• no closet, nor rack, nor even a coat tree,
• no ball point pen, and
• not even a Gideon's Bible.                                        ]
  

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 18 Apr 2010 @06:51:02 PDT:

How does a tree get  unusually  high?   Maybe it was a contact
high from towering over a marijuana field set afire by the DEA.

Len wrote Sun 18 Apr 2010 @08:46:28 EDT:

The man arrested  for concocting a hoax weapon of mass de-
struction in Fort Myers, Florida, should be charged with crea-
ting an actual weapon of mass destruction, assault, battery, at-
tempt  to do great bodily harm,  and probably attempted mur-
der.  Mixing ammonia and bleach creates a reaction that relea-
ses highly toxic chlorine gas.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 19 Apr 2010 @10:46:06 PDT re last
week's headline "Children's advocates urge halt to abuse":

I think we must give the pedophiles equal time.   After all,  they
are entitled to their "point of view."

Terry Crow wrote Tues 20 Apr 2010 @18:47:42 PDT:

I remember "Tedy Bruschi" when he played college football
at  Arizona.   When I saw how his name was spelled,  I  felt
cheated.  Therefore,  I vote for "Brewski."

Publius Leget wrote Weds 21 Apr 2010 @13:45:41 CDT:

A sign characterized Obama as "radical, racist, Osama bin La-
den, and Uncle Tom, all three"?  How  about,  all  four?

Normally we would say that was a "joke, son."  Or,  we could postu-
late that only three of the epithets are  mutually  contradictory  (if you
equate "radical" and "Osama bin Laden").

The truth is, however, we made a mistake. – Editor

The owner of a Fort Wayne laundromat that posted a  "No Burmese"
sign agreed with the city's civil rights office to undergo "diversity train-
ing."
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

An ammonia leak at a downtown dairy in Newport forced evacu-
ation of the Campbell County Courthouse across the street. . . .

Louisville's new 22,000-seat basketball arena has been named the
"KFC Yum! Center " for 10 years in a $13.5 million contract with
the Yum! Brands company, of  Louisville,  which owns Taco Bell,
Pizza Hut, Long John Silver's,  and  the  fast food  chain  formerly
known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Surviving government officials in Poland, which has one of the finest
railroad systems in the world,  took low-flying airplanes  from War-
saw to Krakow  for the funeral of President Lech Kaczynski,  to a-
void volcanic ash  from  Iceland.  The heads of state of France and
Germany, both of which also have fine rail systems, chose not to go
at all, for fear of flying.

President Dmitri Medvedev and others from Russia, where Kaczyn-
ski, his wife, and 92 other Polish government and cultural dignitaries
were killed in a plane crash, also arrived by air.
                                                                             [courtesy MSM]

"We have replaced the music of the early morning program with the sound of
 the rooster,  replaced the news music with the sound of the firing bullet,  and
 replaced the music of the night program with the sound of running horses."

                                   – Osman  Abdullahi  Gure,  director of Radio Shabelle  in  Mogadishu,
                                      announcing a programming change demanded by Islamic insurgents

"Well, come in there!"
                                    – Jeanetta Girard

"I just love feeding the geese with the grandkids.''

                                                – anonymous resident of a retirement village on the
                                                   Central Coast of Australia, to the Senior newspaper

Have the radio and television "news magazines" finally,
exhausted, everything, interesting?

Björn Ulvaeus, 65
John Paul Stevens, 90

The recipe for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto in Pen- guin Group Australia's new Pasta Bible called for  "salt and freshly ground black people"  (it's been recalled after untold thousands of sales). . . . Lt. Robin Chaurasiya was honorab- ly discharged from the Air Force for coming out of the clos- et. . . . In an AP/CNBC poll of Americans, 55 per cent op- posed legalizing marijuana. . . . Pope Benedict met with vic- tims of sexual abuse by Maltese priests. .  .  . Some patrons were  removed  from New York's Museum of Modern Art for fondling naked performance artists. . . . A biologist, fire- fighters and police took 45 minutes to get a bear's head out of a milk can in Reading, Vermont. .  .  . The FDA advised people not to give bones to their dogs. .  .  . The economic recession was blamed for a 16 per cent nosedive in motor- cycle deaths in the last year. . . .Two men who got married in Massachusetts got divorced in Texas, but the state attor- ney general appealed the decree. .  .  . A 41-year-old wo- man was arrested in Stevens Point,Wisconsin, for shooting four pedestrians from her van,  in  separate incidents,  with blow darts  (she told police she liked to  hear  people  say "ouch"). . . .  A 69-year-old man doing volunteer weeding in town gardens in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, was shot in the back with a blow dart. . . . The "Geezer Bandit" hit another bank in San Diego County, California.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

A woman who set her freshly sprayed hair on fire when she lit a ciga-
rette while driving was voted the annual village idiot  at the Story Inn
in Brown County.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

A New Albany man stabbed his wife in the back with an electric drill.

