October 28, 2012: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:                                                
Cher sex cult scandal; NASCAR bombshell: Dale Jr. will never race again; Tragic brain injury; Divorce shockers: Rhea Perlman blames George Clooney; Royals kick Camilla out for dissing Kate; Dying Bill begs Hillary to take him back; Jessica Simpson's dad confesses he's gay; Far out fair food National Enquirer; Globe

Cher sex cult scandal; NASCAR bombshell: Dale Jr. will never race again; Tragic brain injury; Divorce shockers: Rhea Perlman blames George Clooney; Royals kick Camilla out for dissing Kate; Dying Bill begs Hillary to take him back; Jessica Simpson's dad confesses he's gay; Far out fair food National Enquirer; Globe

Far out fair food

Stephen Yates wrote Mon 10/22/12 @12:20 CDT:
So let me get this straight!  Poor Kevin P was Kidnapped
and assaulted

2 - Men (37 & 20)
? - Cousins (GOD knows how many!!)
2 - 19 Yr old Women (girls)
1 - Wife

FUCKING COUSINS!!!!! Poor bastard never had a chance!
It is hard to elude the "nerd sniffing dogs."

OK, let's try again, with more space for specificity:  Four culprits ("perps")
in all – two men and two women.  The men were cousins of  one  another;
and one of the women  was the younger man's sister,  making  her  also  a
cousin of the older man.  The other woman was the younger man's wife.

All the defendants carried the surname Jenkins, and all were from Partridge
except the older man,  who was said to be from Cumberland.    This  much
was reported in the first wire reports we saw; but the relationships were not
spelled out,  and that's why we called a reporter in  Harlan  to help us figure
it out.

Here's a recap.  The defendants: Jason Jenkins, 39; his cousin Anthony Jen-
kins, 20;  Anthony's
sister, Ashley Jenkins, 19,  and Anthony's wife,  Alexis
Jenkins, 19.   The two women pleaded guilty to abetting,  and the two men
went to trial. 
And then another Jenkins reared his ugly head:  Alex Jenkins,
18 – Anthony and Ashley's brother, Jason's cousin,  and Alexis' brother-in-
law – was jailed for refusing to testify against Anthony.

The jury has now acquitted Jason and Anthony of a "hate crime" but found
them guilty of kidnapping and assault.

There was a link to this story in last week's edition – did you notice?  The
blue border around the graphic indicated the link  (it turned red or purple
once you used it).   The link was indicated  also  by the index finger your
cursor turned into when scrolling across the pitture).

                                                                                                    – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
Coyotes were preying on family pets in Greenwood.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky
Cheyenne Vires: runaway
                                                                                    Cheyenne Vires: runaway
See also quotations of the weak, below.

Quotations of the week:
"When Microsoft introduced Windows 95, some people thought it was counterintuitive
 that the procedure for shutting down the computer began with  the  'Start'  button.   In
 Windows 8 that incongruity is gone,  along  with  the 'Start' button;  but shutting down
 with a mouse or touchpad isn't obvious, either.  Move the cursor to the top right corn-
 er of the screen.   A menu will pop out.   Sweep down to the 'Settings' button that ap-
 pears, and click it.  Then click 'Power,' then 'Shut down.'  If you're on a touch screen,
 start by swiping in from the right edge of the screen, then tap 'Settings'."

Peter Svensson, Associated Press technology writer, in an ar-
ticle titled "Where do I click, again? A guide to Windows 8"

"Those cheeses are so
good I'd like to Edam, but this cheese is even Gouda."
                                                                                                                         – John M. Greer

"I thought what he said was kind of crazy."
                                                                    – Haley Barbour, former Mississippi gover-
                                                                       nor and Republican National Committee
                                                                       chairman (referring not to what Mr. Greer
                                                                       said, but to what Richard Mourdock said)

Quotations of the weak (give a numbnock a microphone and he will speak into it):
"Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape . . . it is something that God intended
to happen."
                           – Richard Mourdock, Republican candidate for Senator from Indiana

"Thanks for asking intelligent questions

                – U.S. Ambassador Ronald Neumann, to National Public Radio host
                   Rachel Martin
(NPR removed the remark from its archive of the interview)

"With this next piece we'll celebrate the 200th birthday of Franz Liszt.
 Franz Liszt was born 201 years ago today."

                      – Scott Blankenship, Music Through the Night D.J. on Minnesota Public Radio

"An ­unidentified flying object was reported seen in several areas of Pike County last
 week, but officials have no information as to what the object might have been."

                – Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader (duh – isn't that why they're called "unidentified"?)

"There's an app for that!"

Tabloid Headlines' tech editor has discovered a personal behavior  "app"
that will prevent the compromise of your computer's integrity from power
outage and resurgence:  Just turn your computer off  when you are not u-
sing it.

