Keith Durbin wrote Sun 10/24/2010 @18:49 CDT: The Texas Rangers won the American League pennant in what Joe Girardi said was a "random event."

Jeanetta wrote Mon 10/25/2010 @10:23 CDT: I didn't burn a Quran, either; and I didn't even plan to burn one.  I should get two new cars.

Len wrote Sun 10/24/2010 @19:52 EDT: I'm curious about the word "commentator."  It seems a bit awkward, and it may be one of those words made up to disguise the inventor's lack of or misuse of vocabulary.  In any case,  I don't like the word; and think that "commentor" or "news analyst"  or some similar word is adequate for a person who delivers editorial comment. Too many syllables – like "orientated."

Good riddance to Juan Williams.  Contrary to Roger Ayles, who wel-
comed him into the Faux News family as  "providing  liberal perspec-
tive,"  Mr. Williams has delivered a distinctly  conservative POV  for
many years – even as an on-air news reader (prior to becoming a re-
porter).   I agree with the termination of his contract if he violated the
terms of the contract (he is not arguing this point) but mainly because
he long ago abandoned his professional objectivity   and  decided  to
flaunt that fact.

NPR may have been losing much of their professional objectivity  in
recent years,  but Faux News has none.  Mr. Williams  is  obviously
welcome there.

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 10/24/2010 @15:31 CDT:

Of all the good things Tabloid Headline has done,  the  editorial  on
Juan Williams is the best.

Don't print my pitture, or pitcher, or picture.

A motorcyclist who crashed on Indiana Highway 135 between Tra-
falgar and Morgantown lay in a ditch unseen for  three  days  before
being  rescued  after a woman checking the water level  in  a  creek
heard his cry for help.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A MoveOn.org volunteer was stomped by bodyguards when she tried to
give a "Republicorp employee of the month" award to Rand Paul prior to
a Senate candidates' debate in Lexington.
                                                                 [courtesy Washington Post]

Carlisle County's school superintendent declined to discipline a high school
principal and an elementary school principal who forwarded an e-mail,  on
school computers,  that said that Muslim women are slaves who are hit by
their husbands and that Muslims are planning an attack on Americans.

                                                                                          [courtesy AP]

Peyton Fouts, a 25-year-old graduate of home schooling and a Christian
academy  in Lexington  (and a graduate of the University of Kentucky  at
age 19), launched OuiBox.com, a web site that will write a term paper or
a legal brief for you  (and, yes, that's Fouts, not Fonts).

                                                       [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"Don't be fooled by the political gains Republicans are expected to make in the midterm
 elections.  The GOP is on the critical list. The wins it will score, possibly enough to give
 it control of the House of Representatives,  will be short lived.  They are the dying gasp
 of a political party that has become too intolerant and too white in a nation whose pop-
 ulation soon will be dominated by Hispanics, blacks and Asians."
                                                                                                     – DeWayne Wickham,
                                                                                                        Gannett News Service

"A brief stop in China is a last-minute add to the itinerary."
                                                                                            – Michele Keleman,
                                                                                               National Public Radio

Jane Pauley, 60
Nanette Fabray, 90

A couple were on trial in Palm Beach Gardens,  Florida,  for
having homeowners association ducks asported to an animal
shelter for euthanasia.  . . .  A man using bolt cutters to open
a cage sprang his dog from the pound in Hydro,  Oklahoma;
but when  he  was  arrested,  the dog was taken back to the
pound and euthanized. . . . A couple found a neighbor's buf-
falo in their swimming pool in Cleveland, Georgia (the neigh-
bors had it euthanized).  . . . Thefts of three horse tails and a
mane (from live horses) were reported in Montana. . . . The
crocodile  survived  the airliner crash in the Congo reported
last week.  . . . Two Lady Gaga concerts were canceled by
the strike in France. . . . Eleven persons, including a 2-year-
old and a 4-month-old,  both in adults' arms,  jumped  from
the third floor of an apartment building in Paris after a naked
African was taken for Satan  (the baby died). . . . An  unem-
ployed Ecuadorean who slept 17 minutes  and  snored at 70
decibels  won Spain's first siesta championship. .  .  .  A man
dialed 911 in Uniontown, Pennsylvania, to complain of being
burned in a marijuana purchase. .  .  . Kimberly-Clark began
marketing toilet paper and paper towels without  woo-woos.
.  .  .  A 3-year-old girl  was engaged to a 5-year-old boy  in
Syria.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 10/17/2010 @08:22 PDT: Why do so many adults get so worked up about youth wearing saggy pants?  Apparently they've forgotten how stupid some of the styles of their own youth looked, and how similarly outraged their parents were.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 10/17/2010 @11:37 PDT: The reason I have not written a letter to the editor recently is that you have been  printing  photos  of your letter writers,  and I don't want my photo in there.

