'Caroline, have you seen me lately?'

Maybe he guessed, maybe Caroline had said something, but Richard knew, he knew about the tape. There seemed little choice, Julia had to tell him, to explain why, maybe he'd understand, see that it was better for them both. Yes, she decided, he'd understand.

He never thought he could go so fast from loving someone to hating them. There was a kind of perverse logic in the fact that you could only truly despise those you once adored, and never had he felt this was more true. As she said the words, all those years of longing, the memories of happiness, ecstasy and delight faded from his mind, her beauty was slowly fading, the Julia he loved, had loved was gone, and with the new image he felt a disgust.

'Get away from me,' he shouted, moving back, she approached, reaching for him. Slowly the past returned to his memory, the former love of his life was no longer a figure of hatred, more like contempt. He placed a hand on her shoulder and looked deep in to her face, a face he once loved, a face that had moved him so, a face he could now only pity. 'This isn't gonna be easy,' he spoke as if realising that fact would make it better for her, 'but I don't need you, believe me.' He let her go and began walking to the door. She said about the good times, the great times, how they were good together. And as he looked at her, the disdain in his eyes 'yeah you got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece of me, but I don't need you.' The door swung closed as he left.

Outside the door a tear slowly trickled down his cheek, he knew it was for the best, he knew how much he hated her, but he also knew how these things hurt.

It had been several weeks ago he had noticed. He was in a cab, God knows why. The driver had the radio on, a song blared out the speakers and a line spun in to his head. 'Will you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white,' and as the words toyed with his mind things became clear. That life with Julia had been ok, it had been fun, and yet... Yet it lacked something, it lacked a magic, a spark, and her life with her was just so black and white, he needed colour, he needed... Caroline. He'd told Julia things weren't going well, that his life was losing it's meaning, and at the height of the argument he flung the words 'I feel like I'm fading away,' and he did, it was like every day he was with Julia, he was becoming less Richard Karinsky and more Julia's partner. The argument descended to personal abuse and shortly afterwards the tape came out, he had suspected, but never known...

But now it was a bar, and the drinks he drained frequently loosened his tongue, and with an alcohol induced eloquence he spoke to the bar man.

'I remember me, and all the little things that make up a memory, like she said, she loved to watch me sleep,' he smiled at the memory, the thought cheered him. 'Like she said, "it's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."' he tried his best sexy italian female accent and failed.

The bar man grinned, there were things about his job he hated, and things he loved, but seeing someone reminiscing like this made him feel good, despite, as was obvious, the relationship was over, for it was he, and a small amount of alcohol had helped him ease the pain. A touch of curiosity overcame him and he asked Richard why they split up, if he loved her so much. And with the enigmatic smile of someone realising so many mistakes he replied 'have you seen me lately?'

Caroline was watching the TV, some film, made for TV, based on a true story, a recipe for disaster, but she was engrossed in a way only a manically depressed person can. She heard a knock at the door and, reaching for a tissue wiped her eyes, walked to the door and opened it. A look of surprise crossed her face as she saw Richard standing there, she could see he was drunk, but there was something else, something wrong. She asked him what it was. He told her, he told her how he felt less like Richard Karinsky, less like himself, and more like... more like... someone else, and with pleading in his voice and a tear in his eye, he placed a hand on her shoulders and looked at her, 'could you tell me the things you remember about me?' was his obscure question and, sitting down, the talk quickly turned to the past, the cartoon strip and the good times, the smiles of distant half-forgotten memories cheered them. And as the conversation died down, he remembered how he was hurting, how Julia had made him into someone else, and with a sigh he spoke 'I guess I thought someone would notice,' Caroline replied that she had, 'I guess I thought someone would say something, if I was missing.' And Caroline couldn't reply, for so many weeks she had wanted to say something, but knew she shouldn't.

Caroline stood, and walked to the partners desk, calling back to Richard, 'come on, colour me in' Richard looked questioningly, until he saw the strip on the desk, and moving to her picked up the cerulean blue. 'Give me your blue rain' she requested, and seconds later he had. With a smile, remembering Richard's dark out-look, she asked, 'give me your black sky' he'd almost started to colour when he realised the joke.

'Give me your green eyes' he said as he reached for her, and as his lips moved to hers, 'Come on, give me your white skin,' they kissed for what seemed like forever, and with a smile that had been years in the making Richard said, 'have you seen me lately?'

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Page last updated on 12th November 1998

Maintained by Julian Fletcher (julian@innocent.com)