Blenster wrote Sun 12/19/2010 @10:35 EST  to correctly identify SIUE  as
Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville (we were afraid someone would).
He gets a free lifetime subscription to Tabloid Headlines (and Henry Veleno-
si, who wrote @09:36 PST –12:36 EST – gets an E for effort – and Evans-
ton).


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 12/19/2010 @10:25 PST (that's 13:25 EST):

SIUE = Southern Illinois University Edwardsville.  Everybody knows
that. <sigh> When does my free subscription begin?

Sorry, Bruce; second, no cigar.  But you can keep the free subscription you
already have. – Ed.


Stephen Yates wrote Mon 12/20/2010 @02:09 CST:

SOUTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY EdwardsvillE.

We get the feeling some of our entrants are using Google.  That's not very im-
aginative.  How many of you ever heard of  SIU  Edwardsville  before?  SIU
Carbondale,  yeah (est.1869, the "Salukis"),  but  Edwardsville?  Is the like
of Indiana University to continue to stake its "legendary" basketball reputation
on beating up podunk upstarts like SIU Edwardsville? (est.1957, "a small lib-
eral arts college" by its own tout).  – Ed.


Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 12/19/2010 @11:34 EST:

Such an exceptionally fine issue of Tabloid News deserves an extensive
response.   It must have been a banner week for interesting contentions.
To quote the great philosopher Ed Grimley, “I really must say” . . .

• Osama and Kim Jong Il – If ever two lovers deserved one another . . . .
• Oregon will allow students to use computer "spell check" on writing tests.  –  This is a blessing for English teachers, believe me.  These days, you gotta pick yer battles.  (At least "spell check" doesn't recognize textspeak yet.)
• Dog park converts poop to energy.   –  This is, I hope, entirely true!  Florida dairy farmers are working on an initiative to capture and utilize the methane gas from cow poop (40# per cow per day!) and keep it out of the Kissimmee River, Lake Okechobee, and the Everglades.  Dog poop, however, is so contaminated from pet food additives that it’s probably radioactive or worse.
• William Lewis appears to be the ultimate skeptic.  Despite the “unexpected” ice throughout his neighborhood, he defies all logic by venturing out to de-ice his ride shirtless!  Was he figuring on a quick thaw before he began to scrape?

Actually, William Lewis was not entirely shirtless:  He was wearing a "wife beater"
under that wine-colored bathrobe (or was that an overcoat?).  The photo was not
real  clear:  We could not find it on line;  we had to  scan  it  from the newspaper's
print edition.   Our suspicion is that Mr. Lewis's lawyer called the newspaper after
the print edition hit the streets.   – Ed.

Indiana 111, a nine-mile two-lane country road linking New Al-
bany (and Louisville) with the Horseshoe Casino (formerly Cae-
sar's), has been the scene of 3,000 collisions, including seven fa-
talities, since 2003.
                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The  Ellettsville  man  accused of antisemitic vandalism at Indiana
University turns out to have been an I.U. employee   – a scholar-
ship coordinator at Hutton Honors College  (he's been fired).

                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

Marshall County Deputy Sheriff Jason Ivey told WPSD-TV in Pa-
ducah it will be hard to prove  that motorists have violated the new
law against "texting" while driving.
                                                                    [courtesy AP (duh!)]

University of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino has been cho-
sen to coach the Puerto Rico national team, and University of Ken-
tucky  coach  John Calipari  is being considered for the Dominican
Republic national team. . . .

                                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"You've got to stop this war in Afghanistan."
                                                                        – Richard Holbrooke, on his deathbed

"I love people.  I love gays."
                                              – David Bahati, who introduced a bill in the Ugan-
                                                 da Parliament that would impose a life sentence
                                                 for the lewd touching of another of the same sex
                                                 and death for serial consenting homosexuality

"Fuck off, pig, I'm a lawyer; I got 94 in my UAI, and I'm sorry you are so inferior."

                                                – lady law student  Morgan  Elderfield,  while being ar-
                                                   rested for intoxication at a hotel in Wollongong, New
                                                   New South Wales, Australia (her defense didn't work)

"Heavy snows across western Europe has left airports closed and drivers frustrated."

                                                                              – Giles Snyder, National Public Radio

Ricky Martin, 39
Hamid Karzai, 53
Jeff Sessions, 64
Mary Higgins Clark, 83

Amy Grant, 50
Karl Rove, 60
Sissy Space Chick, 61
Barbara Mandrell, 62
Merry Clayton, 62
Jimmy Buffett, 64
Kitty Kallen, 88
Pete Rugolo, 95
Tony Martin, 98
What's-his-name, 2,010 (give or take four years)

David Sedaris, 54
Alan Parsons, 62
Carlton Fisk, 63
Bob Barker, 87

Harry Reid tweeted Lady Gaga. . . .  Dozens of foreign res-
idents of Beijing dressed as Santa Claus  were ejected from
Tiananmen Square.  . . . The Betty Ford Center fired an em-
ployee for breach of confidence over her claim to have been
assaulted by Lindsay Lohan. . . . A Scottish electrician,  in a
feud with a neighbor who hired him, drilled a hole in her wall,
stuck in a hose, and flooded her house.

    

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

The basketball: WNBA and former University of Connecticut star Diana Taurasi  failed a dope test in a professional league in Turkey.  .  .  .  LeBron James suggested eliminating some of the weaker NBA teams.

Dear California:     You should not have to burst into tears to get  your fiancé to stop
berating you. And, frankly, any man who would kick your dog across the room should
be  avoided  at  all  costs.  Couples  counseling  could help you work through this,  but
please think twice before committing to this man.

Dear California:  All I can say is "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger."  Girl friend,  you
need a new attitude.  You can't be that desperate to still want to marry some guy when
you're having all these red flag issues in  yo  face  already to the point where you're out
here asking for a stranger's advice about it??? Helloooo?? You need to click you some
ruby slippers and head back to Kansas,  and take Toto, too, so he won't get kicked a-
cross the room for yelping!!!  – Robert Atkinson

Dear California:  Next time your man starts yapping,  kick his balls across the room.
                                                                                                        – Stephen Yates
Dear California:  Man up, bitch! – Connie Harbeson

Dear California:  Get rid of the dog.  Nothing else will work. – Bruce Mitchell

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

• 'Friend' of the family
• Real reason she was slain
  

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 12/12/2010 @10:10 PST:

I worked on a couple of sexual harassment and sexual assault cases
against Charlie Sheen, so can verify that he is indeed rather nasty —
and violent as well.

A 54-year-old man from Ellettsville, Mark Zacharias, was accused of
the recent antisemitic vandalism at Indiana University. . . .

Ninety motor vehicle crashes and seventy "slide-offs" were reported in
the highway snows of LaPorte and Porter counties in northern Indiana.

                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

State police used a $16,400 federal grant for more than 9,000 decks of
playing cards featuring 52 unsolved criminal cases.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

The Louisville Ballet denied refunds for tickets purchased for the Nut-
cracker before the Louisville Orchestra went into bankruptcy (leaving
the ballet to be danced to recorded music).

                                                              [courtesy Courier-Journal]

School closing report (weather ticker):

• Adair County – closed . . .
• Barren County – closed . . .
• Bowling Green – open . . .
• Christian Academy – one-hour delay . . .
• Daviess County – closed . . .
• Edmonson County – closed . . .
• Glasgow – open . . .
  
• Logan County – driver discretion . . .
• Muhlenberg County – closed . . .
• Ohio County – one-hour delay . . .
• Warren County – closed . . .

                                [courtesy WBKO-TV, Bowling Green]

"It just started out as a tasteless joke.  I make a lot of tasteless jokes.  That's my
 brand of humor."
                                          – Radcliff, Ky., barber C. J. Wiley, a/k/a C Jizzle,
                                                   who set Twitter afire with a false tweet
                                                    that actor Morgan Freeman had died

Miley Cyrus was videoed smoking a bong. . . . A camel fell in-
to the audience at a Christmas pageant rehearsal in West Palm
Beach, Florida.  . . .  An inmate at California's Orange County
Jail avoided salami and got kosher meals by citing the Seinfeld
holiday Festivus for a religion. . . . A 52-year-old postman de-
livered the mail in the nude  to a woman at her office in White-
fish Bay, Wisconsin. . . . A destruction worker was killed by a
refrigerator thrown from a balcony by co-workers  in Milwau-
kee, Wisconsin. . . .  A Pennsylvania woman erroneously dun-
ned by Capital One Bank for $286,651,237, on a credit card,
sued Capital One for $286,651,237.  .  .  .  Oregon will allow
students to use computer "spell check" on writing tests. . . .  A
sixth grade teacher in North Fond du Lac,Wisconsin, who told
a pupil, in class, that she would shoot him or hit him "upside the
head" with a book, was allowed to return to her job after an un-
paid 8-day leave. . . . A security camera caught a Salvation Ar-
my bell ringer using tweezers to lift money from the red kettle in
Eagan, Minnesota. . . .A skunk sprayed $16,000 worth of toys
collected for poor children in Purcell, Oklahoma.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Indiana beat SIUE in college basketball  (a free subscription to
Tabloid Headlines to the first reader to identify  "SIUE").  .  .  .
The Big Ten (now 12) announced that its college football teams
would compete in two divisions: "Leaders" and "Legends"  (In-
diana protested that it might not qualify for either).

Dear Annie:  "Bruce" and I have known each other for six years,  although
we started dating only a few months ago.  We plan to marry next year.  The
problem  is,  he always has to contradict what I say, and makes it seem like
I'm  never  right.   He also doesn't like my dog.   He says if it starts yapping,
he's going to kick it across the room. . . . I get so upset that I cry. . . .

                                                                                — Hurt in California

Dear California:  . . .

    [This is your part.  Tell this bimbo what to do!   Write your own answer to
     "Hurt in California" and send it to Tabloid Headlines. We'll print the colum-
     nists' advice along with yours.]

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

                Place of birth 'negotiable'

• Dr. Phil:  NASTY
• Angela Lansbury:  NICE
• Angelina Jolie:  NASTY
• George Clooney:  NICE
• Donald Trump:  NASTY  'You're fired!' and he MEANS it
  
• Garth Brooks:  NICE
  
• Madonna:  NASTY  a string of cuss words . . .
  
• Tom Hanks:  NICE
• Charlie Sheen:  NASTY  Don't ask his wife . . .
  
• Sally Field:  NICE  Co-workers REALLY like her . . .
  
• Barbara Walters:  NASTY
• Vanna White:  NICE
• Whitney Houston:  NASTY  Her middle name is Diva
  
• Laura Bush:  NICE
• Whoopi Goldberg:  NASTY  Don't touch her!
  
• Reba McEntire:  NICE
• Larry King:  NASTY  Deadbeat (ask his friends)
  
• Regis Philbin:  NICE  Generous
  
• The Kardashians:  NASTY  Spoiled brats
  

In the last three weeks rocks have been thrown through windows at
two Jewish student centers at Indiana University in Bloomington and
a church where a Jewish group meets, Hebrew books have been uri-
nated on at I.U.'s Wells Library, a rock has been thrown at a display
case  for a Jewish studies program,  and swastikas have been drawn
on a bulletin board in a student dormitory.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A couple on trial for murder of their baby girl in northern Kentucky blamed
their 2-year-old son for the crime.
                                                                                          [courtesy A P]


Curious memo to staff seen by our roving reporter beside the lab receptionist's
desk at the hospital in Leitchfield:
                                                            ATTENTION:
   
                                                                THE MNEMONIC
                                                            CHLAM-GC&CHLAM
                                                                REPLACES THE
                                                                    MNEMONIC
                                                               GEN-GC&CHLAM


And a Tabloid Headlines photo:

"The novelty is starting to wear off."
                                                            – barmaid Katie Underwood, on the ninth day of
                                                               being one of seven persons stranded at a pub in
                                                               North Yorks, England, by a 16-foot snowfall

"After a 16-hour day, there's room for error."
                                                                        – Valerie Vazquez, New York City election
                                                                           official, apologizing for counting 195,00
                                                                           more votes in November than were cast

"I'm not doing this as a political stunt.  I'm doing this because I'm a cheap bastard."

                                                – freshman Congressman-elect Todd Rokita,  of Avon, Indi-
                                                   ana, explaining why he would reside in his Washington of-
                                                   fice after being shown a $2,000-a-month studio apartment

"A person is guilty of reckless driving who fails to stop, when approaching from any direction,
 any school bus which is stopped on any highway, private road or school driveway . . . ."

                                                      – a Virginia statute intended to prohibit passing a stopped
                                                         school bus but instead mandating stopping a stopped bus
                                                         (a motorist who passed one recently was found not guilty)

"The upper Midwest could be in for a lot of snow this weekend.  A stretch from just west of
 Minnesota's Twin Cities into western Wisconsin is expected to get the most."

