• bizarre jokes about eating dogs & children
• claims to dating hunky stars

Tony Dean wrote Sun 24 Jan 2010 @14:52:05 CST re last week's item about
a proposal to prohibit importation of Burmese pythons and other large snakes:

This is not surprising.  The February issue of Scientific American says
that pythons,  originally imported as pets,  are replacing alligators in the
Evererglades as the dominant predator.

Yes.  Tabloid Headlines and Interior Secretary Ken Salazar thank you  and  the
Scientific American for the validation.

That item was inserted in last week's  "Borf's  weekly  bonus"  partly to reassure
our Florida reader Connie Harbeson, whose letter of concern about the invasive
Burmese pythons was published in our January 10 issue.

The "weekly bonus," by the way,  is not intended as a "Dumb news from all over"
section equivalent to "Dumb news from Indiana" or "Dumb news from Kentucky."
Nothing is dumber than dumb news from Indiana, and Kentucky tries harder.  It's
true that many of the items in the "weekly bonus" are dumb, especially those from
Florida and California; but some are merely ironic or funny.   In our view the only
dumb thing about the python/constrictor/anaconda item was the pythons,  not  the
Interior Department.

And, we try never to miss a good snake story in the "weekly bonus."  Thanks for
writing.
                                                                                                     – The Editor

A 43-year-old baby-sitter in Muncie was out running errands when a
4-month-old boy in her care died in her home  –  and he was the sec-
ond child to die in her home in 11 weeks. . . .

The state House of Representatives passed a bill to prohibit employers
from prohibiting employees from bringing guns to work.

                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

An 8-month-old boy in Jeffersontown drowned in the bathtub his moth-
er left him in. . . .

A federal mine safety inspector posted "Hang a tree hugger today" on a
coal group's Facebook site.
                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"You're facilitating the problem:  If you give an animal
  or a person ample food supply, they will reproduce."
                                                                                   – Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer of South
                                                                                      Carolina, speaking out on government giveaways

"Johnny Rotten" Lydon, 53
Nolan Ryan, 63
Philip Glass, 73
Ernie Banks, 79
Carol Channing, 89

Faith Comes by Hearing,  of New Mexico,  sent 600 solar-pow- ered Creole audio Bibles to Haiti. . . . A 42-year-old man in Tai- wan died after watching Avatar, in 3-D. . . . A British health club warned "fatties" they would be the first to be eaten by aliens.  . . . Chicago teen-ager Lauren McClusky's petition to call her Special Olympics fund-raiser McFest was challenged by McDonald's. . . . A mortician in Katowice, Poland,  opened a coffin to retrieve per- sonal effects for family members and found a 76-year-old man in- side still alive. . . .  A family celebrating a 14-year-old son's birth- day at a Fairfield Inn in Livonia,  Michigan,  were surprised by an 18-inch snake  at poolside  (which had been seen by guests twice before). . . . A teacher and her aide in Milford,  Ohio,  braided an 11-year-old boy's  long  hair  and got other pupils to call him girls' names. . . .  Two groups of teen-age girls engaged in an argument on Facebook met outside a Philadelphia high school for  a  brawl, in which two young men and a girl were shot. . . .  An auto mech- anic in Sanibel, Florida,  flipped and totaled a customer's Porsche taking it for a test drive at 164 miles an hour. .  .  . Southern Cali- fornia's  "Geezer  Bandit"  robbed his sixth bank in six months,  in San Diego.

   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

• Maverick doc says bizarre technique is a life-saver
• Eat anything and everything you want
• But don't try this at home without consulting a physician
  

Ted Fiskevold wrote Weds 20 Jan 2010 @17:26:34 CST:

The  "Gay-rod"  English pronunciation of  "Garrard"  does not surprise
me.    I knew a Maggie May in England who had an Audi and a Lotus
Elan parked in her "gay-rodge" – I didn't realize she was talking about
her garage until about the fourth time she said it.

