Todd Martin wrote Mon 25 Jul 2005 @21:47:19 EDT:

Thank you for the tabloid headlines.   Nothing
better than readin' the Star waitin' in line.

Bob Hill wrote Tues 26 Jul 2005 @07:06:30 EDT:

At least the horse didn't die.

Pete Falcon wrote Tues 26 Jul 2005 22:55:06 CDT:

Linda Lovelace strikes again.

A bipolar woman in Dyer beat her two sons to death with a dumbbell
so they could go to heaven.
                                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly]

Kentucky dropped to 42nd among the states in child welfare, prompting
children's advocate  Terry  Brooks  to suggest that the state's new motto
should be "Thank goodness for Mississippi,"  not "unbridled spirit."

"This is a huge victory for sunshine lovers!"

-- Congressman Edward Markey (D-Mass.), co-sponsor of
    the bill to extend "daylight saving" time by four weeks

"It wasn’t like a three-ring circus," said the groom's father of a
bachelor party given by ex-Tyco executive Dennis Kozlowski,
father of the bride.  "There was only one dwarf."   .  .  .  Heidi
Fleiss, who has served her time, was planning to open a broth-
el in Nevada,  where  she  "now will do my crime legally,"  she
said. . . . Michael Jackson announced  that he would build an-
other Neverland near Berlin.  .  .  . Five of the nine women on
Northwestern University's  champion lacrosse team  wore flip-
flops in a photo with the President at the White House.  . . .  A
Kenyan offered Bill and Hillary Clinton twenty cows  and forty
goats for Chelsea. . . . Two teen-age boys were executed in I-
ran for homosexuality. . . . An airline passenger groped back in
Wisconsin.  . . .  An umpire ordered a team  to  stop  speaking
Spanish  in a Little League tournament in Massachusetts.  .  .  .
Alabama-shaped signs showed up on Massachusetts highways.

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"Normand John" sent us an e-mail titled "My Friend, You are in Trouble."

Pete Falcon wrote Tue 19 Jul 2005 @10:48:13 CDT:

You must reveal your sources on the Princess Di / JFK Jr. story.

OK, all right, already!  It was Karl Rove.  -- Ed.

A 22-month-old Fort Wayne tot was the two-time victim
of identity theft.  .  .  . A Kokomo fire department captain
was reprimanded for watering his lawn from a fire truck.

                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"When all these little teeny-boppers finally go into rehab,
  they're going to get fat too."
                                                         -- Courtney Love

Bob Woodward  offered to serve part of Judith Miller's jail
time. . . . Dennis Kucinich was in love. . . . Police are inves-
tigating  a  bestiality  farm  in Washington state where a man
died of internal bleeding after copulation with a horse.  .  .  .
Another Guantanamo inquiry found that forcing a prisoner to
behave like a dog is not inhumane.  .  .  .  A study found that
prayer does not help heart patients.  .  .  .  A Tennessee man
was jailed for burning a flag. . . .  A fish caught by a Malayan
boy jumped  into  his  throat  and choked him to death.  .  .  .
Debra Lafave,  the 24-year-old Florida teacher charged with
carnal knowledge of a 14-year-old student,  pleaded insanity.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

• Their secret night together
• The desperate love letters
  

A Western Kentucky University student  with a 4.0 grade point average
died falling off a moving automobile while "car surfing" in Louisville. .  .  .
Two missing convicts were found buried in a landfill serving their prison.

                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier Journal]

Scientists  concluded  that taking regular showers can cause
brain damage. . . . Air Supply played the Karl Marx theater
in Havana. .  .  .  A Weekly Reader editor was arrested for
internet solicitation of sex with a 14-year-old boy (or, so he
thought). . . . TV psychologist Lisa Berzins collapsed on the
floor of a Connecticut grocery store from inhaling propellant
from whipped cream cans. . . . A man was arrested at Wal-
Mart in East Syracuse, N.Y.,  for taking pictures  up  ladies'
skirts with his cell phone.  . . .  A restaurant in New Zealand
was offering a horsemeat dish called "Mr. Ed is Dead." .  .  .
Billy Graham's daughter was arrested for choking her hubbie
in a Florida shopping center parking lot. .  .  .  A debt-ridden
Atlanta suburbanite shot a postman in  hope  the  government
would support him the rest of his life in prison.  .  .  .  A Japa-
nese teen-ager  bashed a 52-year-old teacher  for  admonish-
ing his 12-year-old protegé to attend school.

