January 30, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
UFO WASHED ASHORE BY TSUNAMI
Abducted Montana woman
found in spacecraft's lab
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
ANTICHRIST WILL RUN
FOR PRESIDENT!
[courtesy the Sun]
SHOOTING NOT A PROBLEM
ANY MORE FOR KENTUCKY
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
15 DIE OF BOREDOM
WATCHING J-LO DVD
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
FGDean@aol.com wrote Weds 26 Jan 2005 @09:57:50 PST re
the "dumb news from Indiana" about the man who offered to buy
a
plot of the courthouse lawn to display the Ten Commandments:
Your alternative state motto for Indiana is still apt.
Thank you.
[The motto Mr. Dean refers to is "Indiana: The
only
Southern
state north of Mason's & Dixon's Line." – Ed.]
Dumb news from California:
Prosecutors were considering the death penalty for the man
who
botched his suicide in parking his SUV on a commuter
railroad
line in Los Angeles County, causing an accident that
killed 11
persons.
Another suicidal man parked his SUV on a commuter
rail line
in Orange County.
[courtesy
Associated Press]
Borf's Weekly BONUS [courtesy NPR, Courier-Journal, CNN, Harper's
Weekly, Strange Times, New York Times]:
The nominee for Ukrainian prime minister called her predecessor
a "red-
haired cockroach." . . . A score of Russian legislators,
accusing Jews of
fomenting antisemitism, proposed outlawing Jewish
organizations. . . .
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi called democracy evil and incompatible with
the
rule of God because it allows adherents to choose their
religion. . . . A
Greek cartoonist got six months in prison for depicting
Jesus as a pot-
smoking hippie. . . . Hours after an Italian man killed
himself because his
wife had been in a coma for four months, she awoke. . . . A
Delaware
man who robbed a pizza delivery woman called her later to
apologize and
to ask for a date (he was arrested). . . . Some residents of
Gilbert, Minne-
sota,
objected to calling their historic festival "
Whorehouse Days." . . . A
rival
of the Vermont Teddy Bear Co., manufacturer of the
straitjacketed
"Crazy for You" bear, announced a new line called "Who Cares"
bears. ...
"It's a sponge, for crying out loud!" said Nickelodeon TV's Dan
Martinsen.
Spammer of the week:
We received an e-mail from "Leopoldo Fitch"
titled "Ruthie call your sister to do it."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future will include Mike Skenzich,
mayor of Gilbert, Minnesota.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
January 23, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
ANEXORIC GIRL EATS
WORLD'S FATTEST CAT
[courtesy Weekly World News]
100-YEAR-OLD WOMAN PREGNANT
Father
is 91
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Dumb news from Indiana:
A Crawfordsville man offered to buy a plot of the Montgomery
County Courthouse lawn to display the Ten Commandments.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A thriving Harlan County sex shop converted to a Christian
bookstore when its proprietor got "saved" is now for sale
because the business is failing.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Chicago:
A Dave Matthews Band bus driver was cited for dumping 800
pounds of human waste on a boat and its 100 passengers. Au-
thorities said the driver, Stefan Wohl, emptied the bus's
septic
tank when it crossed the metal grate of a bridge over the Chica-
go River as the tour boat Chicago's Little Lady cruised below.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
The Army planned to deploy knee-high robots with machine guns
to fight Iraqi insurgents. . . . A Philippine policeman was
accused
of eating a fellow officer's bomb-sniffing dog. . . The second
half
of a National Basketball Association game in Orlando was delay-
ed by a seeing eye dog that defecated on the court. . . . $12
mil-
lion of homeland security funds designated for Washington
were
allocated to the inauguration. . . . Parents of the 1.3
billionth citi-
zen of China turned down sponsorship deals from diaper makers,
saying the baby "is too young, and commercial activities will
have
a negative impact on his healthy growth. . . . The California
cities
Anaheim and Los Angeles lost their lawsuit to keep the American
League baseball team in Anaheim from changing its name from the
Anaheim Angels to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
[
courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
We received an e-mail from "Perdita Booker" titled
"software at incredibly low prices (62% lower)
wenches simulate."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Zhang Tong, father
of Zhang Yichi, the "1.3 billionth citizen of China."
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
January 9, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
CLARENCE THOMAS IS
'BLACK POWER' MOLE
[courtesy Weekly World News]
PARIS HILTON CAUGHT STEALING
– and we've got photos!
