Jeanetta Girard wrote Mon 9/19/16 @09:57 CDT:

I thought the purpose of laws  against  incest  was to pre-
vent the production of idiots, but in the case of the moth-
er who married her daughter,  what's the point?  (1) They
are not going to reproduce,  and (2) the idiots have alrea-
dy been produced.

The red covered bridge design got 54 per cent of the 331,000
votes on line and will  be  on  the  state's  new  license  plates
(here are all three competitors). . . .

A 19-year-old New Whiteland woman wrong-number texted a
policeman with an offer of meth (she was arrested). . . .

An injured two-foot-long alligator, probably having fallen or
been thrown from a vehicle,  was found beside I-65 in India-
napolis (it died before Animal Rescue arrived). . . .

A 53-year-old man in Lynn left his mother in a chair for three
months after she  broke her hip. . . .

A robbery suspect in Terre Haute, handcuffed behind his back,
drove off in the police car he was placed in  (he was recaptur-
ed,  still  handcuffed,  after  banging  into several other police
cars). . . .

An egg farm that would house 2 million hens was in the works
in Warrick County.
                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

angekail.jpg, South Bend's (Berrien County, Mich.'s) most wanted: Angel Kelly, WF, a/k/a "Left Eye Lisa," 5'5", 130 lbs, identity deception; Jeremy Russell Davis, WM, larceny in a building; Kaili Horton, WF, 5'4", auto theft, deadly throat (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A Libertarian candidate for Congress  from Clarksville,  In-
diana, was arrested on a highway in Louisville for signaling
a turn with his middle finger.
                                                     [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A former juvenile service worker  was  fined  for  using  the
state's internet system to threaten the boy friend of a friend's
daughter  to get him to return the  girl's  dog  (for more dumb
dog news, see the Bonus). . . .

Fayette County Family Court Judge Tim Philpot, addressing
the religious Francis Asbury Society,  called "gay marriage"
an oxymoron like "jumbo shrimp" and "magnificent chihua-
hua"  and said the Supreme Court decision legalizing it was
"pretty close to insane." . . .

A Beattyville man was fined $500 for stripping bark off elm
trees in the Daniel Boone National Forest.

                                       [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]



  

terouwsey.jpg, Lexington's most wanted: Teresa Weise, WF, 41, slovenly; Derlando Ragland, BM, 32, 5'6", 140 lbs, his dad is from DeLand, Florida, and his mom is from Orlando; so, they compromised on his name; Meggan McCain, WF, 39, 5'2", 105 lbs, underfed; Cassandra Rowsey, WF, 26, 5'5", no kin to Ronda Rousey (terowsey.jpg); devetaur.jpg, Deverious Jones, BM, 22, 5'7", 125 lbs, delirious; Danielle Wilson, BF, 19, blowin' in the wind; Billie Ketcham, WF, 42, 5'3", 145 lbs, Danielle's mother; Taurus Mayhorn, BM, 27, 5'9", 145 lbs, mayhem in a china shop (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Natty Bumppo has his head so far up Hank Hebhoe's ass  you can't tell them apart." – Leonard Simon

taqangel.jpg, Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Taquan Brown, W(!)M, 26, 6'0", 220 lbs, forgery, possession of drugs and paraph.; Angela Reeder, WF, 38, 5'1", 120 lbs, assault on a public servant; Wanted in Waco: Areion D. Coleman, BM, 27, 5' 10", 160 lbs, aggravated robbery; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Davina Smallwood, BF, 31, 5'4", 240 lbs, escape from work release

A two-mile beer pipeline was installed under the cobble-
stone streets of Bruges,  in  Belgium. . . . Diego the giant
tortoise sired more than 800 hatchlings in the Galápagos,
saving his species.  . . .  A woman was charged with fail-
ing to report a death  after her mother’s body was found
in a freezer sold at a yard sale in Goldsboro North Caro-
lina. . . .  A Northumbrian man  called  101  (the British
Isles' equivalent of  911)  to report his former girl friend
for withholding his hamster and  feeding  it  excessively,
leaving it "looking like a fat little pig." . . . A Chinese ty-
coon's son bought his dog,  Coco,  eight I-Phone 7's and
two gold Apple watches. . . . "Brangelina" bit the dust.

      [courtesy Harper's, the Frisky, HuffPost, Raw Story]

Our neighbor's cat kept getting into our yard.  After trying to
be nice,  I went to the animal control office and borrowed a
cat-catcher.  I bought two cans of  cheap  cat  food,  opened
one, and placed it in the cage.  When I caught the cat, I took
it to the animal control office.   They fined my neighbor $50
and told her next time it would be $100.  I  still  have  a  can
of cat food left.
                                Oregon

lifesv06.jpg Rock on, Dude! You're a saint! (to Mother-Theresa-caped Keith Richards)

Publius Leget wrote Sun 9/11/16 @10:10 CDT:

Whitney Houston, not Whiney Houston.

Intentional typo.    – Editor


Jeanetta Girard wrote Mon 9/12/16 @09:09 CDT, re
the Trumpster's  swinging  and  swaying  at the black
church in Detroit:

A bobblehead has more rhythm.

and, re Kentucky's decision to save money by no long-
er mailing driver's license renewal notices:

How are we supposed to remember?

You'll remember when you get a ticket for driving
on an expired license.    – Editor

Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 9/12/16 @07:10 PDT:

If those dumb hillbillies would just charge an
additional 34 cents per license, they'd have e-
nough money to mail out those postcards.

Honkin de Spain wrote Mon 9/5/16 re the Notre Dame
football player who tackled a policeman:

Well, he did go for the pig skin.

A Zionsville fertility doctor was accused of donating his own
sperm to sire about 50 children. . . .

A Brownstown man who unsuccessfully applied for a teaching
and coaching job at Spring Valley Schools in French Lick was
accused of mailing four dead skunks and a dead raccoon to the
man who got the position,  and  placing telephone calls to offi-
cials accusing the man of having sex with a student. . . .

A 24-year-old man beat his girl friend's 2-year-old daughter to
death in Plymouth because she wet the bed.

                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]


 

South Bend's most wanted: Frankie Shaw, WF, 5'7", 130 lbs, coke, firewater; Douglas Know, WM, 5'10", 160 lbs, battery; Tomika McLeod, BF, 5'9", 170 lbs, coke, firewater (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Laticia Marie Palmer, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Jeremy Russell Davis, WM, larceny in a building; Vernetta Latrice Childs, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon

Governor Selfie told the Value Voters Conference in Washing-
ton that people may have to  shed blood  to preserve religious
and conservative values. . . .

A 52-year-old Danville woman was killed,  and  her 15-year
old daughter and the daughter's 21-year-old boy friend, from
Arlington,  Indiana,  were found in Tucumcari, New Mexico,
two days later with the mother's car ("I can tell you I hate my
daughter," the father said). . . .

A man in a stolen car being chased by police in Lexington got
out,  ran into the woods  and jumped in a pond to avoid arrest.
Police just waited for him by the side of the pond  about  half
an hour until he got tired and swam back to shore.

                                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Daisy Bradshaw, WF, 45, 5'3", 200 lbs, up from 180; Aldo Aacevedo, HM, 32, up to no good; Krystal Johnson, WF, 25, a pox is upon her; Lindsey Henson, WF, 22, 5'6", 125 lbs, lost; Jamie Culver, WF, 27, 5'5", 125 lbs, lost; Angelia Drake, BF, 53, 6'0", 200 lbs, gained

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "So my friend Dr. Kasarian was reported for having sex with a patient,   and his license was suspended,  and his wife left him.  'But,  Steve!'  I   said.  'You're a veterinarian!'  'You tell them,'  he said." – Leonard Simon

An "ATM" at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio, was dispensing
pizza, not bills and coins.

Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas: Karlee Janiece Gilmore, WF, theft; Melissa Kay Clairday, WF, theft; Desmond Jaroy Matthews, BM, failure to identify a fugitive; Latasha Renée Ayayla, BF, manufacture and delivery of (you know); Kayla Renée Smith, WF, fraudulent identification (Texoma Crime Stoppers)

A semitrailer spilled about $81,000  worth  of  unstamped
pennies on I-95 in Delaware. . . .  A woman and her moth-
er were charged with incest  after marrying one another in
Oklahoma. . . .  All  ads  in a London subway station were
replaced with pictures of cats. . . .  A falling 5-pound cat-
fish hit a woman in the face in Philadelphia.  .  .  .  A man
who told police he saw  a  creepy  clown  in Winston-Sa-
lem,  North  Carolina,  and chased it into the woods  was
arrested for a false report. . . .A man challenging custody
and supervised visitation  stabbed  his  6-year-old daugh-
ter  to  death  in front of two national park rangers  on the
Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina and told them "It's
what she wanted." . . . A  girl's  dismembered  body  was
found a day after her 10th birthday in Albuquerque,  New
Mexico,  and her mother admitted she had given  the  girl
methamphetamine to calm her down  while  the  mother's
boy friend and his female cousin raped the girl. . . . Fifty-
three Republican legislators in Tennessee signed  a  peti-
tion by the Family Rights Council to deny visitation to a
lesbian getting a  divorce  from  the children's artificially
inseminated birth mother.

      [courtesy Harper's, the Frisky, HuffPost, Raw Story]

The National Football League's Kansas City Chiefs  stood  and lock-
ed arms during  the  National  Anthem  before their game against the
visiting San Diego Chargers (but cornerback Marcus Peters, a black,
with an arm free at the right end of the line, raised his fist). . . .

High school football players across the nation took the knee during
the National Anthem. . . .

Vin Scully, 88, said he would retire at the end of the season after 67
years as baseball broadcast announcer for the Brooklyn-come-Los
Angeles Dodgers. . . .

Two men stormed the Dancing With the Stars stage on a live telecast
attempting to attack Ryan Lochte. . . .

"How do archers resist the temptation to fire arrows  at  everyone  in
  the spectator gallery?"    – the Onion

My wife of 15 years is a beautiful lady I find more attractive
every day.  I compliment her often,  but her self-image is not
real good.  She's a top-level executive – not your "girly-girl"
type.   She has never been the sexy-dress type,  in  the  bed-
room or out in public.  She doesn't have to dress up for work
every day and prefers wearing sweats at home.

I have asked her for a  special  night  out  in which she would
dress up for me, just a bit on the sexy side, followed by some
late-night "fun" at home.  She laughs me off and says I'm silly.

I'm not the only one who finds her attractive.  She gets compli-
ments all over.  How do I deal with this?
                                                                    Hoping in Hibbing

lifesv05.jpg Fantazie on, Dude! (to boob-imposed photo of Hope Solo)

A pickup truck driver was arrested for hit and run from a horse-
drawn buggy in Madison County. . . .

A jury awarded a South Bend youth $18 for being punched, ta-
sered and handcuffed by police in a case of mistaken identity. . . .


            

South Bend's most wanted: Tameika Mikens, BF, 5'4", 130 lbs, battery; Brandi Rohrer, WF, 5'6", 175 lbs, dealing meth & firewater; David Burns, WM, 5'4", 145 lbs, residential entry; Tosha Roberts, WF, 5'8", 165 lbs, violation of court order, 2d appearance (see 3/13); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Harold John Baker, WM, Uttering and publishing; Rita Rene Mayo, UF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Prentice Michael Murphy, BM, absconding parole, tampering with electronic monitor (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Franciscan Alliance, of Mishawaka,  founded by the Sisters of
St. Francis of Perpetual Adoration,  was  changing  its name to
Franciscan Health  and dropping saints' names from 12 hospit-
als in Indiana and Illinois – e.g., Franciscan St. James hospitals
in Chicago Heights and Olympia Fields, Illinois,  will  become
Franciscan  Health  Chicago Heights Hospital  and  Franciscan
Health Olympia Fields Hospital, respectively.  Saints biting the
dust in Indiana will be St. Francis in Carmel,  Indianapolis  and
Mooresville, St. Anthony in Crown Point and Michigan City, St.
Elizabeth in Crawfordsville and Lafayette (two Saints Elizabeth
there), and  St.  Margaret  in Dyer and Hammond). . . .

