Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/21/13 @07:22 PDT re TedF's
question last week  "Who reads all of the funnies,  all of the
letters to the editor,  or every news story?":

I do. Wouldn't miss a single item in Tabloid Headlines or
the L.A. Times.

Dave Surtees wrote Sun 7/21/13 @12:30 PDT:

The "0INK" license plate reminded me of a Calif 'eco-plate
(ego-plate) I saw:  TIH2 HO.  I couldn't figure it out until I
overtook the car and looked back in my rear-view mirror.

Notty Bumbo (not the same person as Natty Bumppo) wrote from
San Francisco  Sun 7/21/13 @06:05 PDT,  in reply to last week's
Dear Eleanor column:

The white-haired lady's problem is Gary, Indiana. Lesbians
there tend to be attracted to white hair for reasons lesbians
in more sophisticated places simply cannot understand. So-
phisticated lesbians are attracted to white hair  only when it
has been intentionally dyed that color, and accompanied by
the "right sort" of tattoos.

Firemen rescued a 1967 Chevrolet Camaro in New Palestine. . . .

Anthony Weiner "sexted" a woman in Princeton, Indiana. . . .

A $1.44 million HIPAA verdict  was returned against Walgreen's and an Indianap-
olis pharmacist who looked up and divulged her ex-husband's girl friend's prescrip-
tion record. . . .

The East 91st Street Christian Church of Indianapolis dumped the Boy Scouts.

                                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

New science education standards for public schools were excori-
ated at a public hearing in Frankfort, the state capital.

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Senator Rand Paul's "Southern Avenger,"  Jack Hunter,  who had
written a newspaper column saying "Abraham Hitler" had commit-
ted genocide against Southern whites, resigned.

                                                                [courtesy the Daily Beast]

Attorney General Jack Conway denied a cease-and-desist letter
written by one of his assistants attorney general to a psychologist
whose column is printed in the Lexington Herald-Leader. . . .

A judge in Marshall County held a manslaughter defendant in con-
tempt of court for getting pregnant on a mental health appointment
furlough from jail while awaiting trial.
                                                                         [courtesy Herald-Leader]

This is a photograph of our regular correspondent
Jan  Ewing,  which popped up for sale on E-Bay,
by an art store on line, for $450. "I was an unpaid
model for my friend,"  Jan explained,  "getting eat-
en alive by mosquitoes,  when  he  decided  to do
moonlight shots at a cemetery.  I had to hold con-
torted poses while sitting on cold concrete  – and
I was approached by a cop trying to ascertain if I
was a prostitute as,  sleazily attired,  I was leaning
against a building at night (Bill hid and snickered)."

Editor's  confession:  That was not a  real  jailbird  featured in last week's "Lexington's
    most wanted," either.  It was Mr. Porterfield's wife,  Erika Brady,  professor of folk
    studies  at Western Kentucky University,  and another subscriber to Tabloid Head-
    lines).  We got the name from the Beatles, of course  ("Semolina Pilchard, climbing
    up the Eiffel Tower," in "I Am the Walrus"),  and made up the vital stats.

Bowling Green's least wanted (on TV and radio): Stephanie Midgett, WF, 27, 6'7", 150 lbs, , Lauren Hanson, WF, 27, 5'5", 150 lbs, Lisa Autry, WF, 27, 5'5", 150 lbs

DO NOT MISS this EVENT!

All subscribers, and all their friends and relatives, and everyone else in the world
is invited to the home of the Editor of Tabloid Headlines, 1931 Willie Webb Rd.,
outside of Brownsville in Edmonson County, Kentucky, at 5 p.m. CDT next Fri-
day,  August 2, 2013,  to watch the WBKO@5 newscast  from Bowling Green
Kentucky's  Channel 13,  moderated  by  Lauren ("Waah! Waah! Waah!") Han-
son and featuring (least of all! and literally!) the aptly named weather girl Steph-
anie Midgett.   We will roll on the fucking floor listening to these bimbos trying to
bring us the "news."  (Lisa Autry's on the local public radio station.)

If we can hear them above the laughter.  And you had better arrive early for all
the laughs.  WBKO Channel 13 does not have a clock,  and they are liable to be-
gin a few minutes ahead of schedule.

And bring your ear plugs!  It will be loud as people mock and laugh at the dumb
and unlovely Lauren Hanson.  And you have never heard a dumb country girl talk
through her nose until you have heard Lauren Hanson.   Join us for the fun!   That
means you, Greg (and Caroline), you, J. B. (and Shaska), you, Gary (and Aman-
da),  you, Lisa (and Prince Philip),  you, Brad (and Julie),  you, Bill  (and Cathy),
you, Jeremy (and Samantha),  you, Erika (and Nolan),  you, Bill (and Kay),  and
those more remote. Booze and other refreshments will be provided.

"I don't know that Pink song, but I noticed that she's pink."
                                                                                               – Kanye West?

"I was only going to fire a couple of shots."

                                                            – Christopher Wade Briggs, arrested outside the White
                                                               House with a handgun and 171 rounds of ammunition

"Kentuckians deserve a conservative leader in the Senate."

                                                                – Matthew Bevin, of the Louisville Tea Party, opposing
                                                                   Mitch McConnell in the 2014 Republican primary

"Teachings on evolution are a lie that has led to drug abuse and suicide.  This fascist
 method teaches that our children are the property of the state."
                                                                                                            – The Rev. Matt Singleton

"They promote an atheistic world view and a political agenda."
                                                                                                        – Valerie O'Rear

"They will marginalize students with religious beliefs, leading to ridicule and physiological
  harm.  The way socialism works,  is,  it takes anybody that doesn't fit the mold and dis-
  cards them. We are talking genocide here, folks."
                                                                                    – Dena Stewart-Gore

Putting one little word after another, and did you ever notice
that twelve (12) is the largest one-syllable number?

British scientists charged a cell phone with urine.

Monica Lewinsky, 40
J-Lo, 44
Lynda Carter, 62
Vida Blue, 64
Mick Jagger, 70
Bob Dole, 90
Jeanetta [age not released for publication]

Roy Acuff Jr., 70

Gawker.com  leaked a recorded rant said to be by Kan-
ye West that may shed light on his ripping an award from
Taylor Swift's hands at the 2009 MTV awards. . . .  Jus-
tin Bieber's team asked Britney Spears to give him some
life advice. . . . A 23-year-old mother threw her baby at
police as she tried to  escape  an  arrest for shoplifting in
Pensacola,  Florida. . . . The Florida Supreme Court up-
held a lower court ruling that a law  prohibiting  indepen-
dent insurance adjusters  from  contacting victims within
48 hours of a disaster violates free speech.  . . .  A man
was arrested for bringing a pipe bomb  to a police "gun
buyback" in Los Angeles, California.  . . .  An Austrian
who had stolen 56 human skulls from a cemetery for  a
home museum was charged with disturbing  the  peace
of  the  dead. .  .  .  A 24-year-old Norwegian woman
who reported being raped at a hotel in Dubai was sen-
tenced to 16 months in prison  for  having  illegal  sex,
then was pardoned.  .  .  . Virginia's Attorney General,
Ken  Cuccinelli,  a candidate for governor,  was cam-
paigning to restore the state's  "crimes  against  nature"
law. . . . A Tennessee lawyer sued Apple for addicting
him to pornography  (David Cameron agreed). . . .  A
37-year-old bicyclist was convicted of manslaughter in
the death of a 71-year-old pedestrian he ran over on a
crosswalk in San Francisco, California. . . . .  Caroline
Kennedy was exiled by President Obama. . . .  Consu-
mer Reports gave its highest rating to the 2014 Chevro-
let Impala. . . .The "Taylor Swift's Biggest Fan" contest
conducted by a radio station in Boston, Massachusetts,
was  canceled  after the 39-year-old  apparent  winner
was accused of stuffing the ballot box.

The Florida Supreme Court today upheld a lower court's ruling that a state law barring public insurance adjusters from soliciting business right after a disaster violates free speech. - See more at: http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/business/realestate/housekeys/blog/2012/07/supreme_court_law_restricting.html#sthash.jIErxmtU.dpuf

The Florida Supreme Court today upheld a lower court's ruling that a state law barring public insurance adjusters from soliciting business right after a disaster violates free speech. - See more at: http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/business/realestate/housekeys/blog/2012/07/supreme_court_law_restricting.html#sthash.jIErxmtU.dpuf

         

Brooke Lynn Domel, 32, a teacher of "floral design" at Wharton High School, and a married mother of two, was arrested for having sex with a male student.

Number of states in which the highest paid public employ-
ee is a coach:  37.  . . .

