November 28, 2010:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun- ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines (this week's issue brought to you by Lepidopteresta,  which will help you sleep – and, it's not a drug!  It's a pillow stuffed with the fluffy wings of luna moths):

Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 11/22/2010 @16:51 PST:

Geez, already there's an invasion of alligator-eating monster pythons in the
Everglades. Now croc-eating piranhas are invading as well?!

We don't know that the crocodile-eating devil fish have developed a taste for alliga-
tor. We haven't tried either, ourselves; but we've heard there is a comparison some-
what like beef to horse meat. – Ed.

Police used a stun gun on a man waterboarding a 22-month-old child
at his former girl friend's house in Princeton.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

By the end of October the state had already set a record for metham-
phetamine labs discovered in a year,  919,  surpassing 2009's 741 (if
you know of another, you can call 1-800-DOPE-TIP).

                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"When are we going to start awarding the Medal of Honor once again for soldiers
 who kill people and break things, so our families can sleep safely at night?"
 
                                                                – Bryan Fischer, syndicated Christian columnist,
                                                                   who complained that the medal has been "femi-
                                                                   nized" by its award to rescuers instead of killers


"If Elton John and Madonna had a baby, it would be Lady Gaga."
                                                                                                          – Jon Bon Jovi

"Haha your so gay.  What I've seen pictures of,
 your disgusting . . . stfu. Your such a faggot."
                                                                             – Willow Palin, on Facebook, to a "friend"
                                                                                who criticized Sarah Palin's new TV show
"My goal is to make sure that, by 2014, we have transitioned."
                                                                                                 – President Obama

An Iraq veteran was expelled from a community college  in
Catonsville, Maryland, for writing an essay about the effect
of war on an infantryman. . . . Researchers found the game
tetris  to help prevent flashbacks  associated with the onset
of post-traumatic stress disorder, calling it a “cognitive vac-
cine." . . . The corpses of nearly two thousand fetuses were
found at a Buddhist temple in Bangkok,  illegally aborted o-
ver the last year and buried in plastic bags. . . .  Dirty Dan-
cing star  Jennifer  Grey,  now 50,  won the latest Dancing
with the Stars competition (Bristol Palin came in third). . . .
A  Black  Friday  shopper threatened to shoot other shop-
pers as she moved to the front of the line at  Toys R Us  in
Madison,  Wisconsin,  Thanksgiving night. .  . . The school
district of Johnson County,  North Carolina,  was requiring
only parental permission for students to carry Chapstick to
school (previously it took a doctor's order). . . . A German
who walled himself into his own basement freed himself  by
drilling through a firewall into his neighbors' basement.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Mohamed Moham- ud.

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Allen County spent $1.25 million cleaning pigeon poop from the lime-
stone exterior of its courthouse in Fort Wayne. . . .

A man fell from a vehicle traveling on I-465 in Indianapolis ad died.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Six city employees were fired by the mayor of Manchester after she lost
her bid for re-election  (they got their jobs back with an immediate fed-
eral lawsuit). . . .

The supervisor of the sex offender treatment center  at  the mental hos-
pital for prisoners in  LaGrange  was arrested for indecent exposure at
a traffic light in Louisville  –  and his lawyer said he was merely dealing
with an extreme case of poison ivy. . . .

In a fight over a tractor being sold, an Anderson County man was forci-
bly shaved and forced to eat his beard.
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

"Don't touch my junk."
                                      – John Tyner

"A millionaire is not a commoner."
                                                         – Jeanetta Girard

"The Earth will end only when God declares it's time to be over.  Man will not
 destroy this Earth. This Earth will not be destroyed by a flood."

                                                         – Rep. John Shimkus (R-Ill.), a candidate for chairman
                                                            of the House Energy and Commerce Committee

Alexis May McCaughey, 13
Brandon James McCaughey, 13
Joel Steven McCaughey, 13
Kelsey Ann McCaughey, 13
Kenneth Robert McCaughey, 13
Natalie Sue McCaughey, 13
Nathaniel Roy McCaughey, 13
Stan Musial, 90

Luxury hotel suites for pilgrims were going for $6,000 a night in Mecca. .  .  .  In Seneca,  South Carolina,  a deputy sheriff tasered a burglar found lying face down, naked, with a mouse in his rectum. .  .  . The FBI announced a $20,000 reward for information on  the  "random"  shootings  of the Pentagon and other military sites. . . . Newsweek was acquired by the Daily Beast. .  .  . A couple in their 30's were charged with riding a motorized Wal-Mart shopping scooter to a strip club  in Hun- tington, West Virginia. . . . Two sixth-grade teachers in North Brookfield,  Texas,  prohibited students from carrying pencils. . . .  The Air Force warned its personnel that their Facebook usage might be tipping the enemy off about their location. . . . . . . Megan Baumann, a social studies teacher at Clinton High School in Tennessee,  got three years in prison for having sex with one male student,  fondling  another,  and  sending  nude photos of herself to others by cell phone.