                                                                                     – Giles Snyder, National Public Radio

That's quite a stretch, huh? – Editor

"Y'all can kiss my lily-white southern Louisiana . . . ."
                                                                                         – Britney Spears, on Twitter

"We will work to narrow the gaps, asking tough questions and expecting substantive answers.
 And, in the context of our private conversations with the parties, we will offer our own ideas
 and bridging proposals when appropriate."
                                                                                          – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

Gina Miele, 17
Giulia Boverio, 20
Murugan Thiruchelvam, 22
Natalia Gordienko, 23
Tracy Austin, 48
Brenda Lee, 66
Tom Hayden, 71
Connie Francis, 72

Julian Assange's mother, Christine,  an Australian puppeteer,
went into hiding. .  .  . An 85-year-old man spent a month in
jail in Des Moines, Iowa – including his birthday and Thanks-
giving – for indecent exposure for picking up his morning pa-
per while wearing nothing but his socks. .  .  . A woman was
arrested  in  Sheboygan,  Wisconsin,  after biting off her hus-
band's tongue in a good night kiss  and  throwing  coffee  on
paramedics when they arrived. . . .  A 19-year-old man was
arrrested  in Muskego, Wisconsin,  after texting the 10-year-
old  grandson  of  a  state  trooper,  "You want to buy some
hash?" (oops, wrong number). . . . The University of Cincin-
nati Bearcats mascot was arrested after starting  a  snowball
fight with fans in the stands at a football game. . . .A cat with
a microchip,  missing since Hurricane Katrina,  was returned
to his family in Gulfport,  Mississippi. . . . A woman climbed
a tree to escape a herd  of  wild  boars  in southwest France
and had to be rescued by a helicopter. .  .  .  A technician in
Lackawanna County, Pennsylvania, found nude photos of a
woman in her e-mail,  posted them to her  Facebook  page,
and changed her password. . . . The roof of the Metrodome
in Minneapolis collapsed under heavy snow. . . .A part-time
accounting teacher at a college in Kennesaw, Georgia, took
off his clothes in class.  . . .  A 20-year veteran Santa Claus
was fired from Macy's in San Francisco  for  telling an adult
couple the reason Santa is  so  jolly  is that he knows where
all the naughty little boys and girls live.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

New musician list on line

•  Da-Vida Goliath
  
•  Buttermilk Nervosa
•  Turtles Revival
  

Marcia Slatkin wrote Sun 11/28/2010 @12:33 EST: We are a nation of  teen-agers  –  gutsy, zany, violent, absurd.

Connie Harbeson wrote Mon 11/29/2010 @08:10 EST
re meth labs and 1-800-DOPE-TIP:

In eastern Tennessee, where meth use has been overshadowed by the use of
prescription painkillers, the new addicts are known as "pillbillies."

People spent the night on the floor of a Meijer store in Carmel for an Amer-
ica by Heart book signing by Sarah Palin the next day  (and  in  Cincinnati,
Ohio,  fans camped outside a Kroger store in snow and 20-degree temper-
atures for as long as 17½ hours).
                                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

The Louisville Ballet made plans to perform this Christmas' Nutcracker to re-
corded music as the management of the Louisville Orchestra filed a petition in
bankruptcy. . . .

A 78-year-old Louisville lawyer who was the designated payee for 96 Social
Security beneficiaries died, leaving the beneficiaries without their checks.

                                                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]

The victim's grandmother and stepgrandfather were charged with murder in the
meth overdose death of an 11-month-old girl in central Kentucky  (the mother,
who had left the child with the grandparents,  was charged with wanton endan-
germent). . . .

The firefighters union president in Winchester was reprimanded for  refusing  to
work three consecutive 24-hour shifts.
                                                                                                [courtesy AP]

"There's a book for that."
                                            – Jeanetta Girard

Dick Clark, 81
Andy Williams, 80 (or 83 or 82 or 78)
Jean-Luc Godard, 80
Jaye P. Morgan, 79
Little Richard, 78
Charlie Batch, 36

A young man whose saggy pants exposed his  red  underwear
was arrested at 5:10 a.m. Black Friday at a store in Memphis,
Tennessee. . . .  A woman and her pickup truck were rescued
from a treetop  30 feet above ground,  25 miles north of Pitts-
burgh, Pennsylvania. . . . A British pensioner lost about $125,-
000, his life savings,  when he drove away with the money in a
bag on the roof of his car. .  .  . Willie Nelson was arrested by
the Border Patrol in west Texas for possession of 6 ounces of
marijuana.  . . . The Defense Advanced Research Projects A-
gency was studying a breed of flying Asian snakes. . . . A Mil-
waukee,  Wisconsin,  man killed a woman for taking a call on
her cell phone while they were having sex. . . . A motor scoo-
ter operator was killed in  a  collision  with a motorized wheel
chair in St. Petersburg,  Florida. .  .  . A 2½-year-old girl was
tossed to her death by her grandmother off a third-floor walk-
way at a mall in McLean, Virginia. . . . The Vatican was look-
ing for a solar-powered electric Popemobile. .  .  . A German
was accused of mailing more than  500 tarantulas  to Los An-
geles. . . .Chuck Norris was made an honorary Texas Ranger.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]