• 5 at State Fair in Louisville
• 5 at Old Timers Day, Bee Spring
• 5 at Newgrass Festival, Warren County
• 5 at Pickin' in the Park, Tompkinsville
• 5 at Highland Games, Glasgow
• 5 at Civil War re-enactment, Campbellsville
• 5 at Buttermilk Days festival, Bardstown
• 5 at Covered Bridge Festival, Flemingsburg
• 5 at bluegrass festival in Summer Shade
  

Publius Leget wrote Sun 21 August 11 @10:04:26 CDT:

Oh, hey, Dear Jeanetta, whatsa for you to tell poor little
Jean-Marie her name should be Jeanne-Marie?   How
many n's do you have in Jeanetta?   How many  should
there be?

I didn't name me.  And anyway, I'm from Edmonson County.  – Jeanetta


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/21/11 @11:29 PDT:

You seem to be assuming that Jean-Marie is a woman.
It could be the name of a man.  It's French, after all.

Yeah, we've heard of those transgender European musicians Carlo
Maria Giulini and Jean-Marie Leclair, but Jeanetta's correspondent
identified herself as a D.C. chippie.  – Editor

The state police of both Indiana and Kentucky have adopted "Drive
sober or get pulled over" as their Labor Day weekend slogan.  Not
quite as catchy (or metric) as "Click it or ticket,"  but – would a po-
et arrest you?
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A refrigerator purchased by the government was kept in the home
of Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer,  Republican nominee
for Lieutenant Governor  – but it was kept in his home office,  ex-
plained a campaign spokesman.
                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Lynda Chase, 37, a high school secretary in Rich- mond, was sentenced to 3 years in prison for sex with a 15-year-old boy. [courtesy WTVQ-TV] After Greg Howard, 59, was stopped for driving erratically at 1:13 a.m.in the Louisville suburb of Jeffersontown, his pants fell down as he got out of the car.  His woman pas- senger, whose head was between Howard's legs when he was stopped, was found to be hiding a beer under her dress. Simultaneous DUI, SWD. [courtesy smokingun.com]

"Libyans wanted to enjoy a peaceful Ramadan.  Instead they have been made into refu-
 gees. What are we? Palestinians?"
                                                       – Muammar (Moamar) Gadhafi (Khaddafi, etc., etc.)

"I can tell you right now . . . and I can see the damage here, right in front of me . . . and
 let me tell you . . . ."
                                    – NPR's hotshot foreign correspondent Lourdes Garcia-Navarro,
                                       from Gadhafi's palace in Tripoli (here's a sound clip)

"She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations, and she's proud of the fact
 that her food is fucking bad for you."
                                                             – TV chef Anthony Bourdain, on TV chef Paula Deen

"Rick Perry makes me look like a moderate."
                                                                           – Ron Paul

"The thrill of catching a catfish with your bare hands only rivals having sex for the first time."

            – East Austin filmmaker Bradley Beesley, on "noodling," recently legalized in Texas

"I'm not a menace – they just don’t know how to deal with me."

             – Dale McDaniel, arrested 34 times in Pasco County, Florida, for such incidents
                as chasing neighbors with a chain saw and slapping a quadriplegic with a fish

"We pray that the thief is struck by a strong bout of the shits."

            – Franciscan friars,  in a note posted at a church in Florence, Italy, over the
               theft of a rare Bible and of a donated replacement Bible just hours later

It tells you whether the watermelon is ripe
(but you still have to knock on the melon).

