April 24, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the su-
permarket – this week's headlines:
hed22044.jpg
Demi Moore was love of his life, Bruce Willis' emotional good-bye, His
heartbreaking final days, Secretly battling illness for years, Giving
$250 million fortune away (In Touch); Bruce's battle & his family's
love, Beloved superstar retires with speech & cognitive
difficulties
(People); Bruce Willis' medical crisis, 'It's worse than anyone knows'
(Star); Bruce Willis, 67, brain damage tragedy (Enquirer); Bruce
Willis: Inside the fight of his life (Life & Style); Will &
Jada secretly hated in Hollywood? 'They've made a lot of enemies' (Star)
hed22042.jpg
Who should play Dolly in biopic? Miley Cyrus? Nicole Kidman? Dove
Cameron? Kristen Chenoweth? Christina Hendricks? (In Touch); Who hates
who? (sic: whom), TV anchors at war! Gayle King, Tucker Carlson, Rachel
Maddow, Geraldo Rivera, Don Lemon, Savannah Guthrie, Jake Tapper
(Examiner - who the fuck is Jake Tapper?); Loretta Lynn toughest gal in
showbiz!
Why
she refuses to retire after 90+years, how she triumphed over tragedy
& disease, why she contacts ghosts in creepy seances (Examiner);
Harry & Meghan's separate lives, why she's hiding (Life &
Style); Ten Star couples you never knew, Cher & Tom Cruise, Keanu
Reeves & Diane Keaton, Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen
(Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Stephen Yates, our roving reporter, wrote
Sun 4/17/22 @13:44 CDT:
I saw "Jake
Boone" on "social media" some years ago. I've
lived
in Sunfish for over 20 years and owned the Sunfish Mall (a
country
general store), but I've never heard of this family; and
we never had
any Boone folk come into the store that I'm aware of. I
think John
A. Durbin, the previous owner of the Mall (and "mayor,"
like me),
knew Daniel Boone; but that would have been a few
decades ago. I
have no idea who these folks are or where in Sunfish
they live, if
they live here. Just sayin' . . . .
Netta Sekretarka, our secretary,
wrote Tues 4/19/22 @10:04 CDT:
You didn't do
much roving. My handheld took me immediately to
"Everything's
Jake," which identified the boy as Todd Johnson
Logs-
don, a great-grandson of the late Jerome "Jake" Logsdon,
one of Sun-
fish's grand masters.
and Steve wrote back immediately:
Well, if he'd used
his real name, there'd have been no issue. . . .
Dumb news from Indiana:
Police in Lafayette smashed a window to rescue a 2-year-old girl who had
locked herself in a pickup truck playing with a handgun.
[courtesy Lafayette Journal & Courier]
A young boy was found dead in a suitcase in the woods in Southern Indiana's
Washington County, not matching the description of any child reported miss-
ing in Indiana.
[courtesy LEX18, Louisville (Ky.) Courier-Journal]
Six people were shot, one fatally, at a birthday
party in Indianapolis.
[courtesy Independent Global News]
roybebou.jpg
Conictedi in Evansville: Jacob Bengert,29, murder; Samuel Newbold, 42,
meth; Mario Watkins, meth; Clint Loehrlein, murder; Boy Bebout, 46,
kidnap. att. rape (Vanderburgh County Prosecutor)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
In the Republican primary
election in Edmonson County (pop.
12,150), James E. Vincent is running for Sheriff; Todd
Vincent
is running for Jailer (to replace Hank Vincent, who is
not run-
ning for re-election); Gregory Vincent is running for
re-elec-
tion as County Attorney; Jason Vincent is running for 5th
Dis-
trict Magistrate (like County Commissioner or Councilman
in
other states) and James C. Vincent is running for
re-election as
6th District Magistrate. Three Sanderses and two
Lindseys al-
so are running for office (one Republican and one
Democrat-
ic Sanders for 5th District Magistrate). None of them is
close-
ly related to any of the others.
[courtesy Edmonson Voice]
A jury in Covington awarded a $450,000 verdict against a
com-
pany that gave an employee a birthday
party he didn't want.
[courtesy LEX18]
coljacob.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Gary Lee Wilson, 47,
Louisville, public drunk, c.s.; Jo Ann Atwell, 55, Bardstown, meth,
controlled substs.; Cole Jacob Chesser,27, Williamsburg, DUI; Leona
Mabis Ebel, 59, Boston, nonpaym. of ct. costs; Taylor Brooke Blanton,
29, Nortonville, probation violation
Quotations of
the week:
"I once was a farmer, but problems cropped
up; and I wasn't
outstanding in my field."
– Richard Lederer
"My wife
and I got remarried: The divorce didn't work out."
–
Henny Youngman
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I'm in a tight
spot. Send lawyers, guns and money
to Sunfish."
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
April 18: Conan
O'Brien, 60
Poonam
Dillon, 61
Hayley Mills,
77
April
19: Ashley
Judd, 54
Ali Hosseini
Khamenei, 83
Jayne
Mansfield
(1933-1967)
April 20:
Don Mattingly,
61
Ryan
O'Neal, 81
April 21:
James
Osterberg
("Iggy Pop"),
75
Queen
Elizabeth II,
96
April 22:
Jack
Nicholson, 85
Glen Campbell
(1936-2017)
Bettie
Page
(1923-2008)
Charles Mingus
(1922-1979)
April 23:
Bernadette
Devlin, 75
Harvey Lee
Yeary ("Lee
Majors"), 83
Sandra Dee (1942-2005)
Roy Orbison (1936-1988)
April
24: Kelly
Clarkson, 40
Barbra
Streisand, 80
Shirley
MacLaine, 88
Tabloid
deadlines:
Robert Morse, 90
Orrin Hatch, 88
Guy Laflleur, 70
DJ Kay Slay, 55
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
18A:
"More desirable entanglement"
Answer: BETTERKNOT
[L.A.
Times 4/15/22]
dalortiz.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Dallas Ortiz, WM,
25, 5'11", 125 lbs, probation violation (narcotics); Rose Marie Hart,
WF, 37, 5'11", 150 lbs, probation violation (criminal threat); Jonathan
Ray Bonilla Jr., WM, 26, 5'7", 135 lbs, prob. viol. (burglary)
(Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas):
Catherine Marie Dorsey, BF, 51, 5'9", 130 lbs, injury to elderly
(Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A dolphin
died at Quintana Beach south of Houston, Texas, after people
tried to ride it. . . . TobyKeith,
a 21-year-old Chihuahua in Greenacres,
Florida, was declared by the Guinmess Book of Records to be
the world's
oldest dog. . . . John
Hinckley was booked for a concert in Brooklyn. . . .
A member of the British ISIS group the
Beatles was convicted in Virginia
of kidnapping and murder. . . .The Times New Roman, Arial,
Verdana, Ta-
homa and Helvetica fonts were withdrawn
from Russia. . . . A book titled
It's
Okay To Be a Unicorn was banned by the school
board of Delaware,
Ohio, for promoting a gay life style. . . . A man in Dallas,
Texas, was ar-
rested for beating up his roommate in an argument over what mosquitoes
look like.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
donovang.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Donovan Gonzales, 21, DUI; Ariana Ruiz, 30, family assault; Mandy
Lange, 25, child abandonment; Shanandoah Sanders, 52, ctrld. subs.;
Savannah Pedergrass, 27, mj, paraphern.; Sally Stewart, 56, indecent
exposure; Whitney Smith, 35, theft, paraphernalia
Dear Eleanor:
When my ex and I were married, we
had trouble conceiving
and years of heartache. I thought our
marriage was strong e-
nough to
survive this, but then I discovered he was having an
affair with my
sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation
and we decided
to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks
after we moved
my sister gave the news that – surprise! – she
was
pregnant. My husband then divorced me to start a family
with her.
Because I'd
just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was
financially impossible for me to leave. I
stayed in the new ci-
ty by myself
and eventually made friends and settled. My pa-
rents also were hurt
and angry; but when the baby came, they
mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now
5. and I've never
met her.
My sister and I take turns attending family functions
because I
can't bear to be in the same room with them. Recent-
ly my parents
gently asked if I would consider having a Christ-
mas dinner
with my sister. I told them I would think about it,
and I really
did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister's
Facebook page
for the first time. There I saw hundreds of hap-
py pictures of
her family – my ex-husband kissing her after she
just gave
birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family
trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update
from my ex: "Cel-
ebrating
another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife,
thank you for giving me so much
happiness and our perfect
daughter." I vomited.