"ºñÆû" sent us an e-mail titled "¾÷¹«»ó ¾ø¾î¼­´Â¾ÈÆ ÆÄÆ®³Ê ¼­½Ä..."

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 03 Jul 2005 @07:08:45 PDT re last
week's item about the Zamboni operator charged with DUI:

Thanks for the educational content.  I never knew what a
Zamboni was, before this issue.

It's sort of like a trombone, only different. -- Ed.

A skydiver jumping tandem with a trainee  collided with a videographer
diving to record the event and plunged to his death on the Ohio-Indiana
border.  Film at 11  (they used to say "Film at 10" in Indiana, but -- you
know.  Ask Dave Foster if you don't).

A man on his way to church in Muncie was killed by a freight train when
his wheelchair stalled on the tracks.

Four dogs owned by a neighbor killed an 83-year-old man in the yard of
his rural Morgan County home (there's lotsa ways to die in Indiana).

                                                   [courtesy Louisville Courier Journal]

Putting one little word after another, and shouldn't Kentucky's new motto
be "bridled spirit," not "unbridled spirit"?  (Or, maybe, "unbridled spirits.")

A  New Zealand  baby  got ten times the normal dose of tes-
tosterone in a penis enlargement process and  became  angry
(Harper's Weekly  reported  that  a doctor warned of painful
erections "but that problem had yet to arise").  . . . The Army
reduced its June recruiting quota by a thousand  and  announ-
ced it had exceeded its goal by 507.  . . .  A Pennsylvania far-
mer was trampled to death in his barn. . . .  Lightning struck a
New Hampshire boy through his video game controller. . . . A
cleric in Lebanon issued a fatwa banning shooting guns into the
air.  . . .  An Irani was sentenced to have his eyes surgically re-
moved. . . . The City Council nixed the Whorehouse Days fes-
tival in Gilbert, Minn. . . . 1,500 sheep followed one another o-
ver a cliff in Turkey, and 450 at the bottom of the pile died. . . .
Rapper Lil' Kim was sentenced to a year in prison  for  perjury
(but not for misspelling Li'l). . . .  A Texan was arrested for res-
cuing a drowning man with an Arabic name.  . . .  A North Da-
kota sex offender  "blogged"  his  surrender to temptation  four
days before he murdered an Idaho family  and  kidnapped two
children. . . . A panther prayed in Japan.

"Carey Payton" sent us an e-mail titled "tharder erevctions and more csum," and
"Antoinette Santiago" sent us an e-mail titled "eshoot bucket loads of stperm."

Two Southern Indiana legislators, upon hearing of the Supreme Court
ruling in the Texas case, asked Governor Daniels to erect a Ten Com-
mandments monument on the Statehouse lawn.

A 7-year-old boy was charged with murder for stabbing his mother's
boy friend to death.  Mama was charged with complicity.

                                                             [courtesy Courier Journal]

Long live Edgar Ray Killen.

The mother of 2-year-old quintuplets in Missouri  was charged
with neglect for leaving four of them attended by  only  their  3-
year-old brother.  . . .  Swiss workers covered a glacier with a
blanket to keep it from melting. .  .  .  A Swede died of injuries
suffered in the crash of a helicopter  on which he took a ride to
celebrate his 100th birthday. .  .  .  A Floridian on oxygen died
when the electric company cut off power to his son's home. . . .
Judges in North Carolina considered whether the Koran  could
be used instead of the Bible  to  administer  an oath.[JournalNow]  .  .  .  The
$8,000  "modesty  curtains"  were removed from statues at the
Justice Department, again exposing an aluminum nipple. . . .  It
was  reported  that Princess Diana cut off an affair with John F.
Kennedy Jr. because of astrological incompatibility. . . . A cus-
tomer in a North Dakota grocery cart  and a Zamboni operator
in New Jersey were charged with DUI. . . . A Japanese psychi-
atric counselor recited pi, from memory, to 83,431 decimal pla-
ces . . . Billy Jack is back.