                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Twenty-three men and women were indicted by a federal grand jury in
Louisville for marrying Cambodians in an immigration scam. . . .

A  candidate  who had been sentenced to 12 years in prison  for  bank
robbery  withdrew from the race for Sheriff in Grant County. . . .

KFC ("formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken") ran a TV commercial in Au-
stralia showing a white Aussie sports fan using a bucket of fried chicken
to calm a rowdy bunch of black West Indian fans at a cricket match. . . .

A sign at a Tea Party rally in Louisville characterized President Obama
as a radical, a racist, an Osama bin Laden, and an Uncle Tom, all three.

                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A woman was arrested in Falmouth for being a convicted felon in pos-
session of a dog weighing more than 25 pounds (and the dog was sen-
tenced to death).
                                           [courtesy Edwin F. Kagin, an attorney
                                             consulted by the woman and the dog]

"If you support our troops, you have to support the IRS."

                                     – E. J. Dionne, Washington Post columnist

"Now under attack from the world, which has been telling us about our
 sins, we realize that it's necessary to repent."
                                                                       – Pope Benedict XVI

"I'm truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought
 to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL."

                   – Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger,
                      who learned he would not face criminal charges for
                      overpowering a college girl in a nightclub restroom

Julie Christie and Pete Rose, both 69 last Wednesday
Olivia Hussey, 59
Balls Mahoney, 38

Hank Williams won a Pulitzer Prize (and the National Enquirer
did not).  . . .  Tedy Bruschi analyzed Terry Bradshaw's analy-
sis of Ben Roethlisberger on ESPN. . . .  A Pittsburgh compa-
ny canceled its line of "Big Ben's Beef Jerky." . . . Two Britons
on a day trip to France forgot they had left their elderly mother
in the back seat of their car in a parking garage in Dover.  .  .  .
A  judge  in Erie, Pennsylvania,  tossed out a 12-year-old girl's
suit  claiming she was burned and developed PTSD and Tour-
ette's from being shot in the face with a price scanner at a store.
. . . A man who mixed bleach, ammonia, cough syrup, degreas-
er and cigarette butts and heated it all in a microwave at his ex's
apartment  in Fort Myers,  Florida,  causing  evacuation  of  the
building,  was  arrested  for concocting a hoax weapon of mass
destruction.  . . . One guest slapped another in the face with the
head of a 4-foot python at a motel in Rock Hill,  South  Caroli-
na,  after  an argument over loud music coming from the assail-
ant's room.  .  .  .  A woman found a 3-foot python in the toilet
of her hotel room in La Vista, Nebraska.

                            [courtesy Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Don't  forget!   Readers interest- ed in intellectual dissection of impor- tant current events  are invited to at- tend   the   Weekly   World   News Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Brownsville,  Ken- tucky,  just after church every Sun- day.   Guest  speakers  lined up for meetings  in the near future  will  in- clude Stephanie Ragusa, the middle school teacher famous for smiling in her mug shots,  who  pleaded guilty in  Tampa,  Florida,  last  week  to sex with two of her male students.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 11 April 2010 @10:04:26 CDT re Lance Farrell's
suggestion of required vasectomies for all male newborns:

Oh, I get it!  Mandatory reversible birth control at birth!

Goes with circumcision.  Rabbis could do it.  Great idea.

A 2-year-old boy was found walking the streets of New Albany af-
er midnight (his mama's in jail, now). . . .

Paoli received a $5.3 million grant from the federal Neighborhood
Stabilization Program to turn its old high school into  an  apartment
building.
                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

Police chased a stolen bread truck in Louisville until it flipped.   The
driver was a 14-year-old boy.
                                                                                [courtesy AP]

A Louisville woman remarked on Facebook  that she was going out
for the night,  and one of her "friends" burglarized her home.

                                              [courtesy Kentucky News Network]

Several cheerleaders at a Fort Worth high school were disciplined
for giving other cheerleaders soft drinks laced with urine as a joke.

                                         [courtesy Fort Worth Star-Telegram]

"Daddy, that's you!"
                                 – the children of Rashon East, of New Brunswick, New Jersey,
                                    when they saw a video on TV of a man who climbed through
                                    a McDonald's drive-through window and slapped a clerk, to
                                    get a Filet-O-Fish he felt he had waited long enough for

"The people of God are with you and do not allow themselves to be impressed
 by the petty gossip of the moment."
                                                            – Cardinal Angelo Sodano, dean of the College
                                                               of Cardinals, to the Pope on Easter Sunday

Jackie Chan, 56
Janis Ian, 59
Francis Ford Coppola, 71
Jerry Brown, 72
Ravi Shankar, 90

Strapped  by the cost of fighting citizen lawsuits over high property taxes, Saugatuck Township, Michigan, floated a referendum to raise taxes. . . .  An Arkansas woman who locked up her16-year-old son's Facebook and e-mail ac- counts was charged with criminal harassment. . . .  A high school music teacher in Winter Park, Florida, resigned af- ter being caught sending suggestive "texting" to a girl in the band  (including "Hike up your dress"  – it was not report- ed what instrument she played). . . . A mother sued a Phil- adelphia high school teacher for getting students to call her promiscuous daughter  "Handy Mandy." . . . An illustrated sign saying  "attenzione prostitute"  had motorists confused near Treviso,  Italy. . . .  A nine-leg octopus turned up at a restaurant in Tarpon Springs, Florida. . . . An octopus and two sharks turned up in the Tennessee River. . . . An Eng- lishwoman found Jesus' face  in a wad of chewed gum she had stuck on the mantel. . . .A 42-year-old woman in Co- lumubus,  Ohio,  killed a 19-year-old cousin who came to Easter dinner in "inappropriate" attire. .  .  .  A man fleeing police in Cleveland climbed a 30-foot fence and landed in a prison yard. .  .  . The Archbishop of Portland,  Oregon, canceled his subscription to the Oregonian newspaper and urged all his priests to do so. . . . Topless men and women marched together in Portland, Maine,  to  protest  unequal enforcement of indecedent exposure law.  . . .  A 17-year- old boy gored by a bull on a farm in Maine will eat it.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 28 Mar 2010 @09:56:26 PDT re Lance
Farrell's "politically unacceptable truths" Nos. "3," "4," "10" and "13":

This is all fascinating, but where is the list?  I couldn't find it.

 
We are not aware of any list.   We suspect that Sir Lance used the num-
bers for rhetorical effect.  – Editor

The city of Madison was fined $22,000 for polluting the Ohio River. ...

Police chased a stolen military Humvee over Boone County farm fields
until it got stuck in the mud. . . .

Police used a stun gun on an unruly 10-year-old boy at a day care cen-
ter in Martinsville.
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

Manure bubbles the size of small houses  popped  up  at the Union Go
Dairy Farm near Winchester.
                                                          [courtesy Wall Street Journal]

Indiana's Greg Zoeller became the 14th state attorney general to join
a suit challenging  the  constitutionality  of the new federal health care
law.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The National Collegiate Athletic Association's "Final Four" basketball
tournament is being played in a 70,000-seat football stadium in India-
napolis.
                                                      [courtesy all the usual suspects]

A Lexington man dialed 911 for assistance in getting out of a tavern
he was locked in overnight. . . .

Another Lexington man was arrested  for directing a laser pointer at
a police helicopter.
                                                                                [courtesy AP]

"I am not going to waste taxpayer dollars on a political stunt."

                                        – Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway, declining to join the suit
                                           challenging the constitutionality of the new federal health care law

"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over
and capsize."
                                            – Congressman Hank Johnson (D-Ga.), expressing
                                                concern over additional buildup on Guam

"Faith in God leads toward the courage of not allowing oneself to be intimidated by
  the petty gossip of dominant opinion."
                                                                                           – Pope Benedict XVI

Lucy Lawless, 42
Nancy Kwan, 71
John Demjanjuk, 90

The ladies are losing their right to their form of birth control be-
cause it kills political tissue.

But there's an opposite-sex alternative to aborton, that might be
more  "politically  correct":  Mandatory vasectomy at birth, that
could be reversed only when the subject demonstrates  that  he
can and will support a family.  You  want  that?  Or,  you could
just keep abortion legal.  I envision back alley vasectomy rever-
sals already. . . .
                                                 [submitted by Lance Farrell]

Two British Muslims failed 33 of 43 driver's license tests they
had contracted to take for others. . . . An insurance company
denied coverage of surgery for a Texas boy born with a heart
defect because it was a "pre-existing condition." .  .  .  A man
charged  with beating up his quadruple amputee girl friend  in
St. Paul, Minnesota, said she hit him first. . . . A 22-year-old
man  who  ran  naked  through a grocery store  in Kingsport,
Tennessee,  told police he was bored  and had nothing to do.
. . . A Missouri state representative got a protective order a-
gainst her husband,  and he filed to run for office against her.
.  .  . A 3-year-old boy drove two blocks down the street in
the family car in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. . . . Tiger Woods was
first in the Boston Phoenix' annual list of 100  unsexiest  men
(Scott Brown was 99th). . . .Jean Timms, 65, of Gun Town,
in Itawamba County, Mississippi, entered a residence north
of Red Bay in the Pogo community of Franklin County, Al-
abama  (according to an article datelined Russellville  in the
Times Daily,  which does not identify itself by  city  or  state),
claiming to be Jesus, on a mission to have sex with the home-
owner's wife and daughter, then dropped trousers and claim-
ed to be Elvis  (when arrested,  he told the police they would
not be able to hold him because he was the grandson of Hou-
dini). . . . Ricky Martin came out of the closet.