"People who like this sort of thing
will find this the sort of thing they like."
Abe Lincoln

Almost as Good...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day
and be grateful for it,
If you can understand
when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when something goes wrong
through no fault of yours
and those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart
you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friends,
you are almost as good as your dog.

Thank you.
We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision.
I just don't give a damn.

I like you.
  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I?
  Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude.
You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

My powers can only be used for good.

How about never?
Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with
once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...
Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer
if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind,
but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here.
  I'm a consultant.

It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time
to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this,
laugh nervously and change the subject.

Petty and Frustrating Annoyances

You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls,
and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway,
like it'll magically open for them and not you.

Someone says, "well, to make a long story short"
and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

There's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses
with that stupid little plastic thing
in the middle of them.

There's always a car riding your tail
when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop,
but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper
never works for you.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air
while you're trying to get a reading.

There are always one or two ice cubes
that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket
and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn
because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm
instead of 7am.

You rub on hand cream
and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You have to inform five different sales people
in the same store
that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second
ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table
to pick something off the floor
and smash your head on the way up.

Grocery Store Gripes!

People behind you on a supermarket line
dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

The person behind you in the supermarket
runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket
and writes a check or uses a credit card.