October 29, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed231029.jpg
William & Kate say 'Destroy Meghan" (Globe); Apocalypse over Israel
(Enquirer); Dolly Parton's big secret: She has no tits
(Examiner);
Santos declares Jim Jordan's identity not worth stealing (Borowits);
Boy punches Jack-o'-lantern that smiled at his girl friend (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Anthony
Dean wrote Sun 10/22/23 @17:51 CDT:
Dick
Butkus, 80, should have been in your Deadlines.
And Mike Ditka, 84, in your birthdays (October 18).
Dumb news from Indiana:
Rockers
for Knockers returned to Kokomo for a 16th year
concert.
[courtesy
Kokomo Tribune]
South Bend's most wanted, David Jordan, WM, 6'2", 200 lbs, assault for murder (Berrien County, Michigan); Stacey Acuna-
Diza, HF, 5'3", 145 lbs, child neglect; Steven Joyner, BM, 5'10:, 175 lbs, domesic assault (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.)
Tickets
went on sale for the 150th Kentucky Derby, set for next
June 4.
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
masonded.jpg
Lexington's most wanted, Dedric Jamaco Mason, BM, 18, 5'9", 150 lbs,
receiving stolen property, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Quotation of the week:
"I
don't necessarily agree with everything I say."
– Marshall McLuhan
Birthdays:
October 23: Alfred
"Weird Al" Yankowic, 65
Dwight Yoakam, 68
Edson Arantes do
Nascimento ("Pelé"), 83
October
24: Drake, 37
United Nations, 78
Bill Wyman, 87
October 25: Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson
("Katy Perry"), 39
Samantha Bee, 54
Muffin
Spencer-Devlin, 70
Helen
Reddy (1941-2020)
Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, Shah of Iran (1919-1980)
October
26: Evo Morales, 64
Hillary Clinton, 76
Pat Sajak, 77
October
27: Marla Maples, 60
John
Cleese, 84
H. R. Haldeman (1926-1993)
October 28: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, 67
Bill Gates, 68
Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner, 74
Charlie Daniels (1936-2020)
October 29: Winona
Ryder, 52
Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, 85
Tabloid
deadlines:
Richard Roundtree, 81
Li Keqiang, 69
pestrado.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Pedro
Gutierrez-Estrado, HM, 48, 5'3", 165 lbs, probation viol. (domestic
bat.); Omar Tejeda-Guzman, HM, 41, 5'9", 190 lbs,
felon
with weapon; Angel Moreno, WM, 21, 5'10", 150 lbs, mj; Clifton Dizon,
BM, 43, 5'8", 150 lbs, narcotics & mj; Gavin Hatfield, BM, 34,
5'9", 165 lbs, probation violation (receiv. stolen prop.)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A Texas court ruled that Alex
Jones cannot avoid paying Sandy Hook
families the $1.4 billion he owes them even if it leads to
bankruptcy.
. . . Canada recalled 41
diplomats from India. . . . A train carrying
hundreds of European parliamentarians from Brussels to
Strasbourg
made a wrong turn and wound up in European Disneyland in Marne
la Vallée Chessy. . . . The
Beatles are releasing a new song.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
I'm a 14-year-old boy, and my mama scolds and
punishes me when I beat off in bed and soil the
sheets. What can I do?
Horny Rory
Dear
Whorny:
Get you
a teen-age girl friend and fill her up with
your soilent.
Wanted
in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted):
Kaisha Johnson, BF, 40, 5'1", 130 lbs, burglary; Devonte Deon Ivory,
BM, 27, 6', 180 lbs, abandoning child; Amanda Kay
Gourley,
HF, 31, 5'6", 115 lbs, controlled substances; Nathaniel Todd Moore, WM,
41, 6'4", 260 lbs, child sexual assault; Jessie Aleen Desosantos, WF,
36, 5'6", 138 lbs, probation violation (abandoning child)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
54A: "Bird, as it were"
Answer: ONEFINGERSALUTE
[New Yorker 10/25/23]
deandajo.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): John
Deanda, 34, parole hold; Amy Lewis, 52, theft; Randy Clark, 63,
ctrld.
substs.; Brittany Frizzell, 30, theft; Jorge Luevano,47, DUI 3rd; Amber
Six, 27, mj, cs; Sean Lopez, 23, DUI; Sedonia Evans, 35, family assault
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
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lifelinc.jpg A rare selfie of Abraham Lincoln; Life Saver Dude: It's not photoshopped. Photoshop wasn't invented yet.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Wemby.
