
Charles Manson gets own talk show
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
It's official:
Diana WAS murdered
- She was 4 months pregnant
- Secret affair with royal relative
[courtesy National Examiner]
LISA MARIE MOVES TO GRACELAND
– with new man
[courtesy National Examiner]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 19 Sep 2004 @07:46:12 PDT
re last week's headline "GOOD BUTT / BAD BUTT":
What, no J-Lo?
We, too, were a little surprised that Jennifer Lopez and
her $27 million derriere were not mentioned in the Globe
feature. Is it a case of assé passé? – Ed.]
FGDean@aol.com wrote Thu 23 Sep 2004 @09:16:37 PDT
re the new California law prohibiting necrophilia:
Who cares if Ahnold didn't solve our budget problem?
The Governator is protecting us from those who would
violate our remains.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A state trooper was arrested for DUI.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Republicans in West Virginia said Democrats will ban the
Bible if
John Kerry becomes President. . . . Two Canadian lesbians got
a
divorce. . . . Chicago Mayor Daley announced a new
surveillance
system that will use 2,000 remote-controlled cameras. . . . A
Uni-
ted Airlines flight from London toWashington was diverted to
Ban-
gor, Maine, to disgorge Yusuf Islam, the artist formerly
known as
Cat Stevens, who was on the "no fly" list. . . .Elton John
told a mob
of reporters at the Taipei airport they were "rude, vile pigs."
... Curt
Schilling telephoned a sports talk show to complain about a
"stupid,
idiotic comment" by the host. . . . A British surgeon
reported that
dogs can smell cancer in urine. . . . Jimi Hendrix' estate was
settled.
[items 1-3 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Kurtis Howard" sent us an e-mail titled "cough syrup 8 clocks."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Yusuf Islam, Elton
John, Curt Schilling, Charles Manson and Larry King.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" -- Karen Crockett
September 19, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
GOOD BUTT, BAD BUTT
- Cameron Diaz: GOOD BUTT!
- Angelina Jolie: BAD BUTT!
- Paris Hilton: NO BUTT!
- Guess who? WORST BUTT!
[courtesy the Globe – OK, we peeked
inside: They
don't answer the "guess who" question,
but they do
say, "No wonder they call Madonna
the 'Material
Girl' – it takes quite a bit of
material to cover her
rear," and "When guys call Monica
Lewinsky 'honey
buns' they might mean she's been eating
too many of
them." Plenty of photos – including
one great shot
of Kirstie Alley's keister. – Ed.]
NOVEMBER ELECTION CANCELED
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
Homicide victims recalled
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Indiana:
Twenty-nine inmates at the State Prison in Michigan City have
pet cats, and eleven more cats are on the way. Cats "bring a
homelike setting to a facility that's usually cold or sterile,"
said
Dianne Bell, coordinator of the Delta Society's Pet
Partners
program, which provides pets to prisoners.
[courtesy South
Bend Tribune]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Inmates rioted at a contract prison in Lee County when 400
prisoners were imported from Vermont, doubling population
and halving yard time and other privileges.
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal – It was not report-
ed whether there were any pets on the premises. – Ed.]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
An initiative to decriminalize prostitution will be on the
ballot in
Berkeley, California. . . . Governor Schwarzenegger signed a
bill
to prohibit necrophilia in California. . . . The governing
par-
ty in
Turkey abandoned a proposal to criminalize adultery. . . .
Governors in at least 18 states have received letter bombs from
the
Ely
State Prison in Nevada (the Unabomber resides at a fed-
eral prison in Colorado). . . . "Texans for Truth" offered a $50,-
000
reward for proof that George W. Bush fulfilled his National
Guard
duties. . . . A pitcher for the Texas Rangers threw a chair
at
heckling fans in Oakland and broke a woman's nose. . . .
Mac-
aulay
Culkin was arrested on drug charges.
[item 2 courtesy Reuters and
Gerry Blue]
Spammers of the week:
"Bud Putnam" and "Johnnie Moreland" sent
us
e-mails titled
"chèat on your wife tonight."
"Bianca Barrera" sent us
an e-mail titled "pump your girlfriend
with semen!"
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Dianne Bell, Rudy
the Thug, and Morris the Cat.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" -- Karen Crockett
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
– Karen Crockett
September 12, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
Socialite's shocking confession:
'I WAS BIGFOOT'S LOVE SLAVE
– and now I'm having his baby! '
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
Hollywood's 20 hottest rumors!
- MEL's cheating heart
- LISA MARIE's family secret
- LIZ' hush-hush affair
- Is GARTH a cheapskate?
[courtesy National Examiner]
Andy Griffith visits Mayberry last time
[courtesy
National Examiner]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Medicare scooters were creating traffic jams in Paintsville.
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from California:
SODS (sudden oak death syndrome) was threatening Ken-
tucky timber.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Alan Keyes called Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter "a selfish
hedonist."
. . . A man was arrested in Louisiana for mounting a potbelly
pig. . . .
Chinese zookeepers showed videos to a panda to teach her to care
for
her cubs. . . . Jennifer Lopez' butt is insured for $27 million,
but David
Beckham's legs are insured for $70 million (we've come a
long way
from burliqueen Evelyn West, whose "Treasure Chest" was insured
for
$50,000). . . . . Buttock augmentation surgery was on the rise.
[items 1-3, 5
courtesy Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Reynaldo K. Rossi" sent us an e-mail titled "Football not good."
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
– Karen Crockett
September 5, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
Exclusive interview! First since Aug. 26, 1977
ELVIS IS ALIVE
'That was a double in my coffin –
thank you, thank you very much'
[courtesy Weekly World News]
JESUS HAS RETURNED
– as a child
[courtesy the Sun]
SAUDI TOY MAKER SELLING
COLLAPSIBLE TWIN TOWERS
[courtesy Weekly World News]
JANE PAULEY BATTLES FOR SANITY
[courtesy National
Enquirer]
ALIEN SLIMES TERESA HEINZ KERRY
– WITH KETCHUP
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
DIMWIT SUES RAZOR COMPANY
AFTER SHAVING OFF HIS NOSE!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Ten tips for
seducing your teacher!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Dick Cheney opposed a constitutional amendment banning gay
marri-
age. . . . In a rare moment of truth, President Bush said
the "war on
terror" cannot be won; John Kerry's staff called the President
a "flip-
flopper," and Kerry said the war can be won. ... The Census
Bureau
reported 36 million Americans living in poverty and 45 million
without
health insurance. . . . The Cleveland Indians beat the New York Yan-
kees 22 to 0. . . . A bag of garbage titled "Recreation of
First Public
Demonstration of Auto-Destructive Art" on display at Tate Modern
in
London was thrown out by a janitor, who thought it was a bag of
gar-
bage. . . . Kobe Bryant apologized for not raping Katelyn
Faber.
[items 1, 3, 5
courtesy Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Vivien Dan" sent us an e-mail
titled "New Geneeriic VV? Read
more!
trar?= foa."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jesus, Elvis, Jane
Pauley, and Katelyn Faber.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