Lifts her own X video at newsstand
[courtesy National Enquirer]
POST OFFICE ISSUING XXX STAMPS
to honor porn stars
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Sun 2 Jan 2005 @13:57:24 EST:
I can vouch for your alternate sources. as I was in the
store
the other day and I saw the hog-zilla headline. This
has hap-
pened to me before, where I have inadvertently
confirmed
what you write. So – about the Kate Bosworth blurb.
Are
we to draw our own conclusions?
Nah, that one was attributed to GQ
* magazine in its reproduction
in the Louisville Courier-Journal and other Associated Press
rags.
I actually saw it in print – and that makes it
undeniable, right?
Thanks for the confirmation!
– The Editor* Formerly Gentlemen's Quarterly (it's now a monthly).
Sic
transit KFC (formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken) and FFA
(formerely Future Farmers of America).
Nancy DeSota Butler wrote Sun 2 Jan 2005 @14:25:38 CST:
Ironic that your asterisk referred to your ass-breakin'
fall (:-).
Dumb news from Indiana:
Trial began for the owner of a farm near Peru where unlicensed
hunters were allowed to shoot drugged deer. One of the
first wit-
nesses was Ronnie Dunn, of the country music duo Brooks &
Dunn, who testified he had his first deer hunting experience on
the farm, and whose name appeared in promotional brochures.
[courtesy
South Bend Tribune]
Dumber news from Indiana:
The Indianapolis Star endorsed "daylight saving" time.
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
An incoming relief plane collided with a cow on the runway at
Ban-
da Aceh. . . . Cardiovascualar surgeons sought to rid the
Cleveland
Clinic of fast food shops (Pizza Hut has left; McDonald's,
Subway
and seven others remain). . . . Missouri legalized bare-handed
cat-
fishing. . . . Snow fell in Brownsville, Texas, and the
United Arab
Emirates. . . . A 67-year-old Romanian woman was pregnant with
twins. . . . U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer showed
up
for district court jury duty in Marlborough, Massachusetts, and Sen-
ator
John
McCain showed up for municipal court jury duty in Phoe-
nix, Arizona. . . .
Bevis Lake, in northwestern Washington, now is
called Butthead
Lake
in U.S. census records.
[
courtesy Courier-Journal, Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
We received an e-mail from "roughrock"
titled "by invitation only and your invited."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Karen Crockett.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
January 2, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket* – this week's headlines:
HOG-ZILLA!
Mutant 12-foot pig
killed in Georgia
[courtesy Weekly World News]
KIRSTIE TURNS FAT TO GOLD
Secret behind diet deal
[courtesy the
Globe]
Survey:
One of ten drivers you pass
on
road is naked from waist down!
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
Texas Monthly Bum Steer awards:
Jessica Simpson is no
Anna
Nicole Smith –
but she'll do
[courtesy Texas Monthly]
Dumb news from Indiana:
Religious historical preservationists in Adams County are
raising $33,-
000 to restore and move the 19th century home of the "
Flying
Parson
in Yellow Buckskins."
[
courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Twenty logging companies cried "discrimination" when their
applications
to join Kentucky Heartwood, a tree-sitting environmentalist
group, were
denied.
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Quotation of the week:
"Great Danes are
just, like, so great, aren't they? They're just, like, big
dogs!
I know!
Yeah, yeah. Great Danes are great. Oh, my God, they just so
are!"
– blonde actress Kate Bosworth to GQ magazine
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Four Israeli antiquities dealers were indicted for forging
Jesus' brother
James' burial box and three other Biblical artifacts. . . . A
Turkish his-
torian accused Armenia of genocide. . . . Adoptees and foster
parents
asked Fox TV to cancel a new reality game show called "Who's
Your
Daddy?" . . . Polls rated "Stairway to Heaven" the greatest rock
song
of all time and indicated that gay people make more cell
phone calls....
A man bit off and swallowed another man's finger in a
bar brawl
in Zim-
babwe. . . . A study found that young owls learn faster
than old
owls.
[
courtesy Courier-Journal, Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"rory markham" sent us an e-mail titled
"All the possibilities and some ways to help
fogarty."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Kirstie Alley, Kate
Bosworth, Jessica Simpson and Anna Nicole.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
* In the interest of journalistic full disclosure, your editor must
confess
that he did not browse in the supermarkets for this week's
headlines.
He slipped on the ice and fell on his ass just after dinner on
Christ-
mas
Day and broke his hip. But you can find this tripe beyond the
supermarket. (A survey found that more Americans die on Christ-
mas Day
and January 2 than on any other days of the year.)