An Indianapolis policeman ran over  a  pedestrian  who  had  already
been run over (the pedestrian died). . . .

The legislature is in session.  A pending bill would prohibit the promo-
tion of third-graders who can't read.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

A man on trial for burglary in London, in eastern Kentucky, went to the
bathroom and didn't come back. . . .

A 17-year-old orthodox Jew flying from New York to visit  his  grand-
mother in Louisville alarmed the flight crew with a tefillin prayer and the
airliner was diverted to Philadelphia, where antiterrorist agents boarded
the plane with guns drawn. . . .

The legislature is in session. 
                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS – KEEP TEXTING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM"

                                                                                – bumper sticker for sale on e-Bay

Putting one little word after another, and, what region of Pakistan
is not "tribal"?

Mary Lou Retton, 42
Nastassja Kinski, 50 (or 49, or 51; depends on your data base)

Alfredo and Ana Cruz, of South Ocala, Florida,  named their
two-assed chicken J-Lo. . . .Weapons inspector Scott Ritter
was charged with masturbating on a webcam for a police of-
ficer posing as a 15-year-old girl. . . . Austrian scientists sus-
pended an experiment of burying live pigs in snow and moni-
toring their deaths. . . . An Australian study found that watch-
ing 4 hours of television a day raises the risk of fatal heart dis-
ease by 80 per cent. . . . A west Pennsylvania man was fined
$50 for writing "I suck" with his finger in the dust on a boating
officer's truck. . . . A Pittsburgh school bus driver was arrest-
ed for DUI on a field trip.  .  .  .  A man shot himself in the leg
practicing quick draw in Cape Coral, Florida. . . . A 25-year-
old man tried to commit suicide in Buffalo, New York,  by ta-
king a bath with a clock radio, electric clippers,  a curling iron
and a clothes iron.  . . .  A mother in Warm Springs,  Georgia,
was jailed  for making her 12-year-old son kill his pet hamster
with a hammer when he brought bad grades home.  .  .  .  The
purple-clad artist formerly  and  once  again  known as Prince
penned a new fight anthem  for the purple-clad Minnesota Vi-
kings,  once and once again contenders for the National Foot-
ball League's Super Bowl.  . . . Interior Secretary Ken Salazar
proposed prohibiting the importation of Burmese pythons, boa
constrictors, four species of anaconda, and three other species
of python.

        ^. Dead:  Casey Johnson
        ^. Dead:  Brittany Murphy
        ^. In danger:  Paris Hilton
                               Kirsten Dunst
                               Britney Spears
                               Eminem

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 10 Jan 2010 @11:10:38 CST  re  last week's
dumb news from Garrard County, Kentucky (actually re our admonishment
"Don't even try to pronounce 'Garrard' "):

I once owned a Garrard turntable – several of 'em,  as a matter of
fact.  A friend and I got into a discussion about whether it was pro-
nounced  "Grrr-ard"  or  "Jay-rard."    We took the matter to a Brit
friend  (Garrards were made in England),  and he said, "Oh,  I think
'Gay-rod' will do."

That at least informs the way they say it in Kentucky,  which is "Gared"  (it
rhymes with the masculine given name Jared).  – Editor

A carjacking victim stormed off the witness stand in Fort Wayne and
threatened to kill the defendant, who is accused of shooting her in the
stomach (the judge declared a mistrial). . . .

Notre Dame's student newspaper apologized for a cartoon supposed
to condemn violence against homosexuals that was perceived, in fact,
as anti-gay. . . .

