Norman D. Voiles wrote Sun 9/22/13 @10:51 EDT,
under the subject line "Re: Tabloid Headlines":

GET THESE TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND
FUCK OFF!

No, no, no!  You have to put it in the subject line, not the message!


Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 9/22/13 @10:07 CDT:

Well, Nolan, even the drunken pigs in Australia appear (by the
photograph) to be female.

A 1970 Chevelle,  a 1949 Chevrolet pickup truck,  a 1987 Chevy
Silverado and a 1979 Chevy Short Box,  entered  in  a classic car
show at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, were stolen from their
parking spaces at three separate Indianapolis area motels.

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The citizens of Brown County rejected a tax to upgrade their 130-
year-old courthouse by a vote of 1,457 to 182. . . .

The Vigo County Sheriff  told a state legislative committee he did-
n't believe school security would be improved by arming teachers
(what's dumb about this?  The fact that it made the news). . . .

A 61-year-old Perrysville, Indiana, man was convicted in a feder-
al court in Nebraska  of  a threatening mailing of a white power to
the Mutual of Omaha insurance company in an envelope inscribed
"Open carefully contains cornstarch."  The envelope,  in fact,  con-
tained corn starch.
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Perrysville, pop. 456, in Vermillion County, is not the same town as
Perryville, pop. 2 or 3, in Adams County; and Vermilion County, Il-
linois, and Vermilion, Ohio, are not misspelled as Vermillion is in In-
diana.  And there are  three  towns  named Needmore in Indiana –
one in Clinton County,  about 5 miles north of Terre Haute and on-
ly 30 miles south of Perrysville,  and two in Southern Indiana, only
30 miles apart from one another – one in Brown County, the other
in Lawrence County.

A Somerset man who intentionally drove his car into the path of anoth-
er vehicle,  intending to commit suicide but killing the other motorist in-
stead,  was convicted only of manslaughter.
                                                                                            [courtesy AP]

A human skull and jawbone were found on the property of  a  missing
67-year-old Ohio County woman who authorities said may have been
eaten by hybrid wolf-dogs she kept in her yard.
                                                                                        [courtesy NBC]

A state representative accused of sexual harassment by three women
working for the Legislative Research Commission resigned  for  reas-
ons of "very poor health" before an investigation of his activity got un-
der way, and the director of the Legislative Research Commission re-
signed because "it's time" and then returned to his office to shred doc-
uments.
                                                           [courtesy WFPL-FM, WDRB-TV]

Jason Fox, known as the "Bad Hair Bandit" for the wigs he wore while
robbing seven banks in eastern Kentucky and Tennessee, was senten-
ced to 20 years in prison (his wife, Tasha, who drove getaway, got 10
years).
                                                            [courtesy Corbin News Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Amy Davis, WF, 35, 5'7", 110 lbs

'Apprehended' does not mean unwanted, does it? Ashley Marler, Misty Breeding, Amanda Horn, Brittany Goins

                                                                                                                     [courtesy Herald-Leader]

And here's another question:  Why is "Wi-Fi" capitalized?  Its
forebear "hi-fi" wasn't.

"Silvio Berlusconni is on trial for living with women.  If he were a homosexual,
  nobody would dare touch him."
                                                           – Vladimir Putin

"We built it here, and it was quintessentially American."

                                                                     – former CIA and NSA director Michael Hayden, as-
                                                                        serting America's authority to police the internet

Bruce Springsteen, 64
Olivia Newton-John, 65
Jerry Lee Lewis, 78
Anita Ekberg, 82
Barbara Walters, 84
Jayne Meadows, 94

Moon Unit Zappa, 46
Ian Tyson, 80

The Op-Ed page:

                               

Italian parliamentarians held a "same sex kiss-in"  in  sup-
port of including LGBT's in antidiscrimination laws.  .  .  .
The Swedish National Food Agency allowed the  use  of
anal secretions from beavers for vanilla flavoring in baked
goods. . . . Clutterbook Facebook took down an on-line
dating service ad featuring the photo of a girl who had ta-
ken her own life after being bullied on Clutterbook Face-
book. . . .San Antonio, Texas, opened a bookless library.
.  .  . The French Senate passed a bill to ban child beauty
pageants. .  .  . The University of Alabama student news-
paper,  the Crimson White,  reported continued segrega-
tion in campus sororities. . . .Officials in Leith, North Da-
kota,  were  considering  condemning  the home of white
supremacist Paul Craig Cobb.  . . .  A couple in Raeford,
Virginia,  were arrested for dog porn  (i.e.,  not just dogs
doing it, but dogs doing it with people).

Amber Nicole Fox, accused of doing it with dogs (and filiming it) in Raeford, Virginia      

Fed  up  with  poor  grades,  poor  attendance  and
"tudes," Union High School football coach Matt La-
brum benched the whole team in Roosevelt, Utah. . . .

A swarm of bees in the outfield disrupted a baseball
game between the Seattle Mariners and the Los An-
geles Angels of Anaheim in Anaheim, California, for
23 minutes. . . .

Are you at home or overseas?
                                                    Curious in Cleveland

Obama's brother top man in Muslim terror group; taxpayers help support brother's 12 wives (Examiner)

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 9/15/13 @15:22 CDT:

Howcum "Lexington's Most Wanted" are almost always females?
Don't male-type people commit crimes in Lexington and run away
from the long arm of the law?

Well, it's our main "soft porn" feature.

But you didn't notice "Nicholas" and "Jackie Robinson" in last week's issue?  – Ed.


Nolan Porterfield wrote Mon 9/16/13 @10:09 CDT:

I did indeed notice "Nicholas"  and "Jackie Robinson."  That's why I
wrote "almost always females."  I only wish those "Lexington's Most
Wanted" ladies weren't so ugly.  But that's not your fault – you mere-
ly tell it like it is - and I suppose those "hotties" you run in "the sports"
section make up for the dogs in "Lexington's Most Wanted."

They're all "hotties" in the editorial board room!  – Editor

Norman D. Voiles wrote Sun 9/15/13 @10:54 EDT:

I don't know how you invaded my computer, but GET ME OFF YOUR
LIST!  Remove me from your mailing list immediately!

Hey,  you know the rules!  Here,  they're reprinted again at the bottom of this
issue.  – Editor

Should the daughter of a towel-head and a dot-head
be allowed to wear the Miss America crown?

o    Yes
o    No
o    Getthefuckouttahere you racist pigs!

Rodney King asked Fri 5/1/92 @4:01:40 PDT:

Can we all get along?

An Indianapolis man dined at Applebee's  in  Richmond,  said  he
did not have cash to pay for his meal, flashed a badge and said he
was a policeman,  and asked for time to go to an ATM.  When he
did  not  return,  he was tracked down  and arrested for theft  and
impersonating an officer  (the badge  turned out to be a security a-
gent's).
                                            [courtesy Richmond Palladium-Item]

The city of Carmel appeared ready to repeal an ordinance that re-
quired all new business buildings to be two stories tall,  which had
resulted in  a  two-story  KFC,  a two-story CVS drug store,  and
the only two-story  Turkey  Hill  convenience store among 270  in
three states  (Turkey  Hill's  second story has remained vacant ex-
cept for a "for lease" sign in the window). . . .

The state School for the Blind fired a teacher for  sexual  miscon-
duct with a student.
                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A popular Scottsville teen-ager "texting" while driving drifted into
the wrong lane of a country road and crashed her SUV into a ve-
hicle driven by a 74-year-old 4-H leader and Army veteran,  kill-
ing him and herself; and the high school band canceled its football
game performance in her honor and students held a "balloon fest"
in her honor after the game.

                                            [courtesy Allen County Citizen-Times]

Democrat Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes
joined Senator Mitch Connell, whom she hopes to unseat,  in criti-
cizing proposed new EPA rules as a threat to Kentucky coal mine
jobs. . . .

The Kentucky Chinese American Association celebrated its annual
Moon Festival in Lexington the weekend before Harvest Moon. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Ashley Marler, WF, 31, 5'4", 120 lbs, jail escapee; OK, they've identified her: It's Allison Kueser, WF, 38, 5'6", 120 lbs

 

Nancy McCarty, WF, 45, 5'2", 165 lbs; Kimberly Montgomery, BF, 32, 5'4", 135 lbs; Bonnie Ruschell, WF, 35, 5'2", 120 lbs (Herald-Leader)

"Twelve people killed at a secure naval installation virtually on the front porch
  of the federal government. . . .  You know, don't you, that Muslims watched
  this unfold with a prayer on their lips:  'Don't let him be a Muslim.   Don't let
  him be a Muslim.  Please don't let him be a Muslim.'   Because they know –
  the last 12 years have forcefully taught them – how the actions of a lone mad-
  man can be used to tar an entire cause, religion or people.  In the end, almost
  as if in refutation of our ready-made narratives,  the shooter turns out to be  a
  black Buddhist from Texas. . . . "
                                                                    – Leonard Pitts, in the Miami Herald

"The whole performance seemed rather brainless."

                                                                        – Cher, on Miley Cyrus' twerking Robin Thicke

"This doesn't look like France."
                                                       – helium balloonist Jonathan Trappe, landing in New-
                                                          foundland on a non-trans-Atlantic flight from Maine

"Sex."
                    – Divorce Court star FlexLuthor, asked how he could have 27 children

Amy Poehler, 42
Joan Jett, 55
Riley B. ( B.") King, 88
Lauren Bacall, 89

Gogi Grant, 88

A feral pig raided a camp in Western Australia, drank 18
cans of beer,  got clobbered by a cow,  and  passed  out
drunk under a tree  (or so it was reported). . . . "FlexLu-
thor," father of 27 children by 17 women, missed a child
support hearing in Dayton, Ohio. . . . Burglars in Elwood,
a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia,  demanded money and jew-
elry and,  told there was none,  took a 4-foot, 9-inch, 93-
pound 14-year-old girl  instead  (and  shot and killed  the
family  dog,  according to police officer Phony Nguyen –
the girl was dropped off at  an  aunt's  home,  and  police
learned later that the girl's mother had been arrested with
one of the kidnappers in 2012 on drug charges). . . .  Ni-
dal Hasan earned $300,000 in military pay  awaiting trial
at Fort Hood,  Texas,  but there is nothing for his victims
because he gave it all to charity,  his lawyer said  (putting
one little word after another, and who do you suppose is
Charity No. 1?). . . . A juggling clown with updates on a
Clutterbook Facebook page signed  "Beep,  beep"  was
prowling Northampton, England, at night. . . .  Hundreds
of snakes, including Burmese pythons, were found at the
Long Island home of a New York animal control officer,
who was accused of selling them. . . . Crocodiles roam-
ed the streets of Acapulco,  Mexico,  flooded by Hurri-
cane Manuel.

Vladimir Putin's column was published in the  New  York
Times, John McCain wrote one for Pravda, Hassan Rou-
han's appeared in the Washington Post,  and now, it is re-
ported,  Eric Cantor has submitted a column to Slate and
John Boehner has sent one to the Onion.

On a recent visit to my daughter, I found out that my 12-
year-old grandson has taken up Irish step dancing. What
bothers me is that he dances in the girls division.

My daughter told me it began when a girls troupe needed
one more dancer,  and he agreed to join them.  He had to
wear a female costume,  and the judges allowed it.  Now
my daughter is regularly entering him  in  competitions  for
girls. The last time I saw him dance I noticed that his name
was spelled with an "i" added at the end  so that it appear-
ed to be female.  And,  I have to say,  you can't tell he's a
boy dressed as a girl with wig and makeup.

Is  this  fraud?  There is prize money involved.  Could my
daughter be sued?  I talked to my grandson,  and he said
he doesn’t mind.   Should I inform the judges or just let it
be?
                                                    Surprised Grandmother

Celebrity lookalikes: Novak Djokovic, Paul Ryan

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sat 9/7/13 @09:44 PDT:

Evidently, you really don't check out your links.  KFC Japan is offering deep-
fried corn soup, not Kool-Aid.

Your statement re KFC Japan is correct, but your criticism of our editorial process
is a bit exaggerated.  We do check our links.  We just read the article linked to that
item a bit too hastily  (we saw the phrase  "Kool-Aid"  in the article and ran with it).
In any event it's something Tim Gillenwater, attorney at law in Glasgow, Ky.,  might
call a "distinction without a difference."   – Editor


J. Ewing wrote Sun 9/8/13 @01:02 EDT re last week's "Quotations of the week":

Donald Rumsfeld still hasn't topped this one:

"There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.  We
 also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there
 are some things we do not know.  But there are  also  unknown  un-
 knowns – the ones we don't know we don't know."

                                              – Donald Rumsfeld, not an English major

At the suggestion of the town cop, a woman in Warren, 20 miles
south of Fort Wayne, put up a sign in her front yard reading "Hi-
biscus, Not Pot" (what?  No pictures?). . . .

The National Transportation Safety Board concluded that the crash
of a train near Valparaiso last year was caused by a crew member's
"texting."
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A 93-year-old woman was raped by a 17-year-old boy in Ander-
son.
                                                                        [courtesy the Blaze]

A 37-year-old Laurel County (eastern Kentucky) woman was sen-
tenced to 30 years in a federal prison for taking photographs of two
children in sexual acts, and a 26-year-old Daviess County (western
Kentucky) woman who worked in a day care center got 18 years in
a state prison for possession of 1,064 child pornography slides.

                            [courtesy WLEX-TV, Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer]

Lexington's most wanted: Lisa Strunk, WF, 44, 5'6", 130 lbs, Tresina McCoy, WF, 43, 5'1", 110 lbs

They didn't identify this babe; this guy's name is Jackie Robinson; Nicholas

                                                                                                       [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"I heard that Miley Cyrus and her boy friend broke up because their relationship
 just wasn't twerking."
                                                                                             – Whitney Coffey

"We've spent five years in the black."

                               – Benjamin Jealous, resigning after five years as president of the NAACP

"I was treated like a hardened criminal."

           – Philip Milne, of Bletchley, England, fined £180 for shampooing his genitals on a bus

Victoria Federica de Marichalar y de Borbón, 13
José Feliciano, 68
Maria Grazia Rosa Domenica D'Amato Muldaur, 70
Kate Millett, 79
Marie Laveau (1794-1881)
Alonso de Guzmán el Bueno (1550-1615)

Elvin Jones (1927-2004)

The deep water blobfish was voted ugliest animal alive in an internet poll

Gloria Estefan has gone the way of Linda Ronstadt.  . . .
Indonesian high school students were required to record
the sizes and shapes of their genitals. .  .  .  Spain  raised
the "age of consent" from 13 to 16,  following Kentucky
and West Virginia. . . .  Miley Cyrus took everything off
but her boots for her latest video. .  .  .  A vicar in Cam-
bridgeshire,  England,  had a "WTFWJD" bumper stick-
er on her car.  . . . Vince Gill gave the Westboro Baptist
Church hell in Kansas City, citing Jesus. . . .A Colorado
man on horseback,  on his way to his brother's wedding
in Utah 600 miles away,  was arrested for RUI in Boul-
der. . . .A movie blogger angry at the use of cell phones
at a screening at the Toronto Film Festival dialed 911 –
on his cell phone.  . . .  A man in Karlskrona,  Sweden,
was arrested  for  following  a woman to her home and
thrusting his penis through her mail slot (male slot?). . . .
Here's another case of contractors demolishing a wrong
house (this one's in Pontiac, Michigan).

I recently broke up with a 70-year-old man who could
not stop ogling women and making sexually inappropri-
ate remarks to them.  I talked to him about it numerous
times and told him that this is emotional cheating and he
should stop or we'd be finished.  He didn't change, and
it escalated to ogling strangers on elevators and women
at parties.  It was creepy.   I was humiliated and embar-
rassed.

After I broke up with him I found out that he made sex-
ually inappropriate remarks to  some  very  young  girls,
saying he wanted to see them naked.  I suggested thera-
py.  He said all men do this and told me to relax.

He always reads your column.  Maybe you can help.

                                                    Finished in Fresno

Volleyball hottie: Taylor Bowling, Louisville Eastern High School

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Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 9/1/13 @09:45 PDT:

Why are they called "wing walkers" when they're strapped on
and do not walk about the wing?

Well, you followed the link, didn't you? And we didn't!  Good ques-
tion.  It's a far cry from "working without a net."   The little  sissies.
It's sorta like Diana Nyad swimming from Cuba to Florida in a jelly-
fish-proof full-body suit, isn't it?

Looks like you got your Tabloid Headlines last Sunday!  We  didn't.
We had to open the Sunday paper in the plain brown wrapper. You
reckon we were censored on account of the  obscene  photographs
of Louisville's female criminal element?

And beware:  In previewing this week's issue, we discovered several
links to ads. We didn't do those!  If you see a double-underlined link
you might not want to click it.  It's not ours.   – Editor

A mental patient was charged with murdering a fellow patient  at
Richmond State Hospital (the question is, will an insanity defense
hold up?). . . .

A 23-year-old man was scouring his neighborhood for his lost 8-
foot boa constrictor in Noblesville.
                                                           [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A state circuit court judge in Frankfort, the state capital, turned
down a Tea Party suit to prohibit the implementation of  "Oba-
macare."
                                           [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"Deep-fried Kool-Aid," introduced to Japan by KFC (formerly
"Kentucky Fried Chicken"), has made it to the Kentucky State
Fair  (but it was invented in Texas).

                                        [courtesy Huffington Post, Fox News]

Lexington's most wanted: Marie Jackson, WF, 45, 5'8", 135 lbs, Laquita Sanford, BF, 32, 5'9", 150 lbs

                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"There really hasn't been any indication from the administration as to what our national in-
  terest is with respect to this particular situation."
                                                                                                                    – Donald Rumsfeld

"The idea of demystifying what you're going to do for the enemy is mindless. I can't imag-
 ine what they're thinking, why they would want the Assad regime to have crystal clarity."

                                                                                                                    – Donald Rumsfeld

"We want to be totally interactive; so we bring out some of our birds,
  and some of our animals."
                                                   – Candace Forsythe, manager of the Kentucky Down Un-
                                                      der zoo at Horse Cave, on WBKO-TV  (emphasis added)

"When issuing a bond to build a facility, the debt payment on that bond should not outlast the
  facility."
                – Harvey Rice, deputy controller, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where Veterans Sta-
                   dium, opened in 1972 and demolished in 2004, still carries $183,000 in debt

"It's an economic hammer that pounds down on the Hawaiian
 anvil."                                                                                         – Governor Neil Abercrombie

A urination funnel (for both men and women) called the
"Pee  Straight"  was keeping public restrooms cleaner in
Shenzhen, China.

Beyond C. Knowles, 32
Neko Case, 43
Carlos Estévez ("Charlie Sheen"), 48
Gene Parsons, 69
Bob Filner, 71
Bill Mazeroski, 77
Bob Newhart, 84
Robert M. Pirsig, 85
Mort Walker, 90

John Chapman ("Memphis Slim," 1915-1988)

Sandy Roskilly's 70-year-old mother and autistic son, 18,
were evicted from their Federal Housing Authority house
in Denver because Sandy had been  murdered,  and  she
was the only tenant on the lease. . . .  In a guessing game
aimed at various groups, only 57 per cent of the Defense
Department could say where Damascus is.  . . .  A Mon-
tana high school teacher,  54,  was sentenced to 31 days
in jail for having sex with a 14-year-old student who later
committed suicide  ("She was as much  in  control  of the
situation" as he was,  the judge said,  and  "older than her
chronological age"). . . . A former girl friend of Kim Jong
Un was among 12 persons executed for pornography by
firing squad in North Korea. . . . Dunkin' Donuts promo-
ted its charcoal doughnut in Thailand with an ad featuring
a woman in black face. . . .  A black high school student
running for student council president in Jersey City, New
Jersey, sent racist texts to himself in his campaign. . . . A
Glaswegian charged a café in Edinburgh,  Scotland, with
racism for charging him for ketchup  but  not  for  brown
sauce.  . . . The NAACP and the KKK held peace talks
in Casper, Wyoming.  .  .  .  Slithery millipedes were sus-
pected in a train collision on slippery tracks  in Clarkson,
Western Australia.

                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

Tennis champ Novak Djokovic was almost defeated in his U.S. Opem semifinal match wearing this dorky new cap; he took it off before beating challenger Sanislas Wawrinka, 3-2; Take a look (and listen to) the match to hear the two men grunt like girls (we recommend, in particular, the third and twelfth deuces of the third game of the fifth set of the four-hour, nine-minute match). Or tune in the championship match on CBS TV tomorrow evening to hear Dorkovic grunt again

    Dennis Rodman returned from "another basketball diplomacy
    tour" of North Korea.

I've found a new way to get free food:  Dumpster di-
ving.  Several times a week a group of us go through
the supermarket dumpster at night  to  see what they
have thrown out.  Sometimes there's nothing, but at
other times there's great stuff. One night I found nine
ears of corn. Another time, it was 23 packs of chick-
en.  I've found honeydew melons,  cherries,  grapes,
peppers, tomatoes,  potatoes,  and all sorts of other
goodies.   I thoroughly boil the meat and poultry be-
fore eating it,  and  I  wash the fruit and pour boiling
water over it.  It will lose some color,  but it will still
taste sweet.  I cook all vegetables.

The problem is,  there's a stigma to this.  People give
us dirty looks. We're very careful not to make a mess
but the store manager hates us.   And  if  my  mother
knew about this,  she'd throw a fit.   I can't figure out
why this is so despised.
                                                      Diva in Davenport

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 8/26/13 @10:51 PDT
re "Flo is getting serious":

Her somber expression in that photo is a refreshing
change.  I'm  getting  sick  of seeing her red lipstick
smile on the "Your message has been sent" pop-up
ad.

This isn't Flo, is it?  Engaged in "distracted driving"?  – Ed.
                      

Flo driving while distracted

A 16-year-old girl was arrested in Portland for lacing her parents' cof-
fee grounds with rat poison.
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

A man died jumping out of a moving pickup truck in Johnson County.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

State Excise Police arrested 254 persons at the Scheid Diesel Festival
in Terre Haute for illegal possession of alcohol and power braking. . . .

Excise Police arrested 93 at the Indiana University move-in weekend in
Bloomington. . . .

A Michigan man crashed into a guard rail on I-69 in Anderson, pulled a
power drill from the trunk of his car, and drilled into his head behind the
right ear (he didn't die). . . .

Carly Van Arsdall, 16, was reported missing from her home in Carmel
but was found later the same day in South Carolina with a 23-year-old
man with whom she had  a  relationship  on  line  (the Indianapolis Star
printed her name but said it was "not releasing his identity  because  he
has not been charged with a crime").
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Elizabeth Stakelbeck, 34, of Louisville, was arrested for trying to hire a hit man to off her former husband and his new wife and planning to pay for the hit with prescription drugs (WHAS-TV)

Angel Embry, 34, was arrested for DUI passed out in her car in Louisville with her 4-year-old son in the back seat. Brittany Shewmaker, 27, was arrested for DUI after police clocked her doing 50 m.p.h. in a 35-m.p.h. zone in Louisville with two children, aged 4 and 2, in the car. Sarah Hardin, 31, was arrested for DUI in Louisville with a 4-year-old in the back seat and admitted that she had drunk a "kinky" and taken a Xanax. All on the same day. (WAVE-TV)

     (Here's how to make a "kinky" – Ed.)

Lexington's most wanted: Julie Hall, WF, 35, 5'5", 205 lbs; Monica McKenzie, WF, 48, 5'3", 105 lbs; Paranita Black, BF 37, 5'7", 300 lbs

                                                                                                                 [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"Failure awaits the United States as in all previous wars it has unleashed, starting
 with Vietnam and up to the present day."
                                                                        – Bashar al-Assad

"Miley Cyrus is obviously deeply troubled, deeply disturbed, clearly has confidence
 issues, probably an eating disorder."
                                                                  – Mika Brzezinski

"He made me begin to feel like a 16-year-old again, with the vitality of his ideas."

                             – Bob Nelson, political consultant to former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner

"You can't make it a little lower, hon'?"
                                                               – Felicia Underwood to a Florida judge who had
                                                                  just reduced her bond from $76,000 to $10,000

"It will not work because the clients will not come."
                                                                                        – Swiss politician Sven Dogwiler

Marcia Clark, 60
Will Shortz, 61

All 44 students failed the 9th grade at High School in the
Community  in  New  Haven,  Connecticut. . . .  George
Zimmerman toured the Florida factory that manufactured
the gun that killed Trayvon Martin. . . . Radio host Laura
Ingraham  symbolically  shot  John Lewis as he spoke at
the commemoration of the March on Washington.  .  .  .
Zurich, Switzerland,  opened nine drive-in sex boxes for
prostitutes and their clients. . . . A judge dismissed a cita-
tion issued to a man  jogging  backward  in Miami Beach,
Florida. . . . Rose Powell, 9,  and her companion, Flame
Brewer, also 9,  wing-walked over Gloucestershire, Eng-
land. .  .  . Crocheted octopi were barred from a hospital
in Sweden. .  .  . Julian Assange donned a mullet wig and
sang a song on YouTube. . . .In a recent poll of Louisiana
Republicans, 29 per cent blamed Obama for the poor re-
sponse to Hurricane Katrina;  28 per cent  blamed Presi-
dent Bush, and 43 per cent weren't sure. . . . A white su-
premacist was plotting to take over Leith, North Dakota,
population 16. . . .  Miley Cyrus' latest twerk is on Justin
Bieber.

My husband and I are teachers and are home most of
the summer.   Our next-door neighbors have two tod-
dler boys and a couple of barking dogs.  They  are  a
nice family except for the continuous noise and chaos,
which is especially noticeable in the summer when win-
dows are open.  We can't enjoy coffee in the morning
on our deck or a drink outside in the late afternoon.

I realize that  everyone  has  different  parenting  styles.
Theirs seems to be the "anything goes, let them express
themselves" method.  I  understand  that  small kids are
noisy and throw tantrums.  We  raised  two of our own.
But when my kids had a tantrum, they were sent to their
rooms until it ended.  These kids scream and cry all day
long.

I honestly don't know how they can stand it. At least we
can shut the windows.  Even my low-key husband is fed
up.  They rarely take the kids out in public, and I can un-
derstand why. Is there any recourse for us? I don't mean
to sound selfish,  but is a little peace and quiet too much
to ask for?
                                                                Venting in Oregon

A Kentucky thoroughbred was named "Johnny Football"  after Texas
A&M's Heisman trophy winner Johnny Manziel, before he trademark-
ed his nickname. . . .

     

Soccer hottie: Haley Kemper, Oldham County (Kentucky) High School

All subscribers and other readers are specially invited to next Sun-
day's Weekly World News Round Table to  kill  the  17-year  lo-
custs. They are driving us nuts.  Bring your rifles,  shotguns,  BB
guns, bows and arrows,  sling shots and pepper spray,  and  we'll
have  a  blast.   The racket is even worse at night,  when the tree
frogs join the chorus.   If you want to take aim at the arboreal am-
phibians, too, be our guests!  Who needs tinnitus in such times?

rooster talk