Editor's note:  Mr. Dean did not really write that letter,  and that's not really his pitture.  And
                        if you don't want your pitture in our paper, just tell us.  We'll leave it out.  But
                        do write to us!


J. Ewing wrote Sun 10/17/2010 @19:05 EDT:

Where is my new car?  I didn't burn a Quran either.

An inmate who has filed more than 5,000 lawsuits from death row was
squelched by a federal judge who allowed officials to curtail his hobby
by mail censorship at the federal prison in Lexington (his defendants in-
clude Somali pirates, George W. Bush, and National Football League
coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Michael Vick). . . .

Distribution  of  the  University  of Kentucky  student  newspaper,  the
Kentucky Kernel, was prohibited at  the stadium during football games
on grounds of infringement of an $80 million  contract  giving  a  sports
marketing company exclusive advertising and media rights. . . .

A man survived when his car rolled in Todd County and snapped a u-
tility pole,  but he was electrocuted when he walked into a live power
line the accident had dislodged.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"They were looking for a reason to get rid of me."
                                                                              – Juan Williams

"There are no hard evidence yet."
                                                     – Mara Liasson, National Public Radio

Lynette (Squeaky) Fromme, 62
Chuck Berry, 84

John McCain's daughter Meghan called Christine O'Donnell a
"nut job." . . . The words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out
in strips of bacon outside a mosque in Florence,  South Caro-
lina. . . .  An 8-year-old boy watched in horror as an alligator
ate  a  pet  turtle  the boy had just donated to an aquarium  in
Fort Walton Beach, Florida. . . . Liu Wei, a 23-year-old arm-
less man who plays the piano with his toes, won the first seas-
on of "China's Got Talent." .  .  .  A 20-year-old man walked
out of a store in Gallatin,  Tennessee,  without  paying  for the
jeans he was trying on  – but left his wallet behind in the jeans
he had worn in (they found him; and a TV crew followed him
and a girl friend to dinner at a  Longhorn  Steakhouse,  which
they left without paying). .  .  . A 10-year-old boy called 911
in Buffalo Grove, Illinois, to complain about the dinner his fa-
ther had made. . . . A smuggled crocodile invaded the cock-
pit of a small airliner in the Congo, causing a crash that killed
20 persons.  .  .  . An Austrian who got two prosthetic arms,
one of them robotic,  to replace limbs lost in an accident five
years ago,  and later a driver's license,  was  killed  when  he
drove his car into a tree. .  .  . "Grinding" was prohibited at a
high school homecoming dance in Portland, Maine.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

    Washington (AP) – No one was injured in a predawn incident
in which five to seven shots were fired into  two  windows  of the
Pentagon,  apparently with a high-powered rifle.   "Right now we
consider this a random event,"  police said. . . .

    Atlanta (AP) – The Vice President was assassinated  in  what
police termed a "random event" . . . .

    Grozny (AP) – Russian tanks entered Chechnya in what Uni-
ted Nations observers regarded a "random event" . . . .

    Formerly Minneapolis (AP) – The Twin Cities were destroy-
ed by a nuclear bomb in what police described as a "random e-
vent" . . . .

    Crossroads, Tennessee (AP)  –  The decapitated body of a
woman who had obtained a protective order against  her  hus-
band  was  found hanging upside down from the second-story
deck of their home in what police termed a "random event" ....

In the wake of the firing of Juan Williams by National Public Radio, much discussion has
been had of the terms "reporter," "correspondent," "commentator," "columnist" and "ana-
lyst," and what they mean, and to whom, and where (as, for example, whether in or out-
side the "news room").

A reporter is a person who gathers information – e.g., "Man bites dog on Main Street"
– and brings it back to the publisher  (i.e.,  to the office).  Hence,  the "re" in "reporter."
The information may be broadcast from the "office" or the "news room"  (in print or on
the air) either by the reporter or by someone else (like an "anchor" or a "rewrite man");
but, by whomever, it's "just the facts, ma'am."

A correspondent is one who gathers the information without bringing it back to the of-
fice.  He sends it to the office, by telephone, mail, wire or e-mail.  Hence,  the "s...ent"
in "correspondent."  But,  again,  just the facts, ma'am.  A correspondent is essentially
the same thing as a reporter except for the distance.

A commentator is a person who expresses novel thoughts and even opinions on the
facts  –  e.g.,  "Any man who bites a dog is obviously mad, and probably cruel,  and
ought to be put on a leash."