After five
years is it time for me to get over it and force myself
at
least to tolerate their company?
Unwanted
Sister
Dear Unwanna:
No! Keep on
truckin'! When your niece grows up and gets her
first boy friend, seduce
the young fucker!
The sports:
The Brooklyn Nets' Kyrie Irving
was fined $50,000 for
giving the middle
finger to Boston Celtics fans cursing
him in National Basketball
Association playoff game 1
at Boston (who
won, 115-114; but Irving, a former Cel-
tic, was the top scorer, with 39 points).
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Elon
Musk.
lifeeast.jpg "Maybe we should try a cross" Life Saver Dude: The "first" Easter?
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
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you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your
worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 17, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the su-
permarket – this week's headlines:
funtime1.jpg Funny Times May 2022 Be vewy careful Internet-
hed22042.jpg
William's shocking confession, 'Why I'll never be king,' feuding
w/Charles over succession, plot for monarchy to be abandoned, Kate to
follow in Diana's footsteps (US Weekly)
hed220432.jpg
Supreme Court nominee Jackson refuses Kavanaugh invitation to beer-pong
ritual (Borowitz): Palin blasts Wordle for using long words (Borowitz);
Senate Republicans punish Susan Collins by making her sit next to Rand
Paul (Borowitz); Cher fucks Chris Rock & bitch-slaps him as he
comes (Tabloid Headlines bonus)
LETTERS to the
EDITOR:
J.
Ewing wrote Weds 4/13/22 @08:08 EDT:
If your publication is
truly a source of stellar news
reporting, then why have you not featured the bits
of wisdom from your own county's Jake Boone?
E.g.: "I'm Poor, Ain't I?"
and "Giving Directions
in the Country."
Jake is from the community of Sunfish, Kentucky.
It's in the northwest corner of Edmonson County,
near the Grayson County line.
Thanks! Your Editor's first
Edmonson County residence
was in Sunfish; some of his best friends still live there; and
our roving reporter, Steve Yates, is the present "mayor" of
Sunfish. We'll ask him to report on Jake Boone.
– Editor
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 4/10/22 @21:06 PDT:
Edward VIII.
There, fixed it.
Thanks.
– Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
Students at St.
Patrick School in Terre Haute joined the Sis-
ters in Providence in praying for peace
in Ukraine.
[courtesy
Terre Haute Star]
kenzeiht.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Kenzei Heath,
WF, 5'8", 170 lbs, coke; Martin Ruiz-Vazquez, HM, 5'8", 170 lbs, DUI;
Jennifer Scott, WF, 5'8", 185 lbs, forgery
Dumb news from Kentucky:
See DISCUSSION GROUP
below.
bettneat.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Bettie Carole Neat,.56,
Bardstown, contempt of court; Cheyanne Dawn Gutknecht, 23, Springfield,
probation violation; Thomas Andrew Sharp, 23, Bloomfield, domestic
assault; Katherine Elizabeth Rogers, 31, Bardstown, controlled
substances; Amber Dawn Lyvers, 30, Bloomfield, violation of protective
order
Quotations
of the week:
"I don't look good naked any more."
– Snake Oil
Willie
"I once was a farmer, but problems cropped
up; and I wasn't outstanding in my
field."
– Richard Lederer
"Whenever I date a guy I think, 'Is this
the man I want my children to spend their
weekends with?' "
– Rita Rudner
Crossword puzzle clue
of the week:
27D:
"Drinks that follow tequila"
Answer: CHASERS
[New
Yorker, 3/31/22]
Birthdays:
April 11:
Joel Grey, 91
Ethel Kennedy,
95
April 12:
Vince Gill, 65
David
Letterman, 75
Herbie
Hancock, 82
April 13: Nellie McKay, 40
Al
Green, 76
Jack
Casady, 78
Lowell George
(1945-1979)
April
14: Pete
Rose, 81
Julie
Christie, 82
Loretta Lynn,
92 (she says
90)
April
15: Dave
Edmunds, 78
Elizabeth
Montgomery
(1933-1995)
Roy
Clark
(1933-2018)
April 16: Cat
Osterman, 39
Lara
Dutta, 44
Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar,
75
Queen Margrethe
II of Denmark,
82
Bobby Vinton,
87
Pope
Benedict, 95
Mary Isobel
Catherine
Bernadette
O'Brien
("Dusty
Springfield,"
1939–1999)
Louis the Pious (778-840)
April 17:
Victoria
Beckham ("Posh
Spice"), 48
Norman Julius
"Boomer"
Esiason, 61
Tabloid
deadlines:
Gilbert Gottfried, 67
TH2205.html#220501
gregorio.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Gergorio M. Banuelos Jr., WM, 39, 5'9", 140 lbs, kidnapping;
Banha Pom Philavong, Asian Female, 45, 5'1", 115 lbs, tattoos back, rt.
