• Plastic surgery
• Money scandals
• Gay rumors
• Famous lovers revealed:
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 20 Apr 2008 @10:10:13 PDT:

We southern Californians are "all shook up" after learning
that there is about a 99% chance of  a  6.7  quake  hitting
somewhere in the region by 2030  (that's  the  size  of  the
Northridge quake of the early '90's).

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 20 Apr 2008 @08:27:42 PDT:

Hail, Caesar!

A 19-year-old man in Louisville and two middle school girls, aged 13 and
14, were arrested for plotting to kill another 13-year-old girl. . . .

An eighth grader in  Lexington  was charged with felony endangerment for
stuffing an allergic classmate's lunchbox with peanut butter cookies. . . .

And a Lexington woman sued her former middle school teacher for having
sex with her when she was 15 (he had even moved in with her family,  po-
sing as a college student who did maintenance in their home).

                                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Duane Eddy, 70
Bobby Rydell, 66

"We are seeing the globalization of suicide bombs."

– Professor Mohammed Hafez, U.S. Naval Postgraduate School

More than 658 suicide bombings were reported worldwide
last year, double the number in any of the previous 25 years.
.  .  .  A New York jury found a hospital not liable for giving
an unwanted rectal exam to a patient with a head injury.  . . .
Kelly Clarkson serenaded Pope Benedict, and fans gave him
the wave at Yankee Stadium. . . . Ohio adopted a law allow-
ing disabled hunters to shoot from their cars.  . . .  Argentines
were riled by a recent episode of the Simpsons  in which Ho-
mer's friends praised Juan Peron and "his lovely wife, Madon-
na."  .  .  .  Pippa Bacca, one of two Italian women hitchhiking
from Milan  to Tel Aviv  dressed  as  brides,  was  raped  and
strangled by a truck driver who gave her a ride in Turkey.  . . .
A woman found an 8-foot  alligator  in her kitchen in Oldsmar,
Florida.  .  .  .  Jell-O snacks spilled by a truck caused a major
traffic jam in Jacksonville, Florida. .  .  . New York Times col-
umnist Thomas Friedman was pied at Brown University.  .  .  .
Rush Limbaugh called for a riot at the Democratic convention in
Denver.
                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Associated Press]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 13 Apr 2008 @00:22:11 PDT:

Who the hell is Jett Travolta??  Is he/she/it more famous
than Jesus??

Son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston.  Not  real  famous,  but
we felt we had to have a birthdays column after the extended dis-
cussion in the letters last week.  – Ed.

Copycatting a Florida crime, a group of Clarksville girls, aged 12 to
14,  beat up a policeman's daughter,  aged 12;  made a video of the
beating,  and posted it on the internet. . . .

An Indianapolis judge upheld a specialty  "In God We Trust"  license
plate. . . .

A truckload of human waste was spilled on  Highway  55  in  Crown
Point. . . .

A statue of Julius Caesar was removed from the top of Caesar's Indi-
ana Casino near Corydon  as  Harrah's  changed the casino's name to
Horseshoe:

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

A video from Madison Central High School in Richmond joined many
others of cafeteria fights posted on YouTube. . . .

Kayla  Bobby  is the star pitcher of the Beth Haven High School soft-
ball team in Louisville.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

A 5.4 earthquake centered on West Salem, Illinois,  shook  things  up
from Milwaukee to Memphis,  and from St. Louis to Cincinnati -- but
no one was injured, and neither Illinois, nor Iowa, nor Indiana, nor O-
hio, nor Missouri,  nor Wisconsin,  nor Michigan,  nor Kentucky,  nor
Arkansas, nor Tennessee, nor Mississippi, nor Alabama,  nor Georgia
fell into the ocean.

West Salem is in southeastern Illinois,  80 miles east of Salem,  Illinois
(but 90 miles west of Salem, Indiana).
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Olivia Hussey, 57
Hayley Mills, 62

Killer bees attacked Mexican policemen after one officer shot
up their hive.  .  .  . A poll by the journal Nature found that 20
per cent of its readers use brain-enhancing drugs. . . .Villagers
in northern India were worshiping a baby girl  with  two  faces
as the reincarnation of  a  goddess:  "She drinks milk from two
mouths,"  said a hospital director,  "and opens and shuts all the
four eyes at one time." . . . Bob Dylan won a "special" Pulitzer
prize. .  .  . Anchorage disk jockeys Woody and Wilcox were
suspended for a variation on a saying that "real Alaskans" have
urinated in the Yukon and made love to an Eskimo  (they swit-
ched the verbs). .  .  . A wrecker in Dallas towed a car from a
fire lane with a 7-year-old boy inside. . . .  Chicago police kill-
ed a cougar on the North Side. . . . An attorney in Austin, Tex-
as, was sentenced to 90 days in jail for a  wrist  gesture  the fe-
male judge interpreted as a sign of masturbation while he gazed
at her. . . .Rudolph Giulani, twice divorced and remarried, took
communion at a mass celebrated by Pope Benedict. ... A judge
in Yemen dissolved the marriage of an 8-year-old girl.

                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Marcia Slatkin mslatkin@juno.com wrote Sun 6 Apr 2008 @16:32:37 GMT:

Uggh! What percentage of Americans are this stupid?

Ha, ha!  We would say approximately 97.3 per cent. – Ed.


David Foster wrote Sun 6 Apr 2008 @16:18:56 EDT, re last week's letter
from Len Zanger regarding the hoecake mush brain dangers of cornhole:

Didn't Don Imus get thrown off the air for saying "hoecake"?

And how come the birthday list went from oldest to youngest last issue?

Nah, ha, ha!  What Don Imus said was "nappy-headed hos"!

"Hoecake mush" is perfectly politcally correct.  If you have a copy of Ideas for
a Better America  (Borf Books, 1980),  turn to page 22,  and you'll see it right
there  (in a rhyme with "Orange Crush").

Besides,  anything Don Imus might get kicked off the air for is perfectly printable
in Tabloid Headlines.  We do mean to offend.

As for birthdays,  we are so pleased that at least one of our readers noticed that
we had a usual order.

There is no strict "style" here on birthdays.  All the positioning is  for  effect  (as is
everything else in Tabloid Headlines), and we usually find that ascending age has
greater effect  –  e.g.,  "Oh well, yeah – gettin' on in years, ain't he? . . . Huh, she's
that old? . . . Wha'!  He's still living?"

Last week we simply found the opposite order more effective.   Following  are  the
prescribed  reactions:

"What?  Doris Day is still living? . . .

"Huh?  Debbie Reynolds is only 76?  Let's see – that means [counting on fin-
 gers, counting on toes, Google searching  . . . ]  – oh, my God!  She was only
 20 years old when she made Singin' in the Rain  –  which I saw when I was
 12.   If I'd grown up just a couple of years faster,  I coulda had her.   I  never
 realized how  close  I was – unless,  like Loretta Lynn,  she's been lying about
 her age all these years. . . .

"Ali McGraw?  Love Story?  In her 70's?  Getthefuckouttahere!  It can't be!
 She's still young – has to be – like me – uh – well – er – uh . . . . "

Got the idea?  Thanks for writing.   – Editor

Jett Travolta, 16
Jack Casady, 64

A stranger entered an unlocked home in Crown Point at 3 a.m., picked
up a crying 2-year-old girl from her bed, and brought her to her parents
in their bedroom.   He was thanked by the little girl's father,  but he was
arrested by the police for public intoxication.

                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

A repo man was arrested for driving without a license in Nicholasville after
he towed away a truck with the owner's children inside  (aged 9 months, 2
years, and 8 years).
                                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"While Muslim families, as is well known, continue to make a lot
  of children, Christian ones . . . tend to have fewer and fewer."

                                     – Monsignor Vittorio Formenti

The Vatican reported that Islam has overtaken Roman Cath-
olicism as the world's largest religious denomination. . . . An-
other robber left his name on an application, leading to his ar-
rest – this time,  a job application,  at a convenience store,  in
Athens,  Georgia. . . . A man who'd married the widow of the
man whose suicide gave him a heart transplant twelve years a-
go committed suicide in Vidalia, Georgia. .  .  . A man was ar-
rested for assault with a weapon after he threw a hedgehog at
a 15-year-old boy in New Zealand. . . . A woman was found
living with four snakes  and hundreds of rats  near  Rochester,
Washington  (she'd bought some rats to feed the snakes,  and
they multiplied). . . .The crown prince of Dubai bought a cam-
el for $2.7 million. .  .  .  A lawyer was acquitted of disorderly
conduct for screaming obscenities at a19-year-old nitwit using
his  cell  phone  on the Long Island Rail Road  to wake up one
girl friend after another. . . .Two pitchers for the North Dakota
State University baseball  team combined for a no-hitter against
Creighton but lost the game 2-0 (the first ND State pitcher wal-
ked four of the first six Creighton batters  and hit the seventh  to
force in the game's only runs.

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, N. D.-Butler]

Len Zanger <campquest-mi@comcast.net>, director of Camp
Quest Michigan, wrote Sun 30 Mar 2008 @12:37:36 EDT:

The game of "cornhole," so inauspiciously named that first I
thought it might be some sort of prison-related activity, was
introduced to Camp Quest of Michigan in 2007 .  . . .  Due
to the extraordinary inventiveness of our campers, the game
evolved from a simple toss-in-the-hole pastime to something
less benign. Your camp director decided to intervene before
someone's brains got turned into hoecake.   Good game but,
like lawn darts and slingshot, it requires adult supervision.

A computer malfunction wiped out a month's worth of grades at three
high schools and a middle school in Evansville.    Hardware,  software
and backups all failed.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Wildlife officials seized seven rattlesnakes, a gaboon viper, a king cobra,
an iguana, two monitor lizards, two alligators, a boa constrictor and a py-
thon from a Campbellsville man's home, while he was in the hospital hav-
ing two fingers amputated for snakebite.
                                                                                        [courtesy AP]

Doris Day, 84
Debbie Reynolds, 76
Ali MacGraw, 70

The village of Roecken,  Germany,  was considering moving
Friedrich Nietzsche's grave to get at the coal underneath.. . .
Thousands of bats in the northeastern United States were af-
flicted with "white nose syndrome."  . . . Cuban bassist Israel
"Cachao" Lopez, "the inventor of the mambo,"  died in Coral
Gables, Florida. . . .  A Minneapolis woman bit a pit bull that
leapt a fence into her yard and attacked her Labrador retriev-
er. . . . An Outback Australian rescued his wife from the jaws
of a crocodile by jumping on the reptile's back. . . .  A robber
in Warren,  Michigan,  left her photo ID and an account appli-
cation with her address on it at the bank she failed to rob  (she
was soon arrested).  . . .  A doctor from Nashville, Tennessee,
was sentenced to  probation  and community service  for  tele-
phoning a bomb threat to the Seattle airport in order  to  delay
his flight enough for him to catch it.  .  .  .  A study found that a
paralytic  used in the three-drug cocktail for capital punishment
is prohibited for use in veterinary euthanasia in 42 states,  inclu-
ding Texas.  . . . Mariah Carey surpassed Elvis Presley in No.1
hits.
                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]