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Pete Falcon wrote Weds 21 Nov 2007 @11:53:13 CST:

The eight cows that escaped from McDonald's  in  West
Haven, Utah -- did they have banners around their necks
that said "Eat more chicken?"

Mitchell's mayor-elect's daughter's 3-year-old beagle, Quincy, was
killed by an arrow shot clear through him.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

Nine women who had killed their husbands or boy friends jointly pe-
titioned outgoing Governor Ernie for pardons.
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

" . . . Indiana officials . . . have enjoyed windfall gambling revenues
for 12 years.  Now, in light of the election of a new Kentucky gov-
ernor who backs legalizing casinos, they are bracing for a . . . hit to
their jackpot.   But don't cry for Indiana.   Its  strategy  was  sleazy
from its inception. . . . "

                  [from an editorial in the Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Hannah Montana," 15
"That Girl," 70

Six cheerleaders were suspended for showing their panties in
a football finale in Ripon, California.  .  .  .  King Juan Carlos'
words to Hugo Chavez, "Why don't you shut up?",  have be-
come a popular cell phone ring tone in Spain.  .  .  .  A Polish
immigrant died from being  tasered  at the Vancouver airport,
and a former policeman known as Klutzo the Clown died the
same way at the jail in Springfield,  Illinois. . . . Three boys in
Acworth, Georgia, aged 8 and 9, were charged with the rape
of an 11-year-old girl,  who afterward told friends about it  at
a slumber party. . . .  Sandra Day O'Connor's senile husband,
for whom she left the bench,  has taken up with another wom-
an at the old folks home.
                                           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 11 Nov 2007 @09:52:27 PST
re "Bon courage," the quotation of the week from Nicolas Sar-
kozy, cutting off a question about his wife:

Meaning?

To which the Editor replied:

We found one translation to "good luck," but "good luck" in
French normally is "bonne chance."   Sarkozy et femme are
rather notoriously getting a divorce. . . .  Does that help?

To which FGDean@aol.com replied @11:05:49 PST:

Yeah, it all helps.  I had not read nor heard about their trou-
bled marriage.  It appears that the rough translation is "Wish
me luck" or some such.

Dusty wrote Tues 13 Nov 2007 @16:40:14 CST:

Can you tell me the time the world will end on Thanksgiving
Day?   I want to know if I'll have time for dinner, and I'd like
to have all my critters assembled so we can go together - as-
suming we're gong anywhere. I'd also like to have time to tell
off a few people  . . .  and tell them I will be the cause of their
deaths (what the hey, might as well leave them wondering).

Terry Crow wrote Sun 11 Nov 2007 @13:48:14 PST, re the man
and wife in Hell, Michigan, who won the lottery on Halloween:

. . . There used to be a Hell, California, in the Mojave Desert,
which had a wedding chapel and sold bumper stickers stating:
"We were married in Hell." . . .  The LA papers always noted
when LA was hotter than Hell . . . .  Unfortunately, Hell went
out of  business . . . .  Maybe it was real . . . .

MoMassAKIA@aol.com wrote Sun 11 Nov 2007 @19:24:40 EST:

How did I live without this newsletter?  Thx so much. – Mo

T-men and G-men raided an Evansville mint  producing "Liberty Dollars"
and hauled away two tons of copper coins and 500 pounds of silver and
gold coins all bearing the image of presidential candidate Ron Paul. . . .

A change machine at a car wash in New Castle paid off $260.50 in quar-
ters (U.S.)
                                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

The family of an eastern Kentucky woman who died from snake worship
sued the hospital and medical practitioners who treated her (or didn't) for
snakebite.
                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader, Len Zanger]

Two dozen cultists awaited the end of the world in a cave 400
miles southeast of Moscow and vowed to blow themselves up
if interfered with.  . . . The King of Spain told Hugo Chavez to
shut  up.  .  .  . Mitt  Romney  said  children are better off with
dead straight parents than with living gay parents. . . .  A study
found that women with big hips and small waists  have smarter
children. . . . A man in southern India married a dog. . . . Four
limbs were removed from an eight-limbed Indian girl in  a  40-
hour operation.  .  .  . Samina Malik, a 23-year-old Muslim in
west London who calls herself the Lyrical  Terrorist and wrote
a poem titled  "How  to  Behead,"  was convicted by a jury of
possessing records likely to be useful in terrorism.  . . .  A man
was jailed for jaywalking in Bradenton, Florida.  .  .  .  A drunk
woman was hit by a Union Pacific freight train she was trying to
flag down as she stood on the tracks south of Marysville,  Cali-
fornia. . . . Eight-year-old twins from Ohio were recognized for
inventing wedgie-proof underpants. . . .  New York City Coun-
cilman Simcha Felder,  of  Brooklyn,  proposed an ordinance to
make it unlawful to feed pigeons  (they're using pigeon birth con-
trol in Los Angeles).  . . .  A 13-year-old got two days of deten-
tion at school in Mascoutah, Illinois, for hugging friends good-by
for the weekend. . . . Eight cows escaped from a trailer when the
rear gate opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald's  in West
Haven, Utah.
                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, the Guardian]

"Blenster" wrote Sun 4 Nov 2007 @10:27:16 EST in re the "Brain Age"
puzzle booklet mentioned last week:

"Brain Age" in this usage isn't  related to a linear growth of ability in
the form of skills/knowledge progressing from "empty" to "full"  but
instead  against the linear progression of mental decay  as the brain
ages and loses ability to learn new tasks .  .  .  .There is some valid
scientific evidence that older brains experience time .  .  . differently
.  .  .  and can be less capable of  picking up new tasks or retaining
. . . memory markers than younger brains . . . especially with disuse.