A 63-year-old Munster woman got Paul McCartney's autograph
on her arm and had it tattooed. . . .

Thomas Platt,  a biology professor at St. Mary of the Woods Col-
lege,  near South Bend,  and  distant  relative  of  Barack Obama,
named a parasitic flatworm found in turtles Baracktrema obamai,
after the President.
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A judge for Wayne and Russell counties was suspended for hav-
ing a witness arrested for avoiding a subpoena  and  leaving her
in jail for more than two months  without holding a hearing,  set-
ting bond or appointing a lawyer for her (the suspension, for on-
ly two weeks, was conveniently scheduled around the Christmas
holidays, from December 17 to December 30). . . .

Two 18-year-old men lying on railroad tracks in Whitley County
were run over and killed by a train. . . .

The state decided to quit mailing out driver's license renewal no-
tices in order to save $250,000 a year.

                                           [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"We are delighted to have with us three wounded members from the U.S. Air Force . . . ."

                                 – announcer at the U.S. Open tennis tournament, introducing Broadway singer
                                    Sydney James Harcourt for the latest molestation of the National Anthem

"It was a little nod to Kaepernick and everything that he’s standing for right now."

           – Megan  Rapinoe,  U.S. women’s soccer team star  (she was a little mixed up – San Francisco
              49'ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has not been standing for anything; he has been sitting
              on the bench during the playing of the National Anthem,  in protest of racism – and Rapinoe
              did not stand, either;  she  knelt  during the National Anthem before a professional game be-
              tween her Seattle Reign and the host Chicago Red Stars)

"For me, any hole is lost product."
                                                             – Robyn Wendt, B&B owner in Cape May, N.J. , grousing
                                                                about empty rooms resulting from Hurricane Hermine
"What is Aleppo?"
                                  – Gary Johnson

"We decapitated Osama bin Laden."
                                                                – former Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-Calif.)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "I bought some candy at the Dollar Store for  a  dollar;  but the price came to   $1.06 with sales tax, and I had left all my change in the car.  So I said to the   clerk,  who was new,  'Wait;  I'll be right back.'   She was kind of cute;   and   she said, 'No, I can pay  the rest,' as she reached for the 'penny bucket.'   So   I said, 'Can I have your telephone number? We've just met, and already you-   're giving me money!'  And she said, 'It's only six cents.' " – Leonard Simon

Mr. Simon,  Barry Wood (perhaps Tabloid Headlines sports' greatest fan) and I
went out to breakfast together at an IHOP in Bowling Green, Ky., and were at-
tended by a pleasant and jocular young waiter named Dylan (this was worn os-
tensibly, perhaps even proudly, on a name tag on his uniform).

Mr. Simon and Mr. Wood jumped on the opportunity:  "Are you related to Bob
Dylan?" they asked, almost simultaneously.

"Nah," Dylan disappointed them, smiling.  "It's my first name."

So I asked, "Are you related to Dylann Roof?"

My allusion completely escaped Leonard and Barry, but it did not escape Dyl-
an:  "No!" he protested, smiling.  "Different spelling!"

So I asked if he was related to Dylan Klebold.

"No!" Dylan protested, no longer smiling.  "First name!"

See the Trumpster try to get rhythm at a black church
in Detroit. . . . Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte,
who last year, before his election,  called Pope Jorge
Francis a "son of a bitch," now has called U.S. Presi-
dent Obama a "son of a whore" (or called both a son
of whore or a son of a bitch; the news agencies seem
to be having some difficulty with their translation  of
"putang ina" from the Tagalog [or the Filipino;  that's
not clear either]). .  .  .  A  5-year-old  boy  returning
home alone from a visit with family in the Dominican
Republic was placed on the wrong flight,  landing  in
Boston instead of New York,  where  another  5-year-
old boy, carrying the first boy's passport, was present-
ed to the first boy's mother. . . .A communications sat-
ellite intended to spread ClutterbookFacebook across
Africa went up in an explosion on launch at Cape Ca-
naveral, Florida. . . . A man in Stuart, Florida,  posted
his "Wanted" poster as his ClutterbookFacebook pro-
file picture (he was arrested).
                                                [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas: Yolanda Jeffries, BF, 55, 5'9", 180 lbs, probation violation, false ID; Ross David Fairchild, WM, 26, 6'1", 170 lbs, probation violation, burglary; Chelsea Kayla King, WF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, theft (Wichita Falls crime Stoppers)

The tattooed Czech Karolina Pliskova,  perhaps the ugliest con-
tender  since Martina Navratilova, lost the U.S. women's tennis
open tournament to the untattooed German  Angelique Kerber,
arguably the ugliest,  without grunting  (Kerber began grunting,
or shrieking,  early in the third of three sets). . . .

Real reasons to sit out the National Anthem (a Tabloid Head-
lines editorial):

People are up in arms  about San Francisco 49'ers quar-
terback Colin Kaepernick's  riding the bench during the
playing or singing of  the  National  Anthem  at National
Football League games, and the black power fist salutes
at the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City.  As the children of
veterans,  we  understand.   But why don't they ride the
bench  when it is desecrated by the likes of José Felici-
ano,  Jimi Hendrix, Whiney Houston (she's the one who
started the vocal overreach,  at Super Bowl XXV in 19-
91, in Tampa, Florida),  Rascal Flatts, the Fray,  Mary J.
Bilge, Beyondsay, Jordin Sparks and Martina McBride?
For  the  "ten  worst,"  go to Scar_Mangled_Banner.com,
which has embedded YouTube renditions by Kat DeLu-
na, Roseanne Barr,  Michael Bolton, Scott Stapp, Aaron
Neville and Aretha Franklin (duet), Steven Tyler, R. Kel-
ly, Christina Aguilera, Josh Groban and Keri Hillson (De-
Luna,  ranked worst,  and Aguilera both sang "twilight's
last reaming").

And here's the latest travesty:  Sydney James Harcourt at
the U.S. Open tennis tournament on Labor Day.

My daughter has two kids, ages 9 and 5.  My husband and I
saw the 5-year-old's report card,  and we gave her  a  dollar.
We also saw our 9-year-old grandson's  report  card,  which
was excellent;  so we gave him $5.  He was so excited.

The following week our daughter returned $4 of the money
we had given her son. She said both children should get the
same amount.  I  was  devastated  that she took a gift away
from our grandson.  I told her that since he is going into the
fourth grade, he should get more than his younger sister.

My husband feels that our daughter's generation is changing
things by giving each child the same gift,  regardless  of  the
occasion.   I know our granddaughter complained when she
saw that her brother received more money.   She  whines  a
lot, but we're not certain that's why her mother returned the
money.

If our grandson stays with us  and  we  take  him somewhere,
we have to buy something for our granddaughter, even when
she is not with us.  And vice versa.

Can you give us your take on this?
                                                                New York Grandma

Live Saver Dude: lifesv04.jpg Dude! Do orange lives matter? orange Trump

Shawna Girgis, mayor of Bedford, said greenways are important (Indianapolis Star)

Pupils at a middle school in Sullivan were campaigning to have
a particular breed of firefly named the state insect. . . .

The owner of the only Frank Lloyd Wright house in Fort Wayne
sued to remove its historic designation. . . .

An Indianapolis woman on trial for beating her 7-year-old son
with a coat hanger raised the state's "religious objections" law
in her defense.
                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Jennifer Hardiman, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, too much firewater (and turkey); Thomas Schott, WM, 5'10", 145 lbs, theft; Denise Culp, WF, 5'8", 135 lbs, community corrections violation, theft (Denise is a repeat offender in Tabloid Headlines - and she looks a little more feminie than when she appeared in these pages in 2014) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

They're called  "Pennsylvania  stars" or "bar n stars"  –  but in rural Ken- tucky and Indiana,  these good luck charms are as likely to be  seen  on houses  as  on  bar ns.  All the stars shown here were photographed  by Tabloid  Headlines   in  Edmonson County, Kentucky – on a house on Mammoth Cave Road  (right),   on three buildings on Pig Road  (pho- tos 2, 4 and 5) and on a house and a pizzeria in the county seat   (3,  6 and 7),  Brownsville.

   

    

    

"The American liberal press, in falling over themselves [sic] to defend Hillary Clinton, are [sic]
  erecting a demon . . . ."
                                                     – Julian Assange

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "No sexbot ever broke my fucking heart." – Leonard Simon

India’s tourism minister said foreign women should not wear skirts
or walk alone at night in small towns. . . . The President of Mexico
was found to have plagiarized his law school thesis. . . . Anti-immi-
grationists entered the Old Town Square in Prague, Czech,  leading
a camel and a goat, carrying toy submachine guns, and shouting "Al-
lahu akbar!" . . . The U.S.' Trader Joe's got the green light from a U.-
S. appeals court in its trademark infringement suit against Canada's
Pirate  Joe's. . . . A federal judge denied Citigroup's motion  for  an
injunction  against  AT&T's  "thanks"  signature  as infringing on its
own "thankyou."  .  .  . The University of Chicago  rejected  "trigger
warnings" and "safe spaces." . . .  A family in Turkey got food pois-
oning at a dinner party celebrating their recovery from food poison-
ing. . . . KFC introduced Extra Crispy Sunscreen, which smells like
fried chicken.  . . .  A woman was arrested in Ontario,  Canada,  for
feeding  bottled  water  to  hogs  in a truck headed for the slaughter-
house. . . . A vice premier of North Korea was  executed for falling
asleep at a meeting with Kim Jong-un.
                                                                     [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Waylaid in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): John T. Baker, BM, 37, a/k/a Tyree Johnson, 5'11", 210 lbs, fraudulent driver's license (City of Wichita); Wanted in Waco: Amber Nicole Calverley, WF, 34, 5'3", 240 lbs, credit card abuse (Waco Crime Stoppers)

The Rio Olympics were reported to be the  lowest  rated  (on  TV)  and
least watched since 2000. . . .

But Hope Solo, Ryan Lochte and Usain Bolt will soon be guests at Borf
Books' Weekly World News Round Table. . . .

Tim Tebow tried out for baseball (we'll invite him, too).

Last weekend a mutual friend of "Laura" and me had people
over for a barbecue.  She's a social butterfly,  and at least 75
people were there.  I knew a dozen of them and enjoyed cat-
ching up and meeting  new  people;  but in a couple of hours
my sociometer blew out, and I was ready to go home and go
to bed.  I didn't want to take the trouble to say  good-bye  to
everyone I knew there;  so I just said good night to people in
my vicinity and stepped out.

An hour later Laura texted asking where I'd gone. When I told
her I was home, she said it was rude of me to  "ghost."  I have
never thought of this as rude;  it's a  time-saver  for everybody.
I hate interrupting conversational flow to tell people  I'm  leav-
ing,  especially  when others chime in, "Oh, I  should get going,
too."  That makes me feel like I've killed the party.   Is  it  bad
manners  to  "ghost"?
                                                            – Tiptoeing to Tomorrow