It Doesn't
Matter (script version)It Doesn't
Matter (script version)I will not describe the specific persons or locations. I will tell you the mood, the feeling, and the emotional overtone I would like to see. We see a person sitting at a table, a well dressed man, JOHN, in his early 30's, pint in hand, almost empty. JOHN is lost in thought, daydreaming, perhaps. Soon, a friend, MARK, comes over to his table bringing with him a pint as well.
JOHN
(MARK motions
to JOHN's glass)
You want me to fill that up?
(JOHN
shakes head, MARK sits down casually facing JOHN, there is
a small pause.)
MARK
It really is good to see
you again after all this time...
JOHN
You too... It's
good to have someone you can really talk to.
(pause)
MARK
I
guess it must be getting on for five years now, yeah?
JOHN
(disinterestedly)
Yeah,
it's about that I guess...
MARK
Well, anyway, I'm glad
you called. Thought you'd forgotten your old friends, we did... what
with your hob-nobbing with them money-makers...
(eager to try to
get the conversation going)
JOHN
(absent-mindedly smiling)
Well, I
was tempted...
MARK
I read your book by the way.
Really liked it...
JOHN
Thanks.
MARK
Working on another?
JOHN
Mmmm...
yeah... it's in the pipeline...
(pause, mind slowly returning to
the original conversation)
So the old gang...You still see them? Talk
to them?
MARK
Well, Simon, of course, but you keep
in touch, so no matter; Matt, he's over in the States,
some hospital or other, doing well, so I hear. Shaun's tamed
down a lot, good job, wife, house, cat, the likes... it's
always the ones you least expect that surprise you... Except you
of course...
JOHN
How's that?
MARK
Well, you know...
You've always sort have been the solid type of guy someone
could base their life on.
(pause)
In fact, I'm still
surprised you haven't gotten together with someone yet. You can't exactly
be without offers... a loaded man like you?
(smiles)
...so,
any lucky lady you've got hidden in a closet somewhere?..
(MARK
gives a friendly/rascaly blink)
(MARK noticed the change in
JOHN's countenance, the dejected frown sank even lower, MARK's
face fell with empathy)
JOHN
(JOHN tried to
ignore the comment; a slight pause, heavy sigh)
No... no... you
know... it's just that I feel like that saying, "shouldn't I
be taller?"
MARK
(the question catches him unaware)
Eh?
JOHN
It's
a phrase. You just reminded me of it... You know, like,
shouldn't I be this, shouldn't I be that, I know I
can't change what I am, but wouldn't it be better if
I could... in the end we always say that we're better
as we are, that the person we aspire to is weaker
in other respects, but that deep down we know... we know
we should be taller... Do you know what I'm saying?
MARK
Yeah,
I get you... I don't see your point, but I do
get you...
JOHN
Just thinking about my own shortcomings... you
know, shouldn't I be stronger, have more self-respect, have more faith
in myself... not be such a coward... not hide my feelings?
(pause)
I
guess what I mean is, hell, I should get off my
backside and just do something, sod the consequences...
MARK
Aaah,
got you, now I understand... there was a woman... and, I
may be going out on a limb here, you didn't do
anything about it...?
JOHN
Mmmmm... but you see I did.I
did do something about it...
MARK
Oh...
(pause)
JOHN
(abruptly)
Do
you remember Laura?
MARK
You mean at Leeds?
Yeah... sure...
sort of...
You pointed her out to me once...
JOHN
(smiles)
Well,
I would say I was in love with her, but in
truth I didn't know her well enough, it might have been
lust, but I don't think so, it was more infatuation... yeah,
I was infatuated with her... but I so wanted to be
in love with her...
MARK
Now I remember her...
(pause)
Aren't
you over that now? I mean, what is it? eight or
nine years? C'mon...
JOHN
(smiles quickly, looks down, becomes
more serious)
Maybe... Maybe...
(a momentary pause)
MARK
She
was pretty stunning, though, wasn't she?
JOHN
She was smart,
too.
MARK
Yeah, well smarter than me anyway...
JOHN
(smiling,
nodding)
Yeah, I'll give you that.You know, I even remember the
first time I saw her...
I'm trying not to forget.
MARK
Mmmm?
The action takes place on screen as JOHN narrates it...
JOHN
(narrating)
It
was actually in Leeds, sometime or other in the spring... after
Easter, sometime. She had just moved here from somewhere in the
South. She was beautiful... I mean the stuff that dreams are
made of... I couldn't go up to her straight away... that's
just... just not me... not my style... you know that... But,
I couldn't stop thinking about her
JOHN
Her face, her eyes,
the way the day seemed so much brighter when she smiled,
and her voice, I mean when she spoke, I just got
lost in the beauty of it... it was perfect... absolutely perfect...
(smiles)
But
all I could do was think about it for weeks on
end. I never got up enough courage to speak to her,
speak to her properly...
(MARK is a little taken
aback to hear such personal information, but he is definitely interested.
JOHN lingers on the thought. Then snapping out of the brief
reverie, he reached for his glass and drains it)
JOHN
(starting
to get up)
I think... I think I need some air...
coming?
MARK
Sure... just let me finish this first.
(MARK
finishes his drink and they walk out)
JOHN
I know you think it's
sad, maybe even pathetic, you with your carpe diem crap... but
some of us... some of us just like to sit and
savour the euphoria of the hoping... but then... then Harry held
one of his parties...
The action takes place on screen as JOHN narrates it, in the background the general hubbub of the party is heard.
JOHN
(narrating)
Well, I guess you could
call it a party... It was typical Harry, dirt-cheap beer and
awful music, he drank too much and made a idiot of
himself as usual. No one minded too much though because he's
a nice enough guy and we expect it from him...
(JOHN
realizes he is digressing and re-focuses)
Anyway, she was across the
room in conversation with some eager listener, I forget who now,
some creep who's mind wasn't even thinking of her words, only
her...
(a hint of disdain in his voice)
and then
she laughed, tossing her hair behind her, as she did... The
way she smiled... I so much wanted to be near her.
But I continued my conversation with whichever bore was beside me
at the time, in that sort of disheartened way when we
don't really care much if we say what we mean or
mean what we say...
(pauses)
As the conversation droned on
I kept making opportunities to look over at her... over and
over again... Then... I finally I decided what to do.
I
made my apologies...
I started to walk towards her.
I said
her name...
She turned to look at me...
She smiled...
(pause)
Then,
like a slap, reality hit me full in the face....
(JOHN,
younger, speaks in the flashback...)
Younger JOHN
It... It
doesn't matter...
(We return to narrators voice... the younger JOHN
continues walking past her as if it were an accident.)
JOHN
(narrating)
That
moment I swear I shall never forget. That moment when I
had love within my grasp and I just threw it away.
I may smile when I think of it now... but then...
what's the alternative....
MARK
(truly
interested)
That's....
(struggling for an adjective, settling on an inappropriate
one)
...tragic.
JOHN
Yes... it really is, isn't it? I
try to keep in touch... I write occasionally... letters and such...
(pauses,
producing a letter, and keeps it held, clutched tightly in his
hand)
I'm much better through writing than speaking, anyway...
(pauses
again)
They're still hard to write, though. The words get confused
in my head, sometimes I get nervous, I have trouble acting
normal when I'm nervous...
(turns to MARK)
You know
how it is...
(MARK smiles weakly)
Just when I
think I can do it... think I can write what I
really want to say, what I truly feel, then, there's always
that space, that absence where those three words should be... "I
love you"... just so easy to say... so hard to mean...
I wish there was some other way to put it... something
stronger... more meaningful.
(pause)
I've always wanted to write them,
but I can't... I just can't.
(pause)
Maybe I shouldn't...
MARK
(pathetically
trying to be helpful)
If it would help... I could tell...
talk... I mean...
JOHN
(quickly)
No, no...
MARK
Are
you sure?...
JOHN
Yes... I give them to her myself,
that's my one compensation for my original weakness...In fact, it's where
we're going now...
(MARK's curiosity was piqued)
You
know... you know...
(looks down)
I've never told anyone this...
but without her I really would be nothing... without her I
would never have been able to write that book, and I
sure as hell wouldn't be famous now... she taught me how
to love... gave me someone to love... and how to cry...
she really gave me my emotions... real emotions... before I met
her my heart was just a blank slate... she fills me
with the words that I wrote. That book, those pages, they're
her... they're really just all her...
(Happy, but deeply emotionally
shaken)
...but you know what?...
The younger JOHN is seen walking past Laura, through the door, out the house across the street. At the last minute, Laura quickly follows. JOHN's narrative continues over the scene.
JOHN
(narrating)
..I
would give it all up now... happily give it up... the
book, everything... If I just could have stopped her from rushing
after me across the road. I would give it all up
just so she would be alive...
(Hear screech of tyres.
We watch JOHN's face as he sees her hit by
a car)
They've reached where they were walking, the cemetery
(MARK is
speechless, JOHN gives an agonizing smile)
(JOHN lifts up the
letter in his hand, visibly trying to control himself)
JOHN
I
put the letters on her grave now... it's the most I
can do.
(Smiles, puts the letter on the slight plinth
on which the gravestone rests)
You know the only sad thing?
If
only I had said how I felt then.
(pause)
If
only I'd have said it...
(a pause, shot lingers on
his face, tears roll down his cheeks)
(then, looks at
MARK)
That was the real problem... I was wrong
from the very beginning...
(pause)
It did matter... it always
does matter...
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Page last updated on 12th November 1998
Maintained by Julian Fletcher (julian@innocent.com)