• Why he wants mosque at 9/11 site
• His shocking confession to top government official
  

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 8/22/2010 @14:12 EDT  in response
to the contest question "In what context did veteran newscaster and
commentator Ted Koppel pose this provocative question? . . . First
to get it right gets a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines":

What a temptation!  But the bargaining comes first,  of course.
For example,  is Ted looking for a percentage?  Odds?  Who
will judge - then?

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 8/22/2010 @09:46 PDT

An interview with a climatologist on the subject of global warming?

TedF wrote Sun 8/22/2010 @12:42 CDT:

That wasn't Ted Koppel; it was Pete Seeger.

TedF is right.  Here's another MP3 with Koppel speaking first, Seeger
second. – Ed.


Scott Dean wrote Sun 15 Aug 2010 @1535 EDT:

In re the Indianapolis police officer honored by MADD who killed
the motorcyclist:  He was never administered a Breathalyzer.  Wit-
nesses say there was no cause to believe he was intoxicated.  The
0.19% blood/alcohol score came after a routine blood test  hours
later.  Now the kicker:  Since it was administered as part of a po-
lice department internal investigation  and  no search warrant  was
served beforehand, all charges are expected to be dismissed. The
blood test results are said to be inadmissible.

Thanks for the correction and additional information.  It did not make last
week's Tabloid Headlines because we found your e-mail only  last  Mon-
day.  It had been routed by our "server" into a spam folder.

So, did the cop use the old DUI excuse?  "I was so nervous over being
involved in an accident that I had a shot and a beer while waiting for the
police."

And, has the charge been dismissed?   The world wants to know.  We
went to the Indianapolis Star web site to find out, but they wouldn't tell
us.  – Editor

A 59-year-old woman on probation in Northampton County, Pennsyl-
vania, for sending 200 threatening messages to her landlords  said  she
failed a urine test because she was using gin-soaked raisins to treat her
arthritis.
                                           [courtesy Lehigh Valley Express-Times]

Preservationists were annoyed by the installation of vinyl cornices in
the restoration of the Jefferson County Courthouse in Madison,  the
roof of which was destroyed by fire last year.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

More than 250 residents cheered as the town zoning board rejected
– purportedly for inadequate parking plans – a petition by immigrant
Somalis to build a mosque in  Mayfield. . . .

Bristol Palin will receive $14,000 to speak at a $125-a-plate benefit
for a home for unwed mothers in Louisville. . . .

                                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

James Edward House, 53, of Sellersburg, Indiana,  was arrested for
bigamy in Oldham County, Kentucky, for marrying Linda Gail Ross,
40, of New Albany, Indiana,  in Crestwood,  Kentucky,  in April of
2008 just a week after he married Christina Renea Settle, 41, of Po-
land,  Indiana,  in Louisville.  Officials in Floyd County,  Indiana,  re-
vealed that House already was married,  at the time of his first marri-
age in Kentucky, to yet another woman, Leslea D. Fields,  whom he
wed in New Albany in 1989.  A  fourth  woman,  Georgia Newsom,
said she was married to House at the time he married Ross. . . .

                                                           [courtesy  Courier-Journal]

"The president didn't send me over here to seek a graceful exit."
                                                                                                    – General David Petraeus, in Afghanistan

"Can we all get along?''
                                       – Rodney King

Lee Ann Rimes, 28
Lee Ann Womack, 44
Shania Twain, 45
Kitty Wells, 91

Chinese motorists, mostly truck drivers,  endured a 9-day, 60-
mile traffic jam on a road to Beijing.  . . .  A 2-foot-long alliga-
tor was spotted under a car on a street in Queens, New York.
.  .  .  A life-size statue of Elvis brought $20,500  at an auction
of Rod Blagojevich's personal  effects. .  .  .  An 1,100-pound
bull leapt into the stands at a bull fight in Tafalla, Spain, and in-
jured 40 spectators. . . .  Residents of Cincinnati,  Ohio,  were
sleeping in the streets to avoid bedbugs.  . . .  A motorist stop-
ped in Cincinnati for driving with tinted windows was found al-
so to be using a dildo and watching a poronographic video  as
she drove, with the assistance of a front seat passenger. . . . A
Polish man  felt  a  lump  in the back of his head,  and  doctors
found a .22-caliber bullet fired five years earlier,  on a drunken
New Year's Eve in the streets of Herme, Germany. . . . Bristol
Palin will be on Dancing with the Stars.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett

• Lavish vacations and dinners
• Drunken White House parties
• Costly designer duds
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 8/16/2010 @14:19 PDT:

JonBenet Ramsey would be cute today, for sure, but the
pic I wanna see is of the current Eddie Fisher [now 88].

Uh, maybe not. . . .

A BP pipeline leaked into the sewers of Hammond.

                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

Louisville officials balked at renaming  34th Street  "Louis Cole-
man Jr. Blvd.,"  for  a  recently deceased civil rights leader,  be-
cause  (1) the city code limits street names to  two  words  (be-
sides direction and "street" or "avenue," etc. – take  that,  Chi-
cago! – and your "Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr.," for-
merly "South Park Drive"),  and (2) 34th street is a narrow resi-
dential thoroughfare not wide enough to qualify as a "boulevard"
under the code.
                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"The British are not human.  They are a bunch of idiots run by a Mafia.  Australians are
  a bunch of cattlemen.  Koreans need to be slapped."
                                                                                     – Reza Rahim, Vice President of Iran

"Everybody didn't elect him."
                                              – Jeanetta Girard, "refudiating" the notion that the election of
                                                 a black President means that we have a "post-racist" society

"Never be ashamed to let people know who you are.''
                                                                                    – Anonymous

In what context did veteran newscaster and commentator Ted Koppel
pose this provocative question?  Give it a listen, and give us an answer.
First to get it right gets a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines.

Arthur Bremer, 60
Leslie Van Houten, 61
Amy Fisher, 36

Two young women bared their breasts to commit a robbery at an ATM in Paris.  .  .  .  Doctors ascribing deaths to heat stroke in Moscow were told to use  diagnoses  that  "sound less frightening." .  .  . Beef producers were testing methods of cloning dead cattle from good cuts  of  meat. . . . Anoth- er Mississippi high school lesbian,  in  another  county,  was excluded from the high school yearbook  for wearing a tux- edo in her senior picture (she has sued).  .  .  .  A Saukville, Wisconsin, Piggly Wiggly customer was ticketed  for  cuss- ing out a woman with 37 items in the10-items-or-fewer ex- press lane. . . .  Dr. Laura was fired for saying "nigger, nig- ger, nigger" repeatedly on her radio show,  and  her  spon- sors denied being her sponsors. . . .  A Saudi judge sought a  hospital  to paralyze a defendant who had paralyzed an- other man in a fight. .  .  . Janis  Fullilove,  a member of the city  council  of  Memphis,  Tennessee,  performed  a pole dance on a Mississippi River boat cruise  for  the  National Black Caucus of Local Elected Officials. . . . Levi Johnston announced his candidacy for mayor of Wasilla.  . . .  A pro- fessor of English was evicted by the police from a Starbucks in Manhattan for yelling her refusal to say "without butter or cheese" when she ordered a bagel. . . . Best Buy sent the St. Francis, Wisconsin, "God Squad" a "cease and desist" letter over a logo similar to the Geek Squad's. [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 8/8/2010 @10:42 EDT:

After your meeting at the African Methodist Episcopal Presbyterian
Church of Christ of  Primitive Latter Day Friends and Saints  (Bap-
tist, United Missionary),  you might be welcome the following week
in Knoxville,  Tennessee,  at the Overcoming Believers Church.  In
fact,  please  check it out.  We drove by only,  and I've been wildly
curious about it ever since. 

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/8/2010 @08:01 PDT:

Why didn't the Weekly World News feature on "Weirdest People
Alive" include Natty Bumppo?

Len wrote Sun 8/8/2010 @18:48 EDT:

I've always referred to what Mr. Yates called "anal cranial syndrome"
as "cranial-rectal inversion syndrome."  I agree that it is an epidemic.

Observers of this syndrome have been known to remark, "I'd like to
see things from your perspective,  but I can't get my head that far up
my ass."

"jaelky" wrote Sun 8/8/2010 @10:00:39 EDT:

Any health professional can tell you that the proper nomenclature is "R-
CIS," for "rectal-cranial inversion syndrome."  They even have a socie-
ty for it.  [Click it!  Great photo!  – Ed.]

This diagnosis was well known  long before anyone ever thought of the
DSM I, II, III, IV or V.  Possibly known even before writing and num-
bers were invented.

Other pre-DSM terminology frequently used by "True, Qualified, Seas-
oned Health Care Professionals™"* to refer to their patients include:

FLK-FLP ("funny looking kid, funny looking parents");
PITA ("pain in the ass" – an admitting diagnosis to alert the nurses);
CTD ("circling the drain" – for very-soon expectant terminal 'no code' patients);
DIB  ("dead in bed" – for recently discovered deceased patients);
FORD ("found on road drunk");
PFO ("pissed and fell over" – sometimes complicated by FORD);
FTF ("failure to fly" – a failed suicide attempt from an inadequately tall structure);
FTD ("fixin' to die" – Granny taking last gasps);
LTBB ("lucky to be breathing" – failed overdoses post-gastric lavage and Naltrexone administration);
WADAO ("weak and dizzy all over" – the most common ER complaint on Saturday night);
CNS-QNS ("central nervous system, quantity not sufficient" – to refer to stupid patients);
PPP ("piss poor protoplasm" – see above);
GOMER ("Get out of my E.R." – directed toward annoying repeat admission offenders (see "drug seeking sociopath");
YOYOMF ("You're on your own, Mother-Fucker" - for those discharged against medical advice);
TSTL ("too stupid to live");
FOS ("full of shit" – i.e., constipation);
FOL ("full of liquor");
ADASTW ("arrived dead and stayed that way" - a more colorful term for DOA);
WOFTAM ("waste of fucking time and money");
FITH ("fucked in the head");
TFBUNDY ("totally fucked but unfortunately not dead yet");
TMB ("too many birthdays"); and, last,
DBI ("dirt bag index" – number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath).

*You are NOT a "True, Qualified, Seasoned Health Care Professional™" unless you have used emesis basins or specimen cups for food items – new, not used, that is.

Those  are  medical.  Here are some more new diagnoses for the DSM V – "fraudian" analyses
of Hollywood bimbos that appeared in "The Buzz," by Tamara Ikenberg, in the Louisville Cour-
ier-Journal on July 23, 2004 (and quoted in the July 25, 2004, issue of Tabloid Headlines – Ed.):

• Sylvia Plathological (diagnosis of Courtney Love)
• PBSD – post baby-star disorder (diagnosis of Mary-Kate Olsen)
• Altar egoism (diagnosis of J-Lo, of course)
• Britzophrenia (gee, wonder whom that applies to?)
  

An Indianapolis policeman  honored four straight years by Mothers
Against Drunk Driving was charged  with  reckless  homicide  after
blowing  0.19  on the Breathalyzer in the traffic death of a motorcy-
clist.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

An investigation prompted by the sight of one dog eating another re-
sulted in the removal of 111 dogs from a home in Casey County and
the finding of a dozen dead dogs in the freezer. . . .

Rand  Paul,  Republican  nominee  for United States senator,  hired a
press secretary.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Tabloid Headlines' garbage collection has been taken over by "Waste
Collections of KY Inc." (of Dallas, Texas).

                                                            [courtesy our latest invoice]

"I hear these people on the professional left saying President Obama is
 like George Bush.  These people ought to be drug tested."
                                                                                            – Robert Gibbs

"Without failure, there's no success.''
                                                            – Dina Lohan (Lindsay's mother)

Offerings at the new Pop-Tart World on Times Square in New
York include pop-tart sushi. .  .  .  Nineteen young Muslim men
got 30 lashes apiece in Sudan for cross-dressing  and  "dancing
in a womanly fashion."  . . .  A 100-square-mile sheet of ice fell
off Greenland  as renewed climate change talks  failed  in  Bonn.
. . .  The  Cadillac  Escalade  was the most stolen vehicle for the
eighth straight year. . . .Rudolph Giuliani's daughter was arrested
for shoplifting. .  .  .  Bill Cosby denied being dead, for the fourth
time. .  .  . The  pastor of God's Kingdom Builders Church of Je-
sus Christ  was charged with picketing without a permit  in  front
of a high school  in  Macon,  Georgia,  that calls its athletic teams
the Demons. . . . A woman in Cleveland, Ohio, discovered wed-
ding photos of her husband and his mistress  on  Facebook;  and
in Eau Claire,Wisconsin, a man pleaded guilty to bigamy after his
wife found his first (and yet) wife on Facebook.  . . .  A 19-year-
old mother in Keystone Heights,  Florida,  was arrested for pos-
session of drug paraphernalia  after posting a picture of her baby
with a bong on Facebook. . . .  A yellow line was painted over a
squashed hedgehog on a highway in Hartlepool, England.  . . .  A
woman being arrested for disorderly conduct in Eaton, Ohio,  di-
aled 911 to complain. . . . Stephen Strasburg was knocked out in
the  fifth inning  as baseball's Florida Marlins beat the Washington
Nationals 8-2. . . .  A 34-year-old South Dakota man died dona-
ting part of his liver to his brother (the brother survived). . . . Hair-
tech International Inc. sued Paris Hilton for $35 million for wearing
another company's hair extensions.

