J. Ewing wrote Weds 3/17/21 @09:57 EST:

Are the residents of Pig, Ky.,  called "Piggians",  or "Pigatonians"?
Do they get bonus miles when they fly?

You'd think they would have picked one of the more colorful town
names in Kentucky, like, Hell for Certain, in Leslie County, or Pe-
nile, now a "neighborhood" of Louisville,  in Jefferson County.

Piglets.

Yes.

Is Penile the site of the Jefferson County Jail? (Penile Colony).    – Editor

Nancy DeSota Butler wrote Mon 3/22/21 @15:50 EST from Three Rivers,

Massachusetts:

Satan's Kingdom mail is routed through the Northfield post office; so
sorry, J.E., no cancellation stamp.   Per Wikipedia: Satan's Kingdom is
an  unincorporated  village  in the town  of  Northfield,  Franklin County,
Massachusetts. Satan's Kingdom is 1.5 miles northwest of the Northfield
CDP and is near Vermont.

Tested positive, 686,360; died, 13,011.
                                                                   [courtesy N.Y. Times]

Indianapolis public schools cut bus service to 2,500 students in
budget reducer move.
                                                         [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

chelseaf.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Anthony Harris, BM, 6', 270 lbs, strangulation (family), coke, marijuana; Rebecca Salyer, WF, 5'2", 180 lbs, meth; Chelsea Felix, WF, 5' 6", 190 lbs, robbery; Phillip Ingram, BM, 5'7", 170 lbs, too many L's in Philip, strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 427,733; died, 6,041.
                                                                     [courtesy N.Y. Times]

Seventeen sets of  twins  were born at Baptist Health hospital in
the first quarter of the year. . . .

New state laws allow sales of alcoholic drinks "to go" and allow
microbreweries to sell at retail.
                                                                            [courtesy LEX18]
    

lamariga.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Lamarius T. Gates, BM, 26, 5'8", 140 lbs, tampering w/a witness (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "Sex hurts my ears."                                  – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  pointer  Pointers  have been pointing out game birds for centuries, according to the A- merican Kennel Club.  Some  of  them even have  tails.

                                                                                           

dittsolo.jpg Arrested in Abilene:: Adrian Ladon Henry, BM, 39, 6", 200 lbs, aggr. assault; Cameron Doyle Cooper,WM, 23, 5'6", 160 lbs, stalking; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Daniel Ross Ditto, WM, 45, a/k/a Brandon John Philpot, Ditto Solcum, 5'8", 160 lbs, tattoos both ams "Wildcat," domestic battery; Anthony Andrew Lutchka Jr., WM, 30, 5'10", 150 lbs, tattoos "Scruby" on stomach, crosson neck, hatchet on chest, felon w/firearm; Nathan Ray Lawson Jr.,WM, 51, 5'9", 145 lbs, parole violation (aggravated assault) (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kas.) Sheriff)

Izzy the Islander was on his way out as mascot of Texas A&M Univer-
sity at Corpus Christi..  .  . Monopoly's Community Chest cards are be-
ing brought up to date. . . .  Polish novelist Jakub Zulczyk was indicted
for calling Polish President Andrzej Duda  a  moron.  .  .  .  New York's
"Naked Cowboy" was arrested in Daytona Beach, Florida, for not obey-
ying the police. .  .  .  President Biden's dog Major  was returning to the
White House. .  .  .  A woman who went swimming naked in a canal in
Delray  Beach,  Florida,  wound up trapped in  a  storm  drain  for three
weeks. . . . Taylor Swift and Utah's Evermore theme park dropped their
infringement suits against each other. . . .  Mr. Potato Head went nonbi-
nary (Hasbro, the maker, dropped the "Mr."). .  .  . An  ambulance  was
stolen, with a patient inside, as it arrived at a hospital in Shawnee,  Ok-
lahoma.
                                                               [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

shelburn.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Teri Shelburne, 37, dangerous drugs; Malanie Baker, 31, failure to identify perp; Valeria Rivero, 22, public intoxication; Lauren Williams, 18, DUI; Esmeralda Valencia, 40, no ins.; Amy Murray, 49, credit card abuse; Christie Holeman, 41, pub. intox.; Natalia Tran, 48, public intoxication