arm, shoulder, finger, &
chest,
probation violation and escape; Eduardo Ray Martinez, WM, 29, 5'10",
210 lbs, p.v. (burg.); Breann Denise Burley, BF, 30, 4'11", 130 lbs,
assault with a deadly weapon; Michael Schell, WM, 54, 5'8", 165 lbs,
tattoos chest and left shoulder, rape
devontem.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Anthony Devonte
Manley, BM, 27, 6'3", 255 lbs, prob. viol. (retal.); Jenny Dawn Page,
WF, 34, 5'6", 210 l
s, cont. subs.; Syprena Ledesma, HF, 44, 5'10", 138
lbs, prob. viol. (tamp. w/records); Armando Hernandez, HM, 39, 5'10",
138 lbs, probation viol. (Texoma's most wanted fugitives, Wichita Falls
Crime Stoppers)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez became re-engaged.
. . . An unused ticket
to a 1984 Chicago Bulls basketball game sold at auction for $468,000
(it
was for Michael Jordan's first game with the Bulls). . . .
An Amish buggy
driver was arrested for DUI
in Brookville, Pennsylvania. . . . Ninety-two
of the 100 most-watched television shows of 2021 were National
Football
League games (whatever became of the "National
Pastime"?). . . . Britney
Spears posted on Instantspam Instagram
that she is married and pregnant.
. . . Barry
Manilow tested positive. . . . California's 88-year-old
Senator Di-
anne Feinstein's mental
capacity was questioned by fellow Democrats.
[courtesy Harper's, Funny Times,
AP]
elvisjon.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, sheriff):
Elvis Johnson, 64, fam. ass.; Kasi Guy, 40, ctrld. substs.; Sierra
Valles, 25, public drunk; Frances Arispe, 42, DUI; Serenity Torres, 21,
mobery; Olga Guerrero, 33, ctrld. subs; Monica Hogeda, 41,
paraphernalia, abusive language
Dear
Eleanor:
A few months
ago I joined an on-line group discussing perso-
nal
relationship problems. I've foound that griping about my
husband to
anonymous people on line is better than venting
my
frustrations at him. But lately he's been
really good at
changing
behaviors that have driven me up the wall,
and now
I know why. I happened to
notice him logged in on his laptop
as a member of
my group! He created a fake persona and has
seen every
gripe I ever typed about him! I haven't confronted
him on this,
and, to be honest, it has been a convenient way to
indirectly
communicate to him. So, should I tell him
I know
who he is and quit the group,or just let this be?
Blogger
Dear Bloggere:
Obviously you have found the way to communicate
with your spouse. Let it be.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Jake
Boone.
|
 
|
lifescal.jpg "Yeah, I've tried that before, doesn't work" Life Saver Dude: "Try the left foot . . ."
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 10, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the su-
permarket – this week's headlines:
hed22042.jpg
JESUS! An illustrated life (National Geographic); Funny money &
shady deals, Biden criminal cover-up, FBI protects Joe & crooked
son Hunter, shocking truth Feds don't want known (Enquirer);
Michelle/Hillary brawl explodes, inside their dirty fight to be first
female Prez, why Obamas & Clintons hell-bent on revenge (Globe);
Ronald
Reagan's private pain, childhood abuse, suicide attempt, domestic hell
(Examiner); Queen horrified, King Edward III exposed as Nazi spy
(Globe), Three shocking tell-alls, Destroying the Kardashians, Kris
'basically hates' Klohé, botched plastic surgery / DNA, who's in debt,
who's spying on her ex (Enquirer)
hed220422.jpg
Will & Jada's marriage hanging by a thread, 'He's scared to death
of her' (In Touch); Celebrity love child scandals, babies Hollywood
dads hid from world, Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood, Hugh Grant, Jack
Nicholson, Eddie Murphy,
Tom
Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Examiner); Inside their whirlwind
Caribbean vacay, Kate & William's 2nd honeymoon, romantic dinners,
SCUBA diving & dancing until 2 a.m. in Jamaica, Kate's showdown
with beauty queen (Star)
Dumb news from Indiana:
It's snowing in Indianapolis (and Bowling Green, Ky.).
[various]
Elton John
credited Kokomo AIDS victim Ryan
White and his fam-
ily with saving his life. . . .
The
Koko-Go
Ride bike sharing program opened in Kokomo. . . .
Harley Poe released a new horror folk
punk album "Horrorful."
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
The Columbus
Republic celebrated its 150th anniversary.
[discourtesy Columbus Republic]
kriegerj.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crimer Stoppers): Jeffrey Krieger,
WM, 6'2", 210 lbs, meth; Holly Stanton, WF, meth; Alyssa Sanchez, HF,
5'3, 130 lbs, burg., meth, DUI; Nikki Gibson, WF, 5'1", 130 lbs, theft;
Lawanda Carver, BF, 5'2", 120 lbs, robbery; Montrell Butler, BM, 5'10",
160 lbs, absence
edrickel.jpg
Edrick Elie, BM, 5'9", 190 lbs, domestic battery, strangulation; Chekir
Bowers, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs, meth; Lanieer Hardin Jr., BM, 6', 150 lbs,
nonsupport; Bryan Morrow, WM, 5'11", 175 lbs, burg, auto theft
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentucky Senator Rand
Paul voted from a cloakroom on the
Supreme Court nomination, and nearly half an hour after
all
other senators; and he and North Carolina's Lindsey Graham
were reported to have voted without
wearing suits.
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Guests at Lexington's Elwood Hotel are invited to
bring their
house
plants with them.
[courtesy CNN]
cissellj.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Jennifer Nicole Cissell,
Bardstown, 34, shoplifting; Adonis Figuredo Tomes, 41, Louisville,
forgery; Lauren Elizabeth Berryman, 34, Bardstown, contrband;
Kristopher Holmes Gilreath, 35, McCreary, contempt; Jacob Lynne
Marshall, 2, New Haven, parole viol.; Sarah Beth Johson, 34,
Bloomfield, heroin, DWOL; William Edward Kennedy, 57, Bardstown, meth;
Kenneth S. Mitchell, 35, Bardstown, endangermt.
chadedtp.jpg
Chad Edward Tipton,34, Bardstown, contempt; Tyrone Shakur Raehame, 22,
Radcliff, contempt; Amber Marie Elzy, 36, Bardswotn, traffickin;g John
Francis Clark, 55, New Haven, contempt; Troy Lloyd Foster, 29,
Bloomfield, mobery; Travis Shane Keeling, 34, Lebanon, contempt; Teri
Lynn Carter, 48, Springfield, ID theft; Chris Allen Wiggington,
violation of protecr. ord.
jermoned.jpg
Ronald Jermone Dones, 55, Boston, traffickingl Reid Shacoi Young, 27,
Bardstown, theft; Hunter Bradley Bode, 20, Metter, Ga., marij.; Gary
Frank Walker, 65, Bardstown, publ. intox.; Alexis Nichole Nichols, 18,
Bardstown, receiving stolen prop.; Roseanne Lee Woolet, 43, Bardstown,
meth; Doris Nicole Lutes, 33, Chaplin, DUI; Joshua Aaron Spalding, 33,
theft
wmjasonr.jpg
William Jason Riley, 37, Bardstown, DUI; Michael Dale Johnsn, 35, Crab
Orchard, theft; Kimberly M. Downs, 33, Bardstown, rcvg. s.p.; Anthony
Nich. Bobbitt, 34, Bardsgown, public intox.; Harriet J. Norvell, revcg,
stolen prop.; Davie Turney Baker, 34, Bardstown, public intox.; Tonya
Marie Hutchins, 43, Bardstown, burglar; Justin Ryan Smith, 32,
Bardstown, Rx unwrap
ronnijam.jpg
Ronnie James King, 46, Bardstown, DUI; BrandonE. Humphrey, 39,
Bardstown, contempt; Paul Jarvis, 59, Boston, prob. viol.; Ju' Quintis
Faizon Amez Mason,B-town, P.s.; Charles David Foster, 53,
prob.viol.(meth); Justin Anth,. Miles, 32, Cox's Creek, H
Quotations of
the week:
– Richard Lederer
Birthdays:
April 4:
Jamie Lynn
Spears, 31
Christine
Lahti, 72
April 5: Agnetha
Fältskog, 72
Colin
Powell
(1937-2021)
April 6: Princess Haalah, 15
Young
Man Kang, 56
Daniel
Kortchmar, 76
James Watson, 94
April 7: Jackie
Chan, 68
Janis
Ian, 71
Francis
Ford Coppola,
83
Jerry
Brown 84
Bobby
Bare, 87
Daniel
Ellsberg, 91
April 8:
Julian Lennon,
59
Peggy
Lennon, 81
Seymour Hersh,
85
Kofi
Annan
(1938-2018)
April 9: Tom
Lehrer, 94
Jean-Paul
Belmondo
(1933-2021)
April 10: Ken
Griffey (Sr.),
72
John
Madden
(1936-2021))
Tabloid
deadlines:
Nehemiah Persoff, 102
Estelle Harris, 93
Bobby Rydell, 79
Terry
Walls, 57
Dwayne Haskins, 24
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
37A:
"Endorse certain property barriers?"
Answer: COMMENDFENCES
[L.A.
Times, 4/3/22]
bridgesal.Arrested
in Abilene (not Texas, not Kansas) Alvin Joe Bridges, BM, 62, 5'7", 210
lbs, aggrav. assault); Tanner Michael Smithbrick, WM, 31, 5'7", 155
lbs, prob. viol. (dom. assault); Roger Allan Collins Jr.,BM, 56, 5'10",
150 lbs, probation violation (fled); Preston Michael Pierce, 41, 6',
160 lbs, probation violation (DUI); Robert Jason Murray Jr., WM, 47, 5'
'1", 235 lbs, prob. viol. (dom.viol.)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Donald Crump endorsed Sarah
Wailin's candidacy for Congress. . . .
Martha Stewart posted news on Instantspam
Instagram that her four
dogs had killed one of her cats. . . . Burger
King was sued for not
whopping up its Whoppers.
. . . A 67-year-old female Swedish
su-
preme court justice was fined for shoplifting a
Christmas ham and
meatballs (and she has resigned). . . . Nancy
Pelosi and Susan
Collins
tested positive. . . . Wind blew a shopping
cart corral into a customer's
car in Colorado Springs, and the supermarket's insurance
company de-
nied coverage.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
ketcher2.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Texas Sheriff) Dalton
Ketcherside, 24, armed felon; Henry Falveerde, 29, ctld. subs.; Debra
Thompson, 64, DUI; Irene Gonzales, 35, DUI; Amber Jiminez, 29, theft;
Abdulia Huerta, 26, interference w/public duties; Paige Sandoral, 51,
forgery; Jamey Perkins, 59, mobery; William Wright, 54, mj
Dear
Eleanor:
I moved into my apartment three years ago,
and up until a few months ago I've been pret-
ty much the only person
living in this build-
ing (there are three other
apartments). New
neighbors recently moved in next door, and
they have a dog. The
poor pup started howl-
ing most of the day
while his owner was at
work, and I hear
his happy barks when the
neighbor comes home.The howling
and barks
don’t bother me most of the time.
I’ve always
had multiple pets while growing
up; so I hard-
ly noticed it. But on my
days off I spend most
of my time in my living room and
that's where
I hear the pitiful howls.
Now, I don't
know why I did this; it still puz-
zles me why I thought this would be a good i-
dea; but one
day when he was howling non-
stop for almost an hour I felt like I
had to do
something. So,
I barked. I barked at a poor
howling dog that was on the
other side of my
living room
wall. For a minute or two there
was silence. But,
then, he
barked! And his
was a curious and
unsure bark. It sounded
like those happy barks he does
every day when
his owner comes home. So I
kept it up! Every
day, the neighbor dog and I would
have a bark-
off; and I noticed that his
howling was coming
less and less often.
I really think my barking
was
helping! My thinking is that the pup felt
less alone when having
someone – even some-
one he can't see – interact with
him a few times
during the day.
And since no one else lives in
the building
currently, I don't think we were
bothering anyone.
But one day, the neighbor came home when his
dog and I were having a bark-off; and he did not
like it, one
bit. He knocked aggressively at my
door and told me
to stop "teasing" his dog. I
tried to
explain how this all started, but he look-
ed at me like
I was crazy. I even offered to dog-
sit for him on my days off,
so the pup wouldn't
have to be
alone for more than three days a week;
but he didn't like that,
either. I wanted to suggest
that maybe he should get his dog
a friend, but I'd
already pissed
this guy off; so I just apologized
and agreed not
to do it again.
But now the dog is confused. He barks happily
throughout the day, and I have to ignore
it and
not partake in
our old game any more, and then
he
just sounds so sad. He's back to
howling a-
gain, and I feel like
maybe I made the situation
worse
from the start. Should I try to talk to my
neighbor again? Or do I
just ignore the howls and
barks and try to
pretend I'm not here? Maybe I
should just
move and start someplace new and not
ever bark back?
I
Barked Back
Dear Back-Bark:
If you're as wordy in your barking as you are
in
your writing, I'd be happy not to be your
neigh-
bor.
Just shut the bark
up!
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include phallusian
artist Yayoi Kusama.
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HOW TO
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But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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lifebrus.jpg "Looks like he had a stroke" Life SaverDude: "A brush with death"
"Your
worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 3,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the su-
permarket – this week's headlines:
hed22041.jpg
FBI probes sex creep Andrew (Globe); Sally Field prowling for a man!
(Globe); Harry & Meghan - it's OVER! Torn apart by ugly lies &
vicious family feud, he's going home to Britain; she's keeping the kids
(Enquirer); Queen's emotional final intervieew, 'I was wrong about
Diana', plus: The night Charles confessed to affair (Star); Exclusive
interview, Connie Francis, fame, heartbreak & finding happiness,
how enduring 4 divorces & horrifying violence forced the '50's
singing legend to start all over again (Closer)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Thurs 3/24/22 @
16:50 EDT re
the lawsuit by Donald Trump vs.Hillary Clinton:
We need a new law about
abuse of the courts and the filing
of frivolous lawsuits. Something akin to a judicial form of
justifiable homicide.
Steve Yates wrote Tues 3/29/22
@12:21 CDT:
Don't be Chris Rockin'
me or I'll go Will Smith on yo' ass.
Dumb news from Indiana:
You have to pay to read about Chloe
Brookbank. . . .
Health officials were expecting an increase in COVID-19
infec-
tions.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
Among vanity license
plate messages rejected in 2021 were "yoda-
666," "D00BIE," "DENIED1,"
"I POOPED" and "4SA-TAN."
[courtesy Evansville Courier]
A
30-year-old native of Logansport explained
how to become
a contestant on Jeopardy.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
alleshac.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Edward Coleman,
BM, 5'9", 140 lbs, coke, mj, felon w/handgun; Allesha Carter, BF, 5'5",
140 lbs, battery of a public safety official; Jackson Outlaw, WM, 5'5",
145 lbs, syringe, resid. entry
Dumb news from Kentucky:
PETA offered a $5,000
reward for the arrest and conviction of
whoever killed the cat
with a dart in Jessamine County.
[courtesy LEX18]
Nature produced a spectacle in the Mohawk community
of Ed-
monson County on Wednesday, March 30: Before the outdoor
temperature hit an unseasonal high of 80°, a dozen black
wasps
congregated on Borf Books' 200-gallon white propane
tank, a
huge limb fell from a tree outside Borf's window, and a
murder
of crows was eating a live possum on the bridge over the
creek
at the bottom of the hill.
[a
Tabloid Headlines exclusive]
waldecks.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Waldeck Sampson, WM, 34, 6'5", 200 lbs,
shoplifting, crim. misch., c.s.; Nicole Powers, WF, 47, 5'4", lbs.
unknown, wanton endangerment, rcvg. stolen property; Christopher Brown,
WM, 39, 5'8", 140 lbs, forgery (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Birthdays:
March
28: Stefanni
Joanne
Angelina
Germanotta
("Lady
Gag-a"), 36
Reba McEntire,
67
Rodrigo
Duterte, 77
Rick
Barry, 78
March 29:
Lucy Lawless, 54
Earl Campbell, 67
Walt Frazier, 77
Denny McLain, 78
Eric Idle, 79
Astrud
Gilberto, 82
March 30:
Eric Clapton,
77
Jerry Lucas,
82
March
31: Al
Gore, 74
David
Eisenhower, 74
Christopher
Walken, 79
Barney Frank,
82
Herb Alpert, 87
Shirley Jones,
88
Alphabet
Soup the
race horse
(1991-2022)
April 1:
Rachel Maddow,
49
Ali
MacGraw, 83
April 2:
Emmylou
Harris, 75
Marvin
Gaye
(1939-1984)
Charlemagne
(742-814)
April 3:
Paris Jackson,
24
Tony Orlando, 78
Jane Goodall, 88
Tabloid
deadlines:
Paul Herman, 76
jodywade.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) Texoma's most
wanted fugitives of the week: Jody Wade, WM, 50, 5'8", 180 lbs,
hindering secured creditors; Heidi Michelle Emerson, 28, 5'7",185 lbs
(Yorkshirehog), prob. viol. (c.s.); Robert Earl Mitchell, BM,, 34,
5'8", 160 lbs, p.v. (agg. ass.); Amber Lashell Griggs, BF, 34, 5'9",
150 lbs, p.v. (c.s.); Alejandro Sanchez, HM,, 34, 5'6", 207 lbs,
probation viol. (evading arrest)
Crossword puzzle clue
of the week:
26D &
33D: "Palindromic 33D song"
Answers: SOS
ABBA
[L.A.
Times, 3/16/22]
Quotations
of the week:
"Oh! Foolish day!"
– Jadwiga, on
Friday, April 1
"I
tried
teaching, but
I quickly lost
my principal,
my faculties
and my class."
–
Richard
Lederer
rositaqu.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo by the Sheriff of Tom Green County, Texas:
Rosita Quesada, WF, 40, forgery and drug paraphernalia
nzatom.jpg
Thomas Gonzalez, 27, family assault; Anton Hernandez, 30, drunk;
Shannon Clark, 18, burglary; Angelica Evans, 34, assault officer;
Bonnie Lopez, 35, forgery; Natalie Torres, 39, theft, mj; Got away
shile we weren't lookin'; Cody Blair, 40, DUI; James Baker, 28, ch. sex
abuse
caitnels.jpg
Caitlyn Nelson, 31, c.s.; Samantha Payne, 47, ctld. substs.; Jennifer
Sanchez, 32, paraphernalia; Shannon Castaneda, 45, fail. to signal;
Pamela Ramirez, 30, fam. assault; bailed or broke out before we could
ID them; Breanna Williams, fugitive
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A woman who had recently tweeted "I'm the best
drunk driver ever" ran
over and killed two state troopers and a pedestrian they
were trying to
help on I-95 in Pennsylvania. . . . Vladimir Putin complained
that Tchai-
kovsky, Shostakovich and Rachmaninov were victims of cancel
culture.
. . . Taylor
Swift will deliver the commencement address at New York
University in May and receive an honorary doctor of fine
arts degree.
. . . A Nebraska state legislator apologized for repeating a
debunked ru-
mor that some schools place litter boxes in restrooms for
students who
self-identify as
cats. . . . A flamingo
that fled a zoo in Wichita, Kansas,
in 2005 has been spotted in Wisconsin, Louisiana and now
Texas (iden-
tified by its leg band). . . . A road was closed in
Marquette, Michigan,
to protect migrating
salamanders. . . . Soccer star Hope
Solo was arrest-
ed for DUI and child abuse in South Carolina. . . . A Navy
oiler was be-
ing named for Ruth
Bader Ginsburg. . . . National Park ranger Betty
Reid Soskin retired in California at 100.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Chris Rock and Will
Smith.
|
 
|
Dear Eleanor:
I have a colleague
who is genuinely unhappy
with her job and our company. I am her mana-
ger and have to instruct her. She
responds neg-
atively to everything she is
asked to do. She e-
ven whines
that it's affecting her mental health.
She sent in her resignation and is leaving at the
end of May, but she's unbearable. She’s
a gray
cloud hanging
over the office when she's there.
Any tips on
how deal with her until she leaves?
Enduring Debby
Downer
Dear Debby-Doter:
Take a two-month vacation.
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifemeow.jpg
Did you know that the word "homeowner" has the word "meow" in it? Good
luck pronouncing it correctly ever again Life Saver Dude: Mrawr!
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett