(this issue went to press two days earlier, as the Editor was engaged in week-
end travel – if we missed anything, we'll make it up next week):

Fred Dean wrote Sun 6/17/18 @10:43 PDT re Miss America:

Right on,  Steve.  Celebrating feminine beauty was the main
point of the Miss America pageant.  If society is offended by
that, there is no reason to preserve it.

J. Ewing wrote Sun 6/17/18 @14:49 EDT:

Let's hope the next scripture spewed forth by Jeff Sessions to
justify child immigrant separation is not Psalms 137:9:

King James ver.:  "Happy shall he be that taketh and
                   dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

New International ed.:  "Happy is the one who seizes
          your infants and dashes them against the rocks."

Dumb news from Indiana:          Huge hickies on their necks exposed          a makeout session  between a former          cheerleading  coach   at   Bloomfield          High School,  Morgan Judy, 23,  and          a 16-year-old male student  (she was          charged with seduction).                                                  [court. WBIW]

Stormy Daniels appeared at the Westland Pony Club on Indianap-
olis' West Side in her "Make America Horny Again" tour.

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

jalanwit.jpg South Bend's most wanted: James Hudson, WM, 5'6", 155 lbs, probation violaton; Willie Alsanders, BM, 5'7", 150 lbs, parole violation, upside down ears; Jalan Dean Whitney, WM, larceny in a building (it's OK outdoors in Michigan); Jowel Demetrius Bradley, BM, criminal sexual conduct; Lotoya Denyall Henderson, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The grandmother of Zackary Farmer, a 2018 graduate of
Edmonson County High School,  confirmed to the Editor
of Tabloid Headlines  that  the Edmonson News had mis-
spelled the boy's name Zacjary (we did not inquire of her
son's misspelling of "Zachary.").

renatosh.jpg Lexington's most wanted: RenatoBenites, WM (sic), 20, 5'9", 200 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, wanton endangerment; Samantha Wilmore, WF, 26, 5'7", 151 lbs, wanton everything; Shakira Townsend, BF, 30, 4'11", 150 lbs, public liability; Ronnell Sutter, BM, 27, 5'9", 158 lbs, lacivious drudge; Kristen Perkins, WF, 24, 5'1", entered Yorkshire hog contest but refused to be weighed (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said March 22, 2015): "When gifting a woman, always include a dildo, so that if she   is unappreciative she can go fuck herself." – Leonard Simon

A grandmother,  46,  fought off a rabid bobcat in her front yard in Hart
County, Georgia, strangling it to death. . . . A 23-foot python swallow-
ed a woman whole in Indonesia, the second in little over a year; and an
18-footer  wrapped itself  around  a forest ranger showing off with it in
West Bengal, India. . . . Poop fell on a woman and her sun throuigh the
sunroof of their automobile in Kelowna, British Columbia, as they saw
a passenger plane fly overhead. . . . A  29-pound  cat  showed up at the
Pasadena, California, Humane Society shelter (there's video).

                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

sarahser.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sarah Kathleen Patterson, WF, 23, 5'1", 120 lbs, tattoos on left leg and right hand, opiates; Sergey Vladimirovich Arkov, WM, 27, 5'11", 210 lbs, flee and elude, prob. viol.; Jillian e. Bortz, WF, 29, a/k/a 'Jailhouse Honey,' 5'7", 147 lbs, opiates, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

amandaro.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Amanda Milsap, WF, 34, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Rosalia Sirena Marentes, HF, 22, 5'1", 135 lbs, injury to elderly person; Erika Lynn Chaney, WF, 28, 5'5", 120 lbs, morphine, injury to a child; Rena Lynn Arrazola, HF, 31, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Wanted in Waco: Tomeka Latrisse Davidson, 43, 5'7", 130 lbs, probation violation, assault w/a deadly weapon (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of Waco)

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intel- lectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books out- side Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers  lined  up  for meetings  in  the  near  future  include  Rebel Wilson.

A 14-year-old boy shot five other children at a birthday party in
Indianapolis, one of them fatally. . . .

A 4-year-old boy in Lake County found a handgun under his ba-
by-sitters' bed and shot himself to death. . . .

