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10
WAYS
TO
KNOW
IF
YOU
HAVE
PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says,"How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~
TOP
TEN
THINGS
ONLY
WOMEN
UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
~~~~~~~~~
THE
RULES
=========
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is NEVER wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the expressed, written
consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether
she wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him
to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, now what
she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't
take
the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male
must cater to her every whim.
17.Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18.If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to
Rule #5
~~~~~~~~~
Some
Rules
Kids
Won't
Learnin
School
Unfortunately there are some things that children should be
learning in school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics.
As a
modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may
not have
found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule #1. Life is
not fair. Get used to it.
The average teen-ager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day.
You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided
they must be
the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from
their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real
world won't care as much
about your self-esteem as your school does.
It'll expect you to accomplish something before you
feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated
self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair.
(See Rule No. 1)
Rule #3. Sorry, you
won't make $40,000 a year right out of high
school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either.
You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
Rule #4. If you think
your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss.
He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier.
When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
Rule #5. Flipping
burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping.
They called it opportunity.
They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either.
They would have been embarrassed to sit around
talking about Kurt Cobain or Marilyn Manson all weekend.
Rule #6. It's not
your parents fault.
If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of
"It's my life,"
and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of
your generation.
When you turn 18, it's on your dime.
Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule #7. Before you
were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way,
before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of
your
parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule #8. Life is
not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off.
Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day.
For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks.
It just goes on and on.
Rule #9. Television
is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom.
Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for
commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee
shop
to go to jobs.Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer
Aniston.
Rule #10. Be nice
to nerds.
You may end up working for them We all could.
Some do,...Look at Bill Gates
.
Rule #11. Enjoy
this while you can.
Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing
but,
someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid.
~~~~~~~~~
REAL
MEN
DEGREE
A new two-year degree is being offered at
Life University:
Becoming A Real Man.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in
at 4 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schdule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an #@*!#$ When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 You, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If "It's Awake", Take a
Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially
when Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail
only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking With Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)
~~~~~~~~~
I Love
My
Job
1. Never give me work i the morning.
Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. the challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and
interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone
where you're going. It
give me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes,
books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as
a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case
I
should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to
do, don't tell me which
is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late.
I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond
work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it
a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.
I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for
a job, don't write them
down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're
with. I have o
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain I am plankton.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm
doing for you cold
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems.
No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the
story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you
received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN
tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with
a cost of
living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
~~~~~~~~~
A
WOMAN'S
50
RULES
FOR
MEN
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun,
invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve
strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?"
is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's
of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her
what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking
is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart"
are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad.
Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer
to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever
nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid
cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave
does not equal soap,and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?"
with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably
not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by
your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up
and hit any awning in single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's
shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for
every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence
could mean anything she feels
like at that particular moment in time, and
it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification
for using her toothbrush.You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone
after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually
exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't
whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her,
break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does
it for you.
39. Don't tell her
you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any
cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick
on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this
without question. The fact that she
has to go through labor while you sit in the
waiting room on your ass smoking
cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
~~~~~~~~~
Subject:
Man
vs.
Women
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't
end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection in everythingshiny from
every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why
get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out
there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls
and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
******** And now
it's time for a rebuttal ********
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man
like you!
