Morris Junior Johnson wrote Mon 21 Jan 2008 @11:04:26 CST:

I'd like to be a grapefruit inspector.

In the Miss America contest on television last night, "Miss Indiana" was ask-
ed (in character and fitness competition, we guess) whether the pregnant 16-
year-old Jamie Lynn Spears should be fired from the TV show on which she
is a role model for young girls.  She could have said, simply, "Yes."  But in a
wordy, rambling response, including the phrases "personal choices" and "un-
wise decisions,"  Miss Indiana, of Plymouth  – beyond question the loveliest
of the finalists – said,  essentially,  no.  And  this  morning,  she  is  not  "Miss
America."
                                                                                      [courtesy TLC TV]

Meghan O'Sullivan,  a former security adviser to President Bush,  canceled her
speech at Indiana University after  a  reporter  for the Indiana Daily Student re-
fused to treat it as "off the record."
                                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

State Rep. Melvin Henley of Murray,   in western Kentucky,   introduced a
bill to require drug tests for welfare applicants. . . .

Congressman Ed Whitfield of Hopkinsville, also in western Kentucky, intro-
duced a bill to prohibit the transportation,  sale,  purchase  and donation  of
horses to be slaughtered for  human  consumption  (see also the dumb news
from Michigan in Borf's weekly bonus, below).
                                                                                             [courtesy AP]

"God's going to give us China."

                    – Pat Robertson

Texas congressional candidate  Dean Hrbacek  put his head on
a slimmer man's body in a photo brochure mailed to voters. . . .
Scott Hamilton's wife gave birth to their second son. . . . Police
in Ellsworth,  Maine,  seized  $1,000  won in a lottery by a man
they said bought the winning ticket with drug money. . . . A Brit-
ish study found that children dislike clowns. .  .  . The ACLU in-
tervened for Larry Craig. . . . An Afghan student was sentenced
to death for distributing a writing critical of Muhammad. .  .  .  A
convenience store robber in Cherryville,  North Carolina,  drop-
ped his gun,  and it shot him in the foot.  .  .  .  A classified ad for
the sale of a registered horse in Michigan wound up under "Good
Things to Eat" in the Saginaw News  and the Bay City Times. . . .
Thieves in Malaysia stuffed  a  cow  into the back seat of their car
but crashed into a tree in a police chase,  and the injured cow was
slaughtered by villagers.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sunday 13 Jan 2008 @06:02:45 PST:

Can Soupy Sales still do the Shuffle?  I can – just barely.

The Shuffle?   The Shuffle?   Do the Mouse!   (You can do it in
your house.)  – Ed.


FGDean@aol.com wrote Sunday 13 Jan 2008 @08:42:08 PST re
our correspondent DH's unopened e-mail last week from  "Dana D.
Durham"  titled  "dridow tendwimmid torts-crot Wompire":

That sounds cryptically kinky!   I would probably be tempted to
open it.   My spell check,  by  the  way,  underlined only the last
two "words" above (bold-faced here).  Could  the  first  two  be
some kind of arcane computer code?

Our spelling checker flagged them all (along with "e-mail," which our com-
puter likes to spell "email" – i.e.,  unhyphenated).  We heard,  by the way,
that you have been having some computer problems;  and  it might interest
you to know that there is a new  "worm"  going around known as  "dridow
tendwimmid."  – Ed.

A convenience store robber in Kokomo shot himself in the balls as he was
returning his pistol to the waistband of his trousers. . . .

A prisoner was left in a court holding cell, without food or communication,
over the weekend in Indianapolis.
                                                                    [courtesy Associated Press]

Federal loans for "socially disadvantaged persons" were available in Edmon-
son County.
                                                                                [courtesy the Gimlet]

Three  Amish  men  were  on  trial  in  Mayfield  for not having lights on their
buggies.
                                                                                             [courtesy AP]

Sign on doors at Brownsville Post Office:

    THIS OFFICE WILL
    BE CLOSED
    MONDAY 21 TO
    OBSERVE MARTIN
    LUTHER DAY

[courtesy your roving reporter]

"I like the Prince.  Now he has Camilla, his new girl.  She's not as attractive, is she?"

                                                                                                    – Hugo Chavez

Mary J. Bilge  and 50 Cent  were among entertainers accused
of using performance-enhancing drugs. . . . Diane Keaton said
"fucking" on Good Morning America. . . . A UFO was sighted
by dozens of people in Stephenville,  Texas.  .  .  . Carrying his
family Bible,  Colorado State Rep. Douglas Bruce  stomped  a
newsman  who photographed him in a statehouse prayer  as he
was about to be sworn in. . . . A Hurricane Katrina victim sued
the Army Corps of Engineers for 4 quadrillion dollars. . . . Bila-
wal Zardari, Benazir Bhutto's 19-year-old son and "political leg-
atee," asked the media to leave him alone. . . . Vermin Supreme
got 41 votes in New Hampshire's Republican presidential prima-
ry. . . .  A $2,500 automobile debuted in India. . . .  For the first
time since the 19th century  the average Briton was earning more
than the average American. . . . AWashington state state trooper
was questioned for using Oregon license plates  on his unmarked
patrol car. . . . Four paparazzi chasing Britney Spears through the
Mission Hills district of Los Angeles  were  arrested  for  reckless
driving.  .  .  . The Diary of Anne Frank the musical  opens  next
month in Spain. . . . A Massachusetts bank robber violated a con-
dition of his probation in buying a lottery ticket but was allowed to
keep the $1 million he won.  .  .  . A seal found on a state highway
in Maine was returned to the ocean.

                                                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

An ATM wouldn't budge for burglars at a service station in Bullitt County;
so they took a Kentucky Lottery machine.

                                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Extreme Makeover (Moscow, Russia)
The founder of Soviet communism has been dead for 80 years,  but,
according to his curator, Vladimir Lenin has never looked better.

Funeral Homes Offer DNA Retrieval (Tuscaloosa, Alabama)
Some funeral homes now offer the option of DNA retrieval and storage.

                                                     [thanks to Bruce Mitchell]

"Here's your change – want fries with that?"

-- Hillary Clinton
-- John Edwards
-- Mike Huckabee
-- Duncan Hunter
-- Dennis Kucinich
-- John McCain
-- Barack Obama
-- Ron Paul
-- Mitt Romney

Amy Fisher,  the 17-year-old attempted murderess of Mary Jo
Buttafuoco in 1992, is promoting a video sex tape. . . . Dr. Phil
barged into Britney Spears' hospital room. . . .L.S.U. beat Ohio
State in this year's second Sugar Bowl. .  .  . Ariel Sharon's dog
Golda continued to wait outside their home in southern Israel. ...
A 10-year-old boy  near Monterrey,  Mexico,  glued his hand to
his bed to avoid returning to school from Christmas vacation. . . .
A dead man was wheeled through the sidewalks of New York in
an office chair by two men trying to cash his Social Security check
at a currency exchange. . . . A man in Lower Pottsgrove, Pennsyl-
vania,  was convicted of threatening for mailing a cow's head to his
wife's lover. . . . The city council of St. Charles, Missouri,  was en-
tertaining an ordiance that would  prohibit  swearing  in  bars.  .  .  .
Twins separated at birth inadvertently married one another  in Eng-
land. . . . It snowed in Baghdad.

                [courtesy AP, National Public Radio, Deccan Herald]

Terry Crow wrote Mon 31 Dec 2007 @08:11:16 PST (from California):

I always thought  that  living in California was like having your head
in a septic tank.  Now that guy in Iowa can tell me how close I was
to the truth.

Bob Hill wrote Thurs 3 Jan 2008 @10:55:18 EST:

Hey, the guy in Iowa wasn't inspecting a septic tank - it was a Repub-
lican caucus.

David Foster wrote Sun 30 Dec 2007 @11:32:21 EST:

Before we start work on retiring the penny  (which,  of course,  I'm a-
gainst),  we have to straighten out the daylight savings time issue which
continues to paralyze the country.   As a "token" gesture, however, I'd
be willing to consider morally supporting banning pennies in that partic-
ular store, from that particular cashier,  and, possibly, even in the entire
county where the terrible incident took place.

Oklahoma State 49, Indiana 33, in the "Insight Bowl" at Tempe, Arizona;
Rutgers, 52, Ball State, 30, in the "International Bowl" at Toronto  (these
teams were ranked 45th, 58th, 42nd and 66th, respectively, in American
college football).
                                                                   [courtesy Associated Press]

An 83-year-old Danville man died in prison awaiting trial for murder.  .  .  .

A disgruntled litigant burned down the Carlisle County Courthouse in Bard-
well.     It was the second time in 30 years the courthouse had been burned
down by an arsonist.
                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

The FBI reopened the D. B. Cooper case. . . . A lumpy py-
thon that had swallowed four golf balls,  placed in a chicken
coop  as  "starter" eggs,  was saved by veterinary surgery in
Nobby Creek, Australia.  . . .  A 75-year-old Arizonan was
bucked and trampled by a pet buffalo he was riding north of
Phoenix (he's recovering). . . . A bank robber in Boston  fail-
ed  to  notice  that  the man behind him in the teller line was a
cop in uniform (he was arrested). . . .  Mike Huckabee cros-
sed a picket line to appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show.  . . .
Daniel Schorr, in a commentary on National Public Radio, ci-
ted lies told by Huckabee, Joseph Biden, Hillary Clinton, Ru-
dolph Giulani,  Barack Obama and Mitt Romney  (he did not
say that the other Presidential candidates did not lie).  .  .  . A
265-pound man and his 277-pound cousin-in-law  were bar-
red from an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet  in Houma,  Loui-
siana. . . . A window washer who fell 47 stories in New York
is recovering  (a brother who fell with him did not do so well).
. . .  Nearly 6 inches of rain fell in Henry Velenosi's back yard
in 14 hours in San Dimas, Southern California.

                                                              [courtesy AP, NPR]

"Luella Blevins" titled "HugePenisFreeman,"
"Jon Holmes" titled "JulianneFatDick,"
"Dorian Grant" titled "FuckstickOversizeCurt,"
"Alberto Cervantes" titled "KimCockImportant,"
"Augusta McGath" titled "KristyShlongWalloping,"
"Pansy Lin" titled "BertieBiggishCock,"
"Ollie Novak" titled "BodypartJumboTabatha,"
"Tracy Mcdowell" titled "Wide-rangingPhallusMarina,"
"Warren Couch" titled "PenisMonstrousMaxine,"
"Hillary Schroeder" titled "ErectileorganQueen-sizedBianca,"
"Dana Metcalf" titled "DickLargeMabel,"
"Ashley Spence" titled "RandyImmensePenis,"
"Nicolas" titled "BroadFuckstickErvin,"
"Mildred Pendleton" titled "PenisGiganticKrista,"
"Son Hardin" titled "BobbiPhallusCosmic,"
"Shelton Darby" titled "ProdigiousShlongRaymundo,"
"Blaine" titled "IreneAmpleDick," and
"Marci Ferreira" titled "KristyPhallusHuge."