July 31, 2011:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

World's biggest dog

J. Ewing wrote Sun 7/24/11 @09:46 EDT re "sexing" Jaron Lanier's
kitten:

Texting  not  required. Just use the crazy cat lady punctuation
guide.  The top opening in both cases is the anus.  Both sexes
have a second opening, housing the sexual organs. In females
this second opening is close to the butt (anus) and slit-shaped.
In males the second opening is further away from the butt and
is round in shape:
                              Female = upside down exclamation mark.
                              Male = colon.

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 7/24/11 @16:00 CDT:

I note a serious decline in the cuteness quotient of the female
types featured on Tabloid Headlines for the week of July 24.
What gives?

Does this have anything to do with Sarah Kifer?   – Editor

This Clarksville  couple  were described by police
as "mentally challenged."   Two newborn twins,  a
boy and a girl, were found in the toilet of their mo-
tel room,  the boy dead.   That's  Betsy L. Dalton,
36, on the left  and Jerry Conrad, 52, on the right.
Charges  were  withheld  pending results of an au-
topsy.
                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A Lexington health organization – responding to the city's being
labeled laziest in the nation by Men's Health magazine – sched-
uled  a  Sedentary   Parade,  which will feature stationary floats
and non-marching bands and go nowhere. . . .

Governor Stevie made political hay in May by attending the Ken-
tucky Oaks, a precursor to the Kentucky Derby (and it's a tradi-
tion for the Governor to be there),  instead  of  welcoming  Presi-
dent Obama to Fort Campbell,  Kentucky,  where the President
had journeyed to welcome the Navy SeALs back from Pakistan,
where they had offed Osama bin Laden.  Now,  the  Associated
Press thinks it has uncovered a scandal – and Governor Stevie's
Republican opponents think they have made political hay – in un-
covering e-mail showing that President Obama  had not invited
Governor Stevie to Fort Campbell.   [It's a question of  "Who
snubbed  whom?"  you understand.   You do understand,  don't
you?   Vote early and often. . . .]
                                                                                         [AP]

And, finally, here are some cuties for Mr. Porterfield –



Ashleigh French, Tracy Lear and Missi Taylor show their love for one
 another at SINdustry Night in Louisville's downtown Hotel Nightclub.

                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"They’re all fighting like rats in a sack."

                             – British MP Paul Farrelly, speaking of News International executives

"We'll report on how the killings have riveted attention on right wing extremists in Norway
 and across Europe."
                                              – Mary Louise Kelly, Morning Edition, National Public Radio

"One is playing with fire if they think they can."
                                                                                – William Daley, President Obama's chief of staff

"This is Arizona, not some Middle Eastern nation."
                                                                                    – Don Yonts, of Gilbert, Arizona, in a letter to
                                                                                       the editor of the Arizona Republic under the
                                                                                       headline Don't call our dust storms 'haboobs'

"I have lost my darling who I loved very much."
                                                                                – Reg Traviss, Amy Winehouse's boy friend

Maureen McGovern, 62
Kate Bush, 63
Nery Pumpido, 64
Paul Anka, 70
Thomas Sowell, 81

Two mortuary attendants in Johannesburg, South Africa, fled
in fear as an asthmatic man presumed dead woke up after 24
hours there.  . . . Scientists determined that a tremor in Seoul,
South Korea, that shut down a skyscraper for two days was
caused not by an earthquake but by a tae bo class in the buil-
ding's gym. . . .A fanatic with a bomb concealed in his turban
blew his mind  in Afghanistan,  killing the mayor of Kandahar
(and himself). . . .  A cosmetic ad featuring Julia Roberts was
ruled deceptive in Britain for being overly airbrushed. . . .  A
high school in Bennington,  Vermont,  had to amend its dress
code to prohibit pajamas and slippers. . . . A woman who al-
lowed a "gym therapist" to massage her breasts and buttocks
called the police in Jersey City, New Jersey, when she found
out he was not gay (as she had believed) and had a girl friend.
 . . .Two 14-year-old New Jersey boys were required to reg-
ister as sex offenders  for  life  for sitting bare-assed on a 12-
year-old schoolmate's face. . . .  Jersey Shore's Pauly D join-
ed Britney Spears on her "Femme Fatale" tour. .  .  . Electric
Daisy Carnival Experience fans "planked" riot police in Hol-
lywood. . . .  Ahnold agreed to pay alimony and attorney fees
to Maria.  . . . Kim Kardashian was diagnosed with the heart-
break of psoriasis. . . . New Delhi had a "slutwalk." . . . Pablo
Dylan – Bob's grandson – released a rap single.

