Joretta Batista wrote Sun 12/22/13 @09:25 CST:

Hey!  You can't let Santa's reindeer impersonate apostles!  There
were twelve apostles.  Only eight reindeer.

OK.  There are:

Dasher, and
Dancer, and
Prancer and
Vixen,
 
Comet, and
Cupid, and
Donder and
Blitzen,

and then

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
Shadrack the Black Reindeer and
Leroy the Redneck Reindeer.

That's eleven already.  And have you overlooked Olive the Other Reindeer?

– Editor

The Journal Gazette and the Associated Press reported that students
at St. Joseph's Elementary School in Fort Wayne had developed an
icy road sign – in a 27-paragraph news article without a single draw-
ing or photograph of the sign.

                                 [discourtesy Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, AP]

A Carter County couple were arrested for drug violations after appear-
ing on the MTV reality show True Life: I'm Addicted to Pills. . . .

A 30-year-old woman left her 10-year-old daughter on the roadside in
Laurel County after arguing with her in the car.

                                                     [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Jillian Wojciechowski, 30, mother of two, was sentenced to 19 years in prison for robbing a suburban Louisville bank twice, making off with more than $213,000 (Courier-Journal)

"As soon as the journalists were able to work, everything that I had been trying to do was
 validated.  Because, remember, I didn't want to change society.  I wanted to give society
 a chance to determine if it should change itself."
                                                                                              – Edward Snowden

"I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where
 we lived was all farmers.   The blacks worked for the farmers.   I hoed cotton with
 them.  They’re singing and happy."
                                                                    –  Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson

"It seems like, to me, a vagina – as a man – would be more desirable than a
 man’s anus."
                                                                    –  Phil Robertson

"If you believe in free speech or religious liberty, you should be deeply dismayed over
 the treatment of Phil Robertson. Phil expressed his personal views and his own religi-
 ous faith; for that, he was suspended from his job."
                                                                                                                  – Ted Cruz

"He sounded like Pope Francis."
                                                                – Newt Gingrich

Ricky Martin, 42
Mary Higgins Clark, 84
Ava Gardner (1922-1990)
Howard Hughes (1905-1976)
Kit Carson (1809-1868)
Benjamin Rush (1745-1813)

Joe Diffie, 55 (Dec. 28)

The Brazilian co-ed who sold her virginity at internet auc-
tion for $780,000 last year claims she's still a virgin and is
doing it again. . . . Slut of the century Ania Lisewska,  21,
of Warsaw,  Poland,  passed 400 in her goal to be the first
woman to have slept with 100,000  different  men  (it ap-
pears also  that she hopes to live to be 295 years old,  un-
less she does considerably more than one a day). . . . The
National  Security  Agency  was revealed to have tapped
UNICEF's  phones,  and the United Kingdom's News of
the World tapped  Kate Middleton's  phone  (a transcript
revealed that Prince William called her  "Babykins"  while
they were courting). . . . Valerie  Dodds  ("Val Midwest"),
19,  was  convicted  of  revenge porn  on her former high
school, Pius X,  in Lincoln, Nebraska. . . . Charlie Sheen
called Phil Robertson a  "mallard brain,"  and Jesse Jack-
son said Robertson is worse than Rosa Parks' bus driver.
. . . Piranha attacked 70 swimmers at a  beach  in  Argen-
tina. . . . Al Qaeda apologized.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

Among the FBI's 10 most wanted missing persons: Rachel Natach Owens, May 5, 2011, Brunswick County, North Carolina; last seen getting off her school bus at South Brunswick High School in Boiling Springs Lakes, North Carolina, entered a small, dark-colored car with what may have been South Carolina license plates; has run away in the past, but has never been gone this length of time; she has not had any contact with her family or friends since leaving the school; is known to frequently change her hair color, and has previously been known to have brown or black hair; had previously expressed the desire to go to Mexico

What is the relationship between in-laws called?   For ex-
ample, sometimes it seems that my in-laws (my wife's pa-
rents) have forged a stronger bond with my wife's in-laws
(my parents)  than I have with my wife.  And my brother-
in-law  (my wife's brother)  and  her brother-in-law  (my
brother)  golf  together – in a foursome that includes also
my sister's husband (another of my brothers-in-law) and
my wife's sister's husband  (another of  her  brothers-in-
law).
                                                    Confused in Carlsbad

 

Basketball hotties! Mackenzie Stovall, of Louisville Mercy High School, on floor; Paige Murphy, of Pleasure Ridge Park, guarding; chickie in background unidentified (Courier-Journal)

Notty Bumbo wrote Sun 12/15/13 @10:31 PST re last week's
"Dear Eleanor" column on "Click and Clack":

Methinks most callers just want to be part of the comedy.
Listening to these two guys riff is worth playing the fool.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 12/15/13 @10:42 CST:

Did Secret Service special agent Paul Johnson really say,
"If it's too good to be true, it probably is"?