Birthdays: LeAnn Rimes, 29 ––––> Marlee Matlin, 46 Billy Ray Cyrus, 50 Ray Bradbury, 91

The Kellogg Co.,  for whom Toucan Sam has boosted Froot Loops since 1963, sent a "cease and desist" letter to the Ma- ya  Archaeology  Institute  over its own toucan logo. . . . The new  regime  in Egypt was cracking down on Facebook and Twitter. . . . A comedian dressed as Moammar Gadhafi was hit over the head with a bottle  at the Edinburgh Fringe Fes- tival in Scotland. . . .  Ted Nugent endorsed Rick Perry. . . . Moammar Gadhafi  endorsed  Ted  Nugent  (nah! we made that one up!). . . . The U.S. Census Bureau found that mar- riage is the leading cause of divorce. .  .  .  A judge in Inter- course,  Pennsylvania,  was arrested for disorderly conduct for handing out acorn-stuffed condoms in a public park. . . . Cowgirls rode sticks instead of ponies  in the Davis County, Utah, Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest because horse farms in the area were quarantined for equine herpes.  .  .  . Australia purchased $600 million worth of European torpe- does that arrived with instructions only in French and Italian.

Tim Tebow will get $8 million this year to ride the bench as the
National Football League Denver Broncos' third-string quarter-
back.

My question is short and sweet:  What would you tell your 20-
something self if you could talk to her now?
                                                                        Seeking Wisdom

          Bashar al-Assad

• Had stillborn twin brother
• Didn't write a single song
• Called his dick 'Little Elvis'
  
• Col. Tom Parker was an illegal Dutch immigrant whose real name was Andreas Cornelius van Kuijk
•  .  .  .

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/14/11 @00:02 PDT re the Indianapolis anti-
gay state representative caught soliciting a homosexual on Craigslist:

Are politicians born stupid or congenitally blind to the uses of modern
communications technology? It cannot be just thinking with the wrong
head.

Leah Fink, 47, a lawyer, was arrested for operating a meth lab at a home owned by her mother in Corydon  (her  boy  friend, Jeremy Ripperdan,  40,  also was arrest- ed). . . . The State Fair  canceled concerts by Janet Jackson and Lady Antebellum after a tem- porary stage collapsed in a storm  killing  5 fans awaiting a concert by Sugarland. . . . In a  heavenly  copycat  disaster  at a music festival in Hasselt, Belgium, a storm brought down a temporary stage and killed five per- sons  –  but the Indiana State Fair death toll rose to 6 (to meet the devil?). . . .

Leah                Jeremy

I-465, the interstate bypass around Indianapolis,  was renamed the U.S.S.
Indianapolis Memorial Highway,  in memory of the ill-fated World War II
cruiser.
                                                                    [courtesy Associated Press]

The girls golf coach at Scott County High School in Georgetown was
busted for his "relationship" with a 16-year-old girl and possession of
child pornography. . . .

A Newport judge reversed his decision to allow DNA testing in a 1987
murder because the convict is doing life and the prosecutor argued that
DNA testing for innocence applies only to capital cases.
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

The University of Louisville, a state university, was negotiating to merge
its teaching hospital with Jewish Hospital of Louisville  and a new state-
wide Catholic health care system  including St. Mary's of Louisville and
St. Joseph's of Lexington,  answering church/state separation questions
by saying the hospital  is  managed  by  University Medical Center Inc.,
not by a government agency, and with a statement on its web site, "Uni-
versity Hospital is NOT a public hospital." . . .

An Australian investment banker in financial difficulty, who held an 18-
year-old woman for ransom with a fake "collar bomb" in Sydney, was
arrested in Buckner,  Kentucky,  for "attempted obtaining of property
by menaces" (according to an Aussie detective).

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lauren Titus, an English instructor at "Ivy Tech" college of Southern Indiana,  is a regular "blog- ger" for the Louisville Courier-Journal.  The on- ly thing interesting about her is her face.                                                 [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"As a highly influential person of power, Perry's actions have the unfortunate potential to
 push desperate patients into the clinics of quacks."

                     – Dr. George Q. Daley of the Harvard Stem Cell Institute,  criticizing Texas
                        Governor Rick Perry's undergoing an unorthodox operation for a bad back

"There's class warfare, all right, but it's my class that's making war, and
 we're winning."
                                    – Warren Buffett

"Corporations are people, my friend."
                                                              – Mitt Romney

"The bacteria has been traced to a meat packing plant in Kansas City."

                                                                – Craig Windham, National Public Radio news

"No.  Um, you know, there's been a lot of speculation.  Some people have said
 he's on the border, with Algeria, in a small town there; others say he's still in the
 capital; others say he might have gone back to his home town of Sirte.  The last
 that we heard from him was an audiotape that was purportedly released by him
 four days ago; but since then we really haven't heard anything from Gadhafi, and
 we don't know where he is."
                                                    – NPR's hotshot foreign correspondent Lourdes ("Lulu")
                                                       Garcia-Navarro, in Libya,  in response to the anchor's
                                                       question, "Do we have any idea where Gadhafi is at
                                                       this point?" (in other words, no, she doesn't know)

"Absolutely . . . absolutely . . . absolutely . . . absolutely."
                                                                                            – Paul Lewis, a reporter for the Guardi-
                                                                                               an, on NPR's Morning Edition (and in
                                                                                               the linked sound clip, you get to hear
                                                                                               Renée Montagne stutter up a storm)

A new device will mute your TV whenever Charlie Sheen's name is
mentioned – or any other phrase you program in  (thanks to Bruce
Mitchell for this item).

Amy Fisher, 37
Lee Ann Womack, 45
Arthur Bremer, 61
Ginger Baker, 72
Ron Paul, 76
Debra Paget, 78
Maureen O'Hara, 91

A California parolee was caught scaling a 7-foot barbed wire
fence to get in to Folsom Prison  (the motive was not found).
. . . A guard reported that Warren Jeffs masturbated continu-
ously in jail. . . . Two aides at a nursing home in Ukiah, Cali-
ifornia,  were jailed for greasing dementia patients,  to  make
them harder to handle for the workers on the next shift. .  .  .
"Grease devils" preyed on women in Sri Lanka. ... Neon or-
ange goo polluted the Alaskan village of Kivalina. . . . A man
was killed whose girl friend offered $1,000 on Facebook for
someone to "hit" him, in Philadelphia. . . .  A dissatisfied cus-
tomer returned to a McDonald's  in  Brookfield,  Wisconsin,
and parked his car in the drive-through lane.  . . .  A man on
a stolen forklift with his dog, drinking as he drove and throw-
ing beer bottles at oncoming traffic, led police on a 16-m.p.h.
chase through Fort Worth, Texas,  and onto I-30,  where ta-
sers were used to stop him  (it's  on  YouTube – the video is
poor,  but the play-by-play commentary is fun). . . . Police in
Milton,Vermont, busted half a dozen high school boys using
school-issued laptops and cell phones to share pornography
and at least a dozen female classmates, as young as 14, who
contributed racy videos of themselves to the boys' shared e-
mail account. . . .Twenty students were questioned at North
Naperville High,  northwest of Chicago, Illinois,  after  some
showed up drunk for the first day of school. . . . Teachers in
Missouri sued to block enforcement of a new law restricting
their use of  "social network" web sites,  asserting their free-
dom of speech. . . . A woman in Greeley, Colorado,  called
911  when she could not find her TV remote control  –  and
police showed up to help her look for it  (they found it,  in a
kitchen drawer).  . . .  A duet by Cher and Lady Gag-a was
to debut in September.  .  .  .  Three motorists drowned in a
flash flood in Pittsburgh.

A Chinese military team and the Georgetown University Ho-
yas brawled at a "good will" basketball game in Shanghai.

  Macaques marauding government buildings in New Delhi, India, defeated
  langurs sent in to control them.                 [courtesy the Telegraph, Getty]



 A gay man wed a transgender woman in Cuba.                 [courtesy BBC]

I am really frustrated and would like some advice.  I  have  a
double first name  ("Jean-Marie"),  with no middle name or i-
nitial. I always identify myself with my full name, but for some
reason people insist on shortening it.   My full first name is on
my nameplate at work,  but many people just call me Jean.  I
don't get it.  When people ask, "Do you mind if I just call you
Jean?"  I  smile  and  reply,  "Actually it's Jean-Marie."  But it
doesn't do any good.  Do you have any suggestions?

                                                               Jean-Marie in D.C.

August 14, 2011: Things you would never know if you did not  browse  the  tabloids while  waiting for your wife  at the counter in  the supermarket  –  this  week's  head- lines brought to you  by  the  new  Breast Milk Baby Doll  ("It's downright creepy!" – the Louisville Courier-Journal):

• London, Kentucky
  
• London, Ohio
  
• New London, Connecticut
• New London, Iowa
• New London, Minnesota
• New London, Missouri
  
• New London, New Hampshire
• New London, Ohio
• New London, Wisconsin
• Manchester, Connecticut
• Manchester, Georgia
• Manchester, Iowa
• Manchester, Kentucky
• Manchester, Massachusetts
• Manchester, Michigan
• Manchester, Missouri
• Manchester, New Hampshire
• Manchester, New York
• Manchester, Ohio
• Manchester, Pennsylvania
• Manchester, Tennessee
• North Manchester, Indiana

Carole wrote Sun 8/7/11 @08:54 CDT  re last week's item  "A
latex mask of Casey Anthony sold for $999,900 on e-Bay  (but
Borf Books had yet to sell a single Rand Paul mask for $4.95)":

But – did you offer it on e-Bay?

An anti-gay state representative from Indianapolis who sponsored the
"In God We Trust" license plate  became embroiled in a scandal with
a homosexual he solicited on Craigslist.
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Jesse Ventura plays the governor of Indiana in the movie The Drunk,
being filmed in Terre Haute.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

An incoming freshman, profiled in the local paper for his "planking," was
barred from Western Kentucky University.

                             [courtesy Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News]

The president of Union College, in Barbourville, took a leave of absence
after his wife was arrested for DUI after pulling up to the home of a drug
dealer with her 5-year-old daughter in the car. . . .

A "Caylee's law" corollary introduced in the state legislature would make
it a felony not to report a dead body. . . .

The Trigg County Sheriff  posted  surveillance video  of stolen equipment
on  Facebook  and got tips leading to an arrest. . . .

A man charged with attacking his brother and sister-in-law with a mache-
te bolted from the Whitley County Courthouse and jumped,  handcuffed,
into the Cumberland River (he went under twice before being rescued by
a deputy sheriff).
                                                                                         [courtesy AP]

                                  [Tabloid Headlines photo]

Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky: A  Louisville vice squad officer arresting Hoosier hooker Kelly Duffy  at a motel said he had to pin her to the bed while waiting for backup ("I bet he frisked her pretty good," commented  read- er MeanMarlene). [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Thomas Edison was fired by Western Union in Louisville in 1867 for
spilling acid on his boss's papers.

"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail."

                                                                              – Abraham Maslow (1966; paraphrased)

"This year's game between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Bears was
 scheduled for yesterday . . . ."
                                                      – Renée Montagne, on NPR's Morning Edition  (pro
                                                          football's Hall of Fame game was canceled, and a
                                                         good thing:  The Bears didn't have any bats – Ed.)

But Kenneth Huey wrote Sun 8/7/11 @11:32 EDT:

Answer:  Jesus Christ (shouldn't you have run this in the
               Easter edition??).

While it's not the answer we had in mind,  it's not wrong!  Mr.
Huey gets a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines.  (Mr. Hu-
ey was the first,  but Scott Dean also went for Jesus;  and Jay
Cory said, "Messiah."  They, too, get free subscriptions.)  – Editor

and Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 8/7/11 @11:38 EDT:

Answer:  A  remodeling  contractor.   They stumble around
               (when they choose to) and consume all your mon-
               ey, and when you run out, they feed upon whatev-
               er's left, such as your flesh.

and Keith Durbin wrote Mon 8/8/11 @07:35 CDT:

Deadwood is the answer.

OK, OK; they get free subscriptions, too.  – Ed.

Willie Horton, 60 (that Willie Horton, not this Willie Horton)
Dave ("Baby") Cortez, 73
Jim ("Mudcat") Grant, 76
Minnie Lee Jones ("Joycelyn") Elders, 78
Arlene Dahl, 83
Esther Williams, 90
Alfred Hitchcock, 112

A swimmer drowned in China. . . . A man wearing lipstick,
earrings and pantyhose  sat at a mall in Salem,  Massachu-
setts, lifting his skirt to expose his male organs to shoppers
(he was arrested). .  .  . President Obama wished Muslims
a "Ramadan Kareem"  (bountiful Ramadan),  avoiding  the
more common  "Ramadan Mubarak"  (blessed Ramadan).
.  .  .  Faye Dunaway was evicted from her rent-stabilized
apartment in New York  (it has to be the tenant's primary
residence). . . . Concessionaires sold nachos and smooth-
ies at Reliant Stadium in Houston as Texas Governor Rick
Perry urged those at the prayer gathering there to fast. . . .
Cattle were suffering "brisket disease" in New Mexico. . . .
Tibetan Buddhists bought 600 pounds of lobster (534 crit-
ters) from a wholesaler in Gloucester, Massachusetts, and
set them free in the ocean. . . .A man in Chandler, Arizona,
shot himself in the dick with his fiancée's  pink  pistol  as he
tried to secure it (the pistol) in his waistband. . . .  A man in
Stockton, California, killed his girl friend's pit bull puppy af-
ter she (the woman) avoided his sexual overtures. .  .  . The
Tri-City Herald, in the state of Washington,  listed seven of
the 80 members of the Kennewick High School class of 19-
71 who would not be attending their reunion  because  they
had been murdered – including one who had not been.  . . .
An 83-year-old grandmother in Santa Ana, California,  got
a boob job. . . . A nude statue of Selena Gomez and Justin
Bieber together is coming to an adult store in Dallas, Texas.

Perps of the week: Mug shots of the    Rev. Rick Rogers,   46 (top), pastor of    a Methodist church    in Dresher, Penn-   sylvania, arrested    for flashing two    female music stu-   dents at the church,   and the Rev. Da-   vid Szatkowski,   37 (below), a Ca-   tholic priest arres-   ted for groping a    17-year-old girl    at a hotel in La-   Crosse, Wiscon-   sin, where he was    attending a confer-   ence on canon law.

                                                                                                                                                  [photo by Bill Luster, Courier-Journal]
                                                                    Media Day

I very much loved my hamster, Rhonda.   After she died of
old age, I got another hamster and named her Rhonda, too.
Unfortunately she's not very friendly.  She bites and doesn't
like being held, and I'm disappointed in her as a pet.   Am I
doing something to make her not like me?
                                                                                Hannah

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/31/11 @06:07 PDT:

Have the presses been held up for insertion of a hot news
story?  I want my TH fix!

Yes – the New Delhi slutwalk!  – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/31/2011 @11:49 PDT re the killer
cocktail of cocaine, heroin, Ecstasy and "Special K":

Kellogg's is now in the drug biz??

Yeah, we wondered about that, too.  A little Wikipediaing tells us
it's ketamine, an anesthetic favored by veterinarians.   – Editor

The Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library, in Indianapolis, arranged
to send as many as 150 copies of Slaughterhouse Five to fam-
ilies requesting the book in Republic, Missouri,  where the local
school board banned it at the request of a religious nut. . . .

Two Laurel County sisters who were born at home (Raechel, 29,
in Madison County;  Stephanie,  23,  in Alabama),  schooled  at
home and have no birth certificates or vaccination records  (their
parents had religious scruples about such)  had to sue the Social
Security Administration for numbers in order to apply for jobs....

Two men were arrested for stealing rain gutters and downspouts
from half a dozen churches in Pulaski County. . . .

Nonstop flights from Owensboro to Las Vegas were offered by
Nevada's Allegiant Air line.
                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

Shannon Hirchert, "special needs" teacher  at  Shelby  County  High School,  was arrested for  "sexual encounters"  with boys not her stu- dents and giving them obscene ma- terial.                          [courtesy WHAS-TV]

       World's ugliest baby born in Paducah.

                        [courtesy Edmonson News]

"Colonel" Harland Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken
(now "KFC"), was a native Hoosier who learned to cook at the age
of 6 and did not settle in Kentucky until he was nearly 40 years old.

"I don’t even want to be associated with him [President Obama].
 It's like touching a tar baby."
                                                   – Congressman Doug Lamborn (R-Colo.)
                                                      on KKZN radio in Denver

"People reach for this useful metaphor,  within the rapid and subconscious
 activity that speaking entails, unaware that some consider it to have a sec-
 ond meaning as a slur. And the 'some' that do appear to be in the minority."

                                              – John McWhorter, linguist and "racial relations expert"
                                                 (according to the Denver Post), in the New Republic

(Answer  next  week.  All  readers to guess the correct answer be-
  fore publication will get free subscriptions to Tabloid Headlines.)

Mark O'Connor, 50
Neil Armstrong, 81
Don Larsen, 82

An 8-year-old boy was stopped for driving erratically  on I-12
in Livingston Parish, Louisiana, with his father drunk and asleep
in the front passenger seat and his 4-year-old sister in the back.
. . . It wasn't exactly Weinergate in Weehawken,  but maybe it
was Magazzugate in Milltown, New Jersey, as a voter web site
led to the resignation of Lou Magazzu as chairman of  the  local
Democratic party with nude photos  Magazzu  took  of  himself
with his cell phone and e-mailed to a woman not his wife. . . . A
latex mask of Casey Anthony sold for $999,900 on e-Bay  (but
Borf Books had yet to sell a single Rand Paul mask  for  $4.95).
. . . A whining "tweeter" was "Rickrolled" by the White House....
"Flash mobs" were banned in Belarus. . . .  Teachers  in  Ontario
were told not to "friend" their students on Facebook – but it was
a bit more complicated in Missouri. .  .  . Research  psychologists
suggested  that  the  color  pink  was counterproductive to breast
cancer awareness. . . . A deputy sheriff in Vilas County, Wiscon-
sin,  who had seen a cougar in his yard shot a 20-year-old female
relative hiding in the bushes playing a clip of  cougar sounds  from
her cell phone,  and a woman in Banning, California, shot her 12-
year-old daughter with a miniature revolver she thought was a cig-
arette lighter (neither shootee was reported to have suffered a life-
threatening injury). . . .  A high school English teacher was escort-
ed from the building in Kettering, Oho, for calling his students "id-
iot," "air head," and "f'ing moron,"  telling one girl, "Nothing smart
could ever come out of your mouth,  and  nobody  likes you any-
way,"  and  keeping a photo of the superintendent on his desk  to
ridicule him periodically.  .  .  .  A polar bear attacked a group of
British students in Norway,  killing one of them. . . . A drunk with
a habit of lying in the road was run over  and  killed  in Carthage,
Oregon. .  .  .  A registered sex offender in Council Bluffs,  Iowa,
had sex with a  cat  and then threw it from a 7th-story window to
its death  (it was not reported whether the cat landed on its feet).

  Rex Ryan, New York Jets football coach, got a tattoo. . . .

An inside-the-park home run was hit at Wrigley Field.

                                                                        [courtesy AP]

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!  Readers  interested  in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend  the  Weekly World News Round Table  at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Ken- tucky,  just  after  church  every  Sunday. Guest  speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future include  Rebekah Brooks (we just couldn't wait any longer  to run her pitture in Tabloid Headlines)!