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 22, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23104.jpg
Saving her own skin! Ivanka sells out Trump! Turns state's evidence,
damning testimony, family feud explodes (Globe); Twisted secrets stars
don't want you to know, Hollywood beaters & cheaters exposed! Brad
Pitt,
Birtney Spears, Jason Aldean, Chris Brown, Kyle Richards, Amber Heard,
what really happens behind closed doors (Enquirer); J-Lo & Ben in
trial separation (Globe); Gains 87 lbs, Tom Selleck eating self to
death (Globe)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Stephen Yates wrote Mon
10/16/23 @ 14:40 CDT:
Jackson Browne is 75, not
54. Born October 9, 1948.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Twin
sisters, 25, committed suicide by jumping from the
7th
floor of an apartment building in West Lafayette. . . .
More than a hundred people marched for
Palestine through
the Purdue
University campus. . . .
The 17th annual Durga
Puja festival was held in West Lafa-
yette on Saturday.
[courtesy Lafayette
Journal & Courier]
micahyah.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Micayah Greer,
BM, 5'11", 175 lbs, felon with handgun; Standel
Bobo,
BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, domestic battery, strangulation; Elizabeth Whelan,
WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, theft; Herbert Jerrald, WM, 5'8", 155 lbs, theft
Greyhound
buses abandoned Paducah.
[courtesy Paducah Sun]
adamjust.jpg Wanted in Lexington, Justin Adams, WM, 35, 6'1", 175 lbs, parole violation (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotation of the
week:
"I
think that in five more ballots we'll make it."
– Jim Jordan
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Excuse me miss,
but can I put my square peg in your round hole?"
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
October
16: Naomi
Osaka, 26
Marin
Alsop, 67
Suzanne
Somers
(1946-2023)
Dave
DeBusschere
(1940-2003}
Günter
Grass
(1927-2015)
Angela
Lansbury
(1925-2022)
October 17: Gary
Puckett, 81
Jim Seals (1941-2022)
October 18: Brittany Griner, 33
Martina Navratilova, 67
Mike Ditka, 84
Millie Bailey (1918-2022)
October 19: Jeanie C. Riley, 78
Judy
Gibson, 82
Peter Max, 86
David
John Moore Cornwell ("John Le Carré", 1918-2020)
October
20: Calvin Broadus ("Snoop Dogg"), 52
Kamala Harris,
59
Wanda Jackson, 86
Tom Petty (1950-2017)
October 21: Hope Hicks, 35
Kim
Kardashian, 43
Benjamin
Netanyahu, 74
Judge Judy, 81
Manfred Sepse Luboeitz ("Manfred
Mann"), 83
Natalee Holloway
(1986-2005 – now
we know)
Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)
October
22: Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, 75
Catherine Deneuve, 80
Annette Funicello (1942-2013)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Suzanne Somers, 76
fulcherj.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff) James S. Fulcher, BM, 26, 6'1", 180 lbs, parole violation (mj,
firearms distrib.);
Oliver
Phillips, WM, 30, 5'9", 175 lbs, probation viol. (felon w/gun); Damion
Andrew Greene, a/k/a Damion Greene-Villa, BM, 29, 5'8", 180 lbs,
probation violation (escape)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Two
sisters in Lewis Centre, Ohio, both gave birth to
twins on the same
day fathered by the same man. . . . Florida parents were upset
after fourth
graders were accidentally shown Winnie
the Pooh: Blood and Honey, in
which the hero goes on a killing spree. . . . Number of years
by which the
median American's age has increased since 1980: 9. . . .
Portion of A-
mericans 65 and older who have used a dating app: 1/4. . . . A
great
dane
had 15 puppies in Raleigh, North Carolina.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
celestin.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted) Robert Lee Venegas, WM, 28, 5'11", 135 lbs, fam ass; Kyra
Wright, BF, 23, 5'5", 160 lbs, theft; Whitney
Marie
King, WF, 33, 5'3", 110 lbs, contrld. substances; Celestina Ann Garcia,
HF, 48, 4'7", 80 lbs, ctrld. sub.; Dahshujuan Hickerson, BM, 28, 5'6",
145 lbs, assault w/deadly weapon
Dear
Eleanor:
I'm in a relationship
with a boy younger than I. I'm 17, and
he's 15. When I met him, I was told he was a
junior. We're
close friends
and have been through so much together, good
and bad,
and we've now been together six months.
We don't have
bad intentions because we are waiting for mar-
riage before
having sex. I've struggled with depression and
anxiety, but
he makes me happier than I have ever been. He's
the man I have
been asking God for.
He treats me
like a princess. I have no doubt in my mind that
he could be
the One.
The problem is, his parents don't like the age
difference. My
parents don't have a problem with it because
their age gap is
the same, but
they are very strict and will agree only if his pa-
rents agree.
His parents have a bigger age gap but still are iffy
about us.
What I don't understand is why I can't be happy with
him with-
out our
parents thinking we're going to have sex without think-
ing about
consequences.
How do I make
our parents understand? Must we break up for
the our parents' sake
when I could fall into another depression?
Happy
Girl
Dear Girly:
Don't break up. Go
ahead and fuck
the guy. Get pregnant if you
can.
bretstep.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Brett
Stephens, 44, assault; Monica Soto, 41, burglary; Lisa Gomez, 44,
theft; Mameco Pratt,
38,
theft; Kimberly Hunsaker, 43, joy riding, c.s.; Patrick Holden, 72,
assault of elderly, drug paraphernalia; Arissa Molina, 27, family
assault; Christopher Kirk, 38, theft
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every
Sunday. Guest speakers lined up
for meetings in the near future include Joe Biden.
lifeturd.jpg Life Saver Dude: He sho' do! Gee, Doc, I feel just like shit; I believe it, because you sure look like shit
HOW TO
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 15, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed231015.jpg
House GOP holds meeting to see who has to sit next to Matt Gaetz;
Divorce Hollywood style, Masterson, Costner, Jackman, Loser! Rapist
blindsided! Winner! Cleans wife's clock! Loser!
Sexless
marriage! 30 years too long to wait, Bijou Phillips, Couldn't dent
$400M prenup, Christine Baumgartner, $180M fortune up for grabs!
Debora-Lee Furness (Globe); 15 strars reveal tragic childhoods,
beatings!
hunger! sex abuse! murder! Woody Harrelson, Demi Moore, Charlize Theron
. . . (Examiner); Shocking truth about Joes health at 80! Is Biden
dying? Aging overnight and losing his marbles (Enquirer)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Keith Durbin wrote Mon
10/9/23 @10:17 CDT:
I was disappointed in not
seeing my birthday this week in
Tabloid Headlines.
Sorry, Keith and other readers. It's
9/26. which means it should
have been in the paper week-before-last, not last week. And he
says he's older than dirt.
– Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
Significant drops
in math and English were shown in statewide
grade
school tests.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
umbarger.jpg
Sooth Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Trent
Umbarger, WM, 5'7", 160 lbs, fail. to go back to jail; Tammy King,
WF,
5'6", 150 lbs, prob. viol. (meth); Taquiroun Ward, BM, 5'11", 135 lbs,
battery of safety official; Blake Edwards, BM, 6'1", 175 lbs, domestic
battery
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
Seven places in
Louisville to grab a pumpkin
beer or fall cocktail.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Quotations of
the week:
"Today was
tomorrow yesterday, and will be yesterday tomorrow."
