Pamela wrote Sun 9/23/12 @10:27:32 EDT:

That's a P.O.W.-M.I.A. flag your photograph showed flying at
the Brownsville Post Office.

Ditto from Patricia Mon 9/24/12 @16:56 CDT.

We don't understand.  Why would Muslim extremists run up an M.I.A.
flag at an American post office?  And why would they fly it under Old
Glory?

By the way, the same day we took that photo, we drove half the length
of Kentucky and did not see another American flag at half-staff,  let  a-
lone one flying over a Muslim or M.I.A. flag.
                                                                                                – Editor

Bridgette Sims, 23 years old, 8 months pregnant, and in jail for shoplifting in New Albany,  es- caped  when she was taken to a hospital with a narcotic reac- tion. . . . A trucker drove a semitrailer through  a covered bridge  in DeKalb  County,  shattering the  139-years-old  wooden structure. . . . Seven employees of the emer- gency room at Riley Children's

Perp of the week:  Bridgette Sims

Hospital in Indianapolis became ill from an unknown substance  (the
ER was shut down).
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Instead of granting an exact "change of venue" for a man accused of
serial murder of women, a judge in New Albany ordered that jurors
be brought in from Dearborn County,  70  miles  up  the Ohio River.
"Dearborn is outside our print and electronic media," the judge said,
"and it’s my hope that it remains that way." So, where will the jurors
stay during the trial? At a hotel in New Albany across the river from
Louisville,  whence came the media frenzy that triggered the motion
for change of venue.  They'll be "sequestered," of course. . . .

                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

 
    Bitch of the week: Assistant Commonwealth's Attorney Erin Mc-
    Kenzie makes closing argument in the Jefferson County Circuit
    Court at sentencing of Mollie Shouse, who got 35 years for mur-
    der for leaving her 2-year-old boy in a sweltering automobile as
    she lay  zonked  on drugs for 12 hours in her apartment (defen-
    dant's family at left; at far left is her mother, Susan Boyd).

                                    [David Lutman photo for Courier-Journal]

A man was arrested at a middle school football game in Clay County
for taking photographs of cheerleaders from the waist down. . . .

Two hundred fifty-three tax breaks  deprive the state of $12 billion a
year in revenue, more than goes into the general and road funds com-
bined, according to a governor's commission. . . .

The license of a Boone County physician was suspended after 14 pa-
tients, aged 30 to 59, died of drug overdoses in three years. . . .

Urine tests required by a new law for people getting prescriptions for
"controlled substances" were costing $533 each, and insurance com-
panies were refusing to pay.
                                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Churchill Downs (venue of the Kentucky Derby, in Louisville) sued the
State of Texas in federal court  in  Austin  in an attempt to unblock the
Texas Racing Commission's blockage of the Downs' internet wagering
system in Texas.
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"How do you pronounce 'Garrard'?" (answer to last week's dumb news
 puzzler about Garrard County):

It's "Garrod" (first syllable same as first syllable of "Gary").
"Garrard" rhymes with the masculine name "Jared" (some-
times spelled "Jarrod," but pronounced the same).

"Are we supposed to not do that news?"
                                                                    – Gérard Biard, editor of Charlie Hebdo

"Honey, I'm already more famous than you."
                                                                            – Hudspeth County, Texas, Sheriff’s spokes-
                                                                                man Rusty Fleming to Fiona Apple

"In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the
 civilized man. Support Israel.  Defeat Jihad."
                                                                                                – Sarah Geller, in subway ads

"I mean, the chickification, everything else."
                                                                          – Rush Limbaugh

"I have drank alcohol."
                                        – Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson

Download Einstein's brain.

Serena Williams, 31
Moon Unit Zappa, 45
Jean-Luc Ponty, 70
Anita Ekberg, 81
Elie Wiesel, 84
Johnny Appleseed (1774-1845)

The giant panda kitten (4 oz.) at the National Zoo in Wash-
ington, D.C., died. . . . The Louvre opened a wing dedica-
ted to Islamic art. . . . Twenty Pakistanis were killed at ral-
lies for the new Love for the Prophet Day. .  .  .  Iran plan-
ned to block Google and build its own internet. . . . Anoth-
er hunter was shot in the butt by his own dog, in Bordeaux
(a similar incident  in  Utah  was reported in last December
25's issue of Tabloid Headlines).  . . .  A 15-year-old Lon-
don school girl ran off with her 30-year-old male math tea-
cher. . . . A man cleaning a trout he caught in Priest Lake in
Idaho found a finger that was traced by fingerprint to a man
in Washington who had  lost  four  fingers  in a towline loop
when  he was wake-boarding on the lake  nearly  3 months
earlier. .  .  . A man dressed as the  Burger  King  entered a
McDonald's  in Rome,  Georgia,  and handed out free ham-
burgers.  . . . Playboy ranked Thomas Jefferson's University
of Virginia the nation's No. 1 party school. (No Indiana col-
lege made  the  top  ten,  and the next 90 seem to be a state
secret – let us know if you find them.   West Virginia Univer-
sity was ranked No. 1 in the  Princeton  Review's  list).  .  .  .
The Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company offered Lindsay Lo-
han free driving lessons  (and Lohan said she was suing a ho-
tel cook for falsely reporting she hit him with her Porsche). ...
A patch of soil in a back yard in Roseville, Michigan, was be-
ing examined for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker went on Twaddle Twitter
to demand the return of union referees to the National Foot-
ball League after Green Bay's loss to Seattle.

I am appalled by my own offspring. My son is 30, and my
daughter-in-law is 27. My grandchild is 16 months old.

We had been traveling and stopped at a restaurant.   While
we waited for our food, my son and his wife fed my grand-
child her dinner.   The end result was at least 10 pasta noo-
dles dropped on the carpeted floor under the table. I clean-
ed them up, but it should have been the job of my so-called
adult children to leave our table floor area clean.   They  felt
it was no big deal to leave the mess.

We most likely will never return to that restaurant, and they
won't remember us anyway.  But if it had been my place of
business,  I would have told us not to return  until  we  had
manners.  What do you say?
                                                   Angry and Embarrassed

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/16/12 @17:46 PDT:

What's dumb about roundabouts?  They work really well with proper
signage, as in England.

It's a dumb term, especially in a town called the "Circle City." The term "circle"
is clearer,  and it fits better in headlines  (e.g., "Cop killed going wrong way on
circle").  – Ed.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/16/12 @18:00 PDT:

" . . . my  secretary's  husband's wife, Janie . . . "?  Wouldn't Jane be
  the secretary??

There's your "roundabout"!  – Ed.


Anthony Dean wrote Mon 9/17/12 @10:48 CDT:

I haven't run  defrag  in quite a while,  but I think that graphic you
ridiculed in last week's issue is a color legend, not a user interface
– to show you what the lines on your screen represent.

Yeah, well, that's the point. They sure look like select and click boxes,
don't they?  Especially the white box.  Thanks, Steve and Bill, for ma-
king this all so clear to all of us.  – Ed.


Steve wrote Sun 9/16/12 @10:17:04 CDT:

We don't need a defrag app; we need a de-FAG app.

Four persons, named Lopez, Rodriguez and Veliz, were arrested
for masked armed robbery for holding up drivers and passengers
of four Amish buggies in Adams County.

                                     [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]

State Excise Police arrested 188 persons at Indiana University in
Bloomington last weekend,  for illegal possession of alcohol  and
false identification (no illegal nudity reported this time).

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

    
            Police have failed to produce a warrant they said
            they had to raid this  Lexington  smoke shop  for
            synthetic marijuana more than a month ago.

A farmer in Garrard County discovered a dead body in his field by
running over it with his bush hog.

                                            [courtesy Lexington Herald Leader]

[Tabloid Headlines contest!  A free subscription to the first reader to
 tell us correctly how to say  "Garrard"  (Gerry Blue,  we're counting
 on you to send us a voice mail or an mp3).]

Governor Stevie ordered flags flown at half-staff  in  memory of  the U.S. ambassador  and his crew slain in Libya.   And the Post Office in Brownsville flew the  black  flag  of  Islam right beneath it. [Tabloid Headlines photo –––>]

a

"My job is not to worry about those people."
                                                                             – Mitt Romney

"We will never have the elite, smart people on our side."
                                                                                        – Rick Santorum

Mei Xiang, the giant panda at the National Zoo in Washing-
ton, D.C.,  gave birth;  and all the news accounts were call-
ing the as yet unnamed baby a "cub."  But, shouldn't that be
"kitten"?

The genus of the giant panda is "Ailuropoda," which means
"cat-foot"  (and Ailuropoda is sui generis).  Giant panda a
"Felis," no; and, although there is a zoological movement to
transfer the animal to Ursidae  (bears),  it hasn't happened.
There has been progress, however:  The  original  genus  of
the giant panda was Procyonidae (raccoons).

Joan Jett, 52
Twiggy, 63
Leonard Cohen, 78
Gogi Grant, 88
Mickey Rooney, 92

Christopher Smith, of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, an attorney
and Democratic nominee for a state senate seat, is opposed
in the election by  Republican  nominee  Christopher Smith-
myer, also an attorney. . . .  A burglar drove a Bobcat front
end loader  through a window into a Family Dollar Store in
Chicago and walked out with two cans of deodorant and a
few gift cards. . . . A fourth-grade teacher in El Paso,  Tex-
as,  had students draw pictures  of planes hitting the World
Trade Center. "We had to draw people jumping out of win-
dows," one girl said (a boy's mother added, "He was under
the impression this happens every 9/11"). . . .A hermit died
in Carson City, Nevada, with $200 in the bank and $7 mil-
ion in gold in his house  (which  a substitute teacher cousin
stands to inherit). . . . A farmer and two sons,  including  a
rising rugby star,  died in a slurry pit in Northern Ireland (a
daughter survived).  .  .  . The public schools of Cranston,
Rhode Island,  banned father-daughter and mother-son e-
vents after a single mother complained of "gender discrim-
ination." .  .  .  Twenty riders were left dangling at 300 feet
for nearly four hours on  a  stalled  Windseeker  at Knott's
Berry Farm amusement park  in  Southern  California. . . .
The Army was testing body armor tailored for female sol-
diers (easier on the hips and thighs, and, ahem, the chest).
. . . The French satire magazine Charlie Hebdo published
cartoons showing Muhammad (Mohammed? Muhamad?
Mohamet? Mahmoud?)  nude and in pornographic poses
(French hostages were threatened in the Sahara, and Syr-
ians filed a legal complaint in Paris). . . .O'Hare Airport in
Chicago  was seeking a herd of sheep or goats to control
the weeds. .  .  . A West Virginia man was sentenced to a
mental  hospital  instead of prison  for kidnapping, raping,
and killing his neighbor's pygmy goat while  high  on  bath
salts. . . . A family in Largo,  Florida,  reported  retrieving
an eaten $300 from the feces of their pet beagle. .  .  .  A
woman was reported to have given birth to a  horse  at  a
church service in Nigeria. . . . A 25-year-old man jumped
from a moving monorail train into the Bronx Zoo and was
mauled by a tiger. . . . Paul Ryan was booed at the AARP
convention. .  .  . Lindsay Lohan struck a pedestrian in the
knee with her Porsche SUV at her hotel in Manhattan and
got  a  ticket  for leaving the scene of an accident after she
walked into the hotel.

Six months ago, I married a lovely young woman.   While  we
were engaged, "Nina" and I had several candid discussions a-
bout finances,  figuring that once we were married  she would
look for a job,  and we would split the household expenses e-
venly.   Her  parents  gave us a nice amount of money  to help
until she found a job.

Well, a few months after we married, Nina stopped looking for
work.   She suffers from chronic depression;  and it got so bad
she refused to apply for a job,  convinced  that  no one  would
hire  her.  She also refused counseling,  saying she couldn't af-
for it,  even  though  both her father and I offered to pay for it.
I have worked my best to keep a roof over our heads;  and  I
have even taken out loans to pay our bills, but I’m now $1,000
in debt.  Recently Nina's father gave her a large sum of money.
I asked her if she would use a small amount of it to pay one of
our bills, and she refused,  saying  this was her money  and she
could spend it on whatever she wanted.  That turned out to be
fast food and cigarettes.

Was I unreasonable to ask her for financial help?

                                                                    Broke in the Bronx

A woman stymied a repo man on Indianapolis' East
Side by climbing into her car and rocking and boun-
cing until one of the tow straps broke  and  the tow
truck's hydraulic lift was damaged. . . .

The Brownsburg schools' web site was hacked from
Iraq. . . .

Indianapolis will add half  a  dozen   more "roundabout"   inter- sections,  to replace four-way  stops,  to the  already famous Monument   Circle that gave it the nick- name  "Circle  City." The northern suburb of  Carmel   already has 57 roundabouts, with  34 more  plan- ned;  and  the  south suburb Beech Grove opened one last year.

                                   [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A doctor, Mahmoud Yousef Hindi, was indicted for shooting
two men to death at a homeowners association meeting  at a
church in Louisville.
                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

An arrest warrant was issued  against  former Grateful Dead
drummer Mickey Hart for assault on his tour bus driver after
a show his band gave in Harrodsburg.

                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

See also quotation of the weak, below.

I found a horse turd, a great big horse turd,
And I took it with me to the County Fair;
It won the first prize, the third and fourth prize,
Because it was the only horse turd at the Fair!

Sung to the tune of – you know.  Actually, I did not find a horse
turd;  and I did not take one to the County Fair.   But I did take
my wife.  It's a bit of a tradition.  My wife likes to look at the 4-
H exhibits,  and I like to go for the loaded Polish sausage.   We
always go to the County Fair for lunch  the second Thursday or
Friday of September.

This year we were a little late.  It was after 4 p.m. We knew to
ask as we drove in – because Friday is School Day at the Fair,
when the schools are closed and children are admitted free all
day long, beginning at 10 in the morning, and the rides and the
midway would be closed for an hour or two  about  3 or 4 o'-
clock  to give the carnies a break  –  whether the fair was "o-
pen."  We saw that no rides were moving, and that there were
only two vehicles in the parking lot ahead of us.

I began to pull into the parking lot, and the fat man jumped out
of his chair across the drive and yelled at me.  He ran up to my
car to tell me we had to pay to get in – $10 per person.  I told
him I didn't mean to stiff him  and intended to pay after I park-
ed,  since he had not risen with his hand out  as I  approached.
But  he  seemed  so  aggravated  that  I handed him a $20 bill
through my car window,  right  there and then.  That is when I
asked him if the fair was "open."

"The rides are down," he said,  "but you can have something to
eat, and look around, until they resume."

Strolling down the midway, we found that to be a bit of an exag-
geration.  All the food concessions were closed as well. No Po-
ish, no ice cream, no cotton candy, no funnel cake.  And the ex-
hibits  were  closed,  too.   The doors to both barns were shut,
and locked.  We walked back to the parking lot.   I told the fat
man I thought we should get our money back.   He didn't make
much of an argument.  "Come back at 6,"  he said as he return-
ed my $20 bill.

"Past my bedtime," I replied.  We headed for Brownsville, and
Bertie's.  Got me a Chicago-style hot dog, made to order, and
French fries and ice cream for the wife.  All very good, and all
for a total of only $4.61. A lot better price than $20 plus what-
ever would have been the price of a Polish sausage, ice cream
and French fries at the Fair.

The poor little girl  at  Bertie's  was working both the drive-up
window and the walk-up window, and doing the cooking, too.
I tipped her a dollar  and  suggested,  "You need a union.   I'll
send an organizer down from Chicago."

"And,"  as  Jonell,  formerly of Brownsville,  said,  "they  think
they're  doin'  it  right."
                                                    – Editor, Tabloid Headlines

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then not invite George W. Bush, Dick
 Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay  to your quadrennial
 convention, you're not a political movement; you're a witness protection program."

                                                                                                                            – Bill Maher

"I don't care what Afghans say.  They don't speak the same language."

                                                     – Marine Cpl. Dakota Meyer, Medal of Honor recipient, of
                                                        Greensburg, Ky., responding to recent assertions by nine
                                                        Afghan soldiers who survived the battle that won him the
                                                        award disputing official accounts cited for the award

    This graphic appears on Windows XP's "defrag" program.
    Which box do you "click," and why?

Jennifer Nettles, 38
Dina Lohan, 50
Sister Joni Sledge, 57 (or 56, or 60)
Tony Dean, 66
José Feliciano, 67
Maria Muldaur, 69
Mickey Lolich, 72
Miss Manners, 74
Arnold Palmer, 83
Lauren Bacall, 87
Rin Tin Tin (1918-1932)
Marco Polo (1254-1324)

Amanda Jean Linscott, a hooker in Port Charlotte, Flor- ida, pulled a gun on her john as she gave him a blow job riding in his car and fled on foot after the vehicle  hit  a palm  tree,  went  airborne,  and  plowed  through two front yards (she was found and arrested later – for arm- ed robbery). ... A 14-year-old boy took a swim through a quarter-mile of sewer pipe in Cleveland, Ohio.. . . Jew Pond,  at Mont Vernon, New Hampshire,  was renamed Carleton Pond. . . .  Sheryl  Crow  said she developed a brain tumor from use of a cell phone.  .  .  .  Clutterbook Facebook took down the New Yorker's cartoon page o- ver an entry showing Eve's nipples. . . . A mother in Phil- adelphia, Pennsylvania, was cited for public urination af- ter her 2-year-old son peed against a lamppost. . . . The "Bucket List Bandit,"  who had robbed banks in 9 states from Utah to Pennsylvania  telling  tellers  he  had only a few months to live, was caught in a routine traffic stop in Roland,  Oklahoma. .  .  . In a scientific reassessment of weather records, the 134 ° in Death Valley, California, of July 10, 1913, was determined to be the hottest in histo- ry,  and  not  the report of 136 °   in the Libyan desert on September 11,  1922,  which was found to be unreliable (and maybe that's the  real  cause of the September 11, 2012,  attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi?).  .  .  . Muslims  in  Egypt, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Tunisia and Yemen  acted  out  the roles in a movie they were protesting, "The Ignorance Innocence of Muslims" (the following graphic is reprinted in memory of the U.S. ambassador to Libya,  his three aides,  and eight of their Libyan guards):

Perps of the week         Amanda Jean Linscott       The "Bucket List Bandit"

   
            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, Associated Press]

Serena Williams defeated the mouth of Belarus'
Victoria  Azarenka  ("ooo-OO-oooo!  ooo-oo-
OOOO!  ooo-OOO-oooo!") to reclaim the U.S.
Open tennis championship.

My wife is dying.  She has given up her will to live.   I love her
passionately, and I cannot imagine living without her; but if she
is truly a goner, I must make plans.  I cannot live alone.  I love
my friend Butch's wife,  Maureen;  I love my  secretary's  hus-
band's wife, Janie, and I love my sister-in-law, Germaine;  but
they all seem to be taken. I know a bunch of unmarried chicks;
but there's a reason, for all of them. What can I do?

                                                                                Hank in Hell

Back of a T-shirt seen on a young man  in front of
our roving reporter at Taco Bell in Bowling Green,
Kentucky. [Tabloid Headlines artist's rendition]

FGDean@aol.com wrote  Sun 9/2/12 @11:02:49 PDT:

So, who is this Emily who was featured in last week's top
two headlines?  Is it even the same Emily?

We haven't a clue.  Maybe we need to watch more TV.   – Ed.


Steve wrote Sun 9/2/12 @14:07:53 CDT:

Who's Katie?

That's the point, isn't it?   – Ed.


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/2/12 @07:46:29 PDT re our reply to his request
for a translation of the term "well-earned two-for-ones at Happy Hour":

Hilarious.  You missed the joke entirely.

We still don't "get" it, and neither did anyone on our panel of experts. Or
maybe is the joke that everyone is supposed to know that Bruce doesn't
drink and therefore would not know anything about Happy Hour?   – Ed.

A gay teen-ager took a stun gun to Tech High School  in
Indianapolis to ward off bullies, fired it, got expelled, and
now has sued the school board for failing to  restrain  the
bullies. . . .

The Greenwood city council was  considering  repealing
ordinances  (1) prohibiting  carrying concealed weapons
and (2) allowing the shooting of pigeons in city limits (the
former conflicts with  a  new  state  law  prohibiting local
ordinances banning firearms except at schools and court-
houses (no, guns cannot be barred from libraries or parks,
either).
                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Big Ass Fans, a company in Lexington that makes low
speed, high volume fans,  made  a  popular  rap  video
out  of  voice mail  it has received  complaining  about
the company name. . . .

The basketball floor of the New Orleans Superdome,
on which the University of Kentucky won  this  year's
NCAA championship, was purchased by Northwes-
tern Mutual Life Insurance Company and donated to
UK,  where it will be cut into pieces with a large sec-
tion including center court logo installed in the teams'
locker rooms.
                            [courtesy Lexington Herald Leader]

A 92-year-old farmer in Boone County,  victim of three
burglaries in 12 days in August, shot and killed the perp
of a fourth attempt.
                                                                [courtesy AP]

"I never give money to candidates.  It only encourages them."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       – Henry Velenosi

Victoria Federica de Marichalar y de Borbón, 12
Raquel Welch, 72
Bill Mazeroski, 76
Grandma Moses (1860-1961)

Lindsay Lohan was back on the police blotter. . . . Mitt
Romney's income tax returns were reported kidnapped
for ransom. . . . A hospital in Chandler, Arizona,  billed
a  woman  $83,046  for  two doses of serum and three
hours in the emergency room for a scorpion sting. .  .  .
A  man who posted a "compromising" photo of his for-
mer girl friend on Clutterbook Facebook  was fingered
by her new lover as a terrorist with  a  bomb  aboard a
USAir flight from Philadelphia to Dallas;  the  plane  re-
turned  to Philadelphia,  and the ex-lover was escorted
off at gun point, but not charged (until he finally arrived
in Texas,  where  police  were waiting with outstanding
drug warrants). . . . Two meatless McDonald's were o-
pening in India.
                                                             [courtesy AP]

South Africa's Oscar Pistorius, who ran in the Olympics on
artificial  legs,  was beaten in the Paralympics by a Brazilian
he accused of having unfairly long artificial legs. . . .

A referee was struck in the neck and killed by a javelin at a
youth sports meet in Dusseldorf, Germany.

My brother has had a house to live in, a car to drive, insurance,
etc.,  for the last 25 years.  He is an alcoholic,  and a drug user.
He doesn't work – he doesn't want to.  His is an expense-paid
life.

Thanks to our mother.   When she dies,  how do we settle the
estate?   If the house is given to my brother,  he will lose it be-
cause he has no concept of paying bills.  My  sister  thinks we
should sell the place, give my brother his share,  and move on.
My mother is 82 years old.   She will be leaving a mess when
she dies, but she refuses to discuss it now.
                                                                        Help Me Plan

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/26/12 @03:36 PDT from Van Nuys, California:

Some TH items need translation.  How the hell do I know what "well-
earned two-for-one's at Happy Hour" are?

[Sent from my iPhone]

Hey.  Come on.  You're not that ignorant.

You live in a big city.

You use an I-Phone.

Everyone who has ever gone to the movies, let alone to a bar,
knows what "Happy Hour" is.  Usually late afternoon,  like at
the end of the day shift at work, and before the dinner crush.

Then you just put one and two together.  Bargains on drinks.

"How about a martini?  On second thought, make that two."

"Good decision, sir.  Same price."
                                                                           – Editor

The police chief of Attica resigned rather than take a reprimand and
a one-week suspension without pay  for giving a school employee a
bite of duck jerky for dogs. . . .

A tank truck driver posing as a gasoline delivery man  reversed  the
flow and stole 2,100 gallons from a BP station in Hammond. . . .

State excise police issued 178 tickets for alcohol offenses and public
nudity at a tractor pull in Terre Haute. . . .


A colorful 30-foot rooster,  popular for family photo-ops,  was allowed to
remain outside a restaurant in Liberty despite its violation of zoning laws
(dwarfing the 15-foot statue of Larry Bird planned for the campus of Indi-
ana State University in Terre Haute).
                                                                [courtesy  Associated Press]

A man  returned  to the  top  of Lexing- ton's "most wanted" list" last week. Here is Lucian Anderson, 48,  5' 9"  tall,  160 lbs.   Offense    not stated (as usual). . . . The Jerusalem Ridge Bluegrass  Celebra- tion will still be held on Jerusalem Ridge in Ohio County this year, but not on Bill

Monroe's homeplace (a neighbor has refused to allow stages and park-
ing on his farm).
                                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald Leader]

See the Sports, below, for more dumb news from Kentucky.

"I wish to apologize to all militant nationalists that I wasn't able to execute more."

                                                                                                                – Anders Breivik

"Not even the United Nations would ever mess with Texas."
                                                                                             – Martin Nesirky, spokesman
                                                                                                for Sec.-Gen. Ban Ki-moon

"The real scandal would be if you went all the way to Las Vegas and you didn't misbehave."

                                      – Boris Johnson, mayor of London, commenting on Prince Harry's
                                         being photographed playing strip poker in his Vegas hotel suite
                                         (and, so, who took the photos, and who sold them to TMZ?  Has
                                         that been reported? There are some hints in the National Enquirer)

In "a lot of the cases,  the youngster – 14, 16, 18 – is the seducer. . . .  On
their [accused priests'] first offense, they should not go to jail, because their
intention was not committing a crime."
                                                                              – Father Benedict Groeschel, of New York,
                                                                                 N.Y., in the National Catholic Register

"As a mother I've seen him, how compassionate he's been with me as a wife."
                                                                                                                              – Ann Romney

"I'm a legitimate Republican."
                                                    – Todd Akin  (nah, we made that up  – Ed.)

Shania Twain, 47
Marcia Clark, 59
Paul Reubens, 60
Harry Reems, 65
Susan Ker ("Tuesday") Weld, 69
Daryl Dragon (the Captain of Tenille), 70
Warren Buffett, 82

Nineteen persons were shot in seven incidents in a single
night in Chicago. . . . A revolving door foiled a mountain
lion trying to enter a casino in Reno, Nevada. . . .A man
in  Dover,  Florida,  called 911 seven times in three days
to invite female sheriff's deputies to his home  for  sexual
gratification. . . .A 2-foot-long alligator was found swim-
ming in a canal in Lowell, Massachusetts. . . . An art ex-
hibit in the Ukraine allows men to kiss sleeping beauties,
but they have to marry them if they wake up. . . . A man
dressed as Bigfoot was struck and killed on a highway in
northwest Montana. .  .  .  A Jewish student's mouth was
stapled by other students chanting "Heil Hitler!"  at Mich-
igan State University.  . . . Officials decided not to prose-
cute Lindsay Lohan for burglary.  . . . Taylor Swift chart-
ered a private jet to fly Conor Kennedy from Cape Cod
to Nashville. . . . The mayor of Hollywood Park,  Texas,
was killed by his own  donkey  (this was not in the same
county in which the Judge predicted civil war over Presi-
ident Obama's calling in UN troops upon his re-election).

   
        Perp of the week:  Joyce Coffey

                                                                   
                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, Edmonson News]

I've been married for 14 years.  The first few, everything
was good;  and then I stopped enjoying sex.   I've  seen
several different doctors and had my hormones checked,
and the verdict is that I am in great health for a 39-year-
old.

I think the main problem is,  while I love my husband,  I
don't find him attractive.  I'm not sure I ever did.   I was
23 when we met and had never had a boy friend.   Men
had never been interest in me until he came along.  He is
smart, funny and experimental in the bedroom;  so it isn't
like we haven't tried new things.   He would do anything
for me.

But having sex with him is a massive chore.  I suspect he
knows this,  and I hate making him feel bad.  I can't fake
passion I don't feel. To tell the truth, I doubt another man
would do it for me, either,  and I'm not attracted to wom-
en.   I feel like a part of me is missing,   and I don't know
how to find it.  What now?
                                                           Berlin, Germany