A Brownsburg high school orchestra teacher submitted his resig-
nation over a policy requiring teachers to address pupils by their
chosen "transgender" names instead of their birth names; and he
tried to rescind it, but the school board accepted it anyway. . . .

Descendants and relatives of the two black men lynched  in Ma-
ion in 1930 are opposing plans for a public memorial to the two,
saying they were not consulted by the Alabama-based  sponsors
who hope to place a memorial stone at every lynching site in A-
merica  (the lynching was depicted in  an  infamous  newspaper
photograph,  and the spectators were depicted in a more recent-
ly infamous mural).
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

shortawil.jpg South Bend's most wanted: John Thomas, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs intimidation, residential entry; Shonta Henderson, BF, 5'8", 170 lbs, intimitation, auto theft, battery; Danielle Ruff, WF, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Adam Miller, WM, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary; Willis Martell, parole violation; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Lloyd Delorance, unarmed robbery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

modrncot.jpg The 'Horse Shoe Camp Modern Cottages' motel on U.S. 31-W, main road to Florida before I-65, about five miles east of Bowling Green

was no long-running feud between  U.S.  Senator  Rand
Paul,  of  Bowling Green,  and  his  neighbor,  Dr. René
Boucher,  but that Boucher was reacting to some  brush
Paul had dumped near their line.  Boucher burnt it, then
tackled Paul behind his lawn mower after Paul dumped
another load.  Boucher was sentenced Friday to 30 days
in federal prison, a $10,000 fine, and a year of supervis-
ed release (Paul suffered six broken ribs in the assault). . . .

In a lawsuit a woman claims she got a cup  of  degreaser
to go instead of green tea at a restaurant in Florence. . . .

Firemen were called in Henderson to rescue a kitten trap-
ped in the front end of a car  (there's a photo  in  the  link,
Jan). . . .

A 6-year-old boy in Radcliff found a gun  on  the  dining
room table and took it to his bedroom where he shot him-
self to death, apparently accidentally. . . .

A 15-year-old boy was shot to death at a party in Living-
ston County.
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

A candidate who  lost  the  nomination  for Barren County
executive in the Republican primary election by 599 votes
demanded a recount (it did him no good).

                                                           [courtesy WBKO-TV]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "I was asked why is it 'Quotations of the Wheat,' not 'Tweets of   the Wheat';  and  the  answer  is,  the Wheat does not 'Tweet'."   #NoTweetoftheWheat – Leonard Simon

jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

The former IHOP is now IHOb (not IHOB),  and the "b" stands for "burg-
ers." . . . Peacocks were attacking cars with windows projecting their own
reflections in British Columbia. . . . Bavaria made it mandatory that every
public building display a Christian cross at its entrance. . . . A Massachu-
setts kindergarten teacher rewrote “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” with ly-
rics "Lockdown, lockdown, lock the door; shut the lights off, say no more"
as part of a drill for school shootings. . . . A 2-year-old boy died after be-
ing shot by his 13-year-old brother in Ohio; a 4-year-old boy was shot in
South Carolina after playing with a gun he found under a mattress;  a  10-
year-old boy was shot while playing in his yard in Mississippi;  a  2-year-
old boy was shot in the head and a 9-year-old boy was shot in the stomach
while shooting targets in Tennessee; a 4-year-old boy was shot at a gas sta-
tion in Missouri; a 5-year-old boy was shot while sitting on a porch in Lou-
isiana;  a 5-year-old boy was shot in Pennsylvania;  a 12-year-old girl died
after being shot by two teen-agers in Georgia; a 5-year-old boy was shot by
his 8-year-old brother; seven adults were shot by several gunmen at a birth-
day party in Illinois;  and a 10-year-old boy was shot in the head at a birth-
day party in Virginia. . . . The body of a missing woman in Davie,  Florida,
was found in a lake bitten by an alligator,  and a necropsy performed on an
alligator captured nearby confirmed that it was the assailant. . . .  A  Home
Depot cashier on lunch break in Okeechobee,  Florida,  was attacked from
the parking lot by a spider monkey named Spanky. . . . A raccoon scaled a
20-story skyscraper in St. Paul,  Minnesota. . . .  A distillery in Hamworth,
New Hampshire, introduced "Eau de Musc," a bourbon flavored with a se-
cretion from beavers' castor sacs. . . . The National Sheriff Association un-
veiled a plan to teach police how to reduce the use of  lethal  force  against
 pets. .  .  .  Jamie Foxx denied slapping a woman in the face with his penis
16 years ago in Las Vegas.
                                                                     [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

bobbiejo.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Christopher Juan Bernal, HM, 44, 5'8", 135 lbs, forgery; Bobbie Joe Lottor, WF, 26, 5'7", 160 lbs, meth; April Yvonne Cortez, HF, 30, 4'11", 160 lbs, coke (this doesn't appear to be the same April Yvonne Cortez we had earlier, but she has the same stats and still qualifies as a Yorkshire hog) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tereasa Lynn Davis, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, controlled substan. (Sedwick County Sheriff)

Dear Eleanor:
                            My male roommate recently demanded that I stop
                            taking showers with my boy friend – because,  he
                            said, he didn't like imagining what we do in there.
                            This  isn't  the  first  time this dude has demanded
                            something I've considered unreasonable.   He  has
                            a habit of asking us, his two female roommates, to
                            meet  his  needs;  but he never does  what  we  ask
                            like clean up his mess, or remember to turn off the
                            stove.   Now I'm uncomfortable knowing he imag-
                            ines me having sex.     I also wonder when he will
                            stop policing my activity based on his imagination.
                            What do I do?
                                                         Bathroom Time with Boy Friend
Dear Bathbitch:
                               OK, which of you is your roommate jealous of –
                               your boy friend,  or  you?  Wow!  You're  living
                               with another girl and a man  (maybe!),  and  an-
                               other  man   is  screwing up the deal?   Do  you
                               know what "gender" you are? (sorry, that's 20th
                               century p.c. for "sex.")

                               Here's the answer:  Fuck the shit out of your "room-
                               mate" (or roommates, plural). Tell your "boy friend"
                               to get an apartment  with a bathroom,  and fuck him
                               there!


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Pramila Jayapal"
        titled "Unfortunately, I was right" and another message from "Clut-
        terbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other
        notifications you've missed."

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dis- section of important current events  are   invited to at- tend  the Weekly World News Round Table at the of- fices of Borf Books  outside  Brownsville,  Kentucky  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Lee Lee.

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,  without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)

lifetsar.jpg Last night on Dancing with the Tsars: Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible; Life Saver Dude: I'll take your word for it . . . I don't watch TV . . .

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

:

Fred Dean wrote Weds 6/6/18 @09:26 PDT:

I like the upside down "p"! (as well as the article itself):

A scrap metal theft suspect jumped into a pond at a dumb
in Indianapolis to avoid calpture, and a police drone deliv-
ered a life vest to keep him afloat. . . .

C'est la typo!    – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:         Camella Rodgers, a fifth grade         teacher at Farmersville,  in Po-         sey County,  pleaded guilty  to         having sex  with a high school         boy.                         [courtesy Evansville                             Courier and Press]

A 19-year-old motorcyclist was arrested in Lake County for
driving 135 miles an hour on the interstate, passing other ve-
hicles on the shoulders and splitting lanes. . . .

A worker pouring concrete on a street in Franklin yelled  at a
car that sped past him,  and the car returned  10 minutes later
with three teen-age boys who got out and pummeled the man. . . .

A Floyd County Judge denied a paroled murderer's petition to
change his name.
                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]


                Bat 'n' Rouge softball in Indianapolis' Garfield Park

The Beech Grove high school senior class president was barred from
graduation ceremonies over  his  "social  media"  posts,  which  were
found "threatening and profane,"  including the F-word  in  reference
to the school.
                                                               [courtesy WRTV]

jenascia.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Jackmovich, WM, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary; Aqua Rivera, HF, 5'3" theft, meth; Courtney Vann Jr., BM, 5'4", 150 lbs, domestic battery; Wated in Berrien County, Michigan: Taniqua Lashey Hill, BF, home invasion; Jenascia Lynsha Smith, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon, happy to be here (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:         Haley Reed, 35, a high school         teacher  and  choir director  in         LaGrange,  was  charged  with         rape and sodomy  for an affair         with a pupil on school proper-         ty after hours.