A columnist is a person who expresses such an opinion in print. Hence, the "column"
in  "columnist."  (The term "commentator" normally is reserved for those who express
their thoughts out loud – like, on the radio or television.  Hence, the "tor" in "commen-
tator" –  cf. "stentorian.")

So,  what is a  news  analyst?  It's something between "reporter" and "commentator."
An  analyst,  either in the press or out loud,  explains the news without actually com-
menting on it.  E.g., "If a dog bites a man, that's not news; it happens all the time.  But
when a man bites a dog, that's an event."

In other words a news analyst is someone who,  like Juan Williams,  belabors the ob-
vious.  Analysts are expendable.  'Bye, Juan.

October 17, 2010: Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –  this week's  headlines  brought to you by Flo and Pro:

• Love triangles
• Boozing
• Gay groping
  

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 10/10/2010 @13:26 EDT:

Such a treat to be so discreetly reminded!   We had a Tommy Toilet poster hanging in our bath- room for years.      It was helpful both for potty training the kids and as a reminder to guests.

Where on earth did we get it?  Was it offered on the back of our un-
derground comics?   Kinda resembles R. Crumb's style.  Thanks for
the headlines, Tommy!

 

And did they throw a parade for the Memphis hero who shot the boy
who refused to pull up his saggy pants?

Last week's graphic, and your erstwhile wall poster,  were  reproductions  from  the back cover of  a  1971  issue  of  Hytone  Comix, drawn by R. Crumb.     A coupon inside the comic  book  (or in another book)  enabled you to order a wall poster, such as you had (and  such  as hung on the wall of the office bathroom  of  Tabloid  Headlines  for many years  –  we do not know what has become of our poster, but we still have the back cov- er of the comic book stapled to the wall, just to the left of the toilet paper roller).

And, no, the Memphis shootist did not get a parade; he got arrested. – Editor

A  shackled  16-year-old  escaped his guards on the third floor of the
Hendricks County Courthouse in Danville, leapt from the balcony and
was fatally injured 30 feet below. . . .

The Bartholomew County Commissioners authorized $8,200 to install
panic buttons in 15 county offices.
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

A Louisville city bus driver who killed a motorcyclist by turning left in
front of him had four previous accidents – with a parked car, a news-
paper box, and two poles (lower case p). . . .

A Louisville policeman was fired for viewing ponography on his cruis-
er's computer  and e-mailing nude photos of himself from the compu-
ter.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A 13-year-old gave birth at a hospital in Bowling Green.  The father is
15.

"I'm going to fly down to Washington – in a plane – and cast votes, not spells."

                                                  – Christine O'Donnell impersonator, on Saturday Night Live

"If that is happening, it shows that there is use of condoms.  I think that is a very positive story."

                                               – Mike Fennell, president of the Commonwealth Games Federation

Michelle Wie, 21
Cliff Richard, 70

Two women in Bennington, Vermont,  were cited for keeping
77 cats in two cars. . . . The editor of Playboy Indonesia was
imprisoned for indecency. . . . A teacher in Denver, Colorad-
o, got high on a "smoothie" her students made in class. . . .  A
Bible burner was cited for field arson in suburban Milwaukee,
Wisconsin. .  .  .  Christine O'Donnell's father admitted that he
is not a certified Bozo the Clown. . . . Lawyers in Tampa, Flo-
rida, argued whether pasting  children's  mug  shots  on naked
adults' bodies  constituted child pornography  (a former grade
school principal was on trial).  .  .  . Keith Richards calls Mick
Jagger  "unbearable"  in an upcoming autobiography. .  .  . Six
hundred teen-agers showed up for  Jeannie and Shlomo's Ex-
cellent Party  at a mansion in Boca Raton, Florida. .  .  .  One
woman  stabbed  another  in an  anger  management  class  at
Bellevue College in Washington.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

The drains in athletes' housing at the Commonwealth Games in
Delhi,  India,  were found to be blocked by  thousands of con-
doms. . . . A Chicago woman sued a tattoo parlor that implant-
ed a large White Sox logo on her thigh backward.  .  .  .  "Ring
Toss the Boss":  A Eugene,  Oregon,  hotel worker alleged in a
harassment suit that the  proprietor masturbated as guests threw
rings and his wife awarded sex toys as prizes. .  .  .  Arlington fi-
nally knocked St. Petersburg out of the American League base-
ball playoffs. . . . Ohio State outscored Wisconsin in the second
half in college football.

The first miner to crawl out of the hole saw his shadow, and now
there'll be six more weeks of winter in the Southern Hemisphere.
. . . The last one forgot to turn out the light,  and had to go back.
.  .  .  No. 10 on David Letterman's list of the  top  ten  thoughts
going through the miners' minds as they rose to the surface  was
"Wheeeee!" . . .  Asked about his experience by a TV reporter,
one Chilean miner remarked,  "Bean  there,  done  that"  (it gets
worse if you want more).