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events are invi- ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta- ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns- ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near future include Montana Governor Greg Gianforte.

lifelate.jpg This is fun but I still prefer seeing you all at the old watering hole Life Saver Dude:: Zoom is a croc' o' shit to me too

Honkin de Spain wrote re the recent Onion headline "Vatican
geneticists clone God":
                                        Were there photos?
Only this:
                   

J. Ewing wrote Weds 3/17/21 @08:21 EST, enclosing the following map of funny
town names:

I want to visit Satan's Kingdom, Massachusetts – or at least get a letter post-
marked there.

Pig, Ky., is only five miles from the offices of Borf Books, in the same county.  There's
also a Monkey's Eyebrow in Kentucky,  and one also in Missouri and in Arizona.  They
missed those.    – Editor

martelly.jpg Wanted by the state corrections department for parole violation: Telly Bracey, BM, 5'7", 160 lbs; Marc Fritz, WM, 5'7", 150 lbs; Martell Willis, BM, 5'4", 135 lbs; James Carson, BM, 5'9", 180 lbs (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 680,420; died, 12,926.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service and Indiana Turn-in-a-Poach-
er Inc. joined in offering  a  $2,000  reward  for information on
the killing of a bald eagle near Terre Haute.

                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

stoeckin.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Sean Stoeckinger, WM, 5'8", 135 lbs, meth; Coley Mayersky, WM, 6', 145 lbs, marijuana, auto theft; Treshan Frazier, BM, 5'8", 145 lbs, auto theft; Elkhart's, Rodney Streeter, BM, 5'10", 190 lbs, fail. to reg. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 423,601; died, 5,757.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The state Senate passed a bill to outlaw taunting police.

                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]

shantagr.jpg Hunted down in Hopkinsville (Christian County Sheriff): Jamie Jones, WM, 47, 6'3", 170 lbs, meth; Shanta Griffin, BF, 42, 5'5", 300 lbs, probation violation (burglary); Joshua Lee, WM, 5'10", 200 lbs, felony & child support; Brittany Jones, WF, 34, 5'4", 120 lbs, meth; James Choate, WM, 44, 5'9", 320 lbs, forgery, meth

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "Playing rook is like having sex:  If you don't have a good   partner, you'd better have a good hand."                                                                    – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  pug A small,fat, short-haired dog with a flat face. Pugs like bourbon.  So do their masters.

meishkai.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jay Patrick McGee, a/k/a Cyrus Grant, Jack Grey, Dillan McGee, WM, 33, 5'9", 180 lbs, tattoo right shoulder "Until we meet again, may God hold you in," aggravated burglary; Meishka Imogene Workman, WF, 30, 5'5", 130 lbs, aggravated battery; Joshua Lee Cruz, W[sic]M, 31, 5'4", 140 lbs, tattoos, l. shldr. mj plant, neck "Sicko," r. arm "Virgin Mary," l. arm father's d/o/b, dom. battery; Victoria Demornae Taylor, BF, 28, 5'2", 143 lbs, poss. of stolen property, paraphern.; Patrick Glenn Frain, WM, 54, 6', 250 lbs., distrib. opiates,mj, hallucinogens (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Reacting to  one  "meatless"  day  a week proclaimed by the Governor of
Colorado, the Governor of Nebraska signed a "pro-meat" declaration. . . .
Kim Young'n's sister, Kim Yo Jong, issued a warning to the United States.
. . . Police in the Philippines prohibited public kissing, hugging and hold-
ing hands. . . . A walrus was found in Ireland. .  .  .  Whitefish,  Montana,
was ranked friendliest city in America.
                                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

alexolis.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Nicholas Abel Fernandez, HM, 39, 5'6", 140 lbs, failure to register as a sex offender; Anthony Miguel Flores, HM, 19, 5'10", 260 lbs, aggravated robbery; Wanted in Waco: Philip Nichols, BM, 25, 5'5", 195lbs, too many L's in Philip, burglary; Alex Solis, WM, 31, 5'7", 140 lbs, red ears, meth (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of Waco)

angelita.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Obadiah Mendoza, 32, DWOL; Heather Troncoso, 43, c.s.; Angelita Hernandez-Rodriguez, hindering; Leann Acosta, 31, trespass; Sarah Scarfuffle, 34, attempted prostitution; Melissa Sanders, 35, P.I.; Carmen Lopez, 20, walking w/flow of traffic; Joshua Woodward, 33, mobery

Virginia Commonwealth University covforfeited  its NCAA
tournament basketball game to Oregon. . . . Geno Auriemma
tested positive.

lifejude.jpg Nah Hey guys any ideas on how to end Hey Jude? Nah Nah Life Saver Dude: Hey, dudes, just shut the fuck up!

Allen[?] Monshang[?] wrote Fri 2/12/21 from  "Heartyville"  KY  42746
(no such town; the zip code relates to Hardyville KY, in Hart County, ad-
jacent to our county, Edmonson):

I'm writing you because I have not been able to contact you person-
ally, but I wanted to share with you an encouraging scripture. . . .

The envelope was postmarked February 24, 2021,  at Albany NY 120.  An
associate of the Editor of Tabloid Headlines got a similar mailing.   If you'-
ll read the small print at the end of the attachment,  you'll  see  that the ulti-
mate source was Jehovah's Witnesses.    – Editor

Donkies Phanna wrote Sat 2/20/21:

Did you write "weather rock:  It's froze" 2/14/21 instead of "frozen"
because it's easier to rhyme?  –  e.g., "The rock's always froze when
the wind blows" . . .

Nah!  We coulda added "in Posen" (Poland or Illinois).    – Editor

B Woods wrote Sat 2/27/21 @13:04 CST:

Isn't it about time God was impeached?

Tested positive, 675,127; died, 12,846.
                                                                  [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The mayor of Michigan City, facing calls for his resignation o-
ver profanity-laced remarks  about a black pastor,  presented  a
plan for all municipal employees to undergo mandatory implic-
it bias and cultural diversity training.

                                                     [courtesy Columbus Republic]

robquinn.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Robert Quinn, BM, 5'6", 175 lbs, child soliciting; Antwan Carruthers, BF, 6'2", 275 lbs, meth; Xavier Hobbs, BM, 5'10", 160 lbs, domestic battery with bodily injury to pregnant woman (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 418,635; died, 5,085.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

A group of bars and restaurants sued Governor Beshear  over
his Covid-19 closings.
                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]

caelangl.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Anthony S. Horn, WM, 33, 5' 9", 180 lbs, upside down ears, strangulation; Caelan Gills, BM, 23, 5'4", 130 lbs, murder (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "Pick music, not your nose."                                                  – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  Chihuahua Our bad in the February 28 issue:  It's a capital C.  We said it was named for the state in northern Mexico.

ketoshak.jpg Wanted in Waco: Keto Shakur Joyner, BM, 24, 5'11", 170 lbs, probation violation (child abandonm.); Anna Maria Gest a/k/a Anna Maria Pecina a/k/a Maria Thompson, HF, 31, 5'5", 120 lbs, prob. viol. (assault w/prior); Takwon R. Tate, BM, 23, 6'1", 155 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Ernest McElmore, WM, 29, 5'11", 150 lbs, theft; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): John Maynard Upshaw, WM, 27, 6'3", 180 lbs, assault, violation of protective order (City of Waco, Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Pepé le Pew was cut from the cast of Space Jam 2. . . . Donald Trump re-
quested a mail ballot in Florida. . . . President Biden's two German shep-
herds were returned to Delaware after one of them bit a White House se-
curity staffer. . . . New York Governor Andrew Cuomo  jacked  off  in  a
female reporter's face.
                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

alfonsov.jpg AlfonsoValdez, 35, DUI; Gabrielle Padron, 26, tres.; Rachel McDowell, 36, theft; Laurie Hartman, 43, theft; Thana Fowler, 54, mariuana; Jessica Slough, 21, possession; Alyssa Rios, 24, DUI; Brittany Pope, 29, poss.

lifejovi.jpg Life Saver Dude Bon-Jovi a banjo conjugation

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 2/28/21 @09:02 EST from Fort Og-

den, Florida:

State vs. Nation:  Yesterday, per Gov. DeathSantis order, the
Charlotte County courthouse flag was at half-staff to mourn
the racist misogynist opiate addict Medal of Honor recipient
Rush Limbaugh.   My  local  little  post office in Fort Ogden
flew the flag at full staff (President Biden’s half-staff flag or-
der to honor COVID victims had expired the day before).

Jonell Kerr wrote Sun 2/28/21 @08:48 EST:

I did not realize  "ears"  were used in police descriptions.  It
makes sense, I suppose; but it still strikes me as funny. Some
folks never mature,  I guess.  Ha!

Publius Leget wrote Sun 2/28/21 @09:16 CST:

Why did you put the comma before the last name instead of
after it in posting Edward James Olmos' birthday last week?

It's the way they said it on the radio:  Sounded like, "Today is the
birthday of the actor Edward James, almost 74."    – Editor

Tested positive, 669,754; died, 12,726.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

All babies born in Batesville on March 2 got  Dr.  Seuss  book
collections.
                                            [courtesy Greensburg Daily News]

A man was lost for three days in a storm drain in Connersville
after entering it to avoid his probation officer.

                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

dantrell.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Jonathan a/k/a Jonathon Dillard, BM, 5'10", 200 lbs, minimal ears, theft; Rodheim Taylor, BM, 5'11", 230 lbs, upside down ears, child mol.; Wiley Somers, WM, 5'10", 180 lbs, flared white ears, meth; Dantrell Gregory, BM, 6'1", 230 lbs, pointy ears, criminal recklessness, felon w/firearm, controlled substs., marijuana, domestic battery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

februa29.jpg Know U Didn't February 29, 2021

Tested positive, 413,684; died, 4,952.
                                                                  [courtesy N.Y. Times]

A pandemic-inspired bill pending in the state senate  would al-
low pupils to redo the 2020-2021 school year (er, uh, ah, ahem,
what's the difference between this and an F?) . . .

An entire 200-foot marina broke free and floated down the Ken-
tucky River.
                                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "I just wrote a new children's book, titled Feed   the Monkey and Watch it Shit."                                                       – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  bulldog He looks mean, but the American Kennel Club describes him as "friendly . . . and calm."   The etymology  is  that  bulldogs were bred in Eng- land to fight bulls  (guess that's an antimatador prejudice).

Six Dr.Seuss books were withdrawn from publication  for racist imagery.
. . . An Afghan refugee who set herself on fire was charged with arson in
Greece. . . .  A man in southern India was stabbed to death by his rooster
he had just armed with a knife for an illegal cockfight. . . . Texas Senator
Ted  Cruz  reminded  the  Conservative Political Action Conference audi-
ence that the New York Times reported that 60 per cent of women named
Karen voted for President Biden. . . . A polar bear cub born at the Detroit,
Michigan, zoo last fall got his first experience of snow.

                                                                   [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

neoshake.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Justin Javon White, BM, 19, 6'0", 185 lbs, aggrav assault; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Krystal Dawn Anderson, BF, 5'7", 290 lbs (Yorksh hog), tattoos eyebrow, neck, arm, probation violation (aggravated assault); Kathy Lynn Deere, WF, 34, 5'5", 156 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Neosha Kerriann Allen, WF, 20, 5'6", 120 lbs, aggravated assault, deadly weapon; Wichit Gitt Vrasup, Asian male, 47, 5'4", 160 lbs, probation violation (opiates) (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff)

jacareib.jpg Locked up ijn San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Sheriff): Jacarei Bailey, 27, mj; Robin Anastasio, 37, DUI, Laquieta Hayes, 31, paraph.; Connie Terhaar, 48, DUI; Melanie Holt, 45, DUI; Sarah Martinez, 28, fam. assault; Andrea Mendoza, 37, walk. w/traffric; Cruz Montez, 63, crim. tres.

Cartoonavirus:
                 

lifetoon.jpg Life Saver Dude: I! know! It's Saskatoon!