Editor : Dwayne Marshall

Contributing writers:

Spiro Agnew

Rod Pellegrini

Kevin

Jennifer

Brian Westcott

Morey

Streetfire
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CBS--The Cobra Broadcasting system
Spiro Agnew

INSIDE COBRA INTERVIEWS --SPECIAL REPORT LAST MINUTE ADDITION -- RED NINJA
Rod Pellegrini
INSIDE COBRA INTERVIEWS -- Dr. Mindbender
Spiro Agnew
INSIDE COBRA INTERVIEWS -- a toxo-viper
Jennifer

IN PRAISE OF COBRA -- in poetry
Kevin Magri

QUARTERLY FORCES BRIEFING by Morey (Eel 291)
Richard Pfeiffer

COBRA BATTLE ANTHEM
Brian Westcott

CELEBRITY COBRAS ADDITIONAL
Streetfire

TOY REVIEWS

LETTERS

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FEATURES

The CBS Revisited (Cobra Broadcasting System)
(written by R.McClurg aka Spiro Agnew)

This report details the specifics of shows for the Cobra Broadcasting System (CBS) as mentioned earlier. It could be a rousing success if planed right, and paced well enough as not to alarm regular viewers of CBS (all ten of them) so we can make the switch from CBS showing Crap "Round the Clock" to the new CBS's "All Cobra, All the Time". Shows will feature Cobra members in all their glory and doing what they do best. Proposed ideas are as follows (NOTE: contracts with those mentioned are yet to be negotiated...)

"Knockout! with Big Boa"- a bi-weekly venture into the world of agriculture, the arts, herbal medicines, wildlife habitats and pet care with your host Big Boa. Each show will feature three guests, one of which will be beaten silly by Boa himself for having the least interesting conversation, AS VOTED BY YOU AT HOME! A sure hit.

"That Crazy Copperhead"- each Monday at 9pm, see the zany and madcap antics of Cobra's own resident swamp vehicle operator as he creates havoc in the Cobra ranks. See Copperhead switch the Dreadnok's grape soda with motor oil, hide a hidden camera in Sgt. Slaughter's private quarters to see how much of a man Sarge REALLY is (hint: seems he is fond of women's underwear), and wake up a squad of Strato-Vipers at 4am by soaking them with a fire hose. That is just a taste of Copperhead's antics he performs every week!

"PetTalk with CrocMaster and Raptor"- Sunday brings you two of Cobra's best pet experts to answer your questions live on air. Cat owners be warned...CrocMaster's solutions to your problems always seem to end in bringing your cat to the studio to be fed to his Crocodile. CBS takes no responsibility for eaten pets caused by your stupidity.

"Destro and Baroness' Super Terrific Happy Hour"- Your hosts Destro and Baroness serve up a generous helping of comedy and talent acts in this one hour variety-style program. Guests to look for this season: Devo, George Harrison, Barf and His Amazing Arfs, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, The Flying Galaragalga Brothers and Cobra's own Cold Slither. Between the acts, Des and Bari entertain you with their quick wit, or song-bird-like voices. Monday after "That Crazy Copperhead". (In no way is this a take-off of the Sony and Cher Show. Cobra takes no responsibility for the death of Sony Bono)

"The Need for Speed with Thrasher"- the Dreadnok's own bad-boy Thrasher has now got his own weekly car show. See him slam a posie rear-end in the Thunder Machine, drop a 405 big-block in Xamot's Toyota, hijack G.I. Joe vehicles left parked unattended or accent Cobra Commander's Rolls with gold-plated hubcaps. No matter the job a car requires, Thrasher is on it!

"Death, Destruction, Fear, Corruption, and Terror"- make your garden bloom this summer like it has never bloomed before. Host Firefly takes you through the steps to a better garden, and how to make your vegetable look and taste better. Weekly guests round out each show by revealing their deepest gardening secrets to help you, and your garden look and feel great! (the title will draw viewers who tune in when their curiosity gets the better of them.)