This operational procedure will protect your computer  also  from  "auto-
matic updates" (most of which not only contain viruses or worms but are
in themselves viruses or worms).   Never  accept an "update" when your
computer is working.

You already know to save early and often while creating a lengthy docu-
ment or spreadsheet, no?

Yes, yes, we have heard of, and even used, "surge protectors" and pow-
er backup units  ("uninterrupted power supply" units  "UPS" –  not  to
be confused with DHL, or USPS, or the United Parcel Service).   In the
first place, nothing will withstand a stroke of lightning not even Super-
man or the Incredible Hulk. And power backup units don't work.  How
long did the battery last in your flashlight? In your cell phone? Fagedda-
boudit!  Turn the son-of-a-bitch off!

And  unplug  it  if there are any doubts  (and in all indications of severe

Change that expression!
"lies like a rug"
"lies like Romney"

Midori, 41
Natalie Merchant, 49
Doug Flutie, 50
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, 56
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, 59
Hillary Clinton, 65

Annette Funicello, 70
Edson Arantes do Nascimento ("Pelé"), 72
Y. A. Tittle, 86

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A blind Englishman was shot in the back  with  a  50,000-
volt Taser
in Chorley, Lancashire,  by police who mistook
his cane for a sword.  . . .
French President François Hol-
lande  proposed  banning  homework,  saying it favors the
wealthy. . . .  An undercover policeman pretending to con-
duct a chewing gum survey in Seattle, Washington, obtain-
ed DNA  used to link a suspect to an unsolved 1976 mur-
der in Maine. .  .  . Some mourners fainted and others fled
when Gilberto Araujo attended his own funeral in Alagoin-
has,  Brazil  (he had been misidentified by his family as vic-
tim of a murder  – it was not reported whether he was late
to the funeral). .  .  . A Serb had an image of his late wife's
vagina engraved on her tombstone. . . . New York's Court
of Appeals held that lap dancing is not art (and therefore is
taxable). . . . An Associated Press poll found  that  explicit
anti-black attitudes have risen from 48 per cent  to  51 per
cent of Americans since 2008  and  that implicit racism has
risen from 49 per cent to 59 per cent  in  the  same  period
(the measures of anti-Hispanic attitudes were  52  per cent
explicit and 57 per cent implicit). .  .  .  An inmate on death
row in Ohio pleaded that he weighs 480 pounds and faces
torturous death on execution  (the state said he weighs only
396 and can handle it). 
.  .  . A Palestinian was killed by a
cow he was trying to slaughter in the Muslim celebration of
Eid al-Adha in Gaza.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Table top sex Tiffani Lynn Barganier, Jeremie Calo, Orlando, Florida
    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports:
Susan Tedeschi fucks up the National Anthem
                                                                                                                             Susan Tedeschi fucks up the National Anthem

Third-string quarterback  Cardale  Jones  of the
Ohio State University  football  team  "tweeted,"
"Why should we have to go to class if we come
here to play football?   We  ain't  come  to  play
school.  Classes are pointless." . . .

Despite what you read in the Globe headline a-
bove,  Dale Earnhardt Jr.  has been cleared by
doctors to race at Martinsville, Virginia, today.
. . .

            Haley Jurich, field hockey hottie
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Haley Jurich, field hockey hottie

Dear Eleanor:
When my husband and I married, I thought I had hit the
jackpot in mothers-in-law.  We were becoming friends,
going shopping together, etc.  Boy, was I wrong.  Now
five years later I can't stand her.  Just  15  minutes  with
her sends me over the edge. She's rude and judgmental
and gossips like a teen-ager, about everyone.

She put together a cookbook for me filled with my hus-
band's  favorite   recipes.  After  trying  half a dozen of
them and failing at every one, I realized she had added
or omitted certain ingredients in every single one. I ask-
ed,  and she told me  she just wanted her son to prefer
her cooking over mine.

Then she took our son to see Santa Claus for the very
first time without asking or telling us. I found out about
it months later when I looked through her scrapbook.

My husband can't stand to be around her either. She
makes us want to move away.
                                                        Ready to Pack
Dear Packy:
                                So, what were you and Sonny doing at
                                Christmas that you  were  too  busy  to
                                take your little boy to see Santa Claus?

                                The next time he complains about your
                                cooking, tell him to take you out to din-

Unopened e-mail last week included a message
from "Eolanda Kuzma"
        titled "Staley Kihrcmaier."


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  toads  and  frogs
from Jadwiga's back yard ("Ribbit!").

Yard toad
                                            [photo by Jadwiga]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

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Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor

cow masks

October 21, 2012
:      Things you would never know if you did not   
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket  –  this week's headlines  (this week's issue brought to
you by Jeffers cow masks!):

Found: O.J. murder weapon; Bill begs Monica: 'Don't write


Tony Dean wrote Tues 10/16/12 @10:17 CDT:
Odd – even when my e-mail program displayed Tabloid
Headlines in last week's  text-only  format,  it left out the
space between the period of one sentence and the begin-
ning of the next.  It also failed to  start  "bullets"  on  new
lines.  See this (if you can):
TWO TIMING TAYLOR! o Cheats on boy friend Conor
with his cousin Patrick o Her bizarre Kennedy obsession
rips family apart [courtesy the Star]
PDF is about the only medium you can trust to present
your content as you expect.  And,  there are free PDF
converters available.  The downside of PDF is the gen-
erated document size. . . .

MS Outlook, which I use to manage my gmail account,
presents everything faithfully. Occasionally I read my e-
mail via the Firefox browser using the native gmail soft-
ware.  It is an extremely primitive tool, although superi-
or to Outlook in filtering spam.
@10:25 CDT:
Just noticed that a message in the header of my Outlook
presentation of TH reads, "Extra line breaks in this mes-
sage were removed."  This probably explains the unfor-
tunate formatting of bullets.
and @10:30 CDT:
But when I uncheck "unwrap text" in Outlook options,
the text presents faithfully:  All bullets begin on the next
line and spaces re-appear between sentences. So, one
cannot even trust "plain text" (whatever that is).

Funny.  We didn't use the "bullet" tool to begin with.  We merely
gave the text returns ("Enter") and began the next two lines with
lower case o's and spaces  (the "bullet,"  bold, italic, underscore
and other tools even  disappear  when we select Options / For-
mat / Plain Text Only, as we did in composing last week's issue).

Several readers suggested PDF's. We would regard a fixed doc-
ument size (if that's what you mean) as a plus, not a minus.  But
we see other potential downsides to PDF's.  Publishing by PDF
would require readers to open a PDF – an extra step that ought
not be required of newspaper readers. Besides, just composing
in  PDF  could be a bitch.  Yeah,  all you have to do is compose
and then convert;  but every time you had an addition or correc-
tion to make, you'd have to recompose and reconvert, wouldn't
                                                                                        – Editor

Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 10/15/12 @02:44 PDT:
The formatting was fine in last week's "plain text" edition,
and  the  ALL  CAPS  words showed up on me iPhone.
However,  there were a number of  spaces  missing  be-
tween the period ending a sentence and the first letter of
the following sentence.

Graphics 1, 2 and 3 were identical except 3 had no head-
line type in bold.

BUT, I must say I very much like TH as is. Or was? (Can
you see "as is" in bold as sent?  How about the italics?)

I rather liked the funky formatting to which we had become
accustomed. I thought you were being avant-garde.

Hyperlinks would be sorely missed;  I enjoy taking time to
explore the background stories  to your oft-intriguing sum-
maries of interesting news. 
Having to manually type URL's
into a browser is a bit tricky  on  me  iPhone,  especially if
long, because failing memory requires a lot of toggling back
and forth  between the TH newsletter in the e-mail app and
the browser app.  Lack  of  hyperlinks  and  inability to cut
and paste text  is  my  single  biggest  complaint  with other
news sources such as the Guardian and similar apps.

Get with the times - roll with the wonks who love your wares.

The same thing happened to us with no spaces between sentences
on our receipt of our copy by e-mail.  But if you look at the "plain
text" issue on line, you'll find the spaces (double spaces, even). Go

And both your boldface and your italics are coming through.

We think you overlooked a few things in the three graphics present-
ing the format issues, though. The headline fonts in 1 and 2 both are
bold, but they are different (it's Arial Black, a solid sans serif banner
headline font,  in No. 1;  it's a slightly serifed font in No. 2  (perhaps
Americana BT?  Honey Boo Boo).    And when we look at our
own headlines on Firefox, we see a heavily serifed font.

And take another look at how the text does not wrap neatly around
the photo in "Dumb news from Indiana" in Nos. 2 and 3.  It's not as
bad in No. 3, but it's still wrong.  Also, see how the size of the cap-
tion does not match up with the size of the photo  in  "Dumb  News
from Kentucky" in Nos. 2 and 3.

The solution we are contemplating (and experimenting with in this is-
sue) is:

1. To insert graphics (all JPEG's)  of all headlines  (neither you nor
    your computer  nor your browser  could convert Arial Black to
    something else if it was a picture of Arial Black; and the credits
    – e.g., "[courtesy National Enquirer]" – would line up as inten-
    ded).  Very few of our headlines contain links; and for those that
    do need links, we can link the entire JPEG.

2. To create our embedded-graphics tables  (e.g.,  the "perp of the
    week" photo of Bridgette Sims in the "Dumb news from Indiana"
    sample)  all  in  graphics.  That would deprive us of the ability to
    insert  multiple  links  in tables,  but we think we might be able to
    use some editorial imagination to get around that problem.

This solution assumes, however, that our readers can see our graph-
ics in line, as we insert them.  We dunno.  Do some still see these as
"attachments" rather than "inserts"?

We were kidding about making you "hunt and peck" the hyperlinks.
We  wouldn't want to make our loyal and beloved readers  type  in

Thank you for your encouragement, and thanks to all for your con-
cerns and suggestions.
                                                                                            – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana :
A skinny inmate (weight: 100 pounds) fled the Henry County Jail
in New Castle through a hole in the roof.
. . .

A consent decree in a federal court requires Brookville's Franklin
County High School and nine of its athletic opponents to schedule
girls' basketball games on Friday and Saturday nights, just like the
boys' (Tabloid Headlines did not find the names of all the schools,
but they included Lawrenceburg and Batesville). . . .

An I-Pad photo, seen by middle school students, of a woman tea-
cher "partially exposed from the neck down" was deemed not por-
nographic by police and school officials in Anderson; and the four
students who reported the "topless photo" were suspended for un-
authorized use of a school I-Pad – which  pulled  the  photo  from
an "I-Cloud," where it had been
sent from the teacher's cell phone.
(Sorry,  none  of the news sources  published  the  photo.  But the
Business Insider  published a photo captioned  "
Not  the  iPad  in
question. Not the photo in question," and the Huffington Post and
others published a video of  outraged  commentary  by one of the
students and his mother.)
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A resident reported photographic evidence of a mountain lion seen
at Bengal, in Shelby County, but it turned out to be a hoax.

           [courtesy Indianapolis Star, which called it "mountain lyin' "]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader  who pleaded guilty to having sex
with a 17-year-old boy, a student at a northern Kentucky high school
where she taught, has sued the web site TheDirty.com for defamation
over allegations of promiscuity.
                                                                                        [courtesy AP]

Perp of the week: Shayna Hubers, 21
Kevin Pennington, hate crime victim
Robert W. Wilson, 23, jail escapee

Most wanted: Leanna Smith, 31, WF, 5'3", 140 lbs
Perp of the week: Shayna Hubers, 21, of Lexington, is charged with murder in the shooting death of her boy friend, Ryan Poston, a 29-year-old lawyer, in the dining room of his home in Highland Heights, near Cincinnati.  Kevin Pennington, 29, was kidnapped and assaulted by two men, 37 and 20, cousins, and two 19-year-old women, wife and sister of the younger cousin, in Kingdom Come State Park in Harlan County. The two women pleaded guilty to a "hate crime"; and the two men are on trial in federal court. "You deserve this!"  Robert W. Wilson, 23, doiing tme for rape, walked out of the Hardin County Jail in Elizabethtown, when an officer left him alone in a room with the door unlocked, but was recaptured a week later. Lexington's most wanted: Leanna Smith, 31, WF, 5'3", 140 lbs (Herald-Leader, Fayette County Sheriff).

Quotation of the week:
"Lance Armstrong won the world bicycling championship, overcame tes-
 ticular cancer, then went on to win the
Tour de France seven years in a
 row, run marathons and triathlons, and head a major anti-cancer founda-
 tion; and now he has become the 'anti-doping' poster child
.   Doesn't his
 career suggest, instead, that we should all be doping?"

                                                                                             – Barry Wood

Quotations of the weak:
"I went to a number of women's groups and said, 'Can you help us find folks?'
 and they brought us whole binders full of women."
                                                                                                – Mitt Romney
Binders full of women

"You couldn't, of course, stab a burglar if they were unconscious.

                                        – British Prime Minister David Cameron, mitigating his support for
                                            a bill to raise the level of self-defense available to a homeowner

"There's an app for that!"
Found in a bottle of aspirin:  "PillowPak:  Contains a harmless ad-
sorbent for humidity and odor. Do Not Eat."  Emphasis ours (???).

Kim Kardashian, 32
Amy Carter, 45
Erin Moran, 51
Tom Petty, 62
Judge Judy, 70
Willie Horton, 70 (no, not that Willie Horton, this Willie Horton)
Chuck Berry, 86
Angela Lansbury, 87
Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A woman aquabiking off the French Riviera was attacked by
an octopus. . . . A group in
Mosfellsbær,  Iceland,  proposed
vulva museum  to counter a phallological museum in Reyk-
javík (and suggested inviting the band Pussy Riot to dedicate
it). .  .  . Firemen at a station in Detroit called a taxi to take a
confessed multiple shooting suspect to  a police station  after
police failed for two hours to arrive to arrest him. . . .  A zoo
in Miami, Florida, was letting orangutans order their meals on
i-Pads. .  .  . An anti-Semitic Hungarian member of the Euro-
pean Parliament resigned upon learning that  he  was  Jewish.
. . .  A speech by Prime Minister Julia Gillard prompted Aus-
tralia's leading dictionary to add "entrenched prejudice against
" to the definition of "misogyny," which most dictionar-
ies define simply as "hatred of women." .  .  . The Dalai Lama
urged his listeners at  Brown  University  to share his thoughts
with others if they found them interesting; if not, he said, they
could "forget it"  – but the caption on a giant screen said they
could "fuck it."
   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, APand Funny Times  (we know that
    some of you would like more hyperlinks  to the items above,  but
    some of them came from the print journal
Funny Times' News of
    the Weird page, without HTML links (
the editors of Tabloid Head-
    lines do regard Funny
Times as a credible journal,  and so do our
s and occasional contributors Leo and Connie Harbeson)]

The sports:
A spectator was arrested  for not enjoying a men's bicy-
cle race at the Olympics in London (turned out he had a
case of Parkinson's, with facial rigidity). . . .

The third round of the National League baseball playoffs
was broadcast on television (the American League play-
offs remained on cable and satellite).

Dear Eleanor:

My mother gives each of her kids and grandkids a spe-
cific amount of money for Christmas.  As far as any of
us knew, it was always an equal amount.  But last year
two grandchildren got more money.   The others found
out and were hurt.

Those two grandchildren lost their father that year. As

bad as we felt for them, we feel this should have noth-
ing to do with the money they get from Grandma. My
sister is well off, and they did not need more money.

We've noticed also  that  Mom pays for a lot of things

for my sister and her kids, including hotel bills and air
fares, while the rest of us pay our own way.

My brothers and I know that Mom can do whatever

she wants to with her money,  but don't we have the
right to let her know how much it hurts our kids that
she favors their cousins?
                                               Crushed at Christmas
Dear Cruscilla:
                               You know, you're right!  I think you should
                                sue  your  mother.  And maybe you can ar-
                                range it with  the  Sheriff  to serve the sum-
                                mons at the dinner table on Christmas Eve.

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Desmond Pudenz"

        and "Jacintha Aristophanes."


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Groucho the Cow.


    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)

Tree frog on the ground
Tree frog on the ground on Pewee Ridge, following Pete Falcon's advice to "stay out of the trees" in Mohawk (photo by Jadwiga)

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

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Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor

October 14, 2012:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

o Cheats on boy friend Conor with his cousin Patrick
o Her bizarre Kennedy obsession rips family apart
[courtesy the Star]

200 lb. Kirstie collapses [courtesy National Enquirer]

Bombshell book reveals:
Liz's shocking secrets
o Her AFFAIR with Reagan
o She HATED Shirley Temple
[courtesy the Globe]

Marie Osmond electric shock treatments
[courtesy National Enquirer]

Obama and Romney: What they're hiding
o Baby scancal threatens presidency and marriage
o Mitt's humiliating arrest in a public park
[courtesy the Globe]

Honey Boo Boo kidnap plot [courtesy National Enquirer]

CVS pharmacy technician charged with taking pills [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Indiana:  A group calling itself Bloomington United for Common-Sense Urban Planning (BUCK UP) has opposed a plan to control the wild deer population in Bloomington, site of Indiana University, that includes sharp-shooters. [courtesy Associated Press] . . . A 5-year-old in kindergarten at a charter school in Indianapolis, on her first day riding a school bus (operated by a private contractor), was dropped off 4-1/2 miles from home and spent 45 minutes knocking on strangers' doors trying to phone home (the driver "made a mistake," the company president said). http://www.indystar.com/article/20121010/NEWS04/210100344/Bus-driver-who-let-child-off-wrong-stop-made-mistake-company-president-says?odyssey=mod|newswell|text|Indianapolis%20News|p . . . The State Excise Police said that their mission in busting illegal drinking on college campuses is to "essentially change behavior" (the unit was formed in 1933, at the end of Prohibition, as an enforcement arm of the state's Alcohol and Tobacco Commission). http://www.indystar.com/article/20121007/NEWS04/210070363/Excise-enforcement-effort-targets-binge-drinking-tailgating-Indiana-college-campuses?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Indianapolis%20News . . . A Muncie man could not get a voter photo ID because his mother changed his name when he was a year old. http://www.indystar.com/article/20121011/NEWS05/210120335/Indiana-s-voter-ID-law-sets-stage-legal-battle-goes-back-name-change?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|Indianapolis%20News [courtesy Indianapolis Star] . . . Erin (Joanie Cunningham) Moran, 52, got into a street brawl with her mother-in-law after trying to break back into the latter's trailer in New Salisbury. [courtesy National Enquirer]

Dumb news from Kentucky:  Sixteen freshmen and sophomores at Rowan County High School, both boys and girls, were ordered not to use cell phones the rest of the school year, and some were suspended from athletic contests, for "sexting." . . . The Democratic National Committee accused a central Kentucky congressional candidate of lying on a state job application in saying he had no criminal record other than minor traffic violations (Andy Barr pleaded guilty, at age 19, to driving on a fake license and was ordered to do community service). [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Quotations of the week:

"I like V-necks -- but I'm not a guy trying to avoid looking gay." -- Jeanetta Girard

"You know who likes debates?  De fishes." -- Big Bird.

Quotations of the weak:

"These Chicago guys will do anything -- can't debate, so change the employment numbers" -- Jack Welch

"Temperatures now easing into the 50's, but a frost advisory remains in effect until 8 a.m. -- Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky., at 5 a.m.

"Butterworth wrote nearly 40 opus works before his death in World War I." -- Ward Jacobson, Music Through the Night, Minnesota Public Radio

"On the campaign trail vice presidential candidates Paul Ryan and Joe Biden each have played the role of attack dog" -- Audie Cornish, National Public Radio

"Ari Shapiro, NPR News, Cohaga Falls, Ohio." (He was trying to say -- or, perhaps not trying to say -- Cuyahoga Falls.  Try "Cohaga Falls" in Google -- you'll get approximately 9,650,000 results for Cuyahoga Falls.)

Tanya Tucker, 54
Sigourney Weaver, 63
Jesse Jackson (Sr.), 71
John Lennon (1940-1980)
Dick Gregory, 80
Dottie West (1932-1991)
Adlai E. Stevenson III, 82
Margaret Thatcher, 87
Pylyp Orlyk (1672-1742)
Borf's weekly bonus:  The Connecticut Supreme Court overturned a rape conviction holding that the retarded and physically infirm victim could have bitten her attacker. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2212996/Outrage-man-jailed-raping-disabled-woman-communicate-tapping-index-finger-FREED-court-ruled-BIT-say-advances.html . . . A 32-year-old man died after winning a cockroach-eating contest at a reptile emporium in Deefield Beach, Florida (he had competed in a worm-eating contest earlier in the evening. . . .  Wendy's won the drive-through speed test in a review by a fast food business magazine, with an average of 2 minutes and 10 seconds per customer.  Burger King trailed McDonald's 3:21 to 3:09.  "Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce; special orders don't upset us," a Burger King spokesman explained ("Have it your way!" quipped National Public Radio's Steve Inskeep).  But the survey found also that Burger King was the least accurate in getting orders right ("Have it some way!" quipped Inskeep). . . . Alexis Wright, 29, was arrested for running a house of prostitution in her Zumba studio in Kennebunk, Maine. . . . Governor Rick Scott of Florida, announcing an 866 telephone number for meningitis victims, instead gave out the toll-free number for a sex hot line. . . . A 1-foot piece of uncooked processed chicken from the sky plunked a teen-ager on the head as she rode horseback on Virginia's Eastern Shore (a seagull and a nearby Tyson Foods plant were among the suspects), and a softball-sized eyeball washed ashore at Pompano Beach, Florida (whales and squids were under suspicion). [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, NPR, AP, Snopes]

The sports: Spinning Love, a 2-year-old running his first
horse race, threw his rider shortly out of the gate at Santa Anita and took off the wrong way along the inside rail, meeting and disrupting the pack in the stretch (all wagers were refunded, including $267,507 in daily doubles).

Dear Eleanor:

My boy friend of seven months recently ended things
suddenly.  "Ethan" is Mormon, and I'm Lutheran  We were planning a future together.  Ethan claims he has to go on a mission  and  cannot prepare to do God's work while having a girl friend.

But here's the thing. He started hanging out with "Su
san" the same month he broke up with me.  She's a Mormon.  He denies there is anything "betwee them."

I don't feel like Ethan is telling me the truth.  He's al
ready ripped out my heart; can't he at least be honest?

-- Lutheran and Lonesome on Laguna Beach

Dear Luthy:

A Mormon?  Honest?

Unopened e-mail last week included two messages from Delta Air Lines titled "Your order #NR5225 is processed" and "Your order is ready."

Discussion group:  Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include
Spinning Love and his jockey, Alonso Quinonez.

A word on the typography of this week's issue:

It has come to our attention recently that not all our subscribers see this weekly internet newsletter in the format in which we send it -- perhaps none of you.  And that not everyone, if anyone, even sees it on line in the format in which we post it.  Because of idiosyncratic computer, browser and personal settings of fonts, display sizes and such.  And perhaps even because of "chickification," as Rush Limbaugh might say.  The most insidious of these devices is the choice of fonts you see, made by your computer and your browser and not by the publisher.  The most nefarious is a user device called "zoom text only."  Both will throw a editor and publisher's carefully crafted tables combining text and graphics entirely out of whack.