    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Terry Crow wrote Mon 8/2/2010 @14:34 PDT re the band that aborted
a concert in St. Louis when a pigeon shat in the bass player's mouth:

At last a definitive statement on the music of the Kings of Leon.  That
pigeon  is  my  hero.  The group probably went to the McDonald's in
Kentucky after they left the concert.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 8/1/2010 @10:17 PDT re submissions for the new
DSMV:

"Anal cranial syndrome" may be so widespread as to qualify as an epidemic.

The Indiana State Police have gone to Facebook and Twitter. . . .

This year's State Fair theme is "Year of Pigs."

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Promoters of the annual political gabfest at Fancy Farm in western Ken-
tucky have promised to use loud Bluegrass music this year to drown out
windbags and hecklers. . . .

A long-legged blonde slut was found  guilty  of  extortion  for demanding
millions of dollars from University of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pi-
tino to cover up a one-nighter that occurred seven years ago. . . .

An AM radio talk show hostess in Louisville apologized for calling Pres-
ident Obama a "half-breed." . . . .

Seven  black  bears  have been killed by motor vehicles on eastern Ken-
tucky roads this summer.
                                                                                     [courtesy  AP]

"Most schools in England require school uniforms with boys wearing
 pants, white shirts and ties and sweaters with the school logo  on  it.
 The same thing goes for the girls, except they wear skirts."

[from a "Back to School" brochure found at a KFC in Bowling Green]

"Superman's in trouble."
                                        – Jeanetta Girard, on the disappearance of telephone booths

"Nuristan is about as far out as you can get.''
                                                                       – Quill Lawrence, on National Public Radio

Birthdays:

Garrison Keillor, 68
Peter O'Toole, 78

A man who robbed a Wendy's at gunpoint in Atlanta, Georgia,
telephoned  the  fast food restaurant later  to  complain,  "Next
time there'd better be more than $586." . . . A man was arrest-
ed in Waterloo,  Iowa,  for blasting an  air  horn  to drown out
"hippie tunes" coming from a house across the street. .  .  .  An
18-year-old cited for blasting loud music from his Jeep in Indi-
an Shores,  Florida,  found the policeman's home  and  blasted
his sounds from a vacant lot next door. .  .  .  An angry clerk in
suburban  Minneapolis,  Minnesota,  chased a family out of his
convenience store with  a  baseball  bat  when they asked for a
faucet to fill their water bottle. .  .  . A rugby player who took a
hard hit in a championship game in northwest Victoria,  Austra-
lia,  stormed off the field,  went to his car,  and returned with a
knife. . . . A 67-year-old man in Randolph, New Jersey, killed
his family's 20-year-old African gray parrot with  a  pellet  gun
because it wouldn't quit squawking during a NASCAR race....
A Chatsworth,  Georgia,  man threw his dog out of his moving
pickup truck after the dog ate his chicken dinner. . . .  A custo-
mer  threw a 2½-foot rat snake through the drive-through win-
dow at Taco John's in Williston, North Dakota. . . . Fred Ship-
ley  grabbed co-resident Howard Soesman by the neck  when
Soesman cut in front of him in line waiting for an elevator at an
"assisted living" facility in Dade City, Florida (arrested, Shipley
told police his only regret was "not killing him"). . . .  A worker
"went postal" at a beer warehouse in Manchester, Connecticut,
killing eight other employees and himself.  .  .  .  Charlie  Sheen
was sentenced to 36 hours of  "anger management"  counseling
in his Colorado domestic abuse case.

A woman was arrested in suburban Cincinnati, Ohio, for dialing
911 for a date. . . . A man in St. Augustine, Florida, dialed 911
for a ride to a liquor store  (he, too, was arrested). . . . Winston
Churchill's dentures brought only $24,000 at auction (i.e., $11,-
000 less than Roy Rogers' taxidermied dog, Bullet).  .  .  . Anna
Chapman sang  patriotic songs with Vladimir Putin upon her ar-
rival in Moscow. . . . A Gulf Breeze, Florida,  man,  back home
from a weekend in Louisiana,  where he had met  "evil  people,"
stabbed and skinned his father's dachshund-chihuahua, which he
believed to be possessed by the devil. . . . A newborn whimper-
ed in her tiny closed casket in Tulancingo, Mexico, and she was
discovered alive at her wake.  .  .  .  A dead man got a  parking
ticket  in Seattle. .  .  . Bristol Palin called off her engagement to
Levi Johnston (again).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett

• Sheriff Joe abducted
• Other politicians flee to New Mexico
  
• Judge rescinds restraining order
  

• Rachel Uchtel

                                                           [courtesy National Enquirer]

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 7/25/2010 @12:21 CDT:

I suffer from most of the typolar disorders reported
by your previous correspondence.   My worst typo
involves  "country,"  as in "country music,"  which  I
use a lot.  Invariably I miss the "o" in "country."  Of
course, you can't print this. . . .

Ben Hibben wrote Sun 25 Jul 2010 @04:41:54 EDT:

A DVD rewinder?  There are people who'd buy it –
and some of them would even use it!

DSM V submissions:

Another submission for a psychiatric or personality disorder to
be included in the upcoming new edition  of the psychoreunies'
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual:

"Anal cranial syndrome": Having your head stuck up your
 ass.
                                       – submitted by Stephen Yates

Pizza-n-Paradise is one of seven restaurants in the small town of
Brownsville (including two convenience stores with booths or ta-
bles and a sidewalk hamburger stand with concrete picnic tables).
"Paradise Pizza"  is something we might understand,  with a bit of
skepticism;  and  "Pizza Paradise"  would be quite a stretch albeit
commercially acceptable.  But, "Pizza-n-Paradise"? What does
the "n" stand for?   If it means "and," it creates an ungainly combi-
nation, to say the least.  If it means "in,"  it's sacrilegious.   Maybe
it stands for "NOT."
                                                  [a Tabloid Headlines editorial]

Seven head of cattle that escaped from a crashed semitrailer stopped
traffic on I-94 east of Gary.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A new state securities regulation  prohibits  an  investment  counselor's
use of a professional title with the word "senior," "retirement" or "elder"
in conjunction with "specialist," "adviser" or "consultant."

                                                              [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

"They're dumber than shit over there."
                                                              – liquor store clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, upon learn-
                                                                 ing that a new law requires liquor stores in Indiana to
                                                                 "card" everyone, regardless of age or appearance

"You mean, like a search engine on paper?''

                    – adolescent clerk at a Best Buy in northern Kentucky when a shopper, looking
                       for a dictionary of computer terms, had to explain to him what a dictionary is

Dumb names from major league baseball:

If these guys are going to be paid millions of dollars a year to serve as
role models for our children, don't you think their contracts should re-
quire their mothers to spell their names correctly?

Jhonny Peralta, Detroit Tigers
Andruw Jones, Chicago White Sox
Domonic Brown, Philadelphia Phillies
Jayson Werth, Philadelphia Phillies
Derrek Lee, Chicago Cubs

Submit your own favorites.  (Made-up names, like Chorye Spoone,
don't count.  Or was she trying to say "Corey"?)

J. K. Rowling, 45
Kate Bush, 56
Nancy Lopez, 58
Evonne Goolagong, 59

1925 - Doc Pomus, rocker
1931 - Ramblin' Jack Elliott, rocker
1933 - Nick Reynolds (of the Kingston Trio), rocker
1936 - Buddy Guy, rocker
1936 - Bonnie Brown (of Jim Edd, Maxine & Bonnie, the Browns), rocker
1943 - Roy Acuff Jr, rocker

Only one death was reported at the Bonaroo music festival in
Tennessee this year  (but a security guard died at the Country
Music Association festival in Nashville,  and 18  people  were
killed in a stampede in a tunnel leading to an arena at the Love
Parade music festival in Duisburg, Germany).  .  .  .  The band
Kings of Leon abandoned the stage three songs into a concert
in St. Louis after a pigeon shat in the bass player's mouth.  . . .
A 26-year-old man in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, complained to
police that his 52-year-old mother had  cleaned  the  bathroom
with his toothbrush. . . . A Dutch court lifted a guardianship or-
der that had thwarted a 13-year-old girl's plan  to  sail  solo  a-
round the world (she's 14 now). . . . A black bear kidnapped a
Teddy bear from a  home in Laconia,New Hampshire. . . . Bull
fighting was outlawed in Catalonia.  .  .  .  A marriage counselor
was stabbed to death by her husband in Cleveland, Ohio. . . . A
woman fleeing police in Cincinnati, Ohio,  was arrested after she
stopped for a red light.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]