 
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Dear Alone:  Share your wife's enthusiasm and tell her you wish to sleep over
                      at Suzy's house the next night.  – Keith Durbin

Dear Alone:  If you just go out to a bar, pick up a chick and get laid, you'll get
                      over it in no time.  – Fred Dean

Dear Alone:  Remember what Tommy Toilet says!  Wipe your ass!  – Steve
                      Yates

Police searched a landfill in Southern Indiana for the body of a college
student from Carmel who died having sex with a neighbor in Louisville,
who told police he had continued having sex with the corpse  and then
threw it in a dumpster.

                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Indianapolis Police Department released the transcript of texting be-
tween patrolman David Bisard,  shortly before his squad car plowed in-
to two parked motorcycles August 6,  killing a motoryclist,  and another
officer:

Bisard:  Ha.

Other officer:  Don't show up with ketchup & mustard all over your shirt.

Bisard:  Why not?

Other officer:  It's not tactical.

The National Collegiate Athletic Association refused to let the Universi-
ty of Kentucky play a professional basketball player from Turkey,  who
was paid not merely $33,033 playing basketball in Turkey in the 2008-
2009 season but $33,033 more than his "expenses."

                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"It's tough to deny Justin Bieber his dreams, but it'd probably be best if he
 just stopped."
                               – Jeffrey Lee Puckett, Louisville Courier-Journal

"We've got to begin to turn the tide – and turn it in a different direction."

                                                                                 – new Congressman-elect Jim
                                                                                   Renacci, Republican of Ohio

Mackenzie Phillips, 51
Neil Young, 65
Charles Manson, 76
Boutros Boutros-Ghali, 88
Sargent Shriver, 95

The city council of Castellammare di Stabia, Italy, banned
football games in public parks,  blasphemy  out loud,  and
skimpy clothes. . . . Two years after hiring a waste-dispo-
sal company to search through 12,000 gallons of sewage,
a British woman was reunited with the  diamond  ring  she
had flushed down the toilet. .  .  .  A virgin boa constrictor
gave birth to 22 snakelets. . . . Mr. Goodwrench was laid
off. .  .  . A court petition was filed in Gainesville,  Florida,
seeking restraining orders against President Obama, Jesus
and former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.
. . . A man was arrested for throwing oranges at airplanes
at the municipal airport in Mesa, Arizona. .  .  . A woman
who skipped her bill repeatedly at a restaurant in Gurnee,
Illinois, attacked an investigating policeman with what the
police report termed a "a rigid feminine pleasure device."
. . . Pony-tailed transient Carey Sterling, being sentenced
for theft of a meter reader scooter in Missoula, Montana,
and told by Judge Dusty Deschamps  she'd have to keep
herself under control," replied, "I have a paradigm shift in
my motivation for being in society." . . . A cat napping on
a toaster oven in Port Townsend, Washington, set the kit-
chen on fire by depressing the "on" lever. . . .  Ariel Shar-
on went home from the hospital.  . . .  Aung San Suu Kyi
went out. . . .The mystery missile launch in Southern Cal-
ifornia was dismissed by government and military officials
as a random event.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Dear Annie:  My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for four. We have
a wonderful 11-year-old son.

We got together while we were in high school.  Neither of us ever had many close friends
or much of a social life. But all of a sudden, my wife has become a social butterfly. I hard-
ly see her without her best friend,  "Suzy."   In the past three weeks,  I've had exactly one
meal with my family without Suzy present.

Now my wife wants to stay overnight at Suzy's house. I've told her that I don't mind hav-
ing Suzy around occasionally, but not all the time, and I don't agree with this staying over
night business.   I trust my wife,  but she should sleep at home.  Every time I mention my
feelings,  she gets angry and says I'm jealous and don't want her to have any friends,  or
she closes up tight and won't speak to me for days.

I love my wife, but I married her, not Suzy. I want her to have friends and have fun, but
am I wrong to expect her home at a reasonable hour, and to let me know where she's
going? — Home Alone

Dear Alone:  Married women do not make a habit of sleeping over at a girl friend's
house unless there are problems in the marriage —  and it sounds as if there may be.
Couples that get together in high school can sometimes feel they've missed out,  and
Suzy appears to provide excitement.  Your wife owes you complete honesty.  Insist
on it.

Dear Alone:  Your wife has become a lesbian.  Live with it.

Dear Alone:  Let's all go to Suzy's.

 18.  A health insurance company will brainwash a suicide bomber to attack Congress.

 43.  A swarm of beetles,  electrically modified to be remote-controlled listening devices,
        will escape from a defense lab and interfere with cell phones, radio and the internet.

 52.  Sharks will shatter the Plexiglas windows of a trendy, high tech underwater resort.

 77.  A tsunami will create an inland sea along the San Andreas fault in California.

 82.  Jerry Falwell will step out of the grave to proclaim universal tolerance.

 83.  George W. Bush will announce his new career as a preacher.

 93.  A Northern state will pass a law making school prayer mandatory before standard-
         ized tests.

100.  A televangelist will be struck by lightning while begging God to take vengeance on
         the unjustly wealthy.

• Laura divorce deal
  
• Truth about him and Condi
  

Publius Leget wrote Sun 31 October 2010 @12:53:46 CDT, re last week's item about toilet paper and paper towels without woo- woos:                                   What's a woo-woo?

Editor:  It's the cardboard tube that forms the center of the roll of paper. We  once  investigated this question  thor- oughly.    It was back in the Chicago days

when  everyone was hanging out  at  Ted and Marcia's  apart-
ment in Georgian Court.  That's  where  we played our music,
smoked our dope,  and dropped our LSD.   We had a bong
made of one of those cardboard cylinders, and, in the course
of producing more, wondered what to call that particular part.
No one knew.  We looked it up.  No answer.

Finally we wrote the Scott Paper Company,  in  Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania, asking, "What do you call that cardboard cylin-
inder placed inside a roll of toilet paper?"     And we got a re-
ply!  From  the  vice  president  for  public  relations,  himself.
"Curiously," he wrote,  "it's called the cardboard cylinder that
goes inside a roll of toilet paper.   Thank you for your interest
in our products!   A token of our appreciation is on the way."
And soon, by special delivery by semitrailer, we got a lifetime
supply of paper towels.

But we weren't satisfied; and we were still studying the matter
months later, at Ted and Marcia's, when Marcia's hippie bro-
ther,  Buddy,  came in from Florida.    "Don't you know what
that is?"  he asked.  "That's a woo-woo."

"A 'woo-woo'?" we asked.  "What's the etymology of that?"

"Don't you remember when you were kids?"  Buddy  asked.
"And ran through the house with those things,  blowing   into
them,  yelling through them,  with your hand flapping the far
end,  going,  'Woo, woo!  Woo, woo!'?"

Since that time, Kimberly-Clark, of Dallas, Texas, the man-
facturer that has begun marketing woo-wooless toilet paper
and paper towels, has taken over  the Scott paper brand.

Eight African-Americans attacked eight Asian-Americans on the Indi-
ana University campus in Bloomington,  calling them Chinks,  robbing
them,  and breaking the jaw of one of them.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

You know.

"I really like people who are passionate and confident even if they're completely
 wrong.  Actually,  when they're completely wrong,  I'm more attracted to them
 because I'm so full of doubt.  I'm never certain that I'm right.  And people who
 are so certain of it,  I'm kind of in awe of them.    I don't want them calling me,
 necessarily, but I like to sit behind them in restaurants."
                                                                                             – David Sedaris

"Deutschland über alles."
                                          – Sebastian  Pinera,  President  of  Chile,  in
                                             German President Christian Wulff's guest book

Natalie Cole, 60
Burt Hooton, 60
k. d. lang, 49

Lynette Marie Layton, 39,  was arrested twice in ten days for standing naked at major intersections in Raleigh, North Carolina.  .  .  .  A man waterboarded his girl friend in Lin- coln, Nebraska. . . . The trapped Chilean miners were de- feated by their rescuers in a soccer game, 3-2. . . . A pas- tor in South Africa declared that Jesus was  HIV-positive. ... A 10-year-old girl who went to Spain for welfare gave birth  to  a daughter  (the 13-year-old father stayed home in Romania).  . . .  A Lutheran church called police in Des Peres,  Missouri,  to  help it evict a man dressed as Jesus. .  .  .   A man was accused of sexual abuse of a miniature horse whose tail hair was found tied to a post  in Wilmer, Alabama. . . .A bank robber in Columbus, Ohio, was im- peded by his saggy pants and dropped his loot on his get- away.  .  .  .  A blow-up Barack Obama sex doll was on sale in China.  .  .  .  The "random" shooting through win- dows at the Pentagon was followed by random shootings of a Marine museum near Quantico  and  two military re- cruiting stations in the D.C. area,  including  a Marine re- cruiting station  (and the FBI has asked "the" shooter  to give it a call). [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]