Anderson's sole remaining high school  will  continue  to be known as
Anderson High School.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Franklin "Frank" Durham, 75
Thomas "Tom" Garbrough, 68
Jeffery W. "Jeff" Trowell, 39
James "Jimmy" Tucker, 66
Elizabeth "Liz" Hoffman Downey, 60
Amanda "Mandy" Stanley, 32
Gracie Sue "Susie" Johns, 56
Fran "Fran T" Thomas, 37
Mary Louise "Miss Mary" Zellich, 102
William "Bill" Gardner, 83
Charles E. "Chuck" Kellis, 72
Lawrence "Larry" Thomas, 65
William F. "Smitty" Smith, 90
Lewis P. "Bommer" Bommersbach, 67
Winford Raymond "W. R." Prindle, 80
James Thomas "J. T." Williams, 80

                                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"It's downstream from Goinbad."
                                                        – Jeanetta  Girard,  helping  us  locate  Gonabad,  the
                                                           remote town in Iran to which a journalist was exiled

Mary J. Bilge, 39
Jack Jones, 72

A 12-year-old boy robbed a store with a  wooden-barrel  toy
long gun in Walton County,  Florida. . . .  Jesus' face was seen
on a naan rogan josh at a curry house in Esher, England.  .  .  .
The image of Jesus was found in a sliced orange  in  Lockport,
New York. . . . An English artist created a replica of the Cruci-
fixion from 153 slices of burnt  toast. . . . Fox News' Brit Hume
said Tiger Woods should become a Christian. . . .A 4-year-old
boy in Taranto, Italy, dialed 911 (or whatever number they dial
in Italy) to give up his pacifiers. . . . An auto was repossessed in
San Jose, California, with the owner's 2-year-old son inside. . . .
A prostitute in Tampa, Florida, left her 3-month-old baby in the
car while she turned a trick.  . . .  A 33-year-old woman traded
her 2-year-old daughter for a gun in Mesa,  Arizona. . . . A 35-
year-old woman in Sitges, Spain,  was trapped for 8 days in an
elevator in her apartment building. . . .  A man was convicted of
raping his girl friend's pet rabbit in Massachusetts. ... A 66-year-
old man was mauled to death by his 666-pound pet tiger  in On-
tario. . . .  Denver schools recalled their Martin Luther King Day
lunch menu of chicken & biscuits, collard greens and peach crisp.
.  .  . Knoxville, Tennessee, residents forced a hearing on a neigh-
bor's plan to turn his home into a  music conseratory  and  Jewish
sperm bank. . . . A real-life Mrs. Robinson  was found married to
Northern Ireland's prime minister.  .  .  .  Child Abuse Watch and
Protect Our Children asked the National Football League  to  tell
theWho to leave Pete Townshend home when they perform at the
Super Bowl. . . . The  Beaver,  Canada's second oldest magazine,
changed its name to Canada's History to avert pornography filters
on line. .  .  . British bobbies were reprimanded for snow-sledding
on their shields (it was on YouTube). . . . A sixth-grader, 11 years
old, driving the family car in Fresno, California, with his mother, his
6-year-old sister,  and 34-year-old family friend Froylon Gonzalez
aboard, ran a stop sign and crashed into another vehicle, killing ev-
eryone except Gonzalez and the other motorist.

     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

• Bitter Michelle's jealous rages
• Prez begs mother-in-law for help
  

Connie Harbeson wrote from Florida Sun 3 Jan 2010 @12:40:48 EST:

Re: "Burmese refugees migrating to Fort Wayne dropped from about 800
in 2007 to only 300 in 2009 . . . "     Please tell me that,  as they migrated,
they didn't smuggle in any of their invasive, deadly, predatory, invulnerable
goddamned pythons!  (our good gov deputized dozens of hunters to shoot
the things from the air, you know – they haven't bagged very many . . . the
things are everywhere).

And are we to deduce that your enduring vigorously fine health is due to the
outstanding  "practices"  of  the good doctor whose merry holiday card you
received?

