Tabloid Headlines

June 26, 2022:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines:

hed22064.pg Coward cops' evil lies exposed, Texas schoolkids didn't have to die (Enquirer); Exposed by explosive TV hearings, Trump's insane Capitol riot, betrayal, lies & treachery,
rage over Ivanka's testimony, terrified he'll go to prison Globe); Trial of the century, Johnny beats lying Amber! untold story behind Depp's $10.3M revenge (Enquirer);

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 6/19/22 @09:43 EDT:

Why is the “M Academy” dumb news from Kentucky?

Because the kids look so fucking dumb! Same deal with the
recent "discussion group" illustrations, which are a compila-
tion of Edmonson County (Ky.) High School's 2022 senior
class photos: Not only do they look dumb, but most of them
have dumb names!
– Editor

Fred Dean wrote Sun 6/19/22 @10:12 PDT:

Lou Gehrig died at age 38? Untimely!

Yes. He had the since famous "Lou Gehrig's disease."
– Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:

Mar nie Schwartzkopf
was named queen of the      Bartholomew    County Fair. . . .

A 65-year-old woman
was arrested for tres-
pass   at a farm near
Hope she went to to

look at a dog reported abused.
                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]


The country music band the Chicks ended a concert early in Nobles-
ville and apologized on ~~InstantSpam~~ Instagram to Indianapolis.,   27
miles south of Noblesville.
                                                                                              [Yahoo!]
harvellg.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Gerald Harvell, BM, 6'1", 185 lbs, meth; Bailey Persyn, WF, 5'1", 110 lbs, meth; Alyssa Moreland, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, robbery; John Lee, BM, 6'2", 205 lbs, probation violation (DUI)

Dumb news from Kentucky:

Gasoline prices rose so high that the Minit-Mart in Browns-
ville quit posting them on its big sign (they were still posted
on the pumps – $4.59 a gallon for regular last week).

                                              [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

The mayor of Louisville was punched at a Juneteenth street
event. Will Smith is among the suspects.
                                                                    [courtesy Yahoo!]

A Lexington policeman was attacked by a police dog while
cleaning a kennel.
                                                                    [courtesy Lex18]


                                        [courtesy Kentucky Living magazine]
Editor's notes:

o Augusta, Kentucky, is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Auburn is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Louisville is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Robards is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Bullitt County is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Fancy Farm is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Crestwood is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Benton is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Paducah is not in "the Bluegrass"
o Rockfield is not in "the Bluegrass"

    The 1922 House, Castle Hill, Chenault, Chrisman Mill, Eqqus Run, Forest Edge,
Grimes Mill, Hamon Haven, Harkness Edwards, Jean Farris, Jester's Paddock, Lov-
er's Leap, Play Right, Rising Sons, Silver Springs, Void Sake and Wise Bird Cider
Co. wineries are in the Bluegrass, in central Kentucky, near Lexington.

jakedile.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Christopher Jacob Dile, 30, New Haven, cntrled substances; Ashton Thomas Anson, 20, LaGrange, marijuana; Ashley Nicole Hill, 21, Bloomfield, contempt of court;
Daydrian Joseph Allen, 23, Bardstown, marijuana, paraphernalia; Ronnie Dale Hall Jr., 40, Louisville, failure to appear; Eric Timothy Aubrey, 43, Taylorsville, meth, parap.

Quotations of the week:
"I became a statistician,but I got broken down by age, sex and
marital status."

                                                                                                    – Richard Lederer
        "All men laugh at the Three Stooges, and all women
          think the Three Stooges are assholes."
                                                                        – Jay Leno

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"July 4 will be on a Monday this year because July
3 falls on Sunday."
– Leonard Simon

nolonsyl.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma): Nolon Sylver Kerry, WM, 36, 6'2", 200 lbs, organized crime; Dakota Lou Cook, WF, 22, 5'6", 164 lbs, prob. viol. (fraud);
Demeretrion Combs, BM, 35, 5'5", 212 lbs, assault; Sarah Case,WF, 31, 5'2", 100 pounds, theft; Mark Ray Bridgeford, WM, 67, 6'7", 200 lbs, poss.; Olivia Martinez, BF, 26, 5'1", 157 lbs, theft; Daniel Velasquez, HM, 37, 5'11", 225 lbs, prob. vi. (c.s.)

Birthdays:
                   June 20: Nicole Kidman, 55
                                 Lionel Richie, 73
                                 André Watts, 76
                                   Anne Murray, 77
                                   Brian Wilson, 80
                             Jean-Marie Le Pen, 94
                June 21: Edward Snowden, 39
                                Prince William, 40
                              Joko Widodo, 61
                                Kathy Mattea, 63
                              Benazir Bhutto (1953-2007)
                                  John Dean ("Little Jackie Half-") Collum (1927-2009)
                  June 22: Erin Brockovich, 62
                              Cyndi Lauper, 69
                                  Meryl Streep, 73
                                  Lindsay Wagner, 73
                            Elizabeth Warren, 73
                                  Todd Rungren, 74
                            Kris Kristofferson, 86
                              Dianne Feinstein, 89
                                  Pete Maravich (1947-1988)
                  June 23:  Zinédine Zidane,50
                                Frances McDormand, 65
                                Clarence Thomas,74
                     June 24: Jeff Beck, 78
                                Mick Fleetwood, 75
                 June 25: Carly Simon, 77
                                Willis Reed, 80
                              James Meredith, 89
                June 26: Ariana Grande, 29
                              Derek Jeter, 48
                                Nick Offernan, 52
                                Chuck Robb, 83
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Hugh McElhenny, 93
                                Tony Siragusa, 55

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                        1A: "Person who makes beds?"
                  Answer: GARDENER                                                 [L.A. Times 5/29/22]

journeel.jpg Wanted in Wichitw Falls,Tesas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Johnny Allen Moore, WM, 56, 6', 253 lbs, prob. viol. (opiates); Jason Daniel Fellows Jr., WM, 20, 5'5", 140 lbs, probation viol (drug paraphernalia);
Jounee Lashay Mitchell,BF, 19, 5'6", 110 lbs, rt. arm tattoo "Devonte," prob. viol. (police batt.); Jones Lee Daverius,BM, 20, 5'11", 220 lbs, burglary; Tyrone Briggs Cox, WM, 24, 5'9", 165 lbs, p.v. (violent offender failure to register)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

Elon Musk's 18-year-old trans son/daughter Xavier Musk filed court
papers to change his/her name to Vivian Jenna Wilson in a public re-
jection of his/her billionaire father. . . . President Biden fell off his bi-
cycle. . . . Two thousand cows were killed by a heat wave in Kansas.
. . . A station manager in Rancho Cordova, California, was fired for
pricing gasoline at 69 cents a gallon. . . . A 4-year-old boy got a vas-
ectomy in Houston, Texas. . . . The Supreme Court ruled that a Geor-
gia inmate had the right to choose execution by firing squad (although
lethal injection was the only means provided in state law) and that Mi-
randa rights are not enforceable by lawsuit.

[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

shannon2.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Johnathon Marin, 37, crtld. subs.; Shannon Hood, 28, ctrld. substances; Yolanda Esparsa, 40; mobery;
Brenda Rumbaugh, 31, parole viol.; Dedra Juarez, 39, public drunk; Kimberly DelReal, 35, no license, paraph.; Valerie Perez, 31, mobery; [excaped or bailed out before we could ID him]

Dear Eleanor:

                            My husband and I are in our 60's and have been married
                            for 28 years. We recently retired. My husband and I both
                            enjoy going to neighborhood bars for a drink before din-
                            ner, but he often starts at lunch. After he a few glasses of
                            wine he begins to get a little forward with the servers. He
                            kisses the hand of the waitress. I support his empathy for
                            the hard work these young women do, but in the latest ep-
                            isode he grabbed a waitress' hand and held it an unnecess-
                            arily long time. I thought the waitress should have with-
                            drawn her hand, and I asked her what she was still doing
                            there. I didn't make a big fuss, but she withdrew her hand
                            and left, visibly upset.

                            I felt rude, but it seemed that my husband was unaware of
                            the consequences of his actions.    I've avoided going back
                            to that bar, but I don't know a permanent solution to this
                            kind of embarrassment. Should I avoid going to a bar af-
                            ter my husband has had one too many? That would mean
                            we cannot stay at a bar longer than 45 minutes because he
                            drinks quickly.   He gets grumpy if I try to leave too soon,
                            because he always thinks he is fine. It also means I have
                            to cut short my own enjoyment. We have been lucky that
                            we've avoided any incidents with law enforcement person-
                            nel. I need your counsel.
                                                                                       Uncertain and Afraid
Dear Uncertain:

Maybe you should just stop drinking. At least with
your husband.

lifeleph.jpg "Sometimes even if I stand in the middle of the room no one acknowledges me" Life Saver Dude: Th'in-the-room complex . . .

DISCUSSION GROUP:

Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors5.jpg John Jewell, Allison Johnson, Larry Johnson, Michael Kelley, Matthew Kay, Zachary Kirk, Adam Kitteridge, Jedediah Mellencamp Lay, Harley Lewis, Grace Masterson, Maison May,Zachary McGuire, Morgan McWhorter, Serenity Membrado, Harley Meredith

seniors5.jpg John Jewell, Allison Johnson, Larry Johnson, Michael Kelley, Matthew Kay, Zachary Kirk, Adam Kitteridge, Jedediah Mellencamp Lay, Harley Lewis, Grace Masterson, Maison May,Zachary McGuire, Morgan McWhorter, Serenity Membrado, Harley Meredith

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index

Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor

June 19, 2022:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines:

hed22063.jpg Implants, lifts & niptucks, Hollywood's fakest boobs & bottoms exposed, Kim Kardashian, J-Lo, Salma Hayek, Nicki Minaj (Enquirer); Hollywood's 10 wildest Hellraisers, Tracy, Brando, Flynn, Sheen, Downey, Sutherland, Hopper, Nicholson, Beatty, Burton, berserk
behavior exposed, booze, wife-beating, cheating & drugs (Examiner); Mark Middleton, Clinton moneyman murdered in Epstein cover-up, hanged in tree in forest, cops say it was suicide (Globe); Jimmy & Rosalynn Carter 76th anniversary, 'How we made our marriage work' (Examiner)

hed220632.jpg New reality TV series, Harry & Meghan sell out (Enquirer); After only 1 year, Gwen & Blake shock-split! Wild night in L.A., is one of them cheating? (Star)

Dumb news from Indiana:

Evansville was said to be overrun with cats.

[courtesy Evansville Courier]

lashelog.jpg Mustered in Muncie (by the Delaware County Sheriff): Bobby Joe Nealy,34, 5'6", 160 lbs, armed robbery; Tonya Lashell Gordon, 33, 5'7", 275 lbs (Yorkshire hog), robbery; James Earl Ellis, 30, 5'7", 170 lbs, mobery

Dumb news from Kentucky:

kycrafta.jpg Morehead Craft Academy, for excellence in science & mathematics, Kentucky high school sophomores
[courtesy Kentucky Living magazine & Morehead State University]

Statues of the Everly Brothers and John Prine will be erected in
Festival Sqaure, Central City, Muhlenberg County.

[courtesy Evansville (Indiana) Courier]

kalobcas.jpg Busted in Bardsgown (Nelson County Gazette): Richard Herman Cox Jr., 55, Richmond, probation or parole violation; Thomas Eugene Yocum, 47, Bardstown, failure to appear;
Kalob Chance Castro, 20, Bloomfield, receiving stolen property; James Eugene Felker, 41, Hodgenville, parole violation; Amy Danyel Duncon, 46, Elizabethtown, meth and paraphernalia

Quotations of the week:
                                      "I once worked as an optometrist. The future looked clear,
                                          and my life was coming into focus. Then I got too close
                                          to the lens grinder, and made a spectacle out of myself."

                                                                                                                            – Richard Lederer

        "I talked to Rand Paul so that the people wouldn't have to."
                                                                                                        – Dr. Anthony Fauci

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"To each his own; and to all the others, the others'."

– Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                   June 13: Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, 36
                                   Charles the Fat (839-888)
                   June 14: "Boy George" O'Dowd, 61
                                   Janet Lennon, 76
                                   Donald Trump, 76
                                   Joe Arpaio, 90
                                   Ernesto "Che" Guevara (1928-1967)
                                   Burl Ives Matter (1909-1995)
                   June 15: Terri Gibbs, 68
                                 Xi Jinping, 69
                   June 16:  Phil Mickelson, 52
                                  The Editor, 82
                                  Billy "Crash" Craddock, 83
                                  Geronimo (1829-1909)
                   June 17: Venus Williams, 42
                               Newt Gingrich,79
                                 Barry Manilow, 79
                 June 18: Blake Shelton, 46
                               Sandy Posey, 78
                                 Paul McCartney, 80
                   June 19: Boris Johnson, 58
                                   Salman Rushdie, 75
                                 Aung San Suu Kyi, 77
                               Elaine "Spanky" McFarlane, 80
                                 Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney, 82
                           Lou Gehrig (1903-1941)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Internet Explorer, 25
                                Tyler Sanders, 18

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            4D: "Pop up a lot?"
                  Answer: NEWDAD                                        [L.A. Times 5/22/22]

ameirkin.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Ameikr-King-Ingram, BM, 18, 6'4", 165 lbs, ag. burglary; Cierra Hutton, BF, 18, 5'7", 200 lbs, Yorkshire hog, robbery; Giovanie Estrada-Ibarra, WM, 21, 5'6", 160 lbs, felon with firearm; Brandon Dean (Fred & Tony's middle brother), BM, 31, 6', 165 lbs, prob. viol. (aggr. battery) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

"Juneteenth" will be celebrated on the 20th this year (that's tomorrow).
. . . Prince Harry fell off a horse at a polo game in California. . . . Thai-
land decriminalized marijuana production but urged citizens not to get
high. . . . New York's supreme court ruled that an elephant is not a per-
son and can be kept in confinement at the Bronx zoo. . . . Dr. Fauci tes-
ted positive. . . . Ryan Gosling will play Ken in Warner Brothers' up-
coming "Barbie" movie.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

lapaulas.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff: Randall Caarmen, 43, assault; Cassandra Ramirez, 32, ctl.substances; Danielle Bunn, 40, joy riding; Monica Flores, 32, narc., tresp.; Lapaulashia Green-Scaggs, 24, parole viol.; Irene Gonzalz, 37, joy riding; James Smith,44, sex offender failure to register

Dear Eleanor:

                        A couple of years ago, my husband and I introduced ourselves
                            to our new neighbor. We helped her catch her dog when it took
                            off down the street and lent her our cell phone when her dog
                            locked her out of the car. We waved hello and good-bye.   She
                            told us her husband was in the service. He came home, and be-
                            fore we knew it he was moving out.

                            The problem is, this woman is now coming home in wee hours
                            of the morning, sometimes as late as 5 a.m.    She often returns
                            drunk and with some random guy. They slam the car doors and
                            beep the horn multiple times trying to lock the car, laughing and
                            talking loud out in the road. They wake us up every time.

                            My husband asked her nicely one day to please use the lock
                            inside the car door insstead of using their key fob that beeps the
                            horn. Now when we're outside she'll beep the horn for no reas-
                            on.

                            What do you do with a bully cop? How do you complain to the
                            police, who tend to protect their own? We worry that if we re-
                            port him, our kids will be harassed and pulled over by his bud-
                            dies. What can we do?
                                                                             Can't Stand the Sight of Them
Dear Sightbight:

Call the police, from a neighbor's phone (perhaps theirs).

DISCUSSION GROUP:

Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors4.jpg Rachel Hennion, Dakota Highbaugh, Nickolas Hodges, Alexander Hogan, Matthew Holder, Ashton Hughes, Torrence Hughes, Dreidyn Hunt, Zachary Jacobs, Derick Jaggers, John Jewell, Allison Johnson, Larry Johnson, Michael Kelley, Matthew Key

seniors4.jpg Rachel Hennion, Dakota Highbaugh, Nickolas Hodges, Alexander Hogan, Matthew Holder, Ashton Hughes, Torrence Hughes, Dreidyn Hunt, Zachary Jacobs, Derick Jaggers, John Jewell, Allison Johnson, Larry Johnson, Michael Kelley, Matthew Key

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)

lifewana.jpg "Me? I'm tired of cooking, cleaning, laundry, dusting, telemarketers, bad news, worse news and equally crazy people - other than that I'm just peachy keen" Life Saver Dude: Wanna fuck?

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index

June 12, 2022:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines:

hed22062.jpg JFK & Bobby ordered hit on Marilyn Monroe, explosive phone tapes found after 60 years (Examiner); Naomi Judd autopsy secrets, what really happened to her body? Coroner & Sheriff stonewalling (Globe); Amber Heard most hated woman in Hollywood,
shunned by A-listers, trashed as toxic liar, cut from film projects, blamed fired PR team (Enquirer); Ashley & Mary-Kate Olsen tortured by their past, why they hated Full House, truth about those wild affairs, botched surgeries, filthy habits, chasing older men (Star)

hed220622.jpg Diva catfight, Mariah claws old hag Madonna (Globe); Will Smith's gangster life exposed (Enquirer)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Honkin de Spain wrote 6/1/22:

The new word "Googlable" would be properly spelled
"Googlible" by misspelling "libel."

Steve Yates wrote Sun 6/7/22 @11:54 CDT:

I agree with Leonard, wholeheartedly.

Dumb news from Indiana:

The International Circus Hall of Fame in Peru, Indiana, sched-
uled a calliope convention for Thursday and Friday this week.

[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

TH22065.htm
cedbeard.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Cedric Beard, BM, 5' 9", 180 lbs, strangulation; Mystessia Yeager, WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, injury from dependent neglect; Miguel Guzman, HM, 5'5", 160 lbs, strangulation

Dumb news from Kentucky:

The Lexington Humane Society held its annual Mutt Strut
a week ago Saturday.
[courtesy LEX18]

colofart.jpg Coloring farting animals, slow but deadly; 46 toot-tastic prints ready to frame, Available at Kroger

Quotations of the week:

                                      "My first day on the job as a ski instructor I slipped up,
                                          and it was all downhill from there."
                                                                                                  – Richard Lederer

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I could never date a woman who watches wrestling."

– Leonard Simon

colofart.jpg Coloring farting animals, slow but deadly; 46 toot-tastic prints ready to frame, Available at Kroger

Birthdays:
                     June 6: Holly Near, 73
                              Gary "U.S." Bonds, 83
                   June 7: Former Vice President Mikey, 63
                                Tom Jones, 82
                                 Prince (1958-2016)
                                 Thurman Munson (1947-1979)
                   June 8: Kim Clijsters, 39
                              Shilpa Shetty, 47
                                William Royce "Boz" Scaggs, 78
                                Lt. William Calley, 79
                                Nancy Sinatra, 82
                                Tony Rice (1951-2020)
                     June 9: Johnny Depp, 59
                                Bill Virdon (1931-2021)
                     June 10: Tara Lipinski, 40
                           Dan Fouts, 71
                                    F. Lee Bailey (1933-2021)
                              Prince Philip (1921-2021)
                     June 11:  Shia LaBeouf, 36
                              Diana Taurasi, 40
                                    Mehmet ("Dr.") Oz, 62TH22065.htm
                              Joe Montana, 66
                     June 12: Richard M. Sherman, 94
                              Armando ("Chick") Corea (1941-2021)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Jim Seals, 80
                                Julie Cruise, 65

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                        1A: "Prepare for driving or parking"
                  Answer: PAVE                                                                        [L.A. Times 5/29/22]

jamesonw.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma Crime Stoppers): Joseph Walter Jameson, BM, 31, 6'4", 215 lbs, probation viol. (family assault); Tameko Ramon Brown, BF, 22, 5', 168 lbs (Y. hog), bond forfeiture (aggravated assault);
Andres Manuel Diaz, HM, 21, 5'8", 188 lbs, probation viol. (ag. assault); Marian Nichole Gallivan, WF, 44, 4'11", 105 lbs, probation viol. (aband. child); Troy Thaman, WM, 32, 5'10", 180 lbs, prob. viol. (ctrl. sub.)

TH22065.htm
estradap.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wiichita Falls, Texas) (by the SedgwickCounty Sheriff)); Pedro Estrada Sr., HM, 46, 5'4", 160 lbs, prob. viol. (ag. dom. battery);
Andrew Michael Howell, WM, 20, 6'4", 230 lbsp Cynthiia Auyala, WF, 39, 5'1", 140 lbs, ID theft; Justin A. Shields, WM, 39,5'6", 130 lbs, marijuaa; Deondre R. Crawford, BM, 44, 6'4", 320 lbs, opiates & narcotics

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

Bill Cosby's attorney raised the Donkey Kong defense in his new trial.
. . . Pete Buttigieg and Prince Andrew tested positive. . . . Mariah Car-
ey was sued for copyright infringement over her song "All I Want for
Christmas Is You." . . . Santa Claus and Sarah Palin are among 48 can-
didates for Alaska's vacant seat in the U.S.House of Representatives....
Uvalde, Texas,' school police chief was sworn into his new city council
seat in private and did not attend his first meeting. . . . Michigan banned
Spanish and Swahili dictionaries from prison libraries. . . . Two persons
fell into a vat of chocolate at an M&M-Mars factory in Elizabethtown,
New Jersey, and had to be rescued. . . . Mount Doane in Yellowstone
Park was renamed First Peoples Mountain to remove the honor from Ar-
my Lt. Gustavus Doane, who had led an Indian massacre. . . . Justin
Bieber canceled shows on account of a case of facial paralysis. . . . Brit-
ney Spears got married.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

deladavo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): David De La O, 24, indecent exposure; Lacey Reese, 38, family assault; Trinity Bushner, 46, DUI; Ivan Alvarez, 24, mj; Jana Thompson, 36, family assault; [bailed out or escaped before we could ID her]; Amanda Martinez, 39, theft, trespass, c.s., paraphernalia; Douglas McWilliams, 58, ctrld. substs.

Dear Eleanor:

                        The father of my children left when they were toddlers,
                            and we went years at a time without hearing from him.
                            He occasionally paid small amounts of child support but
                            said he was frequently unemployed.    Money was tight,
                            and I had to ask my family for help; but both our kids are
                            now launched in their early 20's.

                            I recently found out that their father was actually not un-
                            employed; he was working under the table for a friend's
                            business to avoid garnishment.    An IRS audit turned up
                            fraud and embezzlement and his special arrangement at
                            the business, and he was involved enough to be charged
                            alongside upper-level people.

                            I don't know how to tell my kids, and I don't want them
                            to find out from a random headline, especially because
                           he apparently went to great lengths just to avoid financial
                            contributions for their childhoods. I also don't know how
                            to feel. I go tby on the belief that he was a fuck-up, and
                            missing out on his children because he couldn't keep it to-
                            gether; but now I know he was intentionally depriving
                            them for years, and making my life really hard in the pro-
                            cess. I should feel happy he's getting "in trouble" after a
                            lifetime of selfish behavior, but I feel sad and angry.
                            What do I do?
                                                                                        No Karmic Relief
Dear Karmy:

Nothing. Let the kids deal with him.

lifebask.jpg "I'm in the mood for a little treat, son; how'd you like some baskin' robins?" Life Saver Dude: Yumma-dum-dum!

The sports:
                    A man-turned-woman was hired to be a
                    cheerleader for the National Football
                    League's Carolina Panthers (they called
                    himmy-her "transgender" in the news ar-
                    ticle).

DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors3.jpg Noah Denham, Carly Dunn, William Durham, William Edwards, Melissa Filback, Ethan Fulcher, Korry Gillon, Elizabet Goss, Ethan Gregory, Kalob Harp, Taylor Harrison, Skylar Hawks, Alexa Henderson, Luke Hennion, Meredith Hennion

seniors3.jpg Noah Denham, Carly Dunn, William Durham, William Edwards, Melissa Filback, Ethan Fulcher, Korry Gillon, Elizabet Goss, Ethan Gregory, Kalob Harp, Taylor Harrison, Skylar Hawks, Alexa Henderson, Luke Hennion, Meredith Hennion

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index

June 5, 2022:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
    ket – this week's headlines:

hed22061.jpg Kate & William's secret plan to save kingdom, royal couple ditch rule book & kick of 'Cambridge Way' (Examiner); Harry & Meghan desperate for cash and shut out by Royals (Star); Britney Spears & Amanda Bynes, struggling with freedom, nude selfies, drug binges & breakdowns (Life & Style);
Michelle falls for race driver 37, Barack 60 is not amused, red hot rendezvous in Miami (Globe); 'She won't survive her lies,' Kris Jenner's dirtiest secrets revealed, robbery, abuse, & fatal car crash (In Touch)

hed220612.jpg Priscilla: The Elvis only I knew, why their marriage fell apart (Star); Scientology,surgery & turning 60, Inside Tom Cruise's private world, why he turned his back on Hollywood for England, bizarre dating rules 2 years after Katie divorce, jealous feuds with Brad Pitt & John Travolta (US)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Fred Dean wrote Sun 5/29/22 @15:01 PDT:

Evy Yates is a cutie!

comparin.jpg Comparing is believing
[courtesy Kentucky Living magazine & WaterFurnace]

Honkin de Spain wrote Mon 5/3022 re the re-
cent headline "Musk turns out to be a bot":

"Whot?! I'm a bot 5'5"; whot a bot you?"

Dumb news from Indiana:

A missing 80-year-old woman and her dog were found dead in
a ditch in Kokomo.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

Two school districts in Tippecanoe County went to a tiered sched-
ule, with starting times at different schools ranging from 7:30 to
8:25 to 8:50 to 9:25, to accommodate a shortage of school bus dri-
vers – that is, to enable those who remain to drive more than one
shift.
[courtesy Lafayette Journal & Courier]

mauricep.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Maurice Patterson, BM, 5'9", 250 lbs, parole viol. (coke); Jessica Stevens, 5'7", 135 lbs, possession of syringe; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas):
Jaydeyn Lenae Thornhill, BF, 17, 6', 185 lbs, assault with deadly weapon; (excaped of bailed out before we could identify him) (Michiana Inc., Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky:

A woman from Greenwood, Indiana, was arrested for stealing
a car and a gun in Glasgow, Kentucky.
[courtesy WBKO-TV]

Dumb news from Kentucky:

An alligator sighting was reported in western Kentucky's Mar-
shall County.
[courtesy WZTV]

trowbrid.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): John Trowbridge, WM, 32, 5'9", 175 lbs, traffricking; Andrew Bruner, WM, 37, 5'11", 160 lbs, theft;
Edwin Orozco, WM, 31, 5'6", 140 lbs, burglary; photo not available, most wanted, submit a tip Christopher Brown, WM, 39, 5'8", 140 lbs, forgery; Timothy Newsome, BM, 24, 5'8", 140 lbs, felon w/gun; Robert Okorley, BM, 40, 6', 160 lbs, murder

Dumb news from New Mexico:

Barry Wood arrived with his dog, Knuckles, barking happily.

[courtesy B's telephone]

Quotations of the week:

"I became a candle maker. Business waxed strong, but then
it tapered off."

                                                                  – Richard Lederer

        "Signs you need a divorce: She brings a date to couples counseling. You sleep in
        separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states. . . . "
                                                                                                                – David Letterman

Birthdays:
               May 30:  Christina Claire Ciminella "Wynonna" Judd, 58
                                   P. J. Carlesimo, 73
                   May 31: Brooke Shields, 57
                                   Joe Namath, 79
                               Peter Yarrow, 84
                                   Walt Whitman (1819--1892)
                               Clint Eastwood, 92
                  June 1: Alanis Morissette, 48
                              Heidi Klum, 49
                              Morgan Freeman, 85
                               Pat Boone, 88
                   June 2: Abby Wambach, 42
                               Jim Maloney, 82
                                 Charlie Watts (1941-2021)
                   June 3: Rafael Nadal, 36
                                Jim Gentile, 88
                               Raul Castro, 91
                   June 4: Angelina Jolie, 47
                               Mama Michelle, 78
                               Dr. Ruth, 94
               June 5: Kenneth Bruce Gorelick ("Kenny G"), 66
                               Gail Davies, 74
                                   Bill Moyers, 88
                              Breonna Taylor (1993-2020)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Ronnie Hawkins, 87
                                Bart Bryant, 59
                                Marion Barber, 38

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            30D: "Not well done in the least"
                  Answer: EXTRARARE                                                     [L.A. Times 5/21/22]

keithmil.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Keith Miller, BM, 28, 6'5", 6 lbs, abandoning child; Shaquita Thomas, BF, 29, 5'4", aband. a child;
Brian Langford, WM, 43, 5'8", 155 lbs, abandoning a child; Susan Choate, WF, 47, 5'6", 155 lbs, contr. substances; Manuel Gonzalez, HM, 41, 5'6", 255 lbs, family violence (Texoma)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

A young man dressed as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of
cake at the Mona Lisa at the Louvre in Paris (the painting was protected
by a glass cover). . . . Paul Pelosi – Nancy's husband – was arrested for
DUI in Napa County, California. . . . Police in Cincinnati,Ohio, objected
to a picture in the city's Art Museum showing Piglet, dressed as a cop,
pointing a gun at Winnie the Pooh, handcuffed in a pool of blood, as oth-
er characters held a poster saying "OFF THE PIG.". . .The late Elizabeth
Johnson, convicted of witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1693, was
pardoned. . . . Verdict in Johnny Depp trial: Johnny, $15,000,000; Amber
Heard, $2,000,000. . . . Seventy years on the throne? Funny way to spell
sixty-nine. . . . Turkey changed its name to Türkiye.

[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

guthriej.jpg James Guthrie,25, assault police; Gloria Mendoza, 61, mobery; Isaiah Carson,26, DWOL, paraphernalia; Jannika Smith ,20, mobery; Robert Robertson, t54, DWOL; Amyx Lacy, 34, family assault; Alitca Sheffield, 52, family assault; Lolis Gist, 32, public drunk

Dear Eleanor:
                            My sister Lois has been seeing Desmond for a
                            year. This guy is toxic. He does absolutely noth-
                            ing for Lois and expects everything in return. He
                            tells her how to dress and whom she can and can-
                            not speak to.

                            Lois and her two little boys lived with Desmond
                            until she'd had enough. She asked to move in with
                            me, and I welcomed her with open arms.   When
                            she came, she was looking sick. Her skin was gray,
                            and her eyes were sunken. After some time away
                            from Desmond, however,   she seemed to perk up,
                            becoming her old bubbly self.

                            But Lois has taken up with Desmond again and is
                            lying to everyone about it.    She claims she met
                            someone new through a dating site, but her brow-
                            ser history shows the truth. She doesn't know that
                            I know.    I've kept her secret because I don't want
                            to cause problems, but I'm afraid she'll go back to
                            him and take my nephews with her. I believe that
                            drugs may be involved.

Sister Mess
Dear Sis:

Drugs are involved. I suspect it's meth. Call the Uval-
de, Texas, police.

hilarior.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Hiliario Ramos ,49, parole vi. (crim. misch.); Ruby Carline, 57, theft; Whitney Smith, 35, trespass; Tabitha Smith, 44, parole violation (misc.); Kari Williams, 33, mobery; Hillary Aleman, 31, assault; Candace Tavarez, 34, stl. sub., paraphernalia; Thomas Fox, 33, fugitve from justice

DISCUSSION GROUP:

Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors2.jpg Jenna Butts, Joshua Caarroll,Hallie Cassady, Macy Cassady, Raelynn Cassady, Emma Cena, Ian Clark,Clay Clemmons, Summer Clubb, Kadin Collins, Haley Coulter, Dalton Curtis, Kaylee Davis, Logan Davis, Sierra Decker

seniors2.jpg Jenna Butts, Joshua Caarroll,Hallie Cassady, Macy Cassady, Raelynn Cassady, Emma Cena, Ian Clark,Clay Clemmons, Summer Clubb, Kadin Collins, Haley Coulter, Dalton Curtis, Kaylee Davis, Logan Davis, Sierra Decker

lifedegs.jpg sofa's,chair's, recliner's, bed's, Goodwyns Furniture ltd., Life Saver Dude: Fredds'?

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index