We kinda doubt it.  He and Louisville Police Chief Steve Conrad held
a joint press conference on a "black money" scam,  and here's  a  TV
news clip in which Conrad says,  "If something is too good to be true,
it probably is not true."   We  think  the  Louisville Courier-Journal re-
porter misattributed the remark to Johnson and misquoted it.  – Ed.

Advocates for two animal rights groups in South Bend advised par-
ents not to give their children puppies or kittens for Christmas. . . .

Ridgeland, South Carolina, donated four police cruisers to Knights-
town, Indiana. . . .

A 16-year-old Elkhart youth was sentenced to three years in pris-
on for throwing lit fireworks at a dog who picked one up with her
mouth just before it exploded (she got death). . . .

Indiana University students  were  annoyed  by the selection of the
president of the University of Michigan to address I.U.'s mid-term
commencement. . . .

A 36-year-old Fort Wayne man got 12 years in prison for attacking
his mother with a toilet tank lid.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

  

Another employee at the minimum security Blackburn prison near Lexington, Bernadette Luttrell, 48, has been fired and charged with rape for having sex with a male inmate; Bernadette worked in the prison's mattress factory (how covenient!) (Herald-Leader)

                                                                                                                   [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Molly Wise, WF, 40, 5'4", 130 lbs; Sarah Elizabeth Rust, WF, 22, 5'2", 125 lbs; April Burton, WF, 40, 5'7", 170 lbs

White trailer trash migrants  were helping staff Amazon.com ware-
house and distribution centers in Campbellsville, Ky.,  and other lo-
cations throughout the nation during the holiday shopping and ship-
ping season.
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Wanted in 50 states: Meagan Simmons, WF, 27, Zephyrhills, Fla., was arrested for reckless driving three years ago, and her mug shot went viral on the internet(Huffington Post)

"The decision of the Uruguayan legislature" to legalize marijuana "fails to consider its negative
 impacts on health, since scientific studies confirm that cannabis is an addictive substance with
 serious consequences."
                                                    – Raymond Yans, president of the International Narcotics Board

"Tell that old man to stop lying."
                                                        – José Mujica, president of Uruguay

"If we build it, they will come.  So we have to
 not build it."
                                         – first selectman E. Patricia Llodra of Newtown, Connecticut,
                                            explaining the decision not to have a public commemoration
                                            on the first anniversary of the Sandy Hook school massacre

"Florida State . . . will play Auburn for the [college football]
 championship on December 6 . . . ."
                                                                              – Nora Raum, National Public Radio newscaster,
                                                                                 on December 15, correcting her report earlier
                                                                                 the same morning that the game would be on
                                                                                 June 6  (hey, honey, let's try January 6, huh?)

"It's All Th– Morning Edition."
                                                            – Linda Wertheimer, NPR

Katie Holmes, 35
Brad Pitt, 50
Jennifer Beals, 50
Chris Evert, 59
Liv Ullmann, 75
Cicely Tyson, 80

A teacher in New Mexico  told a 9th grade black student
wearing a Santa cap and a beard, "Don't you know Santa
Claus is white?"  (the Rio Rancho school district said "ap-
propriate disciplinary action was taken" against the uniden-
tified teacher).  . . . The  86-year-old  winner  of  Howard
Stern's "Get Grandpa Laid" contest  choked on a piece of
steak and died just hours before he could redeem his prize
at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada. .  .  . Kim Jong
Un's executed uncle's offenses were said to include  clap-
ping half-heartedly  and erecting a monument in the shade.
. . . The Snuggle House in Madison, Wisconsin, which of-
fered  "therapeutic cuddling" for $60 an hour, closed after
only three weeks in business. . . .  A high school senior in
Duluth, Georgia, was suspended for a year (and will miss
graduation) for hugging a teacher. .  .  . Diplomat hackers
baited a Trojan horse computer virus with an offer of nude
photos of  Carla  Bruni. . . . Canada's post office announ-
ced  the cessation of home delivery in five years  and  re-
turned a 6-year-old's letter to Santa Claus  addressed to
"theNorthPowle" but bearing a correct postal code. . . .
Canadian anti-prostitution laws were struck down by the
nation's Supreme Court as unhealthy. . . . Iran said it sent
a second monkey to space. . . . Oslo,  Norway,  painted
manhole covers hot pink  and emblazoned them with the
words "Bæsj, Tiss, and Dopapir"  ("poo, piss, and toilet
paper") in a campaign to stop the throwing of other type
of waste into the toilet  (clogging  the  sewers). . . . Max
Baucus, 72, U.S. Senator from Montana  for  35  years
who announced in April  he would not run for reelection
again so that he could spend more time at home,  will be
the next ambassador  to  China. . . .  A man fell into San
Francisco Bay trying to throw his wife off the San Mateo
- Hayward bridge. . . . Viagra was found ineffective in an
attempt to boost a sagging Christmas tree.

 

This week's basketball hottie: Datoria Higgins, Western Kentucky University

Indiana University's basketball arena will be renamed Simon Skjodt
Assembly Hall  in obeisance to a $40 million gift from Cindy Simon
Skjodt for renovation. . . .

Brian Boitano came out of the closet.

My husband and I are on our second marriages.  We  have
tried hard to get along with our exes.  We invite them to go
to parent-teacher conferences and attend dance and piano
recitals, but it seems to make matters worse. The  children
saw this,  and  it  hurt  them.   My husband and I promised
each other that when our children were engaged we would
talk to them  to make sure they were not making a mistake
(I wish my parents had done this, although I realize I might
not have listened).

So:  My husband's son got engaged at the age of 21, to his
first girl friend. My husband and I agreed he was too imma-
ture to get married.  His fiancée was loud and boorish, and
inexperienced. We told the boy that he was young and that
there are many fish in the sea,  and  that there was no need
to get married.

Well,  he told his fiancée – and we were not invited  to  the
wedding.  And now neither of them speaks to us.  It's been
nearly six years. We miss our son. How do you suggest we
proceed?
                                                Rejected in Rome, Georgia

Letter to the editor of the Financial Times Thurs 8/22/13:

A short guide to the Middle East . . . by KN Al-Sabah

Publius Leget wrote to the editor of Tabloid Headlines Sun 12/8/13 @11:17 CST:

Putting one little word after another, and isn't Nonhuman
Rights Project a bit of  a  misnomer  for a group seeking
human rights for a chimpanzee?

       

Dwarf -> <- Rowdy

In Breathitt, Clay, Knott, Leslie, Owsley and Perry  counties  in
eastern Kentucky,  all within a 20-mile radius of Yerkes,  in Per-
ry County,  you'll find the towns of Avawam,  Blue Hole,  Buck-
horn, Confluence, Cutshin, Dwarf,  Fisty,  Frew,  Happy,  Hima,
Hoskinston,   Leatherwood,   Lerose,   Rowdy,   Shoulderblade,
Sizerock, Slemp, Thousandsticks, Vicco, Viper, Whick, Wooton
and Yeaddiss.

                          

Agape gals: hairdresser Karen Stout, Alison Lundergan Grimes (Courier-Journal)

The fire chief of Owensburg, in Greene County, resigned after be-
ing outed for a Clutterbook Facebook  page  boasting that he was
a racist and a member of the Ku Klux Klan. . . .

Brown County converted its "leaf cam" to a "snow cam."

South Bend imposed dues and curfews on buskers. . . .

                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]

The city council had their pants in a wad over a proposal to license
and regulate golf carts in the Allen County town of New Haven.

                                            [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal Gazette]

A car rear-ended a school bus in Jeffersonville,  sending three
high school students to a hospital.
                                                                    [courtesy WHAS-TV]

      

Jennifer Wiseman, 37, was fired from her job at a minimum security prison in Lexington for having an affair with an inmate, and is charged with official misonduct and rape (Herald-Leader)

A disk jockey who ran a "revenge porn" web site was dropped as the
host of a New Year's Eve party at a Lexington bar after  a  Facebook
page was created in opposition. . . .


                                                                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Deron Higgins, BF, 21, 5'10", 160 lbs, Rios Yarelis, WF, 27, 5'2", 125 lbs, Laquita Sanford, BF, 32, 5'9", 150 lbs (Herald-Leader)

Senator Rand Paul said that extending unemployment benefits would
be a "disservice to these workers."
                                                                              [courtesy Fox News]

A man was shot by his own gun in the men's room at a Fazoli's restau-
rant in Elizabethtown after he placed it on a toilet paper dispenser and
it fell to the floor.
                                                                                [courtesy WLW-TV]

"It's like a modern version of how a cave man used to bash
 a woman over the head with a club."
                                                                 – Rachel Greer, whose sister Audrey was shot by a hun-
                                                                    ter in Lafayette, Georgia, and then began dating him

"People want to say Obama can't make these moves or he's not executing.
 That's because he ain't got those connections.  Black  people  don't  have
 the same level of connections as Jewish people."
                                                                                        – Kanye West

"Nelson Mandela – he was a communist, this man – but he was a great man."
                                                                                                                                – Bill O'Reilly

"If it's too good to be true, it probably is."
                                                                            – Paul Johnson, Secret Service
                                                                               special agent in Louisville, Ky.

"OK, I'm now gonna cross the other side of
 Mookie Street . . . ."
                                                                          – Gregory Warner, National Public Radio

" . . . Vitali Klitschko, . . . towering over opponents at a full two liters tall,
  6 feet, 7 inches  . . . "
                                                                                                                   – Corey Flintoff, NPR

"Florida State . . . will play Auburn for the [college football]
  championship on June 6 . . . ."
                                                                                                  – Nora Raum, NPR

" . . . Gabby Giffords . . . who was shot by a gunman . . . ."
                                                                                                  – Ted Robbins, NPR

" . . . wederal feb site . . . ."
                                                – Scott Horsley, NPR

Weather reporters on radio and TV were speaking Monday morning
of freezing rain and snow  "in the mid-Atlantic,"  as  if  that  were a
place. "Mid-Atlantic" classically means "characterized by a combi-
nation of both  British and American elements, influences, etc., e.g.:
mid-Atlantic  speech  patterns" (Webster's New World Dictionary).
If it is a place,  it's about halfway between New York  and London
(or Rio de Janeiro and Cape Town),  and nearly two miles deep.

Later  usage, in the United States, includes references to New York,
New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Maryland as "mid-Atlantic
Coast" states  –  i.e.,  between New England and the South touching
the coast of the Atlantic Ocean  –  but that's "the mid-Atlantic Coast
states,"  not "the mid-Atlantic."  If this keeps up,  we'll have as much
confusion as in the "Middle East" (or is that the "Near" East?), which
includes at least one country in Africa (some dictionaries run it as far
south as Sudan and as far west as Libya – and the U.S. has a "Middle
East Partnership Initiative" in Tunisia). There was a time when "Near
East" meant the Balkan countries of southeastern Europe. No wonder
there's no peace there!

Taylor Swift, 24
Carl Erskine, 87
Dick Van Dyke, 83
Bob Barker, 90
Kirk Douglas, 97

A 22-year-old woman  charged with pushing her husband
off a cliff in Glacier National Park after 8 days of marriage
pleaded guilty to second degree murder in Missoula, Mon-
tana. . . . A teacher was suspended at a Christian school in
Cincinnati, Ohio, after her nude photos turned up on a "re-
venge porn" web site. . . . An emotionally disturbed unarm-
ed man  shot  at  by police in New York City was charged
with assault after police bullets struck two bystanders. . . .
A car struck a deer in Virginia and the deer flew into a 27-
year-old woman jogging on  the  sidewalk, sending her to a
hospital  (the 71-year-old woman driving the car  also  was
hospitalized). . . . An elephant broke out of a circus in Rome
and wandered around a suburb for two hours. . . .  A couple
called 911 when they didn't get hash browns for breakfast at
a McDonald's in Mesa, Arizona. . . . The purported sign-lan-
guage interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial service in
Soweto  was  a  fake  waving his arms around meaninglessly,
advocates for the deaf said.

The University of Kentucky has become more about hair than about basketball: Last year's fashion statement, Nerlens Noel, now with the Philadelphia 76ers; this year's, Willie Cauley-Stein

   

unidentified Louisville Assumption High School volleyball hottie (Courier-Journal photo)

Dennis Rodman was returning to North Korea to train its national
basketball team.

Why do people call in to "Click and Clack, the Tappet Broth-
ers"  (Tom and Ray Magliozzi on National Public Radio's Car
Talk program),  just to be made fools of?
                                                                    Carrie in Carville, La.

    

Corporate hottie: Mary Barra, 51, new CEO at GM (AP photo)

Jeanetta wrote Sun 12/1/13 @09:16 CST:

Ya think it "shleeted" because the weather rock was
glassy and "shlick"?  Mebbe it jest rained and froze.

Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 12/1/13 @08:54 PST re the article that concluded

that two-thirds of global warming can be blamed on just 90 companies:

I know that industry and automobiles,  etc,  are signifi-
cant causes of global warming. But the scientists never
mention the 7+ billion humans  who inhale oxygen and
exhale carbon dioxide  as a contributing factor.  If  we
all held our breath for a week, I'd wager that the prob-
lem would be cut in half.

The Lexington Herald-Leader wrote Weds 11/27/13 @18:45 EST:

It will return next week, after the holiday.

    in reply to a query by the editor of Tabloid Headlines Weds 11/27/13 @08:37 CST:

What has become of my favorite column, Lexington's Most Wanted?

Anthony Dean wrote Sun 12/1/13 @02:14 CST re "file transfer protocol":

I entered the communications industry in 1972. The
phrase "communications protocol"  was in common
usage  at the time.  I was asked to teach a class on
data  communications  my second week on the job.
Part of the class included presenting a  communica-
tions  protocol.

OK, OK:  You win (linguistic puritans lose) on "protocol."

By "communications industry" we presume you mean you went to work
for a manufacturer of communications devices, such as telephones, tele-
visions, etc.  "Industry"  is another word often misused,  since Merriam-
Webster abandoned standards in 1961.

For example, we hear of the "beef industry."  You might say a slaughter-
house is engaged in industry, but the ranchers and farmers who supply it
are engaged in agriculture; and the grocers and McDonald'ses that sell
the product are engaged in sales or commerce, not industry.

Applying the term "communications industry" to news media is wrong,
too.  They are engaged in a service  (as opposed to goods, in "goods
and services").  And then there's the term  "service  industry."   That's
simply a self-contradiction.  (Some would call it an  "oxymoron,"  but
that's wrong, too.  An oxymoron is a figure of speech consisting of an
intentional self-contradiction for irony  – e.g.,  "crazy like a fox,"  or
"make haste slowly."  You can look it up.)

Four waiters at the Legends of Notre Dame Bar in South Bend will
share a $10,000 tip left by three men signing their credit cards Tips-
ForJesus on the day of the Southern California football game. . . .

A "floragraph" (portrait made of flowers) of an 11-year-old boy killed
in a car crash was displayed at a Mormon church in Terre Haute, and
will be on its way to the Donate Life float in the New Year's Day Tour-
nament of Roses in Pasadena, California. . . .

A hunter strained his back hauling a 300-pound deer he had shot out
of the forest in Decatur County.
                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Three jailbirds tried to dig through a wall to freedom in Martinsville (they
managed a hole only 6 inches in diameter before the noise they were ma-
king foiled them).
                                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

The audience began to fade near the end of a 2½-hour speech by Louis
Farrakhan in Indianapolis.
                                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A new court rule (patterned on a similar rule in the fed-
eral courts) will allow filing by "electronic means" upon
the election of any party.    "Documents sent through e-
lectronic mail shall be sent as an attachment in PDF or
similar format [our emphasis] . . . ."  (uh,  how 'bout
tin cans with strings?  Is that "similar" enough? . . . ).

                              [courtesy Kentucky Bar Association]


                                                                                                         [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted Starla Shields, WF, 35, 5'3", 155 lbs, Candy Jo Cuadro, WF, 30, 5'2", 105 lbs, Ann Lee Aults, WF, 28, 5'0", 150 lbs (Herald-Leader)

"I think when it's at the extreme and too much stress, there's a certain sense of
 panic and paralyzation."
                                                                                                – Mary Alvord, clinical psychologist

"The protest is sad because Wal-Mart has good prices."

                                                                                – shopper Ericka Talton in Ontario, California

"This isn't Toronto."
                                 – Bradford County, Florida, Sheriff Gordon Smith after the arrest of Hamp-
                                    ton (Florida) Mayor Barry Layne Moore for trafficking in Oxycodone

Britney Spears, 32
Monica Seles, 40
Lucy Liu, 45
Kim Basinger, 60
Jaye P. Morgan, 82
Jean-Luc Godard, 83

Jean Ritchie, 91

Police shot and killed a perp for the first time in history  in
Iceland. . . .Yellow shirts battled red shirts in Thailand. . . .
Francesca Pascale, 28,  appealed to Pope Jorge in behalf
of Silvio Berlusconi. . . . A prisoner escaped in Sweden to
go to the dentist, then returned. . . .Gay marriage was pro-
hibited in Croatia by popular vote. . . . Bob Dylan was un-
der hate crime investigation in France for  saying,  in Roll-
ing Stone last year, "Serbs can sense Croatian blood." . . .
The Nonhuman  Rights  Project  sued in New York to de-
clare a 26-year-old chimpanzee named Tommy  "a cogni-
tively complex autonomous  legal  person  with the funda-
mental legal right not to be imprisoned." .  .  .  People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals  demanded  that  Johns
Hopkins University  stop  using  rodents  in  erectile dys-
function experiments.

I have been with the same woman for six years, and now
she has asked me to marry her.  We get along terrifically,
but there is no closeness at bedtime.   She says she can't
cuddle  with  me  because she's been hurt so many times
in the past. We sleep with her three big dogs between us.

This does not seem fair to me.  If you're in love,  isn't  it
only natural to want to hold and cuddle the one you mar-
ry?  I'm terrified of making a wrong choice.  Please help
me.
                                                       Uncuddled in Utica

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 11/24/13 @07:56 PST:

I did not write that column.

Sorry, sir; that was a typo.  It's been corrected, below.  – Editor


Keith Durbin wrote Sun 11/24/13 @07:27 CST:

I was taught that Thomas Edison coined the word "Hello" when he
thought it would be a good way to answer the telephone.

That's eminently plausible, and it may well have been Edison who first said
"hello" as opposed to one of its earlier variants, such as "hallo," "hollo," or
"holla."  But what we are more curious about is what Thomas Watson said
when  he  answered  Alexander Graham Bell's first telephone call  (we  all
know  what Bell said).  – Ed.


Anthony Dean wrote Sun 11/24/13 @13:39 CST:

Here is an example of a communications protocol invented in 1971.
I do not think this was the first such protocol ever conceived.  I do
think that the word "protocol" was adopted to stress that the proce-
dure used is agreed upon by communicating parties – i.e., both par-
ties must use compatible procedures if they expect communication
to occur. It is in this way that such procedures resemble diplomatic
protocols.

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 11/24/13 @14:09 CST:

"Protocol is a  song  by  Gordon Lightfoot  on his 1976 album Summer-
time Dream  (which contaions also the song "Wreck of the Edmund Fitz-
gerald").  It's about kings and warriors ("Who are these ones who would
lead us now . . .  in the hills of France and on German soil,  from Saigon
to Wounded Knee . . . ?").

There was a whole album titled Protocol released in 1986  by someone
named Simon Phillips, and there was a British pop band called Protocol
(2005-2006).

It is clear from the article Mr. Dean has cited that what is now called "file
transfer protocol" was invented in 1971.  But was it  called  a  "protocol"
in 1971?   The  internet  was not always called the "internet,"  you  know
(and God was not always called Allah).

One of our favorite dictionaries on line is Webster's of 1828.  Its defini-
tion of "protocol" is "1. The original copy of any writing [not now used].
2.  A record or registry."  No mention of  diplomacy,  let alone the inter-
net, you notice (and, the phrase in brackets is in the presentation on line,
not  added  here – whether it was in the original is questionable;  see the
1913, below).  The "Online Etymology Dictionary" says the use of "pro-
tocol" in English  meaning  "diplomatic rules of etiquette"  was  "first re-
corded [in] 1896."

Webster's of 1913 on line contains this curious entry for "protocol":  "1.
The original copy of any writing, as of a deed, treaty, dispatch, or other
instrument  [yet so used  or so used anew,  apparently – Tabloid Head-
lines'   bracketed  commentary  this  time].   2. The  minutes,  or rough
draught, of an instrument or transaction. 3. (Diplomacy) (a) A prelimi-
nary document upon the basis of which negotiations are carried on. (b)
A  convention  not  formally  ratified. (c) An agreement of diplomatists
indicating the results reached by them at a particular stage of a negotia-
tion.   <--  4. A strict code of etiquette for conduct of behavior among
diplomatic or military personnel.  5.  A detailed plan for conduct  of  a
scientific or medical experiment  or procedure. A term used especially
in conduct of medical research requiring approval of a regulatory agen-
cy. --> "

Our underscoring. Q.E.D., except, definitions 4 and 5 – the matter with-
in the arrows ( <-- --> – in the dictionary on line, not our arrows)  –  are
not  in  other  presentations  we have seen of the 1913 publication.   So,
who stuck 'em in here, and when?  This brings up one of our pet peeves:
There are no standards.   Who gave anyone the right to edit a book 100
(or 185) years old?  Wikipedia is one thing;  this is another.  We think it
was our frequent correspondent Len Zanger  who  said, "You can prove
anything if you Google long and deep enough."

Here's some more fun:  If you go to the  One Look Dictionary Search  on
line and enter the word  "protocol,"  you'll get 117 definitions in 10 differ-
ent fields: "general," "art," "business," "computing," "medicine," "miscel-
laneous," "science," "slang," "sports" and "tech" (no "diplomacy").

We have another dictionary,  published in 1957, in which only diplomat-
tic definitions of the word appear.

The discredited Protocols of the Elders of Zion were published in 1903.

The police chief of Knightstown submitted to being shot by a stun gun at
a fund raiser for a squad car.
                                                        [courtesy Fort Wayne News-Sentinel]

The manager of a Pizza Hut in Elkhart was fired for refusing to open on
Thanksgiving Day (but was offered reinstatement later in the day).

                                                                          [courtesy WSBT-TV, NBC]

The Amish  (or Mennonite – you can tell by the name, Ammon Imhoff,
and the mode of transportation)  driver  of  a  horse-drawn vehicle  was
killed when a van struck him from behind on a state highway in Elkhart
County.  Initial reports said he was driving  a  buggy;  but  WSBT-TV of
South Bend and other media said it was  a  piece  of  "farm  equipment."
The Goshen News (the nearest local paper) initially called it a buggy but
referred to it merely as a "horse-drawn vehicle" in later reports.

It  was  the second rear-ending of a horse-drawn vehicle in the area in
five days.  The first, with severe injuries but no death, occurred in sou-
thern Michigan.  We searched local media, including the Elkhart Truth,
the Goshen News,  the South Bend Tribune,  the  Fort Wayne Journal-
Gazette, the Sturgis [Michigan] Journal, and WSBT-TV in South Bend,
without learning whether the  horse,  in either incident,  was injured or
killed (call the Humane Society, please, as "Dear Eleanor" might say).

But the Journal-Gazette reported  that a horse pulling an Amish buggy
in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania – near Philadelphia – was killed in
a recent drive-by shooting.

The Sturgis Journal reported also that a man from Shipshewana, Indiana,
the heart of the Mennonite community in northern Indiana,  was injured
when his automobile rolled over  after he attempted to pass a horse and
buggy in St. Joseph County, Michigan, and a piece of paper flew up and
struck him in the face.

[courtesy Indianapolis Star, Elkhart Truth, Goshen News, WKZO-TV
  of Kalamazoo, Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette, Sturgis Journal, WSBT]

A gay couple were fined a penny apiece by a jury that found them guilty of
trespassing  for remaining in the Jefferson County Clerk's office  in  Louis-
ville after closing,  demanding a marriage license.
                                                                                    [courtesy WFPL-FM]

Ecumenism in Edmonson County: The Pine Grove United Baptist Church, on the new Alexander Creek Road in upper Pine Grove, and the Pine Grove Presbyterian Church, on the old Chalybeate School Road in lower Pine Grove, have come to agreement on one doctrinal tenet, regarding deliverance: No heavy trucks (Tabloid Headlines photos)

A chunk of ice the size of Singapore broke off Antarctica and
was adrift at sea (and it doesn't have a Wal-Mart). . . .

Susan Atkins lookalike hottie "Star," 25, said she and Charles
Manson would be married  (and she buys her lipstick at Wal-
Mart).

"Lawyers, like clerics, prosper on the misery of others.  What would lawyers do if everyone
 became peaceful, honorable and just?  What would the preachers do if the Devil was saved?"
 
                                          – Edwin F. Kagin, National Legal Director, American Atheists Inc.

"We have two guiding principles . . . :  The first is home interior design.  The second is
  following the law."
                                       – IKEA's Ylva Magnusson, explaining the deletion of an interview
                                          with a lesbian couple from the Russian edition of its customer
                                          magazine, citing Russian law prohibiting "gay propaganda"

"I could yank all day and not break this thing."

                         – Mark McGlothlin, developer of condoms made from beef tendons and fish skin

Jenna Bush and her sister Barbara, 32
Nadezhda Olizarenko, 60
Randy Newman, 70
Percy Sledge, 73

Two-thirds of global warming can be blamed on just  90
companies, according to an article in the journal Climat-
ic Change  ("The decision makers, the CEOs or the min-
isters  of coal and oil,  if you narrow it down to just one
person,  they  could  all fit on a Greyhound bus or two,"
said author Richard Heede). . . . A shark almost choked
to death on a moose on the coast of Newfoundland. . . .
Eighteen medical students were expelled for dancing the
lezginka in the streets of Kislovodsk in southern Russia.
. . . Psychologists identified a fifth level of boredom. . . .
Vanity  license  plates  prohibited  in  Sweden  included
KÖRFORT ("Drive fast"), SCROTUM, and OD 666km
(a depiction of an odometer reading). . . .  A drone mini-
helicopter was used in an attempt to smuggle tobacco in-
to a Georgia prison. . . .  "Black Friday" shoppers rioted
at Wal-Marts in Johnson City, Tenn., Yuma, Ariz., Phila-
delphia, Pa.,  Bakersfield, Calif., and Atlanta, Ga., Gar-
field, N.J.,  and Elkin, N.C. . . . Dozens were arrested in
labor protests at Wal-Marts nationwide.

         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, AP]

It's basketball hottie season again! Louisville Assumption high school junior Nora Kiesler is 6'6" tall! University of Lousville's Megan Dienes soars over Ohio's Kat Yelle (Megan's last name is pronounced 'DYE-nez,' by the way – we were curious, and we knew you would be (Courier-Journal)

Dear Eleanor:

My husband and I have the same argument  every  year
around Thanksgiving.   He says there is a difference be-
tween stuffing and dressing. I say they're the same thing,
except that stuffing is baked in the turkey while dressing
is baked separately in a casserole dish.

My husband insists I'm wrong – that the difference has
nothing to do with how it's cooked.  He thinks stuffing
is made with regular bread while dressing is made with
cornbread.

Who's right?
                                                                            Dessie

Dear Dess:
                        You're right; your husband is stupid.

                        Write me again when you have a problem.

Hank Hebhoe's holiday chili recipe:

• 2 lbs. of hamburger (the fatter, the better)
• 1 can of chili beans (Bush's, if you can get that brand in your town)
• 1 can of kidney beans (Bush's, if you can get that brand in your town)
• 2 big green peppers (sliced and diced)
• 1 huge yellow onion (sliced and diced)
• 1 stalk of celery (diced)
• a small palmful of chili powder
• 12 oz. of Heinz ketchup
• 1 dollop of Tiger sauce
• 2 dollops of Tabasco sauce
• several dollops of Louisiana hot sauce
• half a dollop of apple cider vinegar
• one-fourth of a dollop of baby possum piss
  

Brown the hamburger, in finger-sized blivets, in a heavily salted skillet;
throw them in a pot,  add the other ingredients,  stir,   bring  to  a  boil
(stirring frequently), and then simmer for an hour or three.  Feeds two
for three days or a dozen for one chili supper.

And, remember:  There are three criteria for good chili.  It has to be:

1. thick,
2. hot, and
3. greasy.
   

Tabloid Headlines staff, picking up the receiver:  "Hello."

[pause of nearly 5 seconds]

Caller:  "Hello, may I speak to Hello?"

FBI's most wanted: Hazel Leota Head