– Ozzy Osbourne
"Washing dogs, changing kitty litter, potty
training – it's a huge burden for the rest of the
family; so the job falls on the assistant to do all
the dirty work."
– a Kardashian
family assistant
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Pardon me miss, but may I check
your oil with my dipstick?"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
October
9: Sean
Lennon, 48
Jackson
Browne, 54
John Lennon
(1940-1980)
October
10: Dale
Earnhardt Jr.,
49
Tanya Tucker, 65
Ben
Vereen, 77
John
Prine
(1946-2020)
Adlai
E. Stevenson
III
(1930-2021)
October
11: Michelle
Wie, 34
Daryl
Hall, 77
Eleanor
Roosevelt
(1884-1962 –
woulda been
139)
October
12: Nancy
Kerrigan, 54
Tony
Kubek, 88
Luciano
Pavarotti
(1935-2007)
Helena
Modrzejweska (née Jadwiga
Benda)
(1840-1909)
October 13:
Tiffany Trump,
30
Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez,
34
Marie
Osmond, 64
John
Ford Coley, 75
Lacy J.
Dalton, 77
Paul
Simon, 82
Terry Gibbs,
99
Pharoah
Sanders (1940-2022)
Eddie Matthews
(1931-2001)
October
14 Natalie
Maines, 49
Cliff Richard,
83
Ralph
Lauren, 84
John
Dean, 85
Gary
Graffman, 95
George
Floyd
(1973-2020)
Mobutu
Sese Seko
(1930-1997)
October
15: Richard
Carpenter, 77
Barry McGuire,
88
Tabloid
deadlines:
Piper Laurie. 91
Rudolph Isley, 84
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
25A Condiment for an Arab
leader?
SULTANPEPPER
[L.A.
Times 9/29/23]
bouthsad.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Adrian Antonio Lopez, HM, 21, 5'8", 145 lbs, prob. viol. (ag.
battery); Amy Camille
Hopkins,WF,
43, 5'4", 140 lbs, attempt to elude; Bouthsady John Sibounheuang, AM,
42, 5'8", 188 lbs, prob. viol. (theft, forgery); Curtis Lee Thomas, BM,
47, 5'7", 170 lbs, prob. viol.
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Robert
F. Kennedy Jr., 69, said he would run for President as
an independent. . . .
Former baseball star Steve
Garvey is running for the late Dianne Feinstein's Cali-
fornia seat in the Senate. . . . A man was arrested twice in
17 minutes for DUI
on
a tractor in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania; and a
woman injured in hit-and-run
in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was run over and killed by a police
car. . . . Nine
hundred sixty-one birds died flying into a single
building in Chicago, Illinois, in
one night. . . . Customs agents at the airport in
Minneapolis, Minnesota, seized
box of giraffe
feces from a woman flying in to use them for a
necklace. . . . Eg-
anville, Ontario, Canada, is planning to rename Harry
Dick Road because of the
large number of thefts of street signs.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
faustino.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Tom Green County,
Texas, Sheriff) Faustino James Castillo, HM, 30, 5'9", 150 lbs, joy
riding; Jaci Fernandea-Perryman, WF, 28, 5'2", 200 lbs (Yorkshire
hog),
burglay; Josephe Brooke Jameson, BM, 57, 6'5", 225 lbs, sex offender
registration omission; Bianca Schmidt, 38, AF, 5'5", 105 lbs, provation
violation, retaliation; Bobby Martin Lowery, WM, 20, 6'1", 160 lbs,
family assault
Dear
Eleanor:
I just read
your advice to "Teen With No Experience," the high
school girl who wanted to lose
her virginity. I thought I might
give a different perspective from
a male point of view.
I lost my virginity far too young. At the time
I thought getting
"experience" was the thing to
do. My future wife was a virgin
in her 20's. We got married, and I was hit
with something that
to this day – 20 years later – still has an effect
on me: The ex-
citement of our first time
together was not everything it might
have been because of my gaining
experience prior to hers.