To HELL with that!  Fuck the internet.

If you cannot see Tabloid Headlines in the form in which Tabloid Headlines is meant to be seen, you are not seeing Tabloid Headlines.  The medium is the message, and the fucking message is Tabloid Fucking Headlines.

Our own minisurvey suggests that Internet Explorer and Google Chrome display Tabloid Headlines and other web sites more truly than Firefox does.  But maybe that's only on our own computer, on which Firefox is the "default" browser.

To make our point we have intentionally not "inserted" graphics
in this issue, as we usually do.  Instead we have appended "attachments" to this e-mail.  Following the news and sports photos are three graphics to show you what we are talking about.  Maybe you will be able to see them; maybe not.

Graphic No. 1 ("watwesee.jpg") is an example of what we see when we create Tabloid Headlines, and what we want you to see.

Graphic No. 2 ("watusee1.jpg") is an example of what some of you probably see instead.

And g
raphic No. 3 ("watusee2.jpg") is an example of what some others of you probably see instead.

Not only have Windstream.net and other alleged internet "servers" been censoring the transmissions, but Microsoft, Apple and others have even been PRE-censoring the PRESENTATION.

That is why, in protest, this issue is being presented in simple fixed-width text and text only (not HTML, if we have any control over THAT).   When the wonks and the consumers have gained the control of the editing, it is time for the editors to pack it in.  OFF the wonks.  (Have you noticed that we are using all capital letters instead of italics to make our points?  We can't even trust ITALICS any more.  By the way, can you SEE the ALL-CAPS words?  Or is this WHOLE MESSAGE coming to you in all caps or all lower case?)

We will be experimenting with posting Tabloid Headlines on line as GRAPHICS ONLY so that internet and browser settings and your "personal" settings cannot mess with it.  You wouldn't get those handy little HTML links that way, but we could post them in the graphics for you to retype in your browser address line if you really need them.  "Copy and paste" wouldn't work though, would it?  Ha! Ha!

We are thinking also of going to a print-only edition, which we could send you by the U.S. mail (as Little Susie was asked to do with "Dead Flowers" in the Townes Van Zandt song performed by the Rolling Stones).  We already have one U.S. mail subscriber (it's our friend Dusty Hopkins, who is doing life in a Texas prison without access to the internet).  If you would send us your U.S. mail postal address, we could continue to send you Tabloid Headlines every week by U.S. mail (as long as U.S. mail lasts – which, by the reports we have been reading recently, may not be for long) -- at no cost to you if you'd send us an affidavit of need (as Ms. Hopkins has done).

In any event, please do what you can for the U.S. mail.  As Jim Morrison said, you CANNOT petition the LORD with PRAYER!  But you CAN petition the CONGRESS with PETITION (and, more effectively, with an old "app" called "Vote the rascals out").  PRESERVE the U.S. MAIL.  It was never meant to make a profit, let alone pay its own way in the UPS-FedEx market.  Ask the ghost of Benjamin Franklin.  He knew about UPS and FedEx long before he died (which was long before they were born).

Unfortunately you would not have convenient hyperlinks to strange news in our mailed edition, either; but that would not mean that you could not get links.  We would send Tabloid Headlines as a Microsoft Word document; the links would show up in blue (or yellow, or mauve, or chartreuse, depending on your own "personal" settings); and if you would take the trouble to scan your mailing into digital format on your own "personal" computer, or type the links into your "browser," you might find that the links would still work.

We have heard of sophisticated, relatively expensive HTML-writing software that can force viewers to see it as we write it; but we're not sure we believe that.  We have not found a web site that we cannot alter the view of.  However, we have found, viewing sites other than our own, that Internet Explorer and Google Chrome present different fonts
from those seen on Firefox; and it appears to us that IE and Google Chrome are more likely to present what the creator intended and that Firefox will not present fonts on line that you do not have installed on your own computer (and also not some that you even DO have).

Hank T. Hebhoe, Publisher
Natty Bumppo, Editor
Tabloid Headlines
a (former?) publication of Borf Books










October 7, 2012:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines (if things look a little dif-
ferent this week, it may because we're broadcasting from a new
computer, with new default fonts forced on us – Arial Black in-
stead of Arial MT Black for headlines, and Times New Roman
instead of "variable width" based on a default Times font for bo-
dy type. More likely you won't notice. More on that next week):

John Edwards and
mistress reunite

                                       [courtesy National Enquirer]

 Andy  Williams'
Shocking reason Ethel Kennedy
        refused to marry him

                          [courtesy the Globe]

Dumb news from Indiana
State Excise Police arrested 58 persons in a raid on the Indiana State
University campus in Terre Haute (most of them for illegal use of alco-
hol, but one of them for juvenile possession of tobacco). . . .

A middle school in Martinsville was shut down over student texts of
an  impending  shooting,  and the high school in  Mooresville  (John
Dillinger's home town, also in Morgan County) was swept by police
twice in a week,  first after one student  (boy? girl? The Indianapolis
Star didn't say, and neither did any other central Indiana news medi-
um on line)  threatened others on Clutterbook  Facebook,  and then
after a drawing of a bomb with a date was found on a restroom wall
(the boys' room?  the girls' room?  The Indianapolis Star  didn't  say,
and neither did any other central Indiana news medium on line). . . .

Sixteen dogs died in a house fire on Indianapolis' west side (four per-
sons and one dog survived). . . .

This statue of a break dancer,  installed in front of the Avenue apart-
ment building in Indianapolis  just  days  before a Purdue University
student fell to his death from the 5th floor of the building, has been

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Dumb news from Kentucky
The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant in Williamsburg was closed after
a customer called the health department to report a dead deer – road
kill from I-75 – being wheeled into the kitchen.
                                                                             [courtesy WKYT]

Hardin County, the site of Fort Knox, well west of central Kentucky's
Bluegrass region  and  a good 200 miles from eastern Kentucky,  was
added to the Appalachian High Intensity Drug Trafficking Area by the
Office of National Drug Control Policy  (
Bowling Green  and Louis-
ville, in the same longitude about 50 miles
south and north of Hardin
County, respectively, were added earlier to "Appalachia"). . . .

A World War II LST ran aground on the Cumberland River in west-

ern Kentucky on its way back to its home port in Evansville, Indian-
a, with 42 crew members stranded aboard.

                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]
Most wanted in

Berdenia Johnston,
WF,  30,  5' 5",
125 lbs.
"Perp of the week"!  
[courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]


Quotation of the week:
"Ahmadinejad gave a long, rambling speech.  Previously we've walked out
 because of his anti-Semitism, threats against Israel and 9/11 conspiracies.
 This year his only crime was incoherence."
                                                                             – a European Union emissary to the United
                                                                                Nations speaking anonymously according
                                                                                to his ministry’s guidelines

Quotation of the weak:
"Y'all better vote for fucking Obama, OK?  For better or for worse, we have
  a black Muslim in the White House. That's some amazing shit."
                                                                                                                          – Madonna

"There's an app for that!"
The Teachers Foundation of Malaysia held seminars for parents and teachers on how
to spot homosexual tendencies, noting that gay men favor V-necks and big handbags.

Kelly Ripa, 42
Gillian Welch, 45
Vladimir Putin, 60
Britt Ekland, 70
Ernest Evans (Chubby Checker), 71
Julie Andrews, 77
LeRoi Jones (Amiri Baraka), 78
Jimmy Carter, 88

's weekly BONUS:
Police responding to a disturbance in Butler, Pennsylvania,
were bonked by a case of beer  thrown by a woman from
an upstairs window. .  .  .  A woman strolling,  texting  and
smoking fell from a 60-foot cliff to a narrow beach  with
the tide coming in in Kodiak, Alaska. . . .A theater in Bes-
canó,  Catalan,  was selling carrots for tickets to avoid an
increase in Spain's sales tax  (food is exempt).  . . . A de-
fense contractor  in  Virginia  killed his wife and two teen-
age sons to spare their living in a second term under Pres-
ident Obama,  and then committed suicide. . . . A billion-
aire in Hong Kong offered a $65 million marriage bounty
to any man who could woo  his  lesbian  daughter  away
from her wife. .  .  .  A 70-year-old farmer was eaten by
his hogs in Oregon.  . . . University of Tennessee fraterni-
ty boys were ingesting alcoholic beverage by  enema  for
a quick drunk.  . . .  A man got his head stuck in a road-
side trash can in Aberdeen, Scotland (sorry, no pix). . . .
    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports:
The quarterback of Kentucky State University, in Chicago for
a football showcase,  was  arrested  for  groping a hotel maid
and missed the game  against Albany State University,  which
won,  17-14. . . .

Veteran Major League  baseball  umpires  made the National
Football League's "replacement" referees look astute  in  the
opening game of the playoffs. . . .


Dear Eleanor:
Why do I still have to go to school?
                                                             Jacob, 14
Dear Jake:
                        Because you're still a dumb little snot.

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "James Jamie"

        and "Amandy Teal."


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the Scotsman who
behaved like a raccoon (if we can find him).

                                                                                       [Tabloid Headlines photo]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor