Scott Dean wrote Mon 3/21/22 @15:06 EDT:

We adopted a street kitten (Maximus Decimus Meridius)
a few months back;  and,  looking for affordable options,
we found that Indy Feral would fix him for $12  –  but it
required clipping the top of his ear  so that he could be i-
dentified on the street as neutered.

After a couple of bad haircuts for my son, Parker James, I
decided it might be time to elevate him to a  better  barber.

I found one highly recommended in our  town  of  Carmel,
Indiana,  and made an appointment.

Parker was not pleased at the start because his barber was
a young scruffy guy, and not his previous well tanned 20-
something blonde with shapely body,

I was beside him getting my hair cut as well.  Suddenly  I
heard him scream,  "My ear!"  He brought his hand down
from his ear,  and it was  a  bloody  mess.  The barber had
clipped it with his razor.

The master barber came over, took over, and finished Park-
er's coif.     He asked Parker if he was OK at the end of the
cut.   Parker replied with the most serious face ever:  "Now
I'll never get the pretty girl barber – you clipped my ear; so
I guess I, too, have to get neutered."

Jeanetta Girard wrote Mon 3/21/22 @10:37 CDT:

Last week's quotation of the Wheat was the best ever.

Our main "dumb news from Indiana" source now wants us to
pay for the stupidity.
                                              [discourtesy Columbus Republic]

rodrigoc.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Rodrigo Chavero, HM, 6', 145 lbs, meth, paraphernalia; Reynaldo Garcia, HM, 5'10", 150 lbs, resid. entry; Summer White, WF, 5'2", 130 lbs, narcotics; Shane Wilson, WM, 5'6", 120 lbs, syringe, meth, paraph.

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "Since I gave up on life and ever being happy, things   have been going pretty good!"                                                                – Leonard Simon

nicolasp.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nicolas Ponce, 21, joy riding; Whitney Smith, 35, drunk; Hailey Goynes, 20, marijuana; Myrtle Smith, 50, burglary; Mary Gatica, 24,cntrld. substs.; Destiny Arambula,39, parole violation; Zoe Watkins, 20, paraphernalia; William Condra, 24, mj

 

The Eiffel Tower grew 20 feet taller with the erection of  a  new  antenna.
. . . Jen Psaki, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama tested positive. . . . The
social media influencer Stepan (a 13-year-old cat) and his owners secured
safe passage from Kharkiv, Ukraine, to an apartment in France. . . . A mo-
torist in Florida was killed in a collision with an 11-foot alligator. . . . Don-
ald Trump sued Hillary Clinton for misbehavior with Russians.

                                                                                [courtesy Harper's, AP]

villastr.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: David Villastrigo, HM, 5'9", 179 lbs, DUI; Debra Kay Marcom, WF, 5'3", 140 lbs, prob. viol. (fraud); Crystal Roe, HF, 48, 5'5", 120 lbs, pro. viol. (ctrld. substs.); Morgan Christina Williams, HF, 23, 5'5", 150 lbs., possession of ctrld. substs.

    

andrewha.jpg Wanted in Waco (Texas, not Wacko, Arkansas): Andrew Michael Harrison, BM, 35, 6', 220 lbs, family assault; Jesse Davis, BM, 26, 5'10", 160 lbs, assault; Jerry Rhodes, BM, 43, 5'9", 235 lbs, EPO violation; Mantruze Nakebra Landrum, BM, 30, 5'8", 145 lbs, family assault; Roy William Sanders II, WM, 49, 5'11", 180 lbs, false emerg. report (City of Waco)

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events are invi- ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta- ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns- ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near future include Ketanji Brown Jackson.

lifemach.jpg Test your stupidity, inseert $100; Life Saver Dude: C'mon,Bozo, it's only a C-note, and you can use it to get welfare

Malachi wrote Sun 3/13/22 @13:00 CDT:

Quotation of the week?  More like quotation of the
year.   "The school does not need to teach our chil-
dren how to do oral sex.  That’s my job."

The Asian needle ant, with a painful sting, was found in In-
diana by a Purdue University professor.

                                                   [courtesy Terre Haute Star]

A Shelby County farmer was hospitalized with a live hen
stuck in his butt.
                                            [courtesy Atlanta News Media]

A 21-year-old woman was found guilty in  Miami  County
of murdering a man whose body was found  in  Okie Pino-
kie,  a wooded area near Peru (Ind.),  and early performing
venue for the pop star Terrioke.
                                                    [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

smalwood.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Michael Perez, HM, 5'8", 150 lbs, domestic battery, syringe; Ricky Smallwood Jr., BM, 5'11", 200 lbs, synthetic ID; Courtney Vann, BM, 5'8", 210 lbs, theft; Tyshawn Brownlee-Kellogg, BM, 5'9", 140 lbs, felon w/firrearm, coke, marijuana; Steven Martin, BM, 5'6", 190 lbs, car theft; Scott Tracey, WM, 5'9", 155 lbs, c.s. comn. nuis.

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "Clinical psychologists agree:  Deep-thinking intellectuals   are not good in relationships.      I've  been  married  four   times;  I must be a genius."                                                                         – Leonard Simon

hargrove.jpg Nathan Hargrove, BM, 22, 6'2", 175 lbs, ag. assault; Latesha Marie Brown, WF, 33, 5'7", 190 lbs (Yorkshire hog), c.s.; Christian White, WM, 24, 5'7", 130 lbs, prob. vi. (fam. ass.); Shaneisha Williams, BF, 22, 5'5", 145 lbs, burglary; Dalton Lee Fields, WM, 29, 5'9", 175 lbs, burglary
texgirls.jpg Anna Leigh Pierce, WF, 29, 5'8", 135 lbs, prob. viol. (ctrl. subs.); Jeanette Lavelle Wolfe, WF, 39, 5'4", 160 lbs, c.s.; Charles Newby, WM, 20, 6'4", 315 lbs, prob. viol. (assault); Victoria Meercedes Gayton, HF, 31, 5'3", 135 lbs, prob. viol. (c.s.); Amy Padgett, WF, 25, 5'2", 125 lbs, prohibited substances in a correctional facility
yorkmens.jpg Shane Thomas Murphy, 31, 6'3", 150 lbs, prob. viol. (c.s.); Darius Marcel Dever, 35, 6', 170 lbs., ass.; Kayla L. Jones, BF, 33, 5'3", 230 lbs (Yorkshire hog), controlled substances; Shastevia Cook, BF, 37, 5'6", 135 lbs, theft; Armando Elizondo III, HM, 42, 6'1", 290 lbs, family assault; Bruce Lee Kelly, WM, 22, 5'7", 135 lbs, probation violation (controlled substances)

Kamala Harris' husband tested positive (and did she not accuse him
of sleeping with Queen Elizabeth?).  . . . The Senate,  without oppo-
sition,  passed a bill to effect Daylight Saving Time the year around.
.  .  .  The American Kennel Club listed the Labrador retriever as the
country's  most  popular  dog,  for the 31st time; the French bull dog
and the golden retriever came in second and third,  respectively.  . . .
A 65-year-old Florida woman known as the Hugging Bandit  was ar-
rested  for  pretending  to  recognize men on the street,  giving  them
hugs and picking their pockets. . . .The assistant principal of a Missi-
ssippi grade school was fired for reading the children's book I  Need
a New Butt to second graders on Zoom.  .  .  .  Americans who agree
with Time magazine's selection of Elon Musk  as 2021 person of the
year:  3 of 10. . . .  Percentage of people who have never used the in-
ternet: 37. . . . An emergency crew rescued a cat from the rubble of a
missile strike in Kharkiv, Ukraine.
                                                           [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

zacheryd.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Zachery James Darby, WM, 37, 6'1", 220 lbs, injury to child; Michael Lee Self, WM, 32, 6', 170 lbs, burglary (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

lonnieh2.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Lonnie Haley, 59, trespass; Alicia Lott, 20, marij.; Matthew Campbell, 21, marij.; Rosie Hedrick, 28, paraphernalia; John Baker, 61, assault; Maria Asebedo, 48, theft; Taylor Cambre, 41, ch. pornography; Carly Hodges, 30, forgery; Billie Griggs, 33, mental

lifefood.jpg And she wouldn't refill the food bowl until all of yesterday's dried up food was eaten! Life Saver Dude: Since when to cats gripe about not being fed at all?

J. Ewing wrote Weds 3/9/22 @17:17 EST:

After we get "the" Ukraine reappointed to its God-desig-
nated position in the Eastern Hemisphere, tell China that
if they take out Putin,   and as long as they leave Taiwan
alone,  they can have back the parts of Russia  that were
part of the Mongolian Empire.

Then we give Alaska back to the indigenous people there,
a good part of California and Texas back to Mexico, and
let the Native Americans have North California, Washing-
ton, Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, both Dakotas, most of the
plains and the Appalachians, plus all National Parks.  

Then we give the Louisiana Purchase back to the Cajuns

and let Canada take over the Great Lakes  and New Eng-
land.  We don't have to worry about Florida, as it will be
totally under water before long.  We turn D.C. into a his-
torical site, commemorating the failure of the white race'
attempt at "democracy."

Then  we  send those trouble-making  Scottish,  Irish  and
British back where they came from and have a UN/NATO
force patrol the islands as a permanent white penal colony.

We then let the EU countries coalesce  into a peaceful fed-
eration emphasizing cuisine, fashion, etiquette and the arts.
They will, of course, absorb Moscow and St. Petersburg to
enhance the art world.

Germany and places like Finland, Norway, Sweden, Swit-
zerland can teach us socialism and how to be  really  tidy
and generally get along better.

Spain, Italy, Greece and the Mediterranean countries  can
focus on being tourist/vacation destinations  and  toss out
the Catholics and turn the Vatican into an art museum.

Need yet to figure out what to do with Muslim, Jewish and
Buddhist states – maybe turn them into tourist destinations
for the religiously stupid?   Same with Indochina.

Russia can have a small landlocked piece of Siberia surroun-
ded by everyone else.

Then we'll start on the Southern Hemisphere.  Whaddya think?

Bartholomew County Citizens Concerned About Commer-
cial Solar Fields formed to seek a  halt  to  construction  of
large solar energy plants until the community could discuss
cuss their impact.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Firemen rescued a 17-year-old boy from a tree in Indianap-
olis where he was trying to retrieve a cat.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

morgnrob.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Robert Mogan, BM, 6'0", 175 lbs, dom. bat.; Noah Crowley, WM, 5'11", 165 lbs, armed robbery; Jeanica Maggart, WF, 5'1", 115 lbs, meth, syringe; Dylan Simons, WM, 5'5", 130 lbs, armed robbery; Rickey Long, WM, 5'9", 170 lbs, syringe

iancole.jpg Rian Cole, WM, 5'9", 130 lbs, meth; Anthony Smith, BM, 6'0", 160 lbs, carrying gun w/o lic.; Aidan a/k/a Alden Aguilar, WM, 5'8", 150 lbs, meth; Nicole Booker, BF, 5'7", 180 lbs, intimidation; Titus Larkin, BM, 5'6", 155 lbs, domestic battery

A bill to prohibit hair discrimination in the workplace –
the CROWN Act ("Create a respectful and open world
for  natural") – was approved in committee at the state
House of Representatives.
                                                            [courtesy LEX18]

lolitann.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Lolita Ann Simonton, 41, Brandenburg, fail. to show; Cameron Rashad Tolliver, 21, Louisville, receivg. stolen prop.; Kristy Rose Martin, 32, Bardstown, heroin, paraphernalia; Chadd Michael Shannon, 41, Bardstn., contempt of court; Devon Raye Elliott, 27, Springfield, probation violation

A  Lexington vodka distiller  expressed concern that the
prohibition of Russian vodka is causing people to avoid
vodka in general, thinking that all of it comes from Rus-
sia.

hujingem.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Victor Ross Chappell, WM, 49, 6'4", 185 lbs, aggravated robbery; Emily Renae Hujing, a/k/a Emily Davis, WF, 36, 5', 114 lbs, endang. a child; Roberta Louise Comfort, WF, 46, 5'4", 140 lbs, probation violation (aggravated burglary); Lorenzo Lamar Walker, BM, 41, 5'5", 185 lbs, burglary, dom. battery (Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff)

A man in Singapore was attacked by a herd of about 20 otters  and suffer-
ed 26 bites in 10 seconds after another man ran into them head first.  .  .  .
A dentist in Italy  was  charged  with fraud  for offering a health worker a
silicone prosthetic arm for a Covid-19 vaccination. . . . The parliaments of
Cuba, Nicaragua and Mexico  rank  2nd, 3rd and 4th in the world,  respec-
tively, in  gender  parity,  while the U.S. Congress ranks 72nd  (Rwanda is
first). .  .  .  A screening of the new movie The Batman was paused when a
bat entered the theater in Austin, Texas. . . . A box of human heads collect-
ed for research was stolen  from  a  medical  van in Denver, Colorado. . . .

Two men were killed by a camel at a petting zoo in Obion, Tennessee, and

the camel was put down.
                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

larssony.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Cole Larsson, 24, improper rel.w/student; Kristen Webb, 33, joy ride, ctrld.substs.; Brandon Dandoval, 21,mj; Lamisha Whittmore, 32, cr. trespass; Brandon Foreman, 28, mj.; Maarcella Herrera, 40, marijuana; Beth Sanchez, 32, speeding; Jacob Wietng, 20, marijuana

lifebeer.jpg Bar for senior drinkers Life Saver Dude: Or just call it the men's room

Mia Grenda wrote Weds 2/23/22 @18:38 CST:

I’ve got a video for you today that I *know* you’re going to love.  It’s a
free presentation of a BRAND NEW way that shows you how to get any
girl turned on, attracted to you and BEGGING to be sleep with you.

In just SECONDS.

You can use this on a girl you’ve just met.

Or you can use it on one you’ve known for ages.

The choice is yours.

Click here to watch.

Oh,  and the best part is,  this is 100% rejection-proof.  So if you've ever
been scared to make your move because she might shoot you down, then
this is for you.  Go ahead right now and

Watch the video.

After you do, you’ll never have to spend another night alone.

Unless you want to.

rosscoat.jpg SouthBend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ross Coats, WM, 6'2", 240 lbs, burglary, fraud, tresspass; Denny Cormican, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, coke, marij., paraphernalia; Coley Mayersky, WM, 6'0", 150 lbs, marijuana; William Merriweather, BM, 6'0", 265 lbs, meth

Four high school girls in Russiaville said they turned to vaping
because they were stressed.
                                                         [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

"He's OK."                                                            – Jadwiga Adamus Bumppo,                                                               asked  while  watching the                                                               news on TV from Ukraine,                                                               "Do you like Putin?"         "I became a personal trainer in a gym, but I wasn't fit for the           job."                       – Richard Lederer

richards.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Andrew Christian Richardson, WM, 34, 5'8", 185 lbs, theft, dom. battery; Regina Denise Evans, BF, 56, 5'2", 110 lbs, aggravated batery; Bryce Owen Robertson, WM, 21, 5'10", 140 lbs, ag. assault, opiates (Sedgwick County Kans. Sheriff)

Neither  Kentucky  nor Indiana made Best Life magazine's list of the 25
rudest states. . . . The Food & Drug Administration approved a condom
for anal sex. . . .   Kim Karsashian was declared by a judge to be legally
single. . . . A toddler in Georgia was diagnosed with  "uncombable  hair
syndrome." . . . The  Fédération  Internationale  Féline  banned  Russian
cats from international competition.
                                                               [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

joseagui.jpg Loccked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Jose Aguilar, WM, 25, c.s.; Rebecca Comstock, WF, 38, car theft; Margarita Rodriguez, WF, 25, walking w/traffic; Michael Peerales, WF, 39, public drunk; Ruby Lopez, WF, 30, DUI; Laauren Tucker, WF, 18, fam. assault; Hannah Walter, WF, 22, mobery; Antonio Rivera, WM, 45, paraph.

nyorkerrn "Are you sure you want to present your motion to the judge as an airplane?" "Up his butt." (New Yorker, Stephen Yates)

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu- al dissection of important current events are invi- ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta- ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns- ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near future include Volodymyr Zelensky.

lifebean.jpg BAKED BEANS The real reason behind global warning Life Saver Dude: "Blame 'em!"