The sports: Suzie  Sanchez,  a 37- year-old grandmother, became  an  Oakland Raiders cheerleader.

A 63-year-old man was in stable condition in a Glendale, Cal-
ifornia, hospital after attempting to  remove  a  hernia  from his
stomach with a butter knife.   Police arrived at the man's home
to find him lying naked on a lounge chair outside  with the han-
dle of the knife protruding from his abdomen.   He  pulled  the
knife out and shoved a burning cigarette into his wound.

                                      [courtesy Glendale News-Express]

Dear Jeanetta: I bought a Rand Paul mask from Borf Books.   As I was playing with it,  my dog,  Kalvin,  became very upset.  He wouldn't hurt a fly, but I was afraid he might bite me. What has Kalvin got a- gainst Rand Paul?                                                   Evy

• 'CCC':  Fear third C would be taken for 'Chicken'
• 'Campus Fried Christians'
• 'Goo Goo G'Joob'

Sarah Kifer wrote Mon 18 July 2011 @11:50 EDT:

Lay off NPR and Steve Inskeep, already – what's wrong with
"centered around"?

It's not a question of diction; it's a question of plane geometry:  A circle
revolves around a point, but it centers on a point. – Editor


Connie Harbeson wrote Mon 7/18/11 @11:15 EDT:

Michele Bachmann signed a pledge to find a cure for homo-
sexuality?  Here it is: Birth control!  When people stop hav-
ing babies, no gays, bisexuals or lesbians will be born.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/17/11 @10:33 PDT re 'MARRIAGES
EXPLODE':

I thought Ashton was gay.

Maybe that's the problem.

Whoever "Ashton" is.
                                            – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/17/11 @10:34 PDT:

I thought Ben was gay.

Maybe that's the problem.

Whoever Ben is.
                                            – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/17/11 @10:35 PDT:

I never heard of Russell. Is he gay?

We never heard of Russell.  Is he gay?     – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/17/11 @10:51 PDT:

Where does all this leave Mary J. Bilge,  indeed.   With
her name misspelled by the editor of Tabloid Headlines,
that's where.

Yes, but – that was the idea, you understand.

And where does that leave "Lil' Kim," who misspells her own
name?

                                                                                  – Editor

Publius Leget wrote Sun 17 July 2011 @15:09:26 CDT:

OK.  Let's see.

Beyoncé
Li'l ( " Lil' " ) Kim
Mary J. Blige (please)
Lady Gag-a
Katy Perry
Jordin (please) Sparks
Jennifer Hudson
Queen Latifah
Faith Hill
Christina Aguilera

All bilge (please).  Artist?  Artist?  That would be Dawn Upshaw.

Dumb news from Indiana: Sarah Kifer,  a 26-year-old Beech Grove math teacher, stalked a former student on Facebook for 19 months,  hijacking his account and send- ing him 47 texts and 26 cell phone messages in an 80-minute period in June (she's under arrest).                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Ms. Kifer

Kubwa the elephant had a 238-pound baby at the Indianapolis Zoo –
her third by artificial insemination.
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

A Casey Anthony dunking booth  was removed from the Bluegrass Fair
in Lexington. . . .

A Louisvillian convicted of possession of methamphetamine was returned
to jail after posting a video of himself drinking on Facebook  and  inviting
his probation officer to be his "friend."
                                                                                          [courtesy AP]

Half a dozen barber shops and hair salons in Louisville have been knocked
off by armed robbers since the first of the year. . . .


Would you vote for either of these buffoons?

Beshear, Williams trade barbs
   in first faceoff for governor

                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier Journal]

"I don’t need to see markets drop 400 points, but Republicans may need
 to see markets drop 400 points."
                                                          – Nancy Pelosi

"We think she's female, but I haven't done the most thorough examination.
 If only cats texted, we'd know by now."
                                                                   – IT guru and AI pioneer Jaron Lanier,
                                                                      speaking of a new kitten in his household

"Another extraordinary souvenir of the century is the Golden Spike,
 that connected the transcontinental railroad – Union Pacific coming
 from the  west, Central Pacific coming from the east."

                                                            – Linda Wertheimer, National Public Radio

"She was acquitted of all charges."
                                                            – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.,
                                                               speaking of Casey Anthony

Alison Krauss, 40
Lynda Carter, 60
Don Imus, 71
Ruth Buzzi, 75
Kay Starr, 89
Nate Bump, 35

A New Zealander serving time for attacking a policeman, ag-
gravated robbery, theft and burglary won a $3,500 emotional
distress award from the government  for being incorrectly list-
ed as a  domestic  violence  offender. .  .  . Charlie Sheen will
star in Anger Management,  an upcoming sitcom based on the
movie. . . . A 17-year-old boy in Port St. Lucie, Florida,  invi-
ted his friends on  Facebook  to a party at his home  and then
killed his parents with a hammer as he waited for his 60 guests
to arrive (he was arrested on an anonymous tip).  .  .  .  Some
300 exorcists from around the world attended a vampire con-
ference at the Jasna Góra monastery in Poland. . . . A Chinese
beekeeper who attracted 57 pounds of bees won a bee-wear-
ing contest in Hunan. .  .  .1,500 cattle dropped dead from the
heat in South Dakota.  .  .  .  Al Qaeda developed a Ninjalike
cartoon to recruit children. .  .  .  A 5-year-old boy in El Paso,
Texas, took off in the family van to buy a candy bar but crash-
ed into a utility pole  after driving about a mile  (he fled the car
when police arrived but was caught in a foot chase). . . .A 24-
year-old woman  and  her 3-year-old son  robbed  a  bank  in
Hudson,  Florida. . . . A mother and son,  both  registered sex
offenders,  were arrested for moving in too close to a day care
center in St. Charles, Illinois.

  
                Wilma Manella, 53, and son, Joshua, 24

In the last month, I have noticed more crooked ties on male news-
casters, senators and even our President.    Surely they have a mir-
ror so they can check their appearance;  and, if not, some assistant
must be around to give them a once-over before they go on camera.
A crooked tie truly makes all these important people look pretty stu-
pid.  Some even wear a tie with a real skinny knot. Why not go with
the Windsor knot that makes the  whole  picture  prettier?   Help me
make this a national problem and see if we can't turn it around.

                                                                            D. P. in Muskogee

It's the Rand Paul mask!      Here’s a movie that will show you what      it does and how it works !  Starring our      Roving Reporter,  with  voice  roles  by      the Editor and his chippie.                     Be the first on your block . . . .     Borf Books           borf@borfents.com        Box 413     Brownsville KY 42210    270-597-2187      Previous issue of Tabloid Headlines      Next issue             Archives index

Publius Leget wrote Sun 10 July 2011 @10:04:26 CDT:

You listed under "dumb news from Kentucky" last week the
resolution to remove the trial of the accused Bowling Green
terrorists from the venue of the crime  –  but, the City Com-
mission of Bowling Green turned the resolution down. That's
smart news, isn't  it?

No.  The resolution was turned down for the wrong reason.  The po-
lice chief convinced the mayor and two other city commissioners that
the venue of a trial was a judicial matter, not legislative.  Actually it is
a constitutional matter  (take a look at the Sixth Amendment).   It's
none of a city commission's business where to hold the trial of a fed-
eral offense – and none of a single senator's, either.  –  Editor

A drunk driver reaching down for his cell phone plowed into a horse-
drawn cart in LaGrange County,  killing a 12-year-old Amish boy at
the reins. . . .

An 11-year-old boy from North Carolina was bitten by an alligator
at an amusement park in Valparaiso   (the man who held the animal
on a rope and invited children to pet it turned out not to work at the
park). . . .

Third Degree Films, of Canoga Park, Cal- ifornia,  subpoenaed Purdue and six other universities  for  the  names and addresses of  students  to whose computers a copy- righted film featuring porn star Sasha Grey was downloaded  (the Purdue student has sued, anonymously, to quash the subpoe- na). . . . Cursive writing was dropped from the re- quired curriculum of state schools. . . .

Sasha

County fairs were experiencing a dearth of contestants for queen,  with
entrants declined by as much as 84 per cent  – Owen County had only
five contenders this year.  (The average age of entrants is 18,  and gen-
eticists were looking for an outcrop of the ugly gene in 1993.)

                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Pikeville College became the  University of Pikeville  (where athletes will
continue to be called the Bears,  they hope,  and not the Pikers). . . .

A dog hit by a car in Ohio County  was beaten in the head with a hoe by
a deputy sheriff to put it out of its misery but now is on the road to recov-
ery at a veterinary clinic (the deputy was fired). . . .

The city of Covington ordered the painting of plywood covering doors and
windows of vacant buildings, to make the buildings look less unoccupied.

                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

"It’s sad, because our stuff is reasonably priced.  Anyone can come in here and
 purchase it."
                           – Jerry Poe, manager of an "adult" store in Woodbridge, Virginia, where
                              a man was arrested for making love to a blow-up doll in a back room

"Saturn is bipolar."
                                – Andrew Ingersoll, Cassini spacecraft imaging team member at Caltech

"center around"
                            – Steve Inskeep, Morning Edition, National Public Radio

"We,  as music critics,  have been used to reading pop stars as  'brands.'
 So we look at Lady GaGa, and we know what she 'means': She means
 'freak,'  you know?  We look at Katy Perry, and she means 'screwball.'
 Well, what does Beyoncé mean?  Beyoncé means 'artist'."

                                                                    – NPR music critic Ann Powers  (where
                                                                       does all this leave Mary J. Bilge?  Reader
                                                                       commentary not merely invited but urged)

Felipe Juan Froilán de Marichalar y de Borbón, 13
Li'l ("Lil' ") Kim, 36
James George Janos (a/k/a Jesse Ventura), 60
Cheryl Ladd, 60
Julian Bream, 78
Julius Caesar (b. 100 B.C., d. 44 B.C.)

An  Austrian  atheist  won the right to have the photograph on his driver's license taken wearing a spaghetti strainer for a hat, calling himself a  "Pastafarian."  .  .  .  A 62-year-old man who crossed a fence  to  "mount" his neighbor's thoroughbred mare in Clinton County, Michigan, was charged with bestiality (sec- ond offense)  and  "aggravated  indecent   exposure."  .  .  . A streaker was gored in  Pamplona  (there's video). .  .  . As the Tennessee Senate  approved a bill  that would outlaw any dis- cussion  of  homosexuality  in classrooms from kindergarten to 8th  grade,  a law was enacted  in  California  requiring  social studies classes to include LGBT's contributions to history. . . . Michele Bachmann signed a pledge to find a cure for homosex- uality (Mitt Romney didn't). . . . Teachers and school principals all over Atlanta,  Georgia,  were found to have falsified  correct answers on their students' standard tests. . . . Rihanna (whoever that is) passed Lady GaGa as the female Facebook favorite. . . . Catherine Kieu Becker, of Garden Grove, California, cut off her husband's penis and stuffed it in the garbage disposal. . . .A man in Lynwood, Washington, forcibly shaved his former girl friend's head so that she wouldn't be attractive to other men  (there's  an app  for  that).  . . .  Internet searches for the Yangtze and other rivers were blocked in China.  . . . The canceled ABC soap op- eras All My Children and One Life to Live continued on line.. . . The lineage of  polar  bears  was traced to a female brown bear that lived in Ireland 20 to 50 thousand years ago.  .  .  .  A one- armed protester was arrested for clapping in Minsk, Belarus.. . . A woman watching a wild West re-enactment with her grandson in Hill City,  South  Dakota,  was shot in the leg. .  .  .  McDain's Restaurant in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, barred babies (actually, all children under 6 –  "Their volume can't be controlled," explain- ed the owner).  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Pastafarian     J. Edgar Hoover, a   historical figure in Calif.

         

     Hope Solo, U.S.A. women's soccer goalie

Can you please tell me why my 14-year-old Labrador retriever,
P.J., sits barking at the ceiling?  He's been doing this for weeks,
and it's annoying everyone, including the neighbors, as we live in
a condo.
                                                                                    Babette

                 Congressman Eric Cantor (R-Va.)

• Schwarzenegger:  What's native birth have to do with it?
  
• Strauss-Kahn:  What's citizenship have to do with it?
• Both:  What is this ‘sexual domination’?  And, so what?
  

• Offered $1 million book deal
• To star in reality TV series
• Animals react to verdict
  

                                       [courtesy Nathaniel Enquirer]




                                      [courtesy Gloucestershire Echo]

Terry Crow wrote Thurs 6/30/11 @12:48 PDT:

In the Indiana/Kentucky wife/cat case,  which charge ap-
lies to which death?  And, is a person who goes to Pike-
ville College considered a piker?

A racing boat missed a buoy in the Madison Regatta on the Ohio
River and crashed into a rescue barge while trying to get back on
course, seriously injuring three rescue workers.

                                       [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

An 11-year-old Martinsville boy was arrested for  murder  in  the
shooting of his 6-year-old brother but was allowed to  attend  the
funeral. . . .

The body of a 44-year-old man,  dead since 2009,  was found in a
Terre Haute house that neighbors had assumed was abandoned. . . .

The state Court of Appeals ordered unemployment benefits restored
to a store employee fired for  eating  two  hot  dogs  left over from a
company picnic.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Legislators in Kentucky and other states were falling all over them-
selves filing bills for a "Caylee's law," which would make it a felony
to murder your children to fail to report a child missing within a lim-
ited time, such as 12 hours. . . .

Lack of parking and planning at the Kentucky Speedway near the ti-
ny town of Sparta led to a massive traffic jam on I-71, the main high-
way between Louisville and Cincinnati,  of  100,000 NASCAR fans
converging for the Quaker State 400  and other races,  as  46  colli-
sions  near Lexington  shut  down  I-75,  the main highway between
Michigan and Florida.
                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

City Commissioner Melinda Hill introduced a resolution  urging  U.S.
Attorney General Eric Holder not to try two Iraqis in Bowling Green,
their city of residence  and  the venue of the terrorist conspiracy they
are alleged to have engaged in.  The resolution failed, 3-2, but Sena-
tor Mitch McConnell urged Holder, in a letter,  to put the pair on tri-
al by a military commission at Guantanamo Bay.
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

In an interstate incident spanning the Ohio River and the skies above,
three men and a woman in Southern Indiana were arrested for train-
ing a laser on a police helicopter flying over Louisville,  blinding  the
pilot.
                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 569 children aged 4 and
 under who were murder victims in 2008 – more than one per day. This Ca-
 sey Anthony situation is less a commentary on the efficacy of American jus-
 tice than on the power of American media to stir public emotion."

                                            – Eric Crawford, sports columnist, the Courier-Journal

"I guess the glove didn't fit."
                                                – Jason Biggs

"Like  everyone  else,  PBS'  Frontline  stated that Bradley Manning has been
 indicted  and that Julian Assange  'faces extradition to Sweden on charges of
 sexual assault.'  Neither is true.  Manning has not been indicted or even court-
 martialed,  and no charges of any kind have been filed against Assange –  the
 international warrant for his arrest is for questioning only –  that is why it is so
 controversial. What ever happened to fact checking? If even Frontline cannot
 get these simple basic facts straight,  it damages the credibility of  all  their  re-
 ports.  American journalism is truly a disreputable mess."
                                                                                                   – Bruce Mitchell

"It's good that things are changing a little."

                                           – Christine  Lagarde,  appointed first woman to manage
                                              the International Monetary Fund, by a board of 24 men

"They say they became soldiers for hire only after being promised money."

                                     – Lourdes Garcia-Navarro, National Public Radio news, in Libya

"crisisees"
                     – Diane Swonk, Mesirow Financial economist, on PBS'
                        News Hour  – listen to this – she says it seven times in
                        this 44-second, single-sentence sound clip  (the first link
                        is to a video of the entire news item and panel discussion)

"The event will now be rescheduled for Labor Day weekend."

                                                        – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green,
                                                           Ky. (speaking of the rained-out July 4 fireworks
                                                           show in Daviess County, Kentucky – he meant
                                                           that the show already had been rescheduled)

Gene Chandler, 71
Steve Lawrence, 76
Jerry Vale, 79
Jake LaMotta, 90
Tzipi Livni, 53
Jessica Hahn, 52

Melanie Maya Freeman, 19,  arrested earlier this year  in Las Cruces, New Mexico, for having sex with a 12-year-old boy, fled on a motorcycle with her new boy friend, 38, after pulling a gun on her sister.  . . .  A 55-year-old bareheaded motorcy- clist riding in a group protesting a helmet law was fatally injur- ed as his head struck the pavement in  a  crash  in  Onondaga, New York. .  .  .  Oxford University tweeted a denial of Twit- ter reports that it had abandoned its comma  rule.  .  .  . Eliza- beth  Smart,  23,  who was  kidnapped  by  a  Salt Lake City street  preacher  when she was 14,  was hired by ABC News as a commentator on abductions.  . . .  The 168-year-old tab- loid  News of the World,  Rupert  Murdoch's  first  and  most profitable media acquisition in the  United  Kingdom  (and still the newspaper with the largest circulation  in the UK),  folded in the wake of  controversy  over  hacking into cell phones of the royalty, politicians, kidnap victims, dead soldiers, and oth- ers. ... Traffic Court Judge Rhonda Hollander followed a man into a men's room in a courthouse in Broward County,  Flori- da,  and took his picture with her cell phone  as he stood at a urinal. . . . The fatal mauling of a hiker by a mama grizzly bear was ruled justifiable  homicide  by Yellowstone National Park rangers.  .  .  .  An employee wearing a University of Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt at a Publix supermarket in Jacksonville, Flor- ida,  punched out a retarded man who said,  "Hey! I like your shirt!"

Melanie       Smart  Judge Rhonda

                        [courtesy Obscure Store Reading Room, AP]

Why does Sandy, my golden retriever, constantly chase birds?
He's such a nice dog that surely he doesn't want to hurt or kill
them.  I worry that he'll catch one by accident.                                                                                                                                                                              Daisy in Charleston

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 6/26/11 @12:09 CDT:

If  I didn't know better,  I'd think you were an old maid
school ma'am,  specializing in speech and diction.  You
must spend hours recording Lisa Autry  and other NPR
women  and analyzing them for pronunciation slips.    It
takes a fine ear to distinguish between "Tennessee" and
"Tinnissee,"  equivalent  to the difference between  "pin"
and "pen," which most rational people have given up on.

It's something of a relief  to find you criticizing some top
NPR  ladies along with poor Lisa,  who may not speak
your language but who is a top-notch and tireless news-
hound.  If Monica Brady-Myerov and Renée Montagne
are not up to your standards, you have set the bar pretty
high.

Hey,  ya  know?   These people get paid to talk (Renée Mon-
tagne, in six figures, annually). We just think they should know
how to talk.  – Editor

The Allen County Public Library Board, in Fort Wayne, modified its
gun-toting policy to allow patrons to carry firearms if they have their
permits with them (a new state law allows local governments to ban
guns from buildings that house courtrooms but not from other build-
ings, such as libraries).
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Rod Humphrey,  who received a postcard to  Brandon  Humphrey
from the Bureau of Motor Vehicles telling him it was time to renew
his driver's license,  was one of 58,000 Indiana motorists to whom
notices were directed with wrong first names.

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Former governor Paul Patton, now president of Pikeville College and
chairman  of the Kentucky Council on Postsecondary Education,  es-
tablished the new  Kentucky Community and Technical College Sys-
tem to take over technical schools,  saying it was important that tech-
nical schools be called colleges: "We go through grade school and el-
ementary and say,  'Everybody's got to go to college.'  And then they
graduate and we say,  'Well,  yeah,  everybody  should go to college,
but you ought to go to a technical school.' So, we eliminated that bar-
rier.   College is college.  College is after high school"  (or,  as Madry
Chlopak said,  "Let's just call apples 'oranges' ").

                                                    [courtesy Kentucky News Network]

Sandy Bandy's golf cart was stolen from her front lawn on Nolin Lake.

                                                                 [courtesy Edmonson News]

Former University of Kentucky basketball star Antoine Walker,  who
earned more than $108 million in the National Basketball Association
from 1996 through 2009, was more than $8 million in debt and await-
ing sentencing in Las Vegas for passing bad checks.

                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


        
Black specialty license plates labeled "Friends of Coal," available
also in West Virginia, were selling like hotcakes.
                                                                            [courtesy AP]

        

A man from Noblesville, Indiana, was arrested for murder and animal
cruelty after police found his wife and cat dead in a motel in Elizabeth-
town, Kentucky  (he said he was helping his wife, who was strangled,
commit suicide).
                                                                         [courtesy WISH-TV]

"I guess I'm just mainstream."
                                               – Jeanetta Girard

"Iowa Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann plans
 to enter the GOP Presidential contest today."
                                                                               – Paul Brown, National Public Radio news
                                                                                  (emphasis added; yes, he really said that)

"What I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa
 – that's the kind of spirit that I have, too."
                                                                     – Minnesota  Congresswoman  Michele  Bachmann,
                                                                        kicking off her presidential campaign in her home
                                                                        town, Waterloo, Iowa  –  home town also of John
                                                                        Wayne Gacy  (the  movie  star  John  Wayne  was
                                                                        from  Winterset,  Iowa,  three  hours  away)

"In the hotly contested contest about to begin."
                                                                            – Scott Horsley, National Public Radio news

"As best as they can."
                                       – Carrie Kahn, National Public Radio news

Luci Baines Johnson Nugent Turpin, 64
Dave Barry, 64
Twyla Tharp, 70
H. Ross Perot, 81
Lindsay Lohan, 25

Justices of the Wisconsin Supreme Court came to blows in
chambers. ... A 95-year-old woman had to remove her di-
aper for the TSA at Los Angeles International Airport. . . .
Twenty Kurdish activists were applauded when they stum-
bled into Turkey’s gay pride parade in Istanbul, fleeing tear
gas fired by police at a nearby political rally. . . . Ukrainian
woman covered their faces and bared their breasts as they
drove by the Saudi embassy  in  Kiev  shouting,  "Cars for
women, camels for men." . . .Wales’ Cardiff Royal Infirma-
ry apologized for giving patients tambourines to attract nur-
ses. . . . A woman who fell asleep at the wheel crashed into
a mattress store on Vroom Street in Jersey City,  New Jer-
sey. ... Jennifer Aniston had "Norman" tattooed on her foot
in memory of her deceased dog.

My husband and I bought a new car with all the newfangled stuff,
automatic this and automatic that;  but  when I drove it to a shop-
ping mall I couldn't get the doors open.  When I got home, every-
thing was fine.  What was wrong?
                                                           Bumfuzzled in Birmingham

                        Candidate endures campaign kiss from husband

Deborah Harry, 66
Olivia de Havilland, 95

A condominium association in Jupiter, Florida, began using
DNA to identify dog poop.

                         [courtesy Obscure Store Reading Room]

FGDean wrote Thurs 6/30/11 @17:39 PDT:

Just logged on.  This caught me by surprise.  Why the early
edition; are you trying to beat the holiday weekend traffic?

Bruce Mitchell wrote Thurs 6/30/11 @21:14 PDT:

What is this, an early edition?

And I thought it was school "marm."  Leastways tha's how
we used to say it back when I was a young'n'.

We had two e-mail drafts open,  meaning  to  send  one  (a personal e-mail)
but  sent  the  other  instead  (the tabloids newsletter scheduled for Sunday).

Yeah,  we,  too,  have always heard the expression "school 'marm'."  We're
sure our correspondent Mr. Porterfield has,  too.  We're  guessing  he  used
the proper spelling "ma'am" to avoid being cited in "quotations of the weak."  – Ed.


Nolan Porterfield wrote Fri 7/1/11 @10:33 CDT:

Yes, I'm familiar with "marm," but it ain't in my new Merriam-Webster's
Collegiate Dictionary (11th ed.); so I figured I ought to play by the rules,
lest I be held up to ridicule.

I kinda liked the early edition of Tabloid Headlines.  Certainly  frees  up
my Sunday mornings. . . .

Bruce Mitchell wrote Fri 7/1/11 @12:18 PDT:

I've been aiming to get in "Quotations of the Weak" for the longest time,
so far without success.

"Leastways" your effort shows.

"Fren-P-R's" Paris correspondent, Eleanor Beardsley, nearly busted a gut Fri-
day putting the em-pha-SIS on RAN-dom syl-LAB-les,  in an apparent effort
to make her report sound im-por-TANT.  – Editor