FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 23 Mar 2008 @11:54:16 PDT:

"Oprah hits 246 lbs.!"  was the lead story on the news  at  the
top of my AOL  "Welcome"  screen  yesterday.   I don't need
to visit the supermarket  to  keep  abreast  of  these important
news items. . . .

 

I hesitate to ask for the description of a game called "cornhole."

Your editor understands.  He,  too,  is from Indiana.   But it's not what
you're worried about.   It's sort of the inverse  of  horse  shoes,  or ring
toss.  You try to throw a bag of corn into a hole in a board.  See Wiki-
pedia.  – Ed.

Bonnie Locchetta,  a "first time" donor and independent voter in Rush-
ville, won a dinner with Barack Obama with a $25 campaign contribu-
tion. . . .

A woman who stopped to assist  when  a car overturned on I-70 near
New Castle was hit and bitten by the man she was trying to help. . . .

A man in Muncie woke up in the back of a garbage truck,  about to be
compacted,  after a night of drinking. . . .

Burglars stole a puppy from the Humane Society in Jeffersonville.

                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

A federal regulation favoring private transportation companies will prohibit
the Louisville transit system's providing bus service to the Kentucky Derby
and Kentucky Oaks, costing about 40,000 passengers and $200,000. . . .

Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel Sanders' widow's  restaurant  in  Shelby-
ville  was  closed  after 137  patrons  fell  ill  after her Easter Sunday buffet.
One man died.
                                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"What's another word for 'thesaurus'?  That's right; there isn't any."

                                                                                              – Alton Brown

The cubicle, 40
Viagra, 10

Release of more than 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's daily
schedules as First Lady  provided  proof  that she once read
"If You Give a Moose a Muffin" to a group of children. .  .  .
Philippine Health Secretary Francisco Duque III urged Cath-
olic worshipers to get  tetanus  shots  before crucifying them-
selves for Easter. .  .  . Playgirl invited Eliot Spitzer to a nude
photo shoot.  .  .  .  A U.S. Senate candidate in Idaho legally
changed his name to Pro-Life. . . .An 81-year-old Australian
committed suicide by building a robot that shot him four times
in the head. . . . The major league baseball season opened on
March 25, the earliest ever,  with a game between the Boston
Red Sox and the Oakland A's in Tokyo. . . .  Genealogists re-
ported that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt and
that Hillary Clinton is a distant cousin of Angelina Jolie. .  .  . A
judge in Cincinnati held a man on  $1  million  bond  on a 1990
theft charge amounting to $21.64 (he was accused of making a
purchase with rolls of pennies wrapped as dimes).  . . . An Ital-
ian airliner made an emergency landing at Boston  because of a
foul odor coming from the hold (it was four pallets of onions)....
A motorist reaching for her cell phone plunged into the Oakland
Estuary but waded out with her unspilled coffee held high. . . . A
half-buried parachute thought to be D. B. Cooper's was unearth-
ed near Amboy, Washington. . . . Oprah Winfrey's dog died.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, Boston Herald, Bruce Mitchell]

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 16 Mar 2008 @11:18:03 CDT:

"Butt excusability" is when a women is very nice and attractive
 but has no butt  or her butt is a little on the large side.    There
 are some schools of thought which hold that large breasts, not
 looks or personality, incur "butt excusability."

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 16 Mar 2008 @11:44:43 PDT:

Like, said she to he:  "So excuse me if I'm all tits and no ass."

A 12-by-16-inch slice of meterorite stolen from a space museum
in Lakeville,  near South Bend,  wound up for sale at a gun show
in Indianapolis.
                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

A mother complained that sipping straws she bought her 3-year-old
daughter at a Wal-Mart in Ashland were shaped like a penis.

                                                 [courtesy snopes.com, WSAZ-TV]

A coal miner was reprimanded by the mine owner  for videotaping a
safety hazard for government investigators. . . .

The state suspended the licenses of 180 dentists for being late in filing
annual reports.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Mike Cherry,  chairman of the State Government Committee in the state
House of Representatives, used his authority to bottle up bills that would
make:

• The Corvette the Kentucky state sports car;
• Kentucky Fried Chicken the state picnic food, and
• Cornhole the state game.
  

                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Vanessa Williams, 45
William Shatner, 77
Marian McParland, 90
Karl Malden, 96

A baby girl born with two faces was being worshiped as a
reincarnated god in Uttar Pradesh. .  .  .  New York's new
legally blind governor  admitted to having had a number of
extramarital affairs in this decade, including one with a state
employee  (but  none  that cost him $5,500 an hour).  .  .  .
Dozens of cases of  salmonella  poisoning  were reported in
Alamosa,  Colorado,  linked to the public water system. . . .
Buffalo  mozarella  makers  in Italy  took out ads to reassure
consumers after  high  levels  of dioxin  were found in buffalo
milk. . . .  E-bay canceled the auction of a corn flake shaped
like Illinois because it violated food policy.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, NPR, AP]

• His close friendship with terrorist
• Big money deal with accused felon
• Screaming matches with wife – over other women
  

• 'Obama wants me DEAD for saying we're lovers'
• New GAY whispers                            – Larry Sinclair
• Oprah rages: 'It's a smear!'
  

Darcy Stewart wrote Mon 10 Mar 2008 @09:54:31 EDT re our e-mail, reported last
week, from "Victoria Stewart" titled "Too cute sex shy czech with butt excusability":

My daughter-in-law is Victoria Stewart.   But not Czech.   Nor butt Czech.
And,  what is "butt excusability"?

Gee,  sorry!  As for your question,  we pose that to our other readers.  What  is  "butt
excusability"?  (Verbal e-mail only, please – no pictures.)  –  Ed.

A Muncie man forced his 7-year-old daughter to stab the family cat so that
she would learn how to kill. . . .

A "Youth Risk Behavior Survey" reported of Indiana high school students:

• One in five had packed a weapon,
• More than half had tried cigarettes,
• Nearly half had had sex,
• One in seven was overweight, and
• One in 14 had attempted suicide.
  

                                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

Police raided a new animal shelter at Sand Springs in eastern Ken-
tucky and found more than 115 dogs starving, diseased and dying.

                                                                              [courtesy AP]

A 53-year-old Louisville man committed suicide by crashing his van
into a woods, dousing himself with gasoline, and setting fire.  A man
who stopped to help after the crash was asked for a match,  but  he
refused.  Then the driver found a lighter.

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"I want to let everyone know there was neither any malice nor
 deliberate intent whatsoever to hit or harm the hawk.    I was
 simply trying to scare it into flying away. I am an animal lover."

– pro golfer Tripp Isenhour, who brought a red-shouldered
   hawk down from a tree with a 75-yard wedge shot

Eliot Spitzer resigned as governor of New York  because  the
FBI wiretapped his transaction with a prostitute,  and Lt. Gov.
David Paterson will become the nation's first legally blind gov-
ernor. . . .  An 800-pound Mexican being towed on a flat bed
truck to a romantic picnic to celebrate his  recent  loss  of  440
pounds had to cancel when a post holding a  sun  tarp  over his
bed hit an overpass. . . . A couple returned to Melbourne, Aus-
tralia,  from vacation to find police about to hold a news confer-
ence at their home regarding their suspicious disappearance. . . .
Beijing residents, warned of feline health risks, were dispatching
pet cats to death camps.  .  .  . Indian officials in Kashmir halted
plans to poison thousands of stray dogs. . . .  A woman in Boul-
der,  Colorado,  dyed her poodle pink to call attention to breast
cancer and was charged with animal cruelty. . . . Someone pour-
ed deer urine into the high school air conditioner in  Church  Hill,
Tennessee. . . . The King of Nepal was $800,000 behind on his
electricity bill.  .  .  .  A 35-year-old woman in Wichita,  Kansas,
was taken to the hospital with the toilet seat on which she'd been
sitting for two years, her skin grown around it.  .  .  .  It costs the
government 1.7 cents to make a penny, and 9.5 cents to make a
nickel.  .  .  .  Sheryl Crow is replacing Christine McVie in Fleet-
wood Mac.

           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, National Public Radio]

Terry  Crow  wrote Sun 2 Mar 2008 @5:15 p.m. PST  re
last week's dumb dental news from Kentucky:

I heard that CSI cannot function in Kentucky because
everyone there is related and nobody has any teeth.

Actually,  that's  West  Virginia – "One  big,  happy  family."
There are fifteen families  in Kentucky,  and they tend not to
intermarry – because – well – you know . . . .   –  Ed.

The Seymour High School class of 1970  proposed  renaming
one of the city's streets after John Mellencamp,  who will enter
the Rock and Roll  Hall of Fame tomorrow [putting one little
word  after  another,  and how 'bout renaming Kensington
Court "Cougar Cul-de-Sac"? – Ed.].

                                                   [courtesy Associated Press]

A bill in the state legislature to exempt lemurs from sales tax was
amended to add 70 cents a pack to the cigarette tax.

                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something."

    – Debra Jackson, on why she likes to shop at the Dollar Palace
                              [somewhere in Texas; courtesy Bruce Mitchell]

Police were called to break up a brawl between two moms at
a child's Chuck E. Cheese birthday party  in  Natick,  Massa-
chusetts.  .  .  .  Rob Wilkinson and Charlotte Green were ma-
king love when the earthquake shook England and Wales, and
Rob  asked  Charlotte,  "Did the earth just move for you,  too,
darling?" .  .  . Owner Shaun Clancy has prohibited the singing
or playing  of  "Danny  Boy"  in the month of March at Foley's
Pub, across the street from the Empire State Building. . . . Pro
golfer Tripp Isenhour was criminally charged  with killing a mi-
gratory bird for a wedge shot that brought a hawk down from
a tree at the Grand Cypress club in Orlando, Florida. . . . Brit-
ney Spears' father was getting a court-ordered $2,500 a week
to manage her affairs, and $58,000 was awarded  to her court-
appointed attorney.   .  .  .  At least 30 Minnesota bars became
"theaters," and their patrons "actors in costume," to take advan-
tage of an exception for dramatic performance in the state's anti-
smoking law.
                                               [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

• from "Victoria Stewart" titled "Too cute sex shy czech with butt excusability"
• from "Vicky" titled "Naughty Indian teenie fucked excave"
• from "joe edward" titled "Six Niggers and Paris"
• from "farleigh balthasar" titled "hywel"

A one-engine airplane landed on I-70 east of Greenfield next to
a "No parking" sign and police slapped an "Abandoned vehicle"
sticker on it. .  .  . Indiana University has paid more than $4 mil-
lion to former coaches and athletic directors since 2000  to stay
gone.
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A bill in the Legislature would require children to get dental exams
before enrolling in school  (Kentucky ranks second in the country,
behind West Virginia, in toothless adults over age 65).

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Further  integration  and/or assimilation into a white cultural
 and social structure will only allow me to remain on the per-
 iphery of society; never becoming a full participant."

– Michelle Obama, in her senior thesis at Princeton

Police dogs in Duesseldorf, Germany, will now wear shoes
(to protect their paws from broken beer bottles). . . .  Pres-
ident Bush danced in Liberia. . . . The League of Conserva-
tion Voters said John McCain  had the worst environmental
record of all 535 members of Congress  for 2007  and  had
missed more crucial votes than those who died mid-term. ...
Ralph Nader, who is older than McCain, announced his fifth
run for the presidency. . . . Pakistan made YouTube crash....
A  Moroccan  got 3 years in prison for creating a fake Face-
book profile for Prince Moulay Rachid, who is second in line
for the throne. . . . Jamie Lynn Spears, 16,  got her GED. . . .
A boy was expelled from kindergarten in Parma, Ohio, for his
Mohawk haircut. .  .  . A 16-foot python swallowed the family
Chihuahua in Queensland, Australia,  as  horrified  children,  5
and 7,  watched.  .  .  .  Mahmoud  Ahmadinejad  visited Iraq.
.  .  .  Desperate housewives were attending  Taser  parties  in
Connecticut.
                                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, NPR]