We didn't get a card – that was his Christmas ad in the Local Astonisher.   He's  a
"dentist,"  not a "doctor";  and we have not attributed any recent good health to his
"practices." But his daughter (if that is the minx we see in the ad) seems to be quite
the tonic!  – Editor

In response to KFC's donation of $7,500 worth of fire extinguish-
ers and hydrants to Indianapolis and Brazil (Indiana) – with Colo-
nel Sanders' face on them – PETA offered $7,500 for ads on city
fire trucks showing plucked and scalded chickens. . . .

A LaPorte County Superior Court judge was acquitted by a jury of
obstruction of justice  in reporting she accidentally shot herself in the
head after an argument with her husband.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

More than 20 cell phone calls to 911  in Casey, Lincoln and Garrard
counties, in central Kentucky, were received by emergency dispatch-
ers in Edmonson County, a hundred miles to the southwest  and  in  a
different dialing code area.
                                                             [courtesy Edmonson News]

P.S.  Don't even try to pronounce "Garrard."  – Ed.


The chairman of the Environment Committee,  who just happens to be
an officer of a coal mining construction company,   introduced a reso-
lution in the State House of Representatives  to  prohibit  state and lo-
cal agencies' imposing limits on carbon dioxide emissions. . . .


A sexually abused 4-year-old boy murdered in Louisville was found to
have had a blood alcohol content over .21 per cent. . . .


Kyle Volp, 34,  and his wife, Loretta Volp, 35,  were arrested on char-
ges of robbing a dozen businesses in the Louisville area in December.

                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Air Force 47, Alabama 37, Arizona 0, Arkansas 20, Auburn 38, Boise State 17, Boston College 13, Bowling Green State (Ohio) 42, BYU 44, California 27, Central Michigan 44, Cincinnati 24, Clemson 21, Connecticut 20, East Carolina 17, Florida 51, Florida State 33, Fresno State 28, Georgia 44, Georgia Tech 14, Houston 20, Idaho 43, Iowa 24, Iowa State 14, Kentucky 13, LSU 17, Marshall 21, Miami 14, Michigan State 31, Middle Tennessee State 42, Minnesota 13, Mississippi 21, Missouri 13, Navy 35, Nebraska 33, Nevada 10, North Carolina 17, Northern Illinois 3, Northwestern 35, Ohio State 26, Ohio U. 17, Oklahoma 31, Okalahoma State 7, Oregon 17, Oregon State 20, Penn State 19, Pittsburgh 19, Rutgers 45, SMU 45, South Carolina 7, South Florida 27, Southern California 24, Southern Miss 32, Stanford 27, TCU 10, Temple 21, Tennessee 14, Texas 21, Texas A&M 20, Texas Tech 41, Troy 41, USC 24, UCLA 30, Utah 37, Virginia Tech 37, West Virginia 21, Wisconsin 20, Wyoming 35.

• Teams that wound up with losing records for the season by accepting bids to "bowl games" (which they lost): Minnesota, the 8th-ranked team of the 11 teams of the "Big Ten," previously 6-6, was beaten 14-13 by Iowa State, which had come in 4th in its division of the "Big 12" (and 8th over all), in the "Insight Bowl" in Tempe, Arizona (maybe it should have been called the Tiebreaker Bowl, or the Playoff Bowl, or the Loser Bowl, as it pitted two 6-6 teams against each other); and Michigan State, also previously 6-6, and sixth in the "Big Ten" but a loser to Minnesota in the regular season, was beaten 41-31 by Texas Tech in the "Valero Alamo Bowl" in San Antonio, Texas.
  
• Teams that risked winding up with losing records for the season by accepting bids to a "bowl games" but wound up with winning records (because they won):  Besides Iowa State, there were UCLA, which beat Temple 30-21 in the "EagleBank Congressional Bowl," in Washington, D.C., to go 7-6, and Florida State, which beat West Virginia 33-21 in the "Konica Minolta Toyota Mazda Gator Bowl," in Jacksonville, Florida, to go 7-6.
• The "Roady's Humanitarian Bowl," in which Idaho beat Bowling Green State, 43-42, was played on blue grass (and we do not mean "bluegrass") in Boise, Idaho, on the home field of Boise State (which played in the "Tostitos Fiesta Bowl" in Glendale, Arizona).

"I write books; I don't read 'em."
                                                      – Bill Russell, former Boston
                                                         Celtics  basketball  center

Crystal Gayle, 59
Joan Baez, 69
Elvis Presley, 75

• North Korea (of the "Axis of Evil")
• Egypt (homeland of Muhammad Atta)
• the United Arab Emirates (homeland of two other 9/11 hijackers)
• England (homeland of Richard Reid)
• Alaska (homeland of – never mind)
  

A 92-year-old man plowed his sedan into a Biscuits 'N' Gra-
vy & More restaurant in Port Orange, Florida, and sat down
and ordered his breakfast.  . . .  A 66-year-old diner at a fast
food restaurant in El Cajon, California, was killed by an SUV
driven into the building by a 74-year-old man. . . .A 17-year-
old girl killed her 16-year-old brother in a game of pedestrian
chicken  in the parking lot of  the Superstition Springs Mall  in
Mesa, Arizona. . . . An Iranian journalist sentenced to 6 years
in prison  was ordered to spend an additional five years there-
after in exile in Gonabad. . . .  A 22-year-old man in Portland,
Oregon,  was accused of  snipping  hair  from women sitting in
front of him on the bus. .  .  . Fifteen Arab-American members
of the Class of '11 at a high school in Dearborn, Michican, de-
signed and wore class sweatshirts with a 9/11 theme. . . . A fu-
neral home in Albuquerque, New Mexico, included a woman's
brain in a bag of personal effects returned to her family.  . . .  A
1-year-old Chinese boy playing with chopsticks wound up with
one stuck up his nose  and  implanted in his brain  (surgeons re-
moved it). .  .  . A 41-year-old woman bit off her lover's lip in a
New Year's kiss in Dallas, Texas. .  .  . A man in Midwest City,
Oklahoma,was arrested early New Year's Day for smashing his
former girl friend's 72-inch TV with his butt. . . .Union and Con-
federate civil war re-enactors inVirginia charged each other with
assault.  .  .  . A minor league baseball player in Estero,  Florida,
was  suspended  for a blood alcohol content higher than his bat-
ting average (.234 to .216).

                             [courtesy Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

STEPHEN YATES wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @10:45:58 CST:

You forgot the Haircut Bowl.

B Woods wrote Thurs 31 Dec 2009 @ 19:58:0 CST:

Not to mention the Soup Bowl, and the Punch Bowl.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @10:04:26 CST:

You made up that list of bowl games, right?

Actually,  we made up only the last eight of the 54 on  last week's list.
We did, however, list past as well as present sponsors of many of the
"real" college bowl football games.

Questions – get 'em all right for a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines:

• Which teams wound up with losing records for the season by accepting bids to "bowl" games?
  
• Which teams risked winding up with losing records for the season by accepting bids to "bowl" games but wound up with winning records only because they won their "bowl" games?
• Which of the "bowl" games was played on blue grass?  (not "bluegrass")

Of all the "bowls," however, the "International" Bowl may be the dumbest.  It was played in Toronto,
Canada, on Jan. 2 between the University of Northern Illinois (7-5; second in its division of its own
conference, fourth over all in its conference) and the University of South Florida (7-5;  fifth  in its
own conference).  USF won 27-3 (making it 8-5, Northern Illinois 7-6).

This game was actually worth watching, just for how poorly both teams played (particularly UNI).
If you're curious, and can find a replay on line, the 5th and 6th minutes of the 4th quarter will do.
The most interesting aspect of the telecast, however, was a 4th quarter break feature on the mea-
sures USF took to secure visas for its coaches, players, and cheerleaders (as if anyone gave a shit
about the band – most of whom were probably from Canada anyway).

We'll bring you all the scores next week.  And there'll be a special prize – Honorary Editor – for any-
one who can give us an accurate count of all the empty seats.   – Editor


Len wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @16:30:27 EST also:

Reports from Nazareth  [such as the archaeological find
of Jesus' neighbors' house]  are greatly exaggerated and
presumptuous.   There is no compelling evidence to sup-
port the claim that the Jesus spoken of in the gospel was
(a) a real person or (b) raised in Nazareth. For that mat-
ter there is no archaeological evidence that Nazareth (or
Bethlehem) existed prior to the 2nd century CE (late 1st
century pottery shards  may have been transported there
during settlement). . . .

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 27 Dec 2009 @05:15:11 PST (as
did Stephen Yates and Len also):

"A Chinaman was attached by monkeys . . . ?"  What
 was the Chinaman attached to?

Not to the copyreader, obviously.  – Ed.

Burmese refugees migrating to Fort Wayne dropped from about 800
in 2007  to only 300 in 2009  (the city is believed to have the largest
Burmese community in the United States, estimated at 5,000). . . .

A man wearing a pair of women's panties for a face mask  robbed  a
convenience store in Franklin. . . .

A worker fell 80 feet to his death in a  grain company  silo  in Adams
County.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A University of Kentucky psychologist found that acetaminophen  (the
active ingredient in Tylenol)  eases social pain.
                                                                            [courtesy Harper's]

A staffer  for  Rand  Paul,  candidate for the Republican nomination for
U.S. Senator, resigned because Paul prohibited his staff from criticizing
the Republican Party. . . .

A Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader whose  day  job  is teaching school in
northern Kentucky  sued  thedirty.com,  a gossip site on the web,  over
an article titled  "The Dirty Bengals Cheerleader,"  which  reported  that
she had been exposed to venereal disease.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

"It's all bad."
                            – Jeanetta Girard

Tiger Woods, 34
Patti Smith, 63
J. D. Salinger, 91

A life-size Jesus shot a life-size Santa Claus  in a lawn dis- play in San Luis Obispo County,  California.  .  .  .  Orna- ments  depicting  Mao Tse-tung  and  drag queen  Hedda Lettuce were  among  800  hung  on the Christmas tree in theWhite House. . . .  A GPS sent a couple's SUV down a remote forest road in eastern Oregon on Christmas Day, stranding them in snow for three days.  . . . Jasper Schurin- ga, the Dutch passenger who tackled Umar Farouk Abdul- mutallab on Flight 253 on Christmas Day, sold a story and cell phone photos to CNN, ABC and the New York Post for $18,000. . . . Jesus' face appeared on a banana in sub- urban Sydney,  Australia. . . . A mortuary in Rome,  Geor- gia, offered free funerals and burials to drunk drivers killed on New Year's Eve.  .  .  . A woman in Manchester dialed 999  (Britain's 911)  to complain that her squalling cat was giving her a headache. .  .  . A bill was under consideration in theWisconsin legislature to name  Lactococcus lactis  the state microbe  (it's what turns milk to cheese). . . . Custody of a 7-year old girl was taken from her mother,  Lisa,  who moved from Vermont toVirginia, renounced homosexuality and  became an Evangelical Christian,  and awarded to Li- sa's ex-spouse,  Janet. . . . Brazilian doctors decided to let nine of  31 needles remain in a 2-year-old boy's body  (in- jected by his stepfather,  who has not been charged with a crime). . . .Vandals burned 1,137 cars in what has become a NewYear's Eve tradition in France. . . . Eleven of 19 py- thons survived a mobile home fire in St. George, Utah. . . . A woman was found slumped over the steering wheel of a stolen delivery van in Meade County, South Dakota,  with a blood alcohol content over .70 per cent.  .  .  . The Holy See sought to trademark and copyright the title, name, and image of the Pope.

Concerned father takes revenge

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

© 2010 the Vatican [used without permission]