nce upon a time a lovely golden-haired Princess lived in the Land of
Nod, Grand Duchy of South Florida, with her handsome Prince Charming.When the union was first blessed in the days of olde (1971), the fair Princess and her handsome Prince slept on a massive bed of water. Life in Kingdom of Miami was hot and since they lived near the ocean, the couple enjoyed the coolness of the bed of water and loved to ride the waves.
As they matured, and the bed of water began to leak like a sieve, they
searched the kingdom far and wide for a new bedstead as the princess had
decided that she would like to try sleeping on terra firma once again. After
much deliberation, the royal couple found a nice, appropriately King-sized Serta that
seemed to suit well their needs and had it delivered to the castle.
The new royal bedding was not too soft nor too firm. The lovely Princess declared the the new sleeping pallet, "just right," and decorated the bedchamber in filmy, flowing gauze to keep out the native mosquitos for which the kingdom was known.
Five years later, the prince decided that he no longer wanted to grow up to
be King of the Kingdom. The Royal Family packed their belongings, filling
many carriages and conveyances with all of their worldly goods, and journied to
a new kingdom in the northern lands. They found an olde but stately castle
and moved in lock, stock, barrel... and mattress.
Unfortunately, when the Royal Pages tried to move the regal mattress up the
stairs, they found that it would not fit around the corner of the reverse staircase of the new
castle. Being the clever pages that they were, and with the Princess
standing by impatiently tapping her foot at the delay, the ingenious pages
decided to fold the regal mattress in half like a clam shell so that the
royal couple would not have to bed down on the cold, hard floors of the
bedchamber.
After much pushing and shoving and forcing, the State Mattress finally was wedged up the stairs, but alas! It would never be the same again. For no matter how many layers of eiderdown, satin padding, or soft skins the princess placed upon the mattress, she could still feel the bumps, ripples and sprung springs that had been made by the folding of the massive thing as it was forced up the stairs.
There was much work to be done to make the castle livable so the Prince and
Princess ignored the bumpy old mattress for many years.
After all, the
Prince was a sound sleeper who could fall asleep sitting or even standing
and such things did not concern him. Unfortunately the gentle Princess was
not made of such grit and while she awakened every morning for 13 years with
a back ache, being the kindly, gentle soul that she was, never once did she
complain to her Prince. (snort)
One golden, autumn day in 1995, when the leaves in the forest were just beginning to
change color and there was a fine nip in the aire, the Prince surprised our
Princess with a lovely new state of the art sleeping pallet. The Princess
was very excited! She was also deeply concerned that this new monstrous bed pallet
would be damaged while trying to move it to the top floor of the castle, for the
Princess well remembered what had happened to the previous Kingly pallet.
She called together the foremost minds in the Kingdom to survey the problem
and provide a solution. Six of the brightest and brawniest souls of the Realm
discussed and planned for many hours before they reached their
stupendous conclusion.
"We shall gather one and all and raise the thing into the aire, heaving it over
the veranda," said Sir John. And so it was agreed.
The next day, six hardy serfs gathered for the Royal Tossing Of The Mattress. A large conveyance was placed under the veranda and the strongest of the strong were elected to stand upon it and heave, while the less hardy were chosen to catch. The height of almost 20 feet would not be a problem!
As the Princess watched in awe, the brawny ones gingerly raised the heavy
pieces into the aire but try as they might, they were unable to actually toss
any of the three cumbersome, boxed and bound pallets. To see the men pushing and pulling and
straining and stretching while trying not to swear terrible oaths was indeed a sight that the
gentle Princess would ne'r forget!
Despite a few minor difficulties, suffice to say that eventually, all three bound and boxed pallets were pushed and tugged onto the lofty veranda without so much as torn thread or bent coil!
The Princess decided to wait a day before setting up the huge, quilted mattress so that the Royal chambermaids might prepare the bedchamber for the new addition. Floors were scrubbed and 13 years of dust from beneath the old Bed of State was scraped away and carted, in bales, down the stairs.
At last! The room was ready and the mattresses were placed in the
bedchamber. As the packaging was peeled away, the Princess's eyes
grew wide with wonder! Never had she seen such a massive pallet! The top
piece was almost 18 inches thick and there were two smaller mattresses sewn
to each side of the top piece. The box springs, when placed upon the frame,
also looked much thicker than she had ever seen.
"That thang is huuuuuge!" declared the Princess, as she tried to conceal the shocked look upon her face. But, she immediately set to tearing off many stickers and tags which read among other things, "Do not remove under penalty of law." She sat them in a neat pile on the State Dresser to read later and got to the tasks at hand.
With the new bed in place, our Princess tried to find bedding that would
stretch to fit the monstrosity. Many pairs of designer sheets were tossed to
the wayside as she dug through the Royal Cedar Chests searching for linens which might
cover the broad expanse.
Finally, one set was found that had extra depth and while not really satisfactory, the linens did seem to stay on without popping off and flying into the aire. The Royal comfortor was also unsatisfactory but the Prince had spent all of the treasury on the bed pieces so the Princess was forced to make do with the somewhat skimpy but plush comfortor that was patterned in olde fashioned cabbage roses.
As they stood back to survey the new bed, the Princess realized that she
could no longer see her beloved, tall, brass headboard. It had all but disappeared
behind the high mattress and the layers of pillows that she liked to place
there. When she tried to sit upon the bed, she was unable to climb upon it.
The bewildered Princess needed a ladder but there was none to be found.
Finally, in desparation, she ran down the hall and flung herself at it.
Barely grasping it's high sides, she pulled herself up to the top!
She lay down with a sigh to experience the soft, yet gentle firmness of the deep quilting and special, channeled brocade. The princess was pleased, but when she sat up, the ceiling fan nearly took off the top of her fluffy blonde hair! Why, she was above the level of the dressers and the secretary! The chair to the foot of the bed looked as if it belonged in a doll house! The nightstands beside the bed were a full foot below bed-level. Our Princess knew not whether to laugh or weep. Instead she began to get dizzy from the height and had to be helped down from the lofty perch.
The Prince immediately declared the new bedstead a sacrificial altar and
began searching for a lamb. The Princess collapsed on the floor laughing, for
try as she might, she could not climb back upon the bed without assistance.
The Prince said that if the Princess got angry and pushed him out of the bed,
it would be Murder One. Discussion ensued as to whether one would need
oxygen to assist in breathing the thin air atop the new bed. The Prince and
Princess frolicked on the new bed but were unable to jump and bounce like
children as they had planned for they were afraid of hitting their heads
against the 12 foot ceilings.
When the little Princess got home from school she was frightened by the thing
and also unable to scale it. The Royal Pooch stared wearily at it and was
afraid to move when he was placed upon it in his usual sleeping spot. The
Royal Household was in an uproar!
The stately bedroom was complete, awaiting the fall of darkness and weary royalty to
test the quality of slumber that it should provide. The Prince had gone out
to search for a bed ladder, or should he fail to find a comely one, an orange
crate, so that his Princess might sleep beside him on the luxurious new
mattress.
When the Princess ventured back up the stairs to the chamber after her tea, she took the handful of tags that she had removed from the mattresses and began to read them. The one that caught her attention read:
Better Sleep On A
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Thinking of purchasing a new mattress? Click here to learn how to buy a mattress.
I want to meet the little Princess and the Royal Pooch.
Visit Buckingham Palace or take a peek at the Crown Jewels.
Coming Soon, Eclectica, Vintage Jewelry & Collectibles, perfect for a picky Princess.
If you like Fairy Tales, you will definately want to visit The Fairy Tale Links.
I also recommend Tales of Wonder if you are in the mood for a good read.
Enough Fairy Tales already! I want to read some juicy, true royal scandals!
Explore a Renaissance Fair.
Show me some jewels that I could wear to a Renaissance Fair.
Princess, Schmincess! Let's talk about Mermaids!
Vintage creepie-crawlies and critters for sale at Gone Buggy!
Flutter over to my Butterfly Page.
Have a look at a few of My Favorite Things.
Visit Eclectica for collectible vintage and estate jewelry.
Coming Soon! Another amazing, true life adventure, *Kidnapped By Firemen.*
Pen a note to Princess Flaurel
Kindly escort me back to the Castle now,
Igor.