University of Florida football linebacker Antonio Morrison
was arrested outside a bar in Gainesville  for  barking  at a
police dog  (it was his second arrest at a bar this summer).

My 32-year-old sister, "Ashley," got herself into trouble.
From my earliest memories,  she has always  lied.  She
recently got out of drug rehab,  but  it  doesn't  seem to
have helped.  My parents and Ashley's biological mom
consistently bail her out of trouble,  whereas  my  other
siblings and I have to learn from our mistakes.

Ashley is jobless  and collecting government assistance
and is on Facebook all day long, but says she is "trying."
Ashley is a manipulative con artist.  I believe there also
may be some mental  illness. She is divorced  and  has
three  children,  and her actions are not in their best in-
terests.  I've caught her in a few lies since rehab,  and
I'm at the point where if I see her again,  I  may  blow
up. I have a big heart, but I cannot find it in me to for-
give her for the  terrible  things  she has done  and the
hurt she has caused. The stress is causing me physical
pain.

Ashley is still my sister, and I love her. How do I help
her without getting angry about the poor decisions she
continues to make?
                                                                Ashley’s Sis

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 7/14/13 @11:44 PDT:

I have no objection to "Lexington's Most Wanted."  For these eyes,
the faces in the photos just look like hapless "down and out" types
– perhaps a little depressing, but  hardly disgusting.  I can handle it.

Ed Buckner wrote Sun 7/14/13 @09:42 EDT:

I'm OK w/ L's Most Wanted – but maybe just because I can, when
really pressed, scroll like a madman.

Steve Yates wrote Sun 7/14/13 @17:15 CDT:

"Lexington's most wanted" is very important to me.  I'm still trying to
figure out what Wendy Palmer is wanted for.

Keith Douglas Durbin wrote Mon 7/15/13 @06:54 CDT:

Even though this week's Lexington's most wanted was a collection of
poorly groomed ladies, I wish to see it continue!

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 7/14/13 @12:32 CDT:

I will say that I could easily live without a once-a-week opportunity to
view these poster children for why not to do meth.  I  never  quite  got
the editor’s anally retentive fascination for these toothless tootsies and
wild-eyed wanted;  but, hey,  H. L. Mencken said,  "No one ever went
broke understanding the taste of the American public."  I say, "No one
ever stayed sane trying  to  understand  the  fascinations,  eccentricities
and impulses of one Natty Bumppo."

And if those of us having this conversation were not of similar ilk,  we
would not be having this conversation.

So, my final point is, let the puppeteer choose his puppets. Whether
we are part of the show or viewers / readers,  we can read what we
choose.  I mean, who reads all of the funnies, all of the letters to the
editor, or every news story?

J.B. Hines wrote Mon 7/15/13 @11:42 CDT:

It is important to capture these misunderstood women, and the pub-
lishing of this section increases the odds of success.  Also it appears
that there is a lack of appreciation for these fine women,  who likely
are diamonds in the rough.  Once caught  and reformed by our pris-
on system, these fine women may be our next New York Jets cheer
leaders. As a devoted reader, I thank the staff of Tabloid Headlines
for keeping us posted on Lexington's Most Wanted.

Jeanetta wrote Mon 7/15/13 @10:29 CDT:

I think Mr. Porterfield just wanted to remark on how unlovely some
of these chippies be!

J. Ewing wrote: Sun 7/14/13 @18:13 EDT:

I don't pay much attention to "Lexington's Most Wanted" in Tabloid
Headlines,  since the Lexington Herald-Leader, which I read on line
every day, already features it prominently.

But, Jan!  Lexington's most wanted weren't in the Herald-Leader last week.
The latest list in the Herald-Leader was July 10's.  There's a new most wan-
ted in Tabloid Headlines this week, though.

Thanks to all who wrote!  The exact Mencken quote, by the way (printed in
the September 19, 1926, edition of the Chicago Tribune),  is,  "No  one . . .
ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the
plain people."    – Editor

Len Z. wrote Sun 7/14/13 @09:51 EDT:

Aren't hospital spokespeople breaking the law when they give pa-
tients' status reports to the press?   Isn't that what HIPAA  is  sup-
posed to prohibit?

I'm now going to start using "CTD" when appropriate. Thanks, Jan!

Tony Dean wrote Tues 7/16/13 @10:55 CDT:

"Wi-Fi" refers to a specific communications protocol for wireless ac-
cess to the internet. "Smart" phones typically do not use Wi-Fi to ac-
cess  the  internet  unless the phone is close to a Wi-Fi access point.
Instead,  they use use a protocol by the name of LTE  (or one of its
earlier implementations)  that is more robust in the noisy radio path
between the phone and a distant cell tower. That is why you typical-
ly pay an extra $30/month for operating a smart phone.

By the way, there is nothing implicitly free about Wi-Fi service. Star-
bucks initially offered Wi-Fi for a fee, and upscale hotels still charge
for Wi-Fi access.

That was our "TANSTAAFL" point.  Many cafés and hotels do now offer
"free" wireless internet  –  but you still have to pay for the coffee,  and  the
room.  There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.   – Ed.

Governor Stevie was listed by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in
Washington as one of the nation's 18 worst governors, for patronizing coal
mining (he was in a subgroup of six called "The Clowns,"  which  included
also Jan Brewer of Arizona and Nikki Haley of South Carolina). . . .

The state's Psychology Board and Attorney General ordered a parenting ad-
vice columnist to stop publishing in Kentucky because he is not licensed to
practice psychology in Kentucky  (Dear Eleanor,  please note).  John Rose-
mond, author of 11 books on parenting,  with a master's degree in psycholo-
gy from Western Illinois University and a license to practice psychology in
North Carolina,  has been writing the Q&A column,  syndicated by the Mc-
Clatchy newspaper chain,  since 1976.  It appears in the Lexington Herald-
Leader among other papers.
                                                                                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"Activism is fun.  It doesn't do much good unless you get hurt, however."
                                                                                                                    – Bradley Manning

"We are in Egypt, the country of
 democracy."                                    – Abdel Lateef, police spokesman, as an Al Jazeera
                                                          crew was being ejected from a press conference

"There are people that would want to take the law into their own hands."

                  – Robert Zimmerman Jr., expressing concern for the safety of his brother George

"I hope that the feds step in and make a civil rights violation."
                                                                                                    – Spike Lee

So, what about Peter, Paul & Mary's song "The Great Mandella" (by
Peter Yarrow)?  Is it "mandala" misspelled,  or "Mandela" misspelled,
or perhaps an intentional conflation of the two? There are discussions
below the YouTube presentation linked above and here.

Steven Demetre Georgiou cum Yusaf Islam ("Cat Stevens"), 65
Florencia Vicenta de Casillas Martinez Cardona ("Vickie Carr"), 72
Bess Myerson ("Bess Myerson"), 89
Katherine Laverne Starks ("Kay Starr"), 91
Nelson Mandela (the "Great Mandella"?), 95
     
Elbridge Gerry (1744-1814)
Alexander the Great (356-323 BC)

You think U.S. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky is retarded?
Italian Senator Roberto Calderoli likened immigration minis-
ter Cecile Kyenge, who is black, to an "orangutan." . . . Fol-
lowing Lindsay Lohan around will be a reality show on Op-
rah TV. . . . Matthew  Oliver,  "Fugitive of the Day"  on  the
Pasco  County,  Florida,  Sheriff's  Clutterbook  Facebook
page,  posted an alibi and a threat to sue,  and – he was ar-
rested two days later. . . . Twenty-two pupils at an elemen-
tary school in San Diego, California, got sick from drinking
a mixture of hot sauce, carrots, salt and milk on a dare (18
were hospitalized). . . .Twenty-two pupils died after eating
a school lunch of rice, lentils,  soybeans and potatoes taint-
ed with insecticide in Patna, India.  .  .  .  Twenty-two per-
sons were fatally poisoned by a cook in Pakistan in a polit-
ical feud.  . . .  A 45-year-old Brazilian sleeping in his bed
was killed by a cow that fell through his roof. .  .  .  A 35-
year-old Israeli was bitten on the penis by a snake lurking
in his toilet. . . . A student at California State University in
San Marcus was sentenced to a year in prison for stealing
votes in the student body election. . . .  An officially dead
man was elected mayor of San Agustin Amatengo,  Mex-
ico. . . .  A Swedish collective  introduced  CP  (cerebral
palsy)  beer  in a Crip Is Hip movement. . . . A marijuana
pipe was found in a 4-year-old child's "Kid's Meal" from
Burger King in Dundee, Michigan. . . . Paula Deen's fans
were mailing butter wrappers  to retailers and other food
purveyors in protest of her demise.  . . . "Concealed car-
ry permit" guns  were allowed at the Texas Senate abor-
tion debate, but tampons were seized. . . . A male mem-
ber of the Irish parliament pulled a hottie female MP on-
to his lap in an abortion debate.
                                           

10.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  9.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  8.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  7.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  6.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  5.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  4.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  3.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  2.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.
  1.  Whether Rolling Stone "glamorized" Boston bomber "Jahar" with a cover photo.

I'm puzzled about something.  I'm a straight female senior
citizen with totally white hair.   Although  I may still be at-
tractive,  I  look  my  age.  I would like to know whether
there is any truth to a rumor I recently heard that today's
lesbians are attracted to older women with white hair. In
the last two years I've been approached by  many  much
younger women flirting with me.  I'm stared at, followed,
and hit on (rather bold things have been said to me). I'm
uncomfortable with this and fear for my safety.   I'll wear
hats if it's the white hair that's getting the attention. If you
or your readers have any insight, please let me know.

                            Hottie Notta Wannabe in Gary, Indiana

Heisman trophy winner  "Johnny  Football"  pleaded guilty to a June
2012 bar fight after which he showed police a phony driver's license
(one of two fake ID's he was carrying, besides his real one). . . .

A Cleveland Indians season ticket holder caught four foul balls in one
game. . . .

He was born to die on a day
When the Supreme Court said
Civil rights have had
Their day.

Makeup artists transformed petite actress Agnes Bruckner into a busy Anna Nicole Smith

J. Ewing, a psychiatric nurse, wrote Sun 7/7/13 @06:27 EDT re "critical but stable":

The  terms  "stable, serious, good, fair, guarded, satisfactory, critical"  etc.  are
not terms used by medical personnel. The American Hospital Association made
them up,  along with Googleable definitions,  for the press and the public.   The
AHA suggests not using "stable" at all as a condition or to qualify other terms –
especially "critical."

These are also PR waffle words  for  HIPAA  compliance.  A hospital cannot
release specific information about a patient without violating his or her privacy.
But if the press is given some information, it may go away. 

The hospital critter blabbering at a press conference or over the phone is usu-
ally an office or PR person, not a medical person.  "Critical but stable,"  once
used mistakenly, stuck.  The phrase (in the minds of PR people) is used to ad-
dress two different things:  The first is the general status of the patient; the sec-
ond is progress or regress.  But  "critical"  and  "stable"  both address only the
latter,  and what the flacks are tying to say is that the patient  is  in  bad  shape
but isn't getting worse.  It gives the public hope and gossip,  and it satisfies the
press.  (Of course, the patient isn't getting better, either.)

Medical personnel use much more detailed descriptions,  with all the nuanced
medical jargon that most lay people don't comprehend.  And specialty jargons
overlap.  You might be OK with one bodily function,  but completely screwed
up  elsewhere.  Your  bowels  might be functioning,  but your head trauma has
turned you into a veggie.

P.S.  Medical personnel, like the rest of us, have their own slang –  like  CTD
("circling the drain"), TSTD ("too stupid to die"),  FTF ("failure to fly"),  CAH
("crazy as hell"),  and GOMER ("Get outta my emergency room!").

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 7/7/13 @17:06 CDT:

Do we really have to deal with "Lexington's Most Wanted"?  They are invaria-
bly and incredibly disgusting,  such that I want to barf even when I scroll past
"Lexington's Most Wanted" as fast as I can.   I'm not averse to bad news – in
fact, I like it – but "Lexington's Most Wanted" is simply too, too much.  Run a
poll to see if other Tabloid readers feel the same?

OK.   Readers?   (We'd be really disappointed not to hear from Len Z., Ted F.,
F. Dean, G. Blue, E. Kagin, Patricia M., J. Ewing and D. Hopkins.)   – Editor

School lunch participation in Elwood has fallen 12 per cent  since the
school board adopted federal standards last year of meals with more
whole grains,  minimum amounts of fruit and vegetables,  and weekly
limits on meat  (more pupils were packing lunches,  and  some  were
choosing not to eat at all).
                                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Same sex marriage applicants could be charged with  perjury,  the
Tippecanoe County Clerk warned, since applications denote "male
applicant" and "female applicant."
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

   

Lexington's most wanted: OK, they've identified her: It's Gayla Hensley, WF, 50, 5'6", 130 lbs; Jinelle Morton, BF, 31, 5'3", 140 lbs; Sharon Booth, 43, 5'0", 120 lbs

                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

The first two Google "hits" for "Alison Lundergan Grimes for Senate"
were attack sites posted by U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mc-
Connell,  whose seat she seeks,  and  the National Republican Sena-
torial Committee,  both  of  whom  paid  Google  for  top  placement.
The Democrat Grimes' own site did not appear until the third page of
Google search results.
                                                                           [courtesy WKYU-FM]

A Baptist preacher's wife called Southern Baptists "the crazy old para-
noid uncle of evangelical Christians" in her weekly column in the Mad-
isonville Messenger.
                                                                   [courtesy Associated Press]

  

Caution: Church construction ahead, Highway 70, Edmonson County (Tabloid Headlines photo)

The Kentucky Shakespeare Festival's production of  Twelfth  Night
in Louisville  was canceled with six showings remaining  after  the
lead actress obtained a restraining order against her husband,  who
is the theatre company's director.
                                                                      [courtesy WFPL radio]

Senator Rand Paul's co-author  and  "director of new media,"  Jack
Hunter, is a former radio commentator who once wore a Confeder-
ate flag mask and blogged,  "John  Wilkes  Booth's  heart was in the
right place"  and "I raise a personal toast every May 10 to celebrate
John Wilkes Booth's birthday."
                                                              [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"If I thought he was a white supremacist, he would be fired immediately."
                                                                                                                         – Senator Paul

"Rand Paul makes Paula Deen look like the chair of the NAACP."
                                                                                                            – Professor Larry Sabato

"It snarfs everything in a rolling buffer, without missing a single bit."

                                                – Edward Snowden, re Britain's internet vacuum Tempora

"This young man is not a suitcase."
                                                            – Evo Morales

"People become perverts when they are too rich."

                                                    – a Chinese blogger commenting on adult breast-feeding

The new co-host on National Public Radio's Morning Edition, David Greene, appears
to have tied tongues with his co-host,  the long-haired, tongue-tied honey Renée Mon-
tagne,  having learned to stutter just like her – he even gets his correspondent,  Soraya
Sarhaddi Nelson,  in on the act.   (Here is the unedited sound clip,  if you're interested.
Here is a report of Greene in training, and here's another.)

Caroline Wozniacki, 23
Li'l (" Lil' ") Kim, 39
Rhonda Vincent, 51
Christine McVie, 70
Steve Lawrence, 78
Jerry Vale, 81
Roosevelt Grier, 81
Jake Lamotta, 92
Julius Caesar (100-44 BC)

Three young men in Putnam County, Florida, hitched a 9-
foot, 600-pound aluminum purple chicken to their pickup
truck,  and  one of them  took  a  ride  on it down county
roads (the chicken suffered a cut leg and a cracked claw).
.  .  .  The Costa Rican legislature passed a bill that would
accidentally legalize gay marriage . . . .  Nestlé announced
it would lower  infant  formula  prices  across China by 20
per cent. . . . A cancer patient was mistaken for the Surgi-
cal Mask Bandit at a bank in Montebello, California. . . .
The meaning of life  got 8 bids on E-Bay,  up  to  $10.50,
but was not sold because the top bid did not meet the re-
serve (and, so, the meaning of life remains unknown). . . .
A summer reading list issued by a Long Island school dis-
trict included The Great Gypsy  (it meant "Gatsby")  and
works by George "Ornell" and Emily "Bonte.". . . Katniss
is the 10th most popular baby girl name so far in 2013.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

"I like it better before summoning the omnipotent demon Lord of Darkness became an app" (New Yorker)

Two Nigerian soccer teams needing to fatten their point-spread averages won
games by scores of 79-0 and 67-0, respectively (all four teams engaged in the
two contests were suspended by the Nigeria Football Federation). . . .

The New York Mets planned an event to honor native Americans – on a day
they were to play the Atlanta Braves. . . .

Steve  Delabar,  a  relief  pitcher  for the Toronto Blue Jays who did not get his
first save in a 3-year major league career until Wednesday, was voted onto the
American League baseball all-star team as his home-town fans in Hardin Coun-
ty, Kentucky, and others stuffed the ballot box with 9.6 million votes,  many of
them by text (he does have a 1.74 earned run average and a 5-1 won-lost rec-
ord). . . .

A jury in Covington, Ky., awarded former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sar-
ah Jones  $338,000  in  her  defamation  suit  against  TheDirty.com.  (Tabloid
Headlines was not sued.   Lawyers were speculating that the main question on
appeal will be,  "How can you libel a slut?") . . .

British bicyclist Mark Cavendish was doused with urine on the Tour de France.

National Football League hotties: New York Jets cheerleaders

Steve Yates wrote Mon 7/1/13 @10:31 CDT:

What's the matter with saying Nelson Mandela is in  "critical
but stable" condition?  They said the same thing on the BBC
and the television networks.

"Critical" and "stable" are opposites.  You can be in "poor but sta-
ble"  condition;  you can be in "serious but stable" condition,  and
you can be in  "grave but stable"  condition;  but you cannot be in
"critical but stable" condition. "Critical" means you are "in crisis"
– your life could go one way or the other without notice.    – Editor

A 19-year-old man was arrested for not shutting up at a movie in
St. Matthews.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The American Civil Liberties Union filed suit for about 80 cab drivers
whose licenses were seized by Speedway police after the  500  Mile
Race.
                                                        [courtesy the Columbus Republic]

An Indianapolis man married in Massachusetts has sued his husband
for divorce in Indiana, which neither sanctions  nor  recognizes  same
sex marriage.
                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Twelve humans contracted swine flu at the Grant and Hancock coun-
ty fairs.
                                                                            [courtesy WRTV-6]

"Taylor Swift works her 'girl next door' country singer shtick while hopping from one young
 man to the next and strutting across the world stage like a proud whore."

                              – The Westboro Baptist Church, of Topeka, Kansas, in a press release an-
                                 nouncing plans to picket her upcoming concert in Kansas City, Missouri

"There's no way one bird could have done it, unless it was a pterodactyl."

                                        – George Sullivan, one of two residents in Mississauga, Ontario, who
                                           claimed their properties were bombed with feces by an airplane

"Deep down, I was hoping for a stronger sentence."

                                                    – estranged husband of a California woman who got life for
                                                       castrating him and putting his penis in a garbage disposal

"Authorities found six firebombs in his stolen vehicle," the Asso-
ciated Press reported, in its caption under a photograph of Jus-
tin Jasper,  arrested in Seattle and held in lieu of $2 million bail.
So, whose vehicle was it?

I-Pad-only schools (no paper, no pencils, no books,
no chalkboards) will be opening in the Netherlands.

Lindsey Lohan, 27
Julian Assange, 42
Nanci Griffith, 60
Shelley Duvall, 64
Geraldo Rivera, 70
Richard Petty, 76
Pete Fountain, 83
Gina Lollobrigida, 86
Eva Marie Saint, 89

Two teen-agers decapitated a homeless man in Moscow,
Russia, and played soccer in the street with his head. . . .
The porn site PureMature.com offered  Paula Deen  a 6-
figure endorsement fee. .  .  .  Dennis Rodman nominated
himself for the Nobel Peace Prize.  .  .  .  An 18-year-old
Texan was jailed under a half-million dollar bail for posting
a threat on  Clutterbook  Facebook  to shoot up a school,
followed by "LOL J/K." . . .  The droned terrorist  Anwar
al-Awlaki had a taste for pizza and call girls,  according to
FBI records. . . . Kirk  Douglas  said  he  hates  hate. . . .
Pranksters hacked an expert witness' testimony by Skype
in the George Zimmerman trial. . . .  Erin Brockovich was
arrested  for  BUI  (boating under the influence)  on Lake
Mead in Nevada. . . . A sinkhole swallowed a car driven
by a 60-year-old woman  on a street in Toledo, Ohio. . . .
A southern Ohio man who suspected his 32- year-old girl
friend of cheating on him found five 30-second video clips
on her  "smart" phone  of her having sex with a 4-year-old
girl.
           

Tanai Fortman, arrested in Ohio for telephone child porn

  [courtesy Daily Snopes, HuffPost, MSNBC.com, AP]

Geneva LaDiva Sunday Night Playmate at Play Dance Bar Friends with Susanne Stinson-Hughes Add Friend

Putting one little word after another, and why is there not a major professional
sports team in Boston known as the Commons? . . .

Horsey woman: Exercise rider Ashley Broussard, an aspiring jockey, has tete-a-tete with Mind Yer Business in the stables at Churchill Downs (Courerier-Journal photo by Kylene White)