We can't tell from the caption  which girl is which  –  but  one of them  is  clearly  our Yorkshire hog of the week. . . . The Bell County High School   valedictorian brought the crowed to a roar with a quotation told   them   was  from Donald Trump, but . . .

diamyork.jpg Edmonson News: Overall Miss Preteen Queen of the Diamond - Kennedy Webb, Local winnter - Alvia Higgins

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "I blame myself for the death of Kate Spade.  I never   heard of her." – Leonard Simon

McDonald's was sued for cheese unrequested but provided and cheese not
requested but charged for nonetheless (it's about time). . . . A San Antonio,
Texas, woman fatally stabbed a nephew  with whom she was having an af-
fair. . . . A junior high school science teacher was charged with animal cru-
elty for feeding a sick puppy to a snapping turtle. . . . A deputy sheriff hurl-
ed a can of Bush beans at an unruly man in a grocery store in Panama City,
Florida (and, so, our foreign correspondent, J. Ewing, wants to know, was
the guy Bush-whacked or beaned?   There's  video). . . . An FBI agent lost
his handgun doing a black flip on a dance floor in Denver, Colorado,  and
then, as he retrieved it,  accidentally shot another bar patron. . . . A baptiz-
ing ceremony on the shore of Lake Abaya in southern Ethiopia ended as a
crocodile ate the pastor. . . .  IHOP was changing its name to IHOB  – and,
what will the B stand for?  Bacon?   Biscuits?   Buttermilk pancakes?  The
announcement will be made tomorrow;  and,  meanwhile,  you can vote in
a poll here  (but our roving reporter already has the scoop:   It's  Breakfast,
he says). . . . KFC (formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken) announced plans to
sell "meatless chicken" next year. . . . A bison gored a 59-year-old woman
in Yellowstone National Park (earlier in the week an elk injured two wom-
en near a park hotel). . . . Miss America canceled its swimsuit competition.

                                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]

lakeshal.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Juan Carols Gonzalez, HM, 55, 5'7", 180 lbs, contnuous sexual abuse of a child; Lakesha Lashawn Barnes, BF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, aggravated assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Usanga Lateef Richard, a/k/a Richard Usanga, BM, 6'1", 160 lbs, tattoo on forehead "MRTG": Aggr. rob., domestic abuse, criminal threat; Shamika Marie Gasper, BF, 35, 5'2', 140 lbs, unlawful poss. contr. substs.; Amber Lynn Kynast, WF, 31, 5'5", 30 lbs, tattoo on neck, flee & elude, criminal poss. of firearm; Marquais Deon Byrd, BM, 24, 5'9",, 150 lbs, chest tattoos "MA'KR, KYRA", rude choke (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Football's Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles' invitation
to the White House was canceled because only a few players de-
cided to attend.

        

crysthaz.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Crystal Lea Killian, 33, blonde hair green eyes, 122 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft o/$200,000; Hazel King, 25, black hair brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, forgery of financial instrument (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers); esquivel.jpg Martin Esquivel, 49, black hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 5'8", buggy hair! surety off bond, burglary of a habitation, Texomas' most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of June 1, 2018, call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Phil Mickelson's daughter.

lifelaun.jpg Yorkshire hogs on laundry day in Brownsville

June 3, 2018:     Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines (last week's issue was blocked to 11 hotmail.com subscribers, and we did not
get the mail delivery failure messages until three days later; and – this may be a lit-
tle rough – we are transmitting this week from our alternate "ISP," not our usual in-
ternet "service" "provider," windstream.net):

Patty Clark-Basham wrote Fri 6/1/18 @22:19 CDT
from patty-1260@hotmail.com:

Post-dated news!!!!

Hotmail will be shocked!  My Tabloid Headlines
arrived early this week.  Happy Day!

Thank you.

You're welcome,  and thank you!  The early delivery was an ac-
cident  as  we  were  experimenting  with a new mailing system
(as noted in the introduction above), and one of the experiments
– with the full subscribership addressed – got away.

The only thing new in this Sunday delivery is your letter, and our
reply.    – Editor

Sears closed another 72 stores, including its last in Indianap-
olis, and stores in Muncie and Lafayette. . . . .

angemich.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted; Angel Martinez-Ramirez, HM, 5'6", 135 lbs, domestic battery; Michael Clay, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, failure to register; Wanted in Berrien County Michigan: Christie Anne Doan, WF, tampering with electronic monitoring device; Gregroy Douglas Nikodeerm Jr., tampering etc.; Kyle Lamont-Alan Perkins-Corzine absconding parole (Central Indiana, Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A scrap metal theft suspect jumped into a pond at a dumb in
Indianapolis to avoid capture,  and a police drone  delivered
a life vest to keep him afloat  as police swimmers and divers
surrounded him for capture.
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A "tropical depression" attributed to "subtropical storm" Al-
berto hung over central and Southern Indiana, producing
storms that left 56,000 people without power.

                  [courtesy Washington Post, Columbus Republic]

The valedictorian whose speech was suppressed at Crest-
view Hills grabbed a bullhorn outside the auditorium  af-
ter graduation and gave his speech,  advocating gun con-
trol and denouncing abortion.  The student council presi-
dent,  also  gagged  at commencement,  also gave her ad-
dress on the bullhorn. . . .

A Lexington woman lost not only her car to a thief in a
supermarket parking lot but also her therapy dog, the 8-
month-old pit bull Reina. . . .

A cow had triplets in Garrard County.
                                                               [courtesy LEX18]

cinnamon.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Dustin Cinnamon, WM, 31, 160 lbs, hot goods; Crystal Adkins, WF, 38, 5'8", 180 lbs, receiving stolen firearm, bail jumping; Meiondre Edmonds, BM, 28, 5'8", 150 lbs, robbery; Charity Sands, WF, 27, 5'7", 118 lbs, mobery; Kristian Noakes, WM, 25, gobery (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Proof that the human race will always find a way:  They  are now making gluten-free edible rubbers." – Leonard Simon

sonyaren.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, May 18, 2018, call Crime Stoppers, 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed & dangerous, Sonya Renée McClelland, 42, brown hair hazel eyes, 185 lbs, 5'11", wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wjeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynesichita, Kansas) for theft o/$2,500 with 2 or more convictions

A dog was dumped at a park in Ross County, Ohio, with the words "free"
and "good home only" marked on its body. . . . A tree fell on a car carry-
ing two television newsmen covering a storm in Polk County, North Ca-
rolina, killing them.  . . .  A semitrailer spilled 40,000 pounds of chicken
feathers on a highway in Washington. .  .  .  A study found that black de-
fendants received longer sentences from Republican-chosen judges than
from judges chosen by Democrats.  .  .  .  Republican Congressman Tom
Garrett of Virginia had aides  pick  up  the  poop  of his dog, Sophie. . . .
Japan said it killed 333 whales, including 122 pregnant females, in its re-
search expedition last summer.
                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes
jeffstev.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jeffrey Sessions, Steve Haynes

charlray.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Charles Ray Smith, WM, 40, 6'2", 250 lbs, possession of stolen property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): April Diane Crane, WF, 40, 5'7", 120 lbs, forgery; Anastasia Christina Acosta, HF, 21, 5'4", 215 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week, aggravated robbery, meth; Jennifer Leeann Kennedy, HF, 29, 5'3", 175 lbs, Yorks. hog runner-up, robbery; Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Robert David McClain Jr., 27, 5'5", 200 lbs, aggr robbery (Sedgwick & Tom Green county sheriffs, Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Will Power won the Indianapolis 500 Mile Race (Danica Pat-
rick crashed in the 68th lap). . . .

"The baseball season starts too early and ends too late,  and
  there are too many games in between."
                                                                        – Bill Veeck

lifederb.jpg Life Saver Dude: Is that an allergy hat, or a Kentucky Derby hat?