Having known . . . many . . . "sharp as a tack" individuals significant-
ly older than myself, I believe it has more to do with the level of acti-
vity and stimulus than the act of aging.  This "brain age" measurement
is one more in an increasingly long list of  oversimplified  explanations
designed to reach the masses.  The notion is that through training you
can retain higher performance  . . .  and the "rating" for this is in years,
similar to how if you exercise and live healthy your  body's  "age"  can
be younger . . . than your physical age. . . .

P.S.  Thanks for these tabloid headlines each week;  I  especially  en-
         joy the "dumb news" sections.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 5 Nov 2007 @09:40:06 PST:

It sounds like in their clumsy way they mean to say  that  their  little mind
exercises will keep your brain young and agile.  Studies have shown that
our brains begin to shrink after age 30 or so, reducing retention and com-
prehension.

Oh . . . uh . . . er . . . [scratch] . . . OK.  –  Ed.

Two St. Joseph County commissioners petitioned the federal govern-
ment for an extension of time in which to file a petition to return South
Bend and environs to the Central time zone.

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

In a futile bid for re-election the day before the voting, Governor Ernie
ordered the Ten Commandments reposted in the Statehouse (in a "his-
torical"  display  that misdated the composition  of  the  "Star Spangled
Banner"  by  33 years  and cited two different dates for adoption of the
"In God We Trust"  motto in 1956).
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

    "Bon courage."

– French President Nicolas Sarkozy,  cutting off an
   interview on 60 Minutes when asked about his wife

Bonnie Raitt, 58
Bonnie Bramlett, 63

Sim Jae-duck,  who made a political career as Mr. Toilet by
beautifying South Korea's public restrooms, has built a home
shaped like a toilet. .  .  .  Nine-year-old Jake Wulf, of Ode-
bolt,  Iowa,  invented a pedal to raise and lower a toilet seat.
. . .  A married couple  in  Hell,  Michigan,  won a $115,000
state lottery on Halloween. . . .  Julius and Ethel Rosenberg's
Soviet handler died at 93. . . .  A man walked into the police
station  in  Danbury, Connecticut,  smoking a marijuana cigar
(he was arrested). . . .  A man in McAllen, Texas, told police
150 pounds of  marijuana had been taken from his home  (he
was arrested). . . .  A 17-year-old boy dropped a football in-
to the end zone from a  small  plane  he flew low over his high
school field in Charlotte, North Carolina (he was charged with
"dangerous flying"  and  "dropping objects at a sporting event,"
both misdemeanors).  .  .  . The New York Times published an
article in its Style section  on the rise of the term  "vajayjay"  for
female genitalia. . . . Mountain women in a village in Nepal were
mailing condoms to their husbands working overseas to protect
them(selves?) from disease. .  .  .  Dennis Kucinich introduced a
bill to impeach Dick Cheney.

                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, New York Times]

from "<heathc@catarina.usc.edu>" titled "You'll laugh your but off,"
from "Dwight Earl" titled "Your parole,"
and from "Celina P. Reagan" titled "May i ask why you're so unhappy with your dic'k?"

Bruce Mitchell wrote Fri 2 Nov 2007 11:45:36 PDT:

How about,  as a new category for Tabloid Headlines,  those
dumb ads that appear on Yahoo! and Google pages?  That is,
those ads that apparently automatically  pick  up  on whatever
headline or search term is on the page, or something related –
such as  this,  which came with a Reuters article titled  "Spider
bite no excuse for rape, court says":

Battered Women Shelters
Bargain Prices. Smart Deals.
Save on Battered Women Shelters!
Shopzilla.com

Send  'em!  – Ed.

Ten Indiana high schools, including Richmond and Indianapolis Tech,
were rated "dropout factories" in a national study.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Governor Ernie's office received an automated telephone invitation to
challenger Stevie's fundraiser.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"With good-buddy poker, you don't have to pretend you're on a boat."

                                                                                                         – Bob Hill

The coach of the Petaluma, California, girls' high school soc-
cer team mooned the Windsor team after a rough game  (he
has been suspended). . . . A woman in Warwick, Rhode Is-
land,  stole a baby parrot from a pet store and cut off its leg
to get rid of a store identity tag. . . .The U.S. terrorist watch
list grew to 755,000 names (the government refused to con-
firm or deny that the names  Bruce Mitchell,  Herbert Saxon
and Natty Bumppo were among them). .  .  .  A DNA study
revealed that some Neanderthals were redheads. .  .  .  John
McCain promised that, if elected, he would make ABBA the
White House elevator music. . . .  Locally grown cauliflower,
cabbage and broccoli were sold in Greenland. .  .  .  A New
York City councilman proposed giving  pigeons  a veterinary
birth control medication.  .  .  .  Martha Heller advertised her
breast milk for sale in the Tiffin, Iowa, Astonisher for  $2  an
ounce.  . . .  A&E TV suspended Dog the Bounty Hunter for
calling his son's girl friend a  nigger,  and Don Imus got a new
broadcasting job – with WABC radio, New York.  .  .  . An
Omaha schoolteacher  and her 13-year-old boy friend  were
believed to have fled to Mexico. . . . James Frey, whose law-
yers and publisher agreed to reimburse 1,729 purchasers of
his "memoir," was working on a new novel. . . . More than a
hundred motor vehicles  -- including 18 semitrailers --  were
involved in a  pileup  near  Fresno,  California  (two persons
were killed).
                                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"Bud Shop" titled "hiya,"
"Neal Diamond" titled "(bud),"
"Foss Tirrell" titled "Men's products," and
"Floyd Bourgeois" titled "You may get your !agra right here!"