[courtesy Ripley, R.I., Junior High School]

    Find slaves that escaped plantation   – Alabama

    Shave the bears
  – Alaska

    Remember name of grandson
  – Arizona

    Read less   – Arkansas

    Try a calorie for the first time
  – California

    Find way down mountain   – Colorado

    Become active in community by petitioning country club to at least allow Asians   – Connecticut

    Be less quaint   – Delaware

    Try to do one simple thing each day that makes an immigrant’s life worse   – Florida

    Reconnect with estranged father, mother, siblings, cousin and grandparents   – Georgia

    Continue living in Hawaii   – Hawaii

    Taste an exotic delicacy from P. F. Chang's   – Idaho

    Cut down on breaks between meals   – Illinois

    Finally get a look at spouses nipples   – Indiana

    Ignore louder and louder whispering coming from the cornfield   – Iowa

    Cure mental illness by being kicked in the head by a donkey   – Kansas 

    Eat a winning horse for once   – Kentucky

    Get arm back from gator   – Louisiana

    Make it through just one squall without being washed overboard   – Maine

    Free self from crab trap   – Maryland

    Escape from drunk tank  – Massachusetts

    Get back down to college blood-alcohol content
  – Michigan

    Cut down on junk food sprinkled over casserole
  – Minnesota

    Settle down and get married before eighth-grade graduation
  – Mississippi

    Help Ukrainians defend themselves   – Missouri

    Run headfirst into a buffalo for science   – Montana

    There are no resolutions   – Nebraska

    Make more time for nickel slots addiction   – Nevada

    Cut down to a pack of fentanyl a day   – New Hampshire

    Get plastic surgery to fix previous plastic surgery   – New Jersey

    Take up new hobby stealing Native American art and traditions   – New Mexico

    Gain respect of rat king   – New York

    Save frat from being disbanded   – North Carolina

    Become God   – North Dakota

    Get date rape expunged from college record   – Ohio

    Learn to tie lynch rope   – Oklahoma

    Meet a black person   – Oregon

    Stay out of the woods at night   – Pennsylvania

    Run three laps around state every day   – Rhode Island

    Find out what a palmetto is   – South Carolina

    Part ways with toxic horse   – South Dakota

    Practice gratitude for Dolly Parton's breasts   – Tennessee

    Walk at least 10,000 paces during pistol duel   – Texas

    Decorate bunker   – Utah

    Register as a sap donor   – Vermont

    Beat congressional ethics inquiry   – Virginia

    Shame more people for not going to therapy   – Washington

    Finally finish that book they started burning last year   – West Virginia

    Lose enough weight to fit into old wedding ghillie suit   – Wisconsin

    Consummate relationship with tumbleweed   – Wyoming

J. Ewing wrote 12/24/23 re Dr. William Devries (1962-2023):

Wrong.     Dr. William Castle DeVries was born December 19, 1943,
is now 80, and is still alive and kicking – as is his wife, Linda Marsh.

Linda is a fellow Kentucky RN.  I haven't seen Bill or Linda in years,
but I'd know if either one of them had croaked.   Fun  people.    Linda
was always a hoot.   And Bill was always obedient – sat  there,  quiet,
while the rest of us nurses ran our mouths  – and knowing full well he
was going to get stuck with the bar tab for us all.

Different William DeVries – sorry.    – Ed.

   Andrew Davis fills a customer order at the new 7 Brew in Kokomo.

                                                                             [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

December 26: Alex Wang, 40         –––>                                             David Sedaris, 67                                             Kitty Dukakis, 87                                            Phil Spector (1939-2021)                                            Steve Allen (1921-2000)                                            Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)

Tabloid deadlines:
                                Mike Nussbaum, 99
                                Tom Smothers, 86
                                Laura Lynch, 65
        

Portion of Americans who wish they had paid more attention  to  math
in school:  2/3. . . . Who wish they had paid less attention to math:  1/3.
. . . Minor predictions for 2024:  You will get a parking ticket – You will
lend money to someone who will not pay it back.  –   You will lose your
shoes –You will regret buying a piece of art at a craft fair – You will win
second prize in a beauty contest.
                                                            [courtesy Harper's, Funny Times]

kauffman.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Lohman, 25, robbery; Martinez Ramiro, 28, stalking, c.s., felon w/firearm;
Chance Taylor, 30, ag. assault, burglary; Mark Rios, 19, ctrld. substs.; Shanna Kauffman, 38, theft; Kevin Mitchell, 37, sex. ass.; Roger Owen, 47, DUI

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville, Kentucky,   just   after   services   at  the  Boiling Springs  General  Baptist  Church  every Sunday. Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future include Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

:

I've seen the drawing from Life Saver Dude's  toilet  paper  roll  holder
patent  before.  The inventor,  Wheeler,  obviously had no cats.

I've spent many years reviewing patent applications for Motorola. The
toilet paper sketch illustrates only a  "preferred  implementation,"  not
exclusive of others.   The debate lives!
                                                                                              Tony Dean

Merry Christmas to you, yours and all fellow readers of Tabloid Head-
lines.
                                                                                               Jonell Kerr

  Russiaville Western High School juniors Molly Stage, Emily Dinn, Sydney Ousley and
  Gabbi Mawbey  (left to right)  were  named  "Rising  Stars"  by the Indiana Association
  of School Principals.
                                                                                                  [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

underwod.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Chadwick Crowley, WM, 5'8", 180 lbs, meth; Mrlisa Finn,
WF, 5'2", 165 lbs, theft; Michael Carroll, BM, 5'8", 190 lbs, meth; Heath Underwood, WM, 5'11", 210 lbs, parole violation (auto theft)

jacksonc.jpg Christopher Leonard, BM, 6'2", 170 lbs, prob viol (armed rob); Willie Anderson, BM, 5'11", 170 lbs, parole vi (armed robbery); Christopher
Marsh, WM, 6'5", 205 lbs, parole viol (meth); Carlos Jackson, BM, 6'3", 190 lobs, upside down ears, parole viol (battery); Terry Bonner, BM, 6', 200 lbs, escape

tamarios.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Bret Thomas Hardin, 27, Bloomfield, failure to appear; Jessica Santana Duren, 38, Vine Grove, fail to appear; Tamarious
Lovell Montgomery, Springfield, speeding, coke; Melissa Jean Cambron, 36, Bardstown, contempt of court, Russell Dewayne Jeffries, 38, New Haven, evading police

Nearly 150 pedestrians have been struck by motor ve-
hicles in Lexington this year.
                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the Wheat: "I now know how gay people feel when coming out of the closet.   I'm a Swiftie."                                                                                                                – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                   December 18:  Christina Aguilera, 43
                                            Barkha Dutt, 52
                                            Steven Spielberg, 77
                                            Keith Richards, 80
                   December 19:  Jennifer Beals, 60
                                           Janie Fricke, 76
                                            Dr. William DeVries (1962-2023)
                                            Phil Ochs (1940-1976)
                                            Cicely Tyson (1924-2021)                   
                    December 20:  Alan Parsons, 77
                                            Uri Geller,77
                    December 21:  Emmanuel Macron, 46
                                            Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland, 57
                                            Chris Evert, 69
                                            Michael Tilson Thomas, 79
                                            Jane Fonda, 86
                                            Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
                    December 22:  Diane Sawyer, 78
                                            Paul Wolfowitz, 80
                                            Maurice and Robin Gibb (1949-2003, -2012)
                   December 23:  Jorma Kaukonen, 83
                                            Paul Hornung (1935-2020)
                   December 24:  Mary Barra, 62
                                            Hamid Karzai, 66
                                            Jeff Sessions, 77
                                            Anthony Fauci, 83
                                            Ava Gardner (1922-1990)

autumnfe.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff) Autumn Fay Fees, WF, 5'4", 135 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Donivan Daquewon Love, BM, 5'11", 150 lbs, opiates
& mj; Jessica Ruth Cruz, HF, 39, 5'4", 124 lbs, endangering a child; Robert Tysean Love, BM, 27, 6', 270 lbs, felon w/gun; Brittney Jade Richard, WF, 32, 6'2", 125 lbs, probation violation (drug paraphernalia)

Former running back Rashard Mendenhall of the National Foot-
ball League's Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals  recom-
mended an all-star game between an all-white team  and  an all-
black team. . . . The House of Representatives passed a defense
spending bill that includes a measure aimed  at  "ending  woke-
ness in the military."  . . .  Celine Dion was diagnosed with stiff
person syndrome.
                                                       courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

bowdriem.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) Bowdrie Wayne Stillwell, WM, 33, 5' 10", 210 lbs, abandon. child; Nataleigh Danielle Dunn, WF, 32, 5', 145 lbs
 probation viol. (cs); Benjamin Fuentes, HM, 33, 5'6", 230 lbs, evading arrest; Michele Garcia-Perez, HM, 50, control. subst.; Gregory Weaver, BM, 6'2", 250 lbs, evading arrest

lifenext.jpg Life Saver Dude: "Next-to-Last Supper" Disciple Wait 'til  you taste the soufflé – you'll think you've died and gone to heaven"

:

phillips.jpg Wanted in Sourth Bend: Nicolas Robinson, WM, 6'3", 250 lbs, meth; Marshawn Phillips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, rob.; Cynthia
Cope, WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, fraud; Blake Edwards, BM, 6'1", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Chiqueal Baker, BM, 5'9", 170 lbs, theft, esc.

Fewer than one-third of the state's grade and middle school
pupils  got  passing  grades  on the latest round of standard
tests.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

mahagana.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Cynthia Maldonado, HF, 66, 5'1". 142 lbs, burglary Jarred Dotson, WM, 26, 6'1", 230 lbs, credit
card; Brittany Nichole Grant, WF, 34, 5'5", ID fraud; Isai Torres-Rodriguez, HM, 18, 5'10", 140 lbs, evading arrest; Mahaganay Denice Davis, BF, 34, 5'7", 287 lbs (Yorkshire hog). theft

A Willis, Texas, High School basketball player and his family beat up the
coach who had benched him mid-game. .  .  . A city councilman in Rain-
ier,  Washington,  who did not vote in his re-election campaign  lost  by
one vote. . . . A kangaroo being transferred from one zoo to another in
Canada escaped and  punched  a  policeman  trying to catch her  in  the
face. .  .  .  In the 16th century, Nostradamus predicted that the U.S. and
China would be at war  in  2024  and  that  Prince Harry would become
King of England. .  .  .  A 10-year-old black boy who pissed in a parking
lot in Mississippi was sentenced to three months' probation  and  an  es-
say on Kobe Bryant.
                                                             courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

felipere.jpg Locked uup in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Gabriel Lopez, 22, burglary; Joseph Pulido, 54, ctl. substs.; Crystal
Cabrera, 36, cruelty to livestock; Eduardo Lopez, 18, weapons; Felipe Reyes, 42, theft; Delisa Urenda, 40, mj, bail jumping; Jessie Viafranco, 58, c.s.

latwalla.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas):  Andrers M. Mondoux, HM, 22, 5'9", 155 lbs, aggravated battery; Tashe
Latwalla Fluker, BF, 47, 5'2", 160 lbs, probation violation (aggravated battery); Jason Earl Haggard, BM, 47, 5'6", 200 lbs, viol. of protect. ord.

Life Saver Dude: From the top, plop, plop, plop "The original patent from 1891 for a toilet paper roll shows the correct rolling dirrection, in case you ever doubted"

:

            The Kokomo Civic Theatre chorus brings a twist to a Christmas classic. . . .           

                       
                                       Ole Olson Memorial Theatre, Jake's Women . . .      

                                                 

sinnett.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): David E. Sinnett, WM, 68, 5'8", 168 lbs, aggravated battery; Carlos D.
Vasquez, HM, 25, 5'5", 120 lbs, probation violation (aggr. domestic bat.); Evan P. Dwyer, WM, 25, 6', 200 lbs, ag. indecent liberties w/child

ayalaoli.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Olivia Nicole Ayala, HF, 28, 5'5", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probaton violation (burglary); Bradley Lee Pharries, HM, 25, 6'1", 142 lbs, prob
viol. (ID fraud); Brehan Hotopp, WF, 41, 5'7", 155 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Justin Patrick Pitts, BM, 25, 5'7", 150 lbs, probation viol. (tamp. w/ev.); Michelyn Vakell Baker, BF, 20, 4'4", 115 lbs, pro. viol. (evading arr.)

Time magazine named Taylor Swift its "person of the year." . . . Bren-
da Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" finally made No. 1 on
Billboard's Top Hot 100 Chart, 65 years after its release.

                                                             courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

kevrevel.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Kevin Revell, 49, for U.S. marshal; Martin Valadez, 42, felon w/gun; Jose Ramirez, 50, marijuana,
DWOL, no ins., possession of drug paraphernalia icon; John Milligan, 28, pub. intox.; Joshua Falcon, 34, ev. tampering, paraphernalia; Julian Esquivel, 23, family assault

lifedrip.jpg Lide Saver Dude: Everywhere a drip-drip . . . "There's a drip right here, and a drip right there, here's a drip, there's a drip, everywhere a –" "OK, I get it!"

:

A Kokomo policeman was acquitted by a jury of assault in a road rage inci-
dent but convicted of disorderly conduct.
                                                                             [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

rosscoat2.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ross Coats Jr. WM, 6'2", 250 lbs, community corrrections violation, burg., theft; Mar
shawnhilliips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, robbery; Leon Lovelady Jr., BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, residential entry; Arthur McNeeley, WM, 5'5", 200 lbs, reckless homicide

guadalup.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Guadalupe Martinez, 40, DUI; Angelica Trevino, 44,
DUI; Josie Metz, 22, DUI; Maria Asebedo, 49, DUI; Nisa Montoya, 23, Mobery; Maria Wagoner, 60, DUI; Shannon Castaneda 47, DUI

Andrew Cuomo, Eric Adams, Axl Rose and Sean “Diddy” Combs were
accused of sexual assault.  .  .  .  Palestinian protesters cut in front of the
Sinclair Oil dinosaur in Macy's Thanksgiving parade. . . . More than 300
animals transported from California to Arizona for adoption  were sold
to the reptile feeding company Fertile Turtle for snake food. .  .  .  More
than a million chickens were scheduled for slaughter at an  egg  farm  in
Ohio to curb an outbreak of bird flu. . . . President Biden confused Tay-
lor Swift  with Britney Spears  in his speech pardoring the turkeys Liber-
ty and Bell. . . .  New York Congressman George Santos compared him-
self to Mary Magdalene.
                                                               [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

leeroyto.jpg Leeroy Tovar Fuentes, HM, 23, 5'5", 155 lbs, injury to child, Nathan Antonio Parham, BM, 33, 5'3", 150 lbs, strangulation, theft,
Channon Sorenson, WF, 49, 5' 2", 115 lbs, probation viol (cs); unidentified; Darrell Hood, BM, 67, 5'10"", 115 lbs, probation viol. (drunken manslaughter)

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville, Kentucky,   just   after   services   at  the  Boiling Springs  General  Baptist  Church  every Sunday. Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future include Melanie Renate.