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested  in  intellectual dissection of important current events  are  invited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at the offices  of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville,  Ken- tucky, just after church  every  Sunday.  Guest speak- ers lined up for meetings in the near future include Flo the Progressive Insurance girl, the GEICO gecko and the little piggie that went "Weee!  Weee!  Weee!"  all the way home.

Flo's little sister

Shocking!

Notty Bumbo of San Francisco wrote Sun 10/3/2010 @10:27 PDT: Glad to see you still smackin' 'em down!  It's gotten so that I cannot get through the week without my dose-o- borf.  Keep it coming.

Ed Barce served as Newton County prosecutor the last three years
under  an  "inactive"  law  license,  having  certified that he no longer
practiced law in Indiana  (and  apparently  he won't  any longer;  he
was defeated for re-election in the primary). . . .

Bundles of banknotes were swept up by passers-by when  they  fell
off an armored car in downtown Indianapolis.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

"I'm not a witch."
                            – Christine O'Donnell

Echoes:
                 "I did not have sex with that woman."
                                                                             – Bill Clinton
                 "I am not a crook."
                                                 – Richard Nixon
           

"We are going for a 'hicky' blue collar look."
                                                                       – from a casting call by the National Republican
                                                                         Senatorial Committee for actors in Philadelphia
                                                                         to make a campaign commercial for West Virginia

Birthdays: Annika Sorenstam, 40 Brett Favre, 41 Joy Behar, 68

John Lennon

A man in Memphis, Tennessee, shot a 17-year-old boy in the
butt for refusing to pull up his saggy pants.  . . . Levi Johnston
has a role groping a female singer in a new music video.  .  .  .
Bristol Palin made it to Dancing With the Stars' round of nine.
The President of Bolivia kneed a soccer opponent in the balls.
. . .  A psychiatrist permitted trapped Chilean miners to watch
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.". . . Christine O'Don-
nell was endorsed by her lesbian sister.  . . .  A woman called
911  in  Lebanon,  Missouri,  to report a boy friend  who did
nothing but smoke dope all day. . . .A lawyer in Tupelo, Mis-
sissippi,  was jailed for refusing to recite the Pledge of Allegi-
ance. . . . A 31-year-old woman pleaded guilty in Cincinnati,
Ohio, to posing as a teen-age boy to get dates with teen-age
girls.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Minneapolis was eliminated from the American League baseball
playoffs by losing three games in three.   St. Petersburg avoided
an early exit.

In college football,  Indiana outscored Ohio State in the second
half.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 9/26/2010 @11:02 PDT:

I wonder if the Baptist seminary president who warned of the danger of
yoga to Christianity will host a public burning of yoga instruction books.

Mats, we think. – Ed.

Franchisees nationwide sued KFC (formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken)
to stop "Grill, baby, grill,"  alleging that they have to throw away overly
promoted but unsold grilled chicken every day while losing sales of un-
promoted but still highly popular fried chicken. . . .

Rand Paul, the ophthalmologist who is the Republican nominee for U.S.
Senator,   was found to be a member and supporter of the Association
of Physicians and Surgeons,  which has suggested that  Barack Obama
may have  hypnotized  American voters  (it was founded in 1943 as an
alternative to the American Medical Association). . . .

Paul and Jack Conway,  the Democratic nominee,  will face off on na-
tional TV's Fox News Sunday at 10 a.m. EDT this morning.

                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Thank Heaven for little boys."
                                                  – Socrates  Jones,  high  archbishop  of  the
                                                    Heavenly Opportunity A.M.E. Megachurch

"I've received lots of e-mails in my in-box . . . ."
                                                                            – Mara Liasson, National Public Radio

Ashlee Simpson, 26
Kelly Ripa, 40
Bonnie Parker woulda been 100 (but she died at 24)

The owner of the Segway manufacturer drove his Segway off
a cliff in northern England and died. .  .  . University of Illinois
board chairman Christopher Kennedy, son of the late Robert
F. Kennedy,  was instrumental in the denial of emeritus status
to Professor William Ayers, who once participated in dedica-
ting a book to Sirhan Sirhan (among others).  .  .  . A woman
fiddling with her cell phone as she drove rear-ended the chief
of police at 15 miles per hour in Richmond, California. . . . A
man being arrested for  lying  naked  on the beach  in  Destin,
Florida, identified himself as Brad Pitt. . . . Two men fired by
the Tiger Haven lion and tiger sanctuary in eastern Tennessee
ran through the facility naked in protest.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  Kim  Jong  Trois,
Kim Jong Quatre,  and Kim Jong Dong.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett