Len wrote Sun 21 Mar 2010 @10:46:58 EDT re the suggestion
of giving 10,000 square miles of Arizona to the Zionists:

And they would still end up in a place with no oil.

Actually,  it was not our mother who suggested giving a piece of Ari-
zona to the Zionists,  and it wasn't Arizona, or even just a piece of it.
She was quoting an Arabian-American scholar she knew.   What he
said – about 1953 – was:  "Why don't we give them Texas?"   (And
with Texas there would have been oil.)  – Editor


FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:42:57 EDT re the
Columbus Dispatch headline  reporting the Pulitzer prize nomination
for the National Enquirer:

Say what?  The Columbus Dispatch is a "legit" newspaper, no?

Yeah,  the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch was merely one of the "MSM"
reporting the good fortune of the National Enquirer  –  which actually
did get a Pulitzer nomination for its coverage of John Edwards' extra-
marital affair.  Prize winners will be announced April 12.  – Ed.

A 74-year-old Terre Haute city councilman was arrested for imper-
sonating a policeman.
                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]

The bill passed by the state House of Representatives that would fine
a teen-ager $100 for a first offense of "sexting," and force her to reg-
ister as a felony sex offender for a second offense,  was  rejected  in
the state Senate for not being harsh enough. . . .

Wallace Wilkinson Jr., charged with receiving stolen property for not
returning a rented car on time, became the second son of a late Ken-
tucky governor arrested for a felony in the last year (Steve Nunn, the
son of Louis Nunn, was arrested for murder last September).

                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"Pigs will fly before the National Enquirer is ever considered for journalism's
 most coveted prize."
                                     – Mary Sanchez, in the Kansas City Star

"Listen up, Buckwheat, this is not how it is done."

          – Corey Poitier, a Republican (and African-American) candidate for Congress in Florida's largely
             black and heavily Democratic 17th District, criticizing President Obama's health care plan

Andrew Lloyd Webber, 62
Stephen Sondheim, 80
Chaka Khan, 57
Peyton Manning, 34

It is a natural form of population control just like homosexuality (see politically
unacceptable truth #4).  In times of severe warren overpopulation  (see politic-
ally unacceptable truth #10) rabbit mothers will reabsorb their embryos.  Right
now seal mothers in northern Canada are aborting their fetuses at sea  because
there is  not enough sea ice  (see politically unacceptable truth #3)  on which to
whelp.

Good for society because what the world  needs  is  fewer  unwanted  children
drawn to crime, drugs, sex, and more abortions.   It  costs  more  to offer nutri-
tion programs, pre- and post-natal care and adoption services.

So until scientists create an organism that eats the poor  and  excretes  gasoline,
abortion should be legal  (but as long as a party thinks it has God on its side,  it
will be the perfect issue to keep the followers upset and voting).

                                                                         [submitted by Lance Farrell]

Major league baseball re-legalized  the  spit  ball  (well,  not ex-
actly,  but pitchers no longer have to get an umpire's permission
to wet their fingers for a "better" grip). . . . A 16-year-old Lake
County, Illinois, girl was facing surgery on both wrists for severe
carpal tunnel syndrome developed from texting  more  than 100
messages a day. .  .  .  A Chicago woman arrested for stiffing a
cabbie in Naperville,  Illinois,  called 911 from jail to report she
was trapped. . . . A 17-year-old burglar in Kennewick,  Wash-
ington,  logged on to his MySpace account  on the store's com-
puter and left police all the clues they needed to track him down.
.  .  .  Bank robbers in Fairfield,  Connecticut,  aged 27  and 16,
phoned in their order for money to go,  and police were waiting
when they arrived. . . .  Trinette Robinson, 11, of Bristol,  Con-
necticut,  won the 35th annual National Rotten Sneaker contest.
. . . No one filed for town board or tree warden  (the only other
office up for election) in Hawley, Massachusetts (pop. 336). . . .
A teacher who hanged President Obama in effigy in a classroom
at Central Falls High School in Rhode Island  was neither arrest-
ed nor fired. .  .  .  Air New Zealand withdrew a training manual
that warned cabin staff  that Tongans would "try to drink the bar
dry."  . . .  A woman was found dead on a 21-day prayer fast in
Polk  County,  Florida  (her family did not check on her  for  26
days).  .  .  . A former prisoner was sentenced to 15 more years
for trying to  break  in  to the Brevard County Jail in Florida (he
had feared retaliation on the outside from his  manslaughter  vic-
tim's family). . . . Malcolm X' only confessed killer,  on work re-
lease since 1988, was paroled  (two others convicted of murder
in the case were paroled prior to 1988). . . .  North Korea's fin-
ance minister was executed for attempted currency reform. .  .  .
India's military decided to use bhut jolokia ("ghost chili"),  said to
be 400 times as hot as a jalapeño,  in  grenades  for immobilizing
terrorist suspects. .  .  .  Lindsay Lohan's visa to India was under
review. . . .  A mother in Dallas,  Texas,  pitched her 1-year-old
baby through an open window into her moving SUV  to stop the
repo man who was driving it away. . . . The police chief of Agua-
leguas, Mexico, was decapitated.  . . .  A 1985 time capsule dug
up in Somerton, Arizona, contained a videotape.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 14 Mar 2010 @08:32:13 PDT:

How's the virtual child handling the death of its sister?  Not
blaming itself, I hope . . . .

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 14 Mar 2010 @12:36:50 EDT:

Great collection of Florida dumb news last week.    Several
events veered really close to my home, geographically. Fort
Myers is one of the craziest places on earth.  One should a-
void it.     They won't even let their county commissioner be
married to a former stripper.

An Indianapolis Star sportswriter blamed the switch to "daylight saving"
time for the Indiana Pacers' lack of energy in a  loss  to  the  Milwaukee
Bucks in a National Basketball Association game last Sunday. . . .

Muslim inmates including John Walker Lindh sued the federal prison in
Terre Haute complaining they aren't allowed to pray in groups as often
as their religion demands.
                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

An 11-year-old boy in Louisville died from a shot in the heart with a BB-
gun by his 16-year-old uncle. . . .

A 13-year-old boy arguing with his father died jumping out of the moving
family car near Paducah.
                                                                                        [courtesy AP]

"Holy criminy, you just shot the map!"
                                                            – Jake Bare, a junior at Reed Point High School
                                                                in Montana, when the school superintendent,
                                                                a Civil War re-enactor, discharged his black
                                                                powder muzzle-loader in history class

"I think the more you practice and learn, the more you get better at it."                                          

                                                 – Colbert Williams, on National Public Radio's "StoryCorps"

Count Claus-Casimir of Orange-Nassau, Jonkheer van Amsberg, 6
Molly Luz Dean-Polacheck, 11
Queen Latifah, 40

We might get solar power to work on a national level by allocating a 100-mile-square
tract in the Arizona desert and revamping the entire power transmission network.

    [submitted by Tony Dean]

Tony's late mother (and mine) suggested that we could allocate another tract of the Ari-
zona desert, of the same size, to the Zionists, and resolve the Middle East conflict  (100
miles square equals 10,000 square miles, which is 25 per cent more than the entire area
of Israel  – and there'd still be more than 93,000 square miles left for the Arizonans and
the Indians).   – Editor

A 68-year-old man was arrested for punching little boys in the
backs of their heads with  keyed  knuckles  while their parents
were not looking,  at a Wal-Mart in Columbus, Ohio  (he told
police he did it because he liked getting away with it). . . . One
of 370 teachers laid off  in  Modesto,  California,  told her stu-
dents she would have to become a stripper and sell her ova to
get by. . . . Majority Leader Kevin Garn resigned from the U-
tah House of Representatives  after admitting he went hot-tub-
bing with a 15-year-old girl in Salt Lake City in 1985 (he later
paid her $150,000 to keep quiet about it). . . .One of the Tex-
as School Board's social studies standards revisions preferred
Thomas Aquinas' political philosophy over Thomas Jefferson's.
.  .  . A passenger on a Greyhound bus kicked the driver in the
head  on I-70  in  Utah,  causing a crash injuring the driver and
five passengers (including the kicker). . . . A dentist in Fall Riv-
er, Massachusetts, was found to have used paper clips instead
of stainless steel posts in root canals. . . . A single-engine plane
making an emergency landing killed a jogger on Hilton Head Is-
land's beach in South Carolina. . . . Susan Mukuhi Mwarabu, a
sixth-grade  teacher,  was arrested for biting off and eating part
of a man's ear at a greasy spoon  in St. Paul,  Minnesota.  .  .  .
Two St. Patrick's Day bank robbers including one dressed as a
leprechaun were chased down and shot dead by police in Galla-
tin,  Tennessee  (the leprechaun was later identified as the Santa
Claus who robbed a bank in Nashville three days before Christ-
mas). .  .  .  Ron Washington, manager of baseball's Texas Ran-
gers, who failed a cocaine test last year, admitted he used mari-
juana and amphetamines as a player 25 years ago. . . . A feder-
al appeals court ordered a Pennsylvania prosecutor not to bring
felony charges against a 16-year-old girl  accused  of  "sexting."
.  .  .  An injured dog walked into a hospital emergency room in
Farmington, New Mexico.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Chinese woman grows horns                                                           [courtesy the Sun of London]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7 Mar 2010 @00:01:16 PST:

Damn.  I wish certain teachers had sent nekked
pictures of themselves when I was in school.

An Indianapolis man on his way back from the Indiana State Farm at
Putnamville, where he had just served four months for dealing in hash
and pot, was arrested for smoking dope as he neared his Indianapolis
home. . . .

The police chief's garage was one of five cleaned out by burglars in his
Richmond neighborhood. . . .

The national Alpha Tau Omega office kicked out 106 of the 126 mem-
bers of its Indiana University chapter for hazing and drinking.

                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

The Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity house was closed by the University
of Kentucky after one member wrapped another in toilet paper and set
it on fire (residents were given 24 hours to move out).
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]


A woman being booked into jail in Owensboro for public intoxication
squirted breast milk in a matron's face  and  now  faces  an additional
charge of assault on a police officer, a felony.
                                                                       [courtesy WYMT-TV]

A 20-year-old visitor gave birth in a restroom at a men's prison  near
LaGrange,  stuffed the infant's mouth with toilet paper,  and  dumped
her in a trash bin (at the mother's arraignment for murder her relatives
said they hadn't known she was pregnant and neither had she).

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Another woman who said she didn't know she was pregnant gave birth
on the floor of a laundromat in Harrodsburg (both the baby and the 32-
year-old mother are doing fine).

                                           [courtesy Danville Advocate-Messenger]

The state House of Representatives cut funding to public schools but
found $100,000 to appropriate  for  a  Christian  school  in  Breathitt
County.
                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

In the biggest moonshine raid in years,  lawmen seized 100 gallons of
whiskey and 500 gallons of mash at a still in Bell County, which abuts
Virginia and Tennessee in the southeastern corner of Kentucky.

                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"You were hatched from a buzzard egg."
                                                                – the late Delphia Duvall,  of Sunfish,  Ken-
                                                                   tucky,  concluding a string of epithets she
                                                                   hurled at a youth who had beat up her son

J. Fred Muggs, 58
Michael Martin Murphey, 65
Chuck Norris, 70

A woman shaving her "bikini area" as she drove in Cudjoe Key,
Florida, rear-ended another vehicle. . . . A man leaning out of a
car window  to  vomit  was killed when the driver sideswiped a
utility pole in Palm Harbor, Florida. . . . A man who was asked
to leave a cocktail lounge in Fort Myers, Florida, because of his
bare feet responded by removing the rest of his clothes.  . . .  A
theater student who made a mock truck bomb  for a class proj-
ect at the University of Central Florida, in Ocala,  was jailed for
"display of a hoax weapon of mass destruction." . . .  Itawamba
Agricultural High School  in  Fulton,  Mississippi,  canceled  the
prom when it learned a student intended to attend  with  her girl
friend. . . . A New York chef was serving up cheese made from
his wife's breast  milk. . . . A man who fell asleep while cooking
bacon in Salford,  England,  said he awoke an hour later to find
the image of Jesus burned into the base of the frying pan. . . . A
box of rat poison mistaken for curry sent 25 persons to the hos-
pital in Vietnam. .  .  . North Korea said it would blow up South
Korea and the U.S. . . .  A South Korean 3-year-old starved to
death while her parents reared a virtual child on line. . . . A sumo
wrestler carried off an ATM from a store in Moscow. . . . A pa-
tron who complained about another viewer's use of a cell phone
at a movie theater  in  Lancaster,  California,  was stabbed in the
neck with a meat thermometer. .  .  .  A toddler crawled through
the dispensing hatch of a lollipop vending machine in Perth, Aus-
tralia, and got trapped in the display. . . . A van with a corpse in-
side was towed from a mortuary in New York for being parked
illegally.  .  .  .  A parishioner drove her Toyota into St. George's
Church  in  New  Britain,  Connecticut  (she said the accelerator
pedal stuck). . . .  Topeka changed its name to Google, Kansas.

AP]

Chinese docs baffled    by tot's scale-like skin                                 [courtesy the Sun (of London)]

Publius  Leget  wrote  Sun 28 Feb 2010 @10:04:26 CST  re last
week's "quotation of the week":

Did General McChrystal really say that?

We abridged the quotation.   The full sentence uttered by General
McChrystal was, "We are here to protect the Afghan people, and
inadvertently killing or injuring civilians undermines their  trust  and
confidence in our mission."   Aside from the banality of the "under-
mines their trust"  phrase,  it seems to us that the NATO comman-
der in Afghanistant is confused about the mission.  "To protect the
Afghan people"?     And we thought the mission had something to
do with Osama bin Laden, Al Qaeda and the Taliban!  – Editor


Keith  Durbin  wrote  Sun 28 Feb 2010 @22:00:55 CST  re last
week's  dumb news from Indiana  (the man charged with a felony
for seducing women while he had AIDS):

Next they will be calling seducing women when you know
you've got syphillis a felony.  Where will it end?  With her-
pes?

An informal poll of our editorial board concluded that it would not
end before chlamydia T.  – Ed.

A state auditor in Portgage interrupted an unfavorable work review
to go to his car for a shotgun, which he fired into his office from out-
side – after the boss had locked the door and other employees had
fled to the rear. . . .

A Fort Wayne man was arrested at a mall in Indianapolis for using a
shoe camera to look under women's dresses. . . .

A recording will replace the  bell  in the tower of the rebuilt Jefferson
County Courthouse in Madison,  nearly destroyed by fire last year.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A deputy sheriff in Adair County lost his job after locking himself in
a jail cell and trying to shoot his way out. . . .

A deputy sheriff seen with a state trooper among spectators in a vi-
deo of a cock fight in Clay County, reported in last week's Tabloid
Headlines, was identified as Dwayne Hess, who now in running for
constable in Laurel County.  He said he was at the cock fight seek-
ing a fugitive.
                                                                               [courtesy AP]

A Harrison County casino sued a Kentuckian for $75,000 it lent him
to gamble away, and will get triple damages plus attorney's fees  if  it
wins the case.  The Kentuckian pleaded that he was drunk  and  that
the casino violated the law in lending him the money.

                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"'No Child Left Behind' was the most advanced civil rights legislation
  since the Voting Rights Act."
                                              – former President George W. Bush

"I missed the Kentucky - South Carolina game."
                                                                            – Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning, complaining
                                                                                about the late hour of debate on unemploy-
                                                                                ment benefits and highway projects, which
                                                                                he blocked single-handedly with a "hold"

"People are messed up."
                                        – Jeanetta Girard

Laraine Newman, 58
Janet Guthrie, 72
Harry Belafonte, 83
Doc Watson, 87
Kiki Dee, 63

A Welsh motorist was ticketed for flossing her teeth at 70 miles per hour. .  .  . An Englishman was fined for taking his dog for a stroll while driving alongside in a car. .  .  . A British theme park offered $500 for the foulest urine,  for  a "signature stench"  in a horror maze. . . . An Air Canada flight to England was canceled after a rat was found in overhead storage. . . . An angry passen- ger on a flight from Poland to England  ate  his winning 10,000- Euro scratchcard when told it could not be cashed on board. ... Southern California's Negrohead Mountain,  known as Nigger- head Mountain until 1960,  was renamed Ballard Mountain. . . . Marie Osmond's 18-year-old son jumped to his  death  from  a downtown Los Angeles apartment building. . . .Four policemen, two animal control officers and an off-duty cop on a motorcycle chased a goat around Odesssa,  Texas,  for  30  minutes  before subduing it with a stun gun. . . . An emu attacked deputies trying to corral it on I-10 in El Paso,  Texas  (and they killed it). . . . A woman from Tampa,  Florida,  tweeted her abortion. . . . A ma- rine conservationist said that a killer whale's murder of  its trainer at Sea World in Orlando,  Florida,  was  premeditated.  .  .  .  A man dialed 911 more than 200 times in three days in Avon Park, Florida,  and spoke only with female dispatchers. .  .  .  Police in Tacoma,  Washington,  responding to a  911  call about a naked woman tied to a tree were told by the woman and her male com- panion they were having a "consensual rendezvous.". . . A couple having sex in a moving pickup truck plowed into a house in Lew- iston,  Idaho. . . . A 50-year-old man survived an auto crash into a utility pole in Grays County, Washington, but was electrocuted when he urinated on a live power line. .  .  .  A man was charged with indedent exposure in Seattle,Washington, for sending a pho- tograph of himself naked to a Facebook "friend."  .  .  .  Melinda Dennehy,  a 41-year-old high school English teacher  in London- derry, New Hampshire, was arrested for sending nude photos of herself  and suggestive messages  to a 15-year-old boy  (and the photos were quickly "sexted" throughout the school). . . . A study found that 74-year-olds are the happiest people.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]