"CobraProfile"- each week we take a look back into the past, present and future to profile a member of Cobra who has shown outstanding courage, bravery, or have paid us off well in advance. The fee is $10000. Send to, Cobra, c/o Spiro Agnew, Transcarpathia, 0528.

"Family Matters"- This ain't Urkel! Every Sunday, kick back and take a candid look at the lives of Zartan, Zarana, and Zandar, those kooky Dreadnok siblings. Laughs-o-plenty are sure to commence when Zartan accidentally throws Zarana's motorcycle in the garbage, Zandar contacts a dating service, Zarana gets her head caught in the freezer, and special guest Mr. T drops by to collect some money Zartan owed to him. And that's all in the first episode! Don't miss the fun, every Sunday at 8:30!

"Financial Daylights"- wake up with Tomax and Xamot and their delightful brand of delivering their financial news straight and to the point. Find out what's hot, and who was attacked by a mob of angry Crimson Guards because their "hot-stock-tip" ended up to be a dud. Inside scoops on the market, with live on air phone-in questions for the boys. Watch out business world, the Crimson Twins have hit the airwaves!

"The Traveling Gourmet"- the finest chocolate from Switzerland, the most amazing spaghetti from Italy all delivered to your T.V. every Monday as CBS's own "Traveling Gourmet" RoadPig, roams the country-side in search of his next meal. The rating system RoadPig uses is simple, if he recommends it he simply gets up and walks away. If it displeases his stomach in any way, he destroys the restaurant and innocent bystanders with his cinder-block mallet. More often than not RoadPig finishes each episode with a trip to the old stand-by, a greasy burger joint. Come search for the world's finest food, every Sunday.

"COSA This Morning"- spend Saturday and Sunday mornings with Wild Weasel, your host to a look at the most exciting action from the world of COSA (Cobra Organized Sports Alliance). The best Cobra agents from around the world take the court for a single elimination tennis tournament (defending champion Monkeywrench is this year's odds-on-favorite). Exciting, fast-paced action is expected when the Tele-Vipers take the ice against the Strato-Vipers in a "Ozzie Rules" hockey match. Defending champs, the Snow Serpents try to stop the undefeated Eels as they try to bowl their way to victory, a live broadcast from the beautiful Cobra Lanes Bowling Alley. This looks to be one of the best years ever for COSA, tune in and find out!

"Slice, Dice and Spice"- if hard-hitting drama is your game, this is the show for you. Slice and Dice, two of Cobra's finest team up with the Spice Girls in their television acting debut in this one-hour drama about two proctologists (Slice and Dice) who decide to give it up one day and sew their wild oats. They travel the country-side where they meet five lost women (lost in more way's than one) and they all rent a home in the suburbs of Utah. There, they fight crime by night, and deal with the pressures that life brings to two former proctologists and five unemployed deadbeats. Catch this tear-jerking, heart-warming drama every Friday as part of our T.G.I.N.A.P. line-up (Thank God I'm Not A Proctologist).

"Burning Stuff"- This aptly titled show makes you wonder if Dreadnoks have ANY common sense what so ever. Torch checks in every week in a flame-filled half-hour showing you the joys of setting fire to things. Episode One looks at burning pencils, grandfather clocks, hair (totally by accident, we seriously hope the scars heal, Crystal Ball...), video cassettes, clothes and there is a special look at the proper way to set fire to small animals (30 lbs. and under, 30lbs-70lbs will be discussed in Episode Three). Cobra has promised that if this show goes well the probation officer will give permission for Buzzer, Ripper and Monkeywrench to have their own shows, "Cutting Stuff", "Breaking Stuff" and "Poking Stuff with Those Pointy-Thingies on the End of My Gun" respectively. Another show may be created as to why Torch, Buzzer, and Ripper all have cool "specialty" weapons, and Monkeywrench gets some lame "pointy gun".

"I Did It My Way: The Cobra Commander Biography"- Everyday at 1am, 6am, and 5pm we will show this special look over and over at how our glorious Commander came to power, how he continues his reign of power and how he will continue to have power throughout the years to come. Viewing is mandatory.

"Science Team 2000"- after-school fun for the kiddies as Dr. Mindbender hosts this educational science show. Among Mindbender's first projects are a neutron bomb, a make-shift plasma gun, the ever-famous "Brain Decay 5", a Swiss Army Knife w/Utoria-Powered SuperLaser©, and how to make a B.A.T. from everyday household objects. Children are needed to star in this show with the Doctor. Kids should know the laws of physics, how to use a hot cottering iron, and how to wire a Utoria-powered SuperLaser©. The last is a must, because eleven children have died in the pilot alone when the Utoria-powered SuperLaser©'s positive Y-axis power cuplink was reversed with the negative Z-axis ion cuplink. Whoops...that last fact seemed to have slipped out, it may be dangerous work, but we pay VERY well...(ask the parents of the Olsen twins...)

"Dead, And Loving It"- after Zartan has tickled your funnybone at 8:30, join Serpentor and company at nine for even more laughs. This rib-tickler features Jim, a lowly Cobra Officer. His task, as given to him by secret sources, is to make the dead corpse of Serpentor look alive by any means necessary. See Jim drag Serpentor's corpse up 15 flights of stairs just to make a Cobra High Command meeting. See Jim accidentally drop Serpentor's corpse down the laundry chute and then have to fish it out of the washing machine. Hilarity ensues when Jim has to explain everyone that the smell of Serpentor's rotting corpse is only him because he has "eggs for every meal". Jim does all the walking and talking...but Serpentor seems to get all the credit!

This is just the tip of the Cobra iceberg. Watch for more updates. There is so much more left to come from the Cobra Broadcasting System, more shows, more action, ALL COBRA!
SEND ANY ADDITIONAL PROGRAM IDEAS TO

tele_vipers@hotmail.com
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Inside Cobra: Interview

SPECIAL REPORT

RED NINJA

This is Tele-Viper 32, reporting for Inside Cobra. I had to call a lot of favors to obtain the following interview. It wasn't easy, and now I'm even with everyone who ever owed me anything, but it was worth it. A "friend" arranged for a red ninja to contact me. This is the story of how it happened.

Little is known about Stormshadow's ninjas. Rumors exist that they move all around Cobra Island, at all times, without being seen or detected in any way. Considering all the different sensors and guards on duty at all times, this seems highly unlikely, and I, like many, refused to believe so until a note appeared in my room. The note was put in a vault, in a locked drawer inside an electronic-locked room in the heart of Cobra Island's main terrordrome. And _everything_ looked exactly as I left it. It read:

Below the biggest tree on top of the waterfall, 5:00 o'clock. Come alone.

I had been waiting for this red ninja to contact me for days, and couldn't wait to get to the meeting point, so I left early in hope of seeing where he would come from. At 5:30 I was still waiting, thinking he wasn't going to show up after all, but decided to wait another half hour. After another hour of waiting my patience had stretched to its limit, and I just yelled out loud

"Where the h*## is this guy?!

Right then, I was interrupted by a low voice that said "right here. It was about time you asked something, I was getting bored."

I turned around and saw nothing. I looked around twice and turned full circle before seeing him standing right in front of me, where I had started to turn. I was startled for a minute and then managed to ask:

"How long have you been here?"

"I got here at 5:00," He replied... [note: from this point onward I will use the interview format, with RN standing for Red Ninja and IC for Inside Cobra]

IC:
I didn't see you... well, you live up to your reputation. Can I ask you a few questions for Inside Cobra?

RN:
That's what I'm here for. I can only tell you certain things, otherwise Storm Shadow would have my @$$ nailed to a wall.

IC:
I understand. Let's start with questions about the Ninja Complex. Why is it so inaccesible? Why are there no roads leading to it?

RN:
It is inaccesible only to the people that don't know how to get to it. We hardly ever get visitors, and we like it that way. It is a good training environment.

IC:
Why was it built on top of what's left of the volcano? For many reasons. a) it is still the highest point on Cobra Island. We can see everywhere around us, and that makes it an easily defendable position. b) It is rising again. You see, when volcanoes erupt it's not the end of the story. Most develop what geologists call a caldera, which is a roughly circular, steep walled basin. They originate through collapse following an eruption and the partial emptying of the magma chamber. A rapid ejection of magma during a large lava or tephra eruption can leave the magma chamber empty or partly empty. The now unsupported roof of the chamber slowly sinks under its own weight, like a snow-laden roof on a shaky barn, dropping downward on a ring of steep vertical fractures. This is the stage our lovely volcano is at. However, we have learned that it is developing at an accelerated rate, and is becoming a resurgent dome. This is highly unusual, as it ordinarily takes thousands of years for it to happen, but due to how Cobra Island was created and due to its position over the fault line, it is not very surprising.

IC:
I didn't know you guys were also geologists. What is a resurgent dome?

RN:
We know a little bit about everything, missy. A resurgent dome is a structural dome formed by the uplifting of the collapsed floor of a caldera, caused by new magma entering the chamber. In other words, the volcano does not cease to be active, and a smaller cone developes within the caldera. In this case, the magma entering the chamber is so much that the whole area continues to rise. This will result in a cone of smaller diameter, but in a much higher volcano, since we are expecting the whole island to rise. This means the island's overall surface area will also grow.

IC:
Why is it important to you that the volcano is rising again?

RN:
The higher it gets, the more isolated and easily defendable the place will be. Right now, we have only built temporary buildings, as the area is still tectonically unstable, but I hear that it will stabilize once some of the magma erupts off the underwater volcano.

IC:
The underwater volcano?

RN:
Forget I mentioned that. No one's supposed to know that yet.

IC:
You've given me only two reasons why you picked the volcano to be the place for the complex so, what else?

RN:
Storm Shadow feels that once the volcano reaches its final height, it will be high enough that we'll be away from this humid swamp-like weather so characteristic of our little island. If he is right, then the natural springs and geisers we've discovered will make the place the most peaceful and perfect spot for training in Cobra Island. Moreover, we noticed that this natural spring is producing so much water we are expecting it to develop into a small waterfall. Once all of this has happened, Storm Shadow plans to introduce a local flora and fauna unlike any other in the Island. If the microclimate turns out to be the way we expect it, it will be perfect for the wildlife characteristic of the mountains of Asia, North and South America. We'll have a small micro-habitat of our own, with animals Storm Shadow feels we can trust and learn from. It will be our very own paradise. I hear the animals are already here, and are being kept in a climatized storage area somewhere in the island, until the volcano stabilizes once and for all. This should happen soon, incidentally. Expect an earthquake or two, with the associated tidal waves within the next three months. Very strong earthquakes. I think the commander will tell everyone about this tomorrow, so arrangements are made. He should learn about it himself tonight by six.

IC:
wow... er, hum, back to the ninja training issue... how does a recruit get to join the clan?

RN:
Well, we have a few requirements. First, we check your file, pay attention to your history to decide wether you can be trusted. Then, although this is not a must, we recommend that aspiring ninjas have at least a black belt in two different martial arts previous to beginning their training with us. Then Storm shadow tests them somehow--I can't give you any details here--and the worthiest aspiring students move on to the next stage.

IC:
Next stage?

RN:
Ninja boot camp, basically. We move into a secluded building in the middle of the jungle where the masters have set a training course, and we go through it. The people that make it go into a free-for-all and then are selected based on their form, iniciative, ability and quickness, among others. Some people that may not make it through the training course may still become students, if the masters think they have the potential. If accepted, they will have to train a lot harder than their cohorts, which already are going through the toughest training within Cobra forces.

IC:
And once you are accepted into the clan?

RN:
Hold your horses... All I've described is what it takes to get into the Dojo. Being accepted into the clan takes a lot more. You must complete a set of tests the masters will give you, which you will not know are tests, and once you have passed most, THEN you will be accepted into the clan and your real training will begin.

IC:
Can you be more specific?

RN:
Storm Shadow will polish your form in hand-to-hand combat, he will teach you camouflage and survival techniques, how to use the many different ninja weapons, and much more. You will also learn the history of ninjitsu in general and specially that of our clan. I'm not in liberty to say any more at this time.

IC:
I see. So once you finish your training you become a full-fledged Arashikage ninja?

RN:
Well, not exactly. There's one more little thing. A final exam, if you will, that you must pass. It has become known as "open ninja season." The new ninja is dropped alone in the most forested, beast-infested side of the island, which he will have to go across to get to a previously designated place to accomplish a mission, and then make it back to the dojo undetected. Of course, all of the island knows the date this'll happen so everyone is extra-careful trying to spot you. To this add two full squads of cobra eels that have no other goal in that date than to catch you, and you have the essentials of "ninja season." Of course, none of this matters to the ninja, because by the time anyone discovers what's missing or out of place, he is already back in the dojo being inducted into the clan. We have a perfect record, no ninja has ever been caught during these exercises since their inception.

IC:
Is there a time limit? i.e, how long does ninja season last?

RN:
The ninja has a full day to accomplish his mission, however none has taken more than five hours to be back.

IC:
What kind of things have been done during these missions? What were some of the objectives of the ninjas that have gone through these?

RN:
Well, sometimes it will just be a simple go and grab something mission, like the one time one of our ninjas "borrowed" the 1st cobra color war trophy from the winning Eel team. They were none too happy about that one, specially since they didn't know whodunnit. We returned it through the local cobra mail. Then there are the practical jokes kinda mission. You can't say we don't have a sense of humor... You shoud have heard the eel strike commander speak after we switched his oxygen tank for a helium tank... and oh, boy, you should have seen Destro the one time one of us poured ink into the inside of his mask while he was asleep... heh, heh... The Baroness laughed for hours the next night when he took it off again. There also was the time when we messed with the labels of the new HISS tanks... First time drivers were going in reverse when they hit first gear... And the time when we switched the channels... The Dreadnocks were watching the playboy channel and then all of a sudden their T.V. would only tune into the learning channel. THAT was a riot. I could go on, but I don't wanna have the whole island going after me. After all, all I've mentioned was done by a friend and myself. If I'd told you any of what my peers did, then I'd be in REAL trouble.

IC:
Oh, I see. Well, I think this is as much as I can handle for today. Would there be any way could contact you in the future?

RN:
No, but I'll contact you whenever I have a need of publishing something in the mag. You owe me.

IC:
Huh...o.k. [I took a look at my watch, looked up and he had dissapeared] There was no trace of him, and it was getting dark. I went back home not knowing if the last part of the interview was a good or bad thing, but there you have it folks. Now you know a lot more than you did about the Arashikage red ninjas. Tele-Viper 32 Signing off... Over and out.
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Inside Cobra: Interview
This Month: Dr Mindbender by R.McClurg (a.k.a. Spiro Agnew)

Spiro Agnew:
Hello, and welcome Cobra and G.I. Joe fans alike. I am your host Spiro Agnew and tonight, the guest I am speaking with needs no introduction, he is one of Cobra's most fearsome agents, and he has agreed to talk to us here just to find out a little about his past and just what makes him tick. Please welcome, Dr. Mindbender.

Dr. Mindbender:
Thank you, kindly.

SA:
Alright, let's take it from the top. From what I hear you never used to be this cruel, did you?

DM:
You are correct. I was once a weak and foolish man, working as an orthodontist, being kind to all the patients and laughing when the children kicked me in order to escape the extraction of teeth and whatnot. My life was boring, so in order to pull some excitement back into my life I decided to invent a electronic brainwave stimulation device that would incapacitate even the most strong-willed individual. Test subjects were needed but none were found. I had to try it on myself. This was the greatest decision in my life. This device, instead of making me helpless, transformed me into the Master of Mind Control that sits before you now. I am a genius.

SA:
So what you are saying is that you seen the "light at the end of the tunnel", and that made you the evil and twisted man you are?

DM:
Evil and twisted to you my friend, a valuable asset to Cobra. I have more money than you could ever imagine.

SA:
Cobra pays well?

DM:
That is an understatement. The orthodontist industry could never match what I make now if I worked until I was 400 years old. Plus the power you gain is worth it's weight in gold as well. Within the hour I can have troops scouring the country side for a man that I couldn't even recognize.

SA:
So you used your new personality and this brain altering device to catch the eye of a stalwart named Cobra Commander?

DM:
In a sense yes. I also created this novel of an idea of mine called the creeper bomb, which releases sleeping gas into the air. The Commander really liked that one. Once in the inner circle, I built lightweight torpedo boats that carried cargo over bodies of water on ski-like skimmers. They served their purpose.

SA:
I recently learned that you created the B.A.T.S. for Cobra as well.

DM:
Rightfully so, my learned friend. That is one of my proudest achievements!

SA:
But isn't it true that these androids are very unstable? Is it true that when you hit them from behind they burst into flames? Are they really useless in rocky terrain because they cannot function well when the field condition changes? Do they really attack anything that moves? I recently heard that fifteen Cobra agents were killed by a single B.A.T. I also heard that...

DM:
Um, well, so the B.A.T.S. have a few, um, glitches. Label them the beta version. Come 1999 we will have a new breed of B.A.T.S., with all those problems fixed, plus a few extra surprises...

SA:
I'm sure we can't wait...especially the troops that have to fight with those god-awful brainless hunks of trash...

DM:
What was that? I didn't catch that...

SA:
I said, even though this may be a touchy subject tell us about the resurrection fiasco that happened a few years back.

DM:
Well, it was and to a certain extent still is a touchy subject. The word around the campfire at the time was that the original Cobra Commander was still alive. I found out when Raptor and I, you do know who Raptor is, correct...?

SA:
Um...(fumbling through a mess of papers)...Raptor is the big guy in the bird suit, with the wings...and the beak on his forehead...right?

DM:
Yes, that's him. Anyway, we, that's Raptor and I, went to the Commander's grave site to try and dig up his body to create another Commander, the same as the original. When we got there, there was old rag-head, I mean the Commander...please remember to edit that rag-head part out, will you?

SA:
No problem. (Scribbles a reminder down on a scrap of paper)

DM:
Thanks, well, to make a long story short the Commander was still alive all along, and because he felt I was a traitor, he buried me in a freighter and left to die. And I did.

SA:
And to my knowledge, he dug up the freighter, took your remains, cloned you back to life using one of your very own techniques and then apologized for killing you in the first place?

DM:
Well said. All is true. And I once again rose through the ranks of Cobra to make it where I am today. Most people only do that sort of thing once. I did it twice.

SA:
One final note, you worked with the Transformers on a few occasions, any comments on that?

DM:
Terrible beings. Never did like working with those useless hunks of tin sh...

SA:
WELL, ALRIGHT, O.K., that about does it for this session, just in time too, seems the Doctor is getting a bit feisty and vulgar...

DM:
Feisty? Vulgar? You have not seen anything until you dropped by the Castle for poker night. Last week Major Bludd and Destro threw some left hooks at each other before Scrap-Iron cooled them down.

SA:
Really? Last week my mom kicked the living...um, where was I, oh yes, I would like to thank Dr. Mindbeder for joining me tonight and we hope to catch you next time when I sit down one on one with some of Cobra's finest. Goodnight. Speaking of my mom, are you single, Doctor...?
part 2