It was exciting, but I realized I gave away
part of myself that I
could never get
back. What I lost was getting to
experience
the joys of learning about intimacy with my
wife. I'm not say-
ing that teens should be
celibate, but if I had it to do it again I'd
have waited. Young people
often treat sex as something needed
to accomplish rather than something to experience
with someone
they love.
Male
Perspective
Dear Maleoprop:
Jesus. How fucking wise. Zip it up.
lafolett.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Tyler
Lafollette, 20, mj, reckless driving; Amanda McBreen, 41, DUI; Rusty
Hinson, 21,
theft;
Roy Munoz, 24, overhanging ears, family assault; Mayela Gonzalez, 51,
false ID; Angel Chavira, 19, evading arrest; Connie Mares, 34, theft;
Eric Bain, 36, DUI 3rd
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Elizabeth
C. Gorski.
lifeyarm.jpg
Life Saver Dude: Yup "Well, if there was a phone here, I would've used
it to report a Minion running around campus wearing
a
black yarmulke and carrying a deadly light saber." Emergency phone not
installed: Please do not have an emergency at this location
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 8, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed231008
Every House Republican to be Speaker for four minutes (Borowitz); Matt
Gaetz accuses Kevin McCarthy of behaving like an adult and not a
Republican
(Bor);Trump
University graduates outraged at not being taught how to defraud banks
(Borowitz); House elects McCarthy's 8th-grade bully Speaker (Onion)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
kokozomb.jpg
A horde of zombies
marched through Kokomo in the First
Friday Mas-
querade. . . .
The Hoosier State
Press Association picked the Kokomo
Tribune as Indi-
ana's top newspaper.
[Tribune]
devondok.jpg,
vashaunh.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.):
Frank Jones, BM, 6'2", 195 lbs, auto theft; Devon Dokes, BM, 5'7",
160
lbs, felon with firearm, meth, coke; Brooklyn Franklin, BF, 5'2", 165
lbs, robbery; Marshall Emerson, BM, 5'11", 190 lbs, strangulation;
Mustafa Mujahid,
BM, 6'3", 230 lbs, parole violation
(felon
with firearm); Arthur Tucker, BM, 5' 9", 230 lbs, parole viol.
(robbery); Jonathan Cardona, HM, 5'6", 210 lbs, parole vi. (fel.
w/f/a); Dustin Abraham, BM, 5'7",
160
lbs, auto theft, dom. battery; Vashaun Hayes, BM, 5'11", 220 lbs,
parole violation (domestic battery); Jerome Butler, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs,
felon w/firearm
antondev.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Anton Devon Hamilton, BM,
Bardstown, 20, no reg., no lic., no ins.; Chasity Mae Fulkerson, WF,
Bardstown, 42, failure to appear;
Braxton
Connor May, 19, Frrenchburg, speeding, evading, etc.; Michelle Renée
Ehllers, 56, Bardstown, meth, opiates; Travis Joseph Deamond, 51,
Bardstown, probation violation (felony)
Quotations of
the week:
"There was an old man from Trent who had one so long that it bent;
but to save him the trouble, he stuck it in double."
– Whisper Dick
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Excuse me miss, but can I put my
square peg in your round hole?"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
October 2: Kelly
Ripa, 53
Gillian Welch, 56
Theresa May, 67
Gina Haspel, 67
Gordon Sumner ("Sting"), 72
Annie Leibowitz, 74
Don McLean, 78
Maury Wills (1932-2022)
October 3: Gwen Stefani, 54
Al Sharpton, 69
Ernest Evans
("Chubby Checker"), 82
October
4: Susan Sarandon, 77
Tony La
Russa, 79
Leroy Van Dyke, 94
Anne Rice (1941-2021)
October
5: Kate Winslet, 48
Vaclav
Havel (1936-2011)
October 6: Britt
Ekland, 81
Little Millie Small
(1946-2020)
October 7: Yo-Yo Ma,
68
Vladimir Putin, 71
John Mellencamp, 72
Desmond Tutu
(1931-2021)
October 8: Soon-Yi Previn, 53
Sigourney Weaver, 74
Susan Raye, 79
Jesse Jackson, 82
Tabloid
deadlines:
Dick Butkus, 80
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
56A "Bass, for one"
ALE
[L.A. Times 9/28/23]
elontael.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick
County Sheriff) E'Lontae Lavell Livingtone, BM, 20, 5'7", 125 lbs,
burglary;
Allasia
Markham,WF, 25, 5'4", 240 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation violation
(narc); Steven V. Guthrie, WM, 52, 6', 200 lbs, card theft, burglary,
narcotics;
Ar'monie Suzetta Maire Sharkey,BF, 18, 5'6", 207 lbs (Yorkshire hog), burglary; Phillip Daniel Saylor, WM, 44, 5'10", 44. 5'10". 160 lbs, narcotics
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A herd of sheep in Greece
looking for grass after fields had flooded entered
a greenhouse and ate 100 kilograms of cannabis.
. . . A pet alligator
on a
leash was denied entrance to a Philadelphia Phillies baseball
game. . . . A
moose
was found wandering a subway in Stockholm. . . . . President
Biden's
German
shepherd bit another Secret Service officer and was
kicked out of
the White House. . . . Quadruplet sisters in Mississippi all
became pregnant
by the same man at approximately the same time.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
flicking.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Andrew Wayne Flickinger, WM, 21, 6', 220 lbs, probation viol(injury to child); Jamie Lucille Whitten, WF, 42, 5'6", 180 lbs,
credit
card fraud; Michael Wilson, BM, 34, 5'6", 310 lbs, manufact. ctrld.
subs.; Neceol Denise McClanahan, BF, 41, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Marco
Ochoa Maldonado, HM, 38, 5'6", 135 lbs, DUI 3rd
Dear
Eleanor:
In my last year of college I met the most beautiful and
intelligent girl
I've even known. We didn't meet each other's
parents until graduation.
All six of us
got along well.
Two very busy
years later, buying a house, getting married and landing
incredible high-paying jobs, we are now living
the dream. We settled
in my wife's home town and often see her parents on
Sunday for dinner.
Six months ago
we were at her parents' home for Sunday dinner as usu-
al. Her
two younger siblings and their dates joined us. While we were
eating, her father's phone beeped with a
particular sound indicating a
message. I knew, and he went pale when I
looked at him. Nobody else
noticed this
or stopped the conversation.
Because
I'm a closeted bisexual with limited experience
with men, I
recognized the beep from a gay hookup site I used
before I met my wife.
Since meeting her, I've not looked for men to hook
up with. Here it gets
complicated (and you can probably guess where this is
going). A few
days later, I saw her father at the hardware store.
He invited me to go to
a small coffee
house to talk. He knew I recognized the beep that
night
and wanted to discuss it. It turns out he is a
very closeted gay guy. He
and his wife married very young due to a
pregnancy, and he didn't yet
know himself well sexually. He stays in
the closet and plays it straight
because he loves his family and career.
I understand
completely because I'm in the same boat. Neither one of us
had ever suspected the other of homosexualism. We both were surprised.
The following weekend I went up to my
father-in-law’s cabin with him,
not unusual,
but this time we made love. We both knew this might hap-
pen, and neither of us tried to stop it. We
spent a weekend together and
had the best time connecting but both feeling guilty
about it. This new
aspect of our relationship has continued for six
months, and nobody sus-
pects anything, but it's wearing me
down. I know I can't have my cake
and eat it
too; but I don't know how to "quit him," as Jack Twist would
say. Also it doesn't help that he's a very
handsome, muscular man in his
early
40's. He never lost his college athlete physique. Please
advise me
how to stop.
Guilty
and Bewildered
Dear Bewildered Bird Brain:
This is pretty
easy. Just keep your dick out of his mouth
and his butt. You can tell your wife when she
is lying on
her death bed, or when you are lying on yours.
reymartn.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Rey
Martinez, 19, marijuana; Francisca Perez, 31, theft, tresp.;
Andrew
Sanders, 22, DUI; Julie Wallien, 54, pub. intox.; Christopher Boyd, 22,
DUI; Briana Prewit, 21, marijuana; Joey Rios, 38, public intox.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Barbi
Benton.
lifeview.jpg Life Saver Dude: Pretty good view yoou got, Bubba
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 1, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23101.jpg
Overjoyed Kate, Pregnant at 41! 'It's a total surprise!' Inside her and
William's top-secret preparations, why they want another GIRL, Harrry
& Meghan's shocking reaction (In
Touch);
Found after 30 years, new Diana tape drives dagger into Harry's heart,
Charles' young er son was an unwanted mistake (Enquirer); Cher's Jumbo
crusade, why she's rescuing more
elephants
(Examiner); Priscilla Presley: 'The TRUTH about Elvis, me & Lisa
Marie,' Secrets lies and family drama, 'Elvis didn't take advantage of
me,' why she couldn't save her daughter (Star)
hed231012
Revealed! 10 celeb marriages saved by therapy, Barbra Streisand &
James Brolin, Dan Shepard & Kristen Bell, Will Smith & Jada
Pinkettt, . . . (Examiner)l Tears on tour, Taylor Swift: What's
really
going on! (Globe); Was it murder? Obama chef death controversy exposed,
Autopsy sealed! Cops won't talk! Barack secrets buried! (Globe); Junk
food addiction: Garth regains 60 lbs.! (Globe)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
An Indianapolis woman
trying to stab a dog for eating her
chicken
sandwich cut her 1-year-old niece.
[CIProud.com]
kingirby.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Joshua Kendall
WM, 6'1", 180 lbs, criminally deadly reckless; Michelle King-Irby, WF,
5'4",
100 lbs (Yorkshire hog), failure to register as sex offender;
Victoria Jeske, WF, 5'5", 125 lbs, coke; Edward Silcos, WM, 6'2", 225
lbs, meth, counterfeiting
An
ATV doing donuts
destroyed a green at a Louisville golf
course.
[courtesy
Courier-Journal]
jacolbya.jpg
Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): James "Jimmy"
Ingram, BM, 34, 5'9", 190 lbs, probation violation (motor vehcle
viol.); Jacolby Adjoni Williams, BM, 21, 6'3", 170 lbs, murder
Quotations of
the week:
"Most of what
Congress does is not good for the American
people."
–
Congressman Bob
Good (R - Virginia)
"Humanity has opened the gates to
Hell."
–UN Sec.-Gen. Antonio Gutierrez
regarding climate change
"If those jagoffs in the House don't
stop trying to shut our government down, then I will save
democracy
by wearing a suit on the Senaate floor next week."
– Senator John
Fetterman
(D-Pa.), who often ap-
pears in a hoodie or shorts
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I
play tennis because when you have
nothing, you have love!"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
September
25: Cheryl Tiegs, 76
Michael
Douglas, 79
Ian Tyson
(1933-2022)
Barbara
Walters (1929-2022)
Ferdinand the Wise (1712-1759)
September
26:
Serena
Williams, 42
Beto O'Rourke,
51
Bobby
Shantz, 98
Olivia
Newton-John (1948-2022)
September
27:
Avril Lavigne,
39
Marvin Lee
Aday ("Meat
Loaf")
(1947-202)
Cosimo de
Medici
(1389-1464)
September
28:
Se-ri Pak, 46
Moon
Unit Zappa, 56
Brigitte
Bardot, 89
Confucius
(551-479 BC)
September
29: Lech
Walesa, 80
Jerry Lee
Lewis
(1935-2022)
September
30:
Martina
Hingis, 43
Johnny
Mathis, 88
Angie
Dickinson, 92
Jill Corey
(1935--2021)
October
1: Rod
Carew, 78
Julia
Elizabeth
Wells ("Julie
Andrews"), 88
Jimmy Carter,
99
Tabloid
deadlines:
David McCallum, 90
Dianne Feinstein, 90
dylanray.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Dylan Ray Shaffer
Jr., WM, 19, 5'10", 160 lbs, shooting at house, theft;
Juliauna
Adara Carter, 18, BF, 5'9", 220 lbs (Yorkshire hog), agg. battery &
robbery; Bryant Arroyo, W[sic]M, 36, 6', 200 lbs, burglary
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
44D
"Ark-itect?"
Answer:
NOAH
[L.A. Times 9/22/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
An Indonesian TikTok
star was sentenced to 2 years in prison for eating pork
rinds. . . . Venezuela
deployed 11,000 policemen and soldiers to reassert au-
thority at a prison where inmates had built a night club, a
swimming pool and
a zoo. . . . A Venezuelan with a pet
squirrel named Niko made an appointment
to request American asylum in Matamoros, Mexico.. . .
. A Danish artist was
ordered to repay half a million kroner to a museum to which he
had submitted
two blank canvases in a project titled "Take
the Money & Run." . . . Palm
Springs, California, agreed to remove an AIDS
sculpture that resembled an a-
nus. . . . President Biden's German
Shepherd bit another Secret Service officer
at the White Hose. . . . Chris Christie called
Donald Trump "Donald Duck."
. . . Britney Spears was investigated
for posting a video featuring knives.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
vaughnel.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Vaughn Allen, BM, 29, 5'8", 137 lbs, family assault; Amanda
Sanamo, WF, 51, 5', 150 lbs, contr. substances; Nathan
Henry
Green, WM, 32, 5'9", 210 lbs, prob. viol. (burglary); Zayryimonia
Hardeman, BF, 25, 5', 170 lbs, prob. viol. (evading arrest); Jose
Madrigal, HM, 30, 5'11", 220 lbs, injury to child and elderly
Dear
Eleanor:
My husband of 42 years discovered a new
way to
breathe, and it has scared me.
I'm afraid he might
die in his
sleep. He had asthma and allergies
in
his childhood and was prescribed all kinds of
med-
ication. He mostly outgrew his asthma
as an adult,
although he would frequently get terrible
allergies
and take various forms of antihistamines.
But a year ago someone at his office was
talking a-
bout the "Buteyko Breathing Technique," which
is
shallow breathing through the
nose. My husband
checked on the internet and found all
kinds of ad-
vice about breathing through your nose,
not your
mouth; he even bought a book titled something
like
"Shut Your Mouth.”
My concern is that at night he puts a piece
of tape
over his mouth before he sleeps. I'm
afraid that if
his nasal passages clogged up and he
didn’t know
it, he could suffocate. I've told him
this, but he on-
ly laughs. He says that if he couldn’t
breathe at all
he would rip the tape off. He
reminded me of two
times he had to cough in his sleep and
he woke up
and ripped the tape off.
After coughing he put s
new piece of tape over his
mouth. The product he
uses is called "cloth tape," sold at
the local pharma-
cy.
He says he almost never needs an
antihistamine be-
cause his allergies rarely act up. When
they do, he
takes medication, but
that's only once or twice a
year while before all this he was taking
one or two
pills a day. I asked our doctor about
it, and she said
breathing through the nose is good because
the nasal
passages filter out germs; but she
added that she had
never heard of anyone
taping their mouth shut to
sleep. She did not seem concerned, but she’s
not mar-
ried to the guy.
-- Holding
My Breath
Dear Holdor:
How about you lend the doctor
your husband for s
couple of weeks?
izahoahn.jpg
Arrested in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Brian
York, 55, DUI; Autumn Reynolds, 31, DUI; Favian Ramirez, 31, hindering
arrest; Joel
Delacruz,
37, violation of protective order; Candice Mullins, 43, DUI; Brett
Stephens, 41, family assault; Hazalynn Walker, 36, parole viol.;
Izaiahs Nuncio, 20, cruelty to animals
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend
the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf
Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church
services at the Boiling Spring
Church of Christ every
Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meet-
ings in the near future include Bob
Mendenez.
lifedamn.jpg Life Saver Dude: Um didn't know dat, Did you now that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad"
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to
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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember
also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks,
and without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many
subject lines or you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste"
won't work, either. We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett