I am telling my story here...yes, for everyone to see, in hopes that it may help someone in thier silent struggle. This isn't easy...it's something I would rather put behind me. It's still difficult to accept that for MOST of my life, I have lived in terror of another person...and the sad thing is...it wasn't just ONE person. Abuse started in my life when I was a child. I was the first child of two very young parents (of course this was in the 50s and it was normal to be married at 18 and 19). We lived with my grandparents until I was about a year old (while my father completed his tour in the service). When my sister came along (I was around 2) I guess the stress of two youngsters started taking it's tole on my parents. I have vivid memories from a very young age of brutal punishments. Of course as the family grew it only got worse. I really can't deal with what my parents did to me in this post...I'm just not up to it right now. By the way, just for the record, my parents were also abusive to each other and my siblings. They say if you live with something enough, it is what you EXPECT and seek. I don't know if this is true, however I managed to add to the statistics. Since my parents would not allow me to go to college (can you believe that) and persuaded me NOT to join the Air Force, I did the next best thing...I got married ... at 18. While dating, he wasn't great, but he never hit me. To be honest, I had such low self esteem, I thought I'd never find anything better. The abuse started almost the night we got married. We had friends over and one of the men looked at me in a way he felt unappropriate. He got mad because I smiled back at the guy. From that point on, I was a piece of property. I wasn't allowed to do anything without his approval, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him. He wouldn't even allow me to have a telephone. My self esteem plummetted even lower. Over the years, he began drinking...A LOT!!! He was always going out and I wasn't allowed to ask him where he was going or who he was with. IF I ever forgot these rules, (and I did frequently) I was quickly reminded with a beating...I forgot to mention he studied martial arts and he really knew how to hurt me. I was in the hospital SEVERAL times...one of the most severe was the time he caused me to have a miscarriage (a child he didn't want and was happy about the loss) and ended up causing physical damage to me to where I was told I'd probably never conceive again. This was devastating! I went into a SEVERE depression. I sat in my house all day, gained weight and just didn't care. He'd come home and if the house wasn't spotless, or if dinner wasn't made, he would beat me. I would BEG him just to kill me. A couple of times he nearly did. Once he pulled out his .357 and aimed it at me...he was squeezing the trigger and I knew my life was over. At the last moment he aimed it down to the floor and shot. A huge chuck of cement (from the foundation, I guess) lodged into my calf. He took me to the ER and I can't even remember what I told them when asked how it happened. As usual, I made up some story. There was the time on his birthday that he came home drunk. I had made a nice dinner and a cake for him. He wasn't hungry, and he threw the cake across the room. Then he demanded I clean it up. I screamed at him and ran to the bedroom. He broke the door open and beat me mercilessly....then he started choking me. I couldn't breathe. The one thought I had was...he is finally going to kill me. I guess at some point I must have passed out. The problem is...he wasn't ALWAYS nasty. There WERE good days. These days gave me hope that we could work out this problem. He always apologized after beating me and told me he loved me and it would never happen again! I believed him because I WANTED to believe him. It never got better. After a terrible beating one night, I ran out of the house....determined that if he wasn't going to kill me, I would do it my self. I had been taking some strong meds and I had the bottle with me. I stopped and bought some vodka and took the rest of the money I had and got a motel room. There I proceeded to do what I had to do. Fortunately (now), I woke up in a hospital bed. Apparently when I didn't come home after a couple of hours, he decided to go look for me and found my car parked at the motel...I wasn't smart enough to hide it. He told the police I had been depressed and out of control. HE wanted to have me locked away. I talked to doctors in the hospital, and they felt I would be ok to go home. Just needed to take it easy. They even gave me more meds. I threw them away! This is only a glimpse at the HIGHLIGHTS of my abusive marriage...which finally ended in divorce after 13 years because he found someone else. However, he continued to come after me. He almost got all of the money I had in my bank account, enjoyed having my phone and utilities turned off, and general harrassing. I ended up CHANGING MY NAME and leaving the state. After being alone for awhile, I finally met someone else. It was very much the same cycle... I stayed in that relationship for 4 years....again determined it could work. I finally gave up and this time I left. Something I learned was....I had to recognize what I was doing. I don't know for sure if I was seeking out this type of person, of if I just got LUCKY!! (Sarcasm) I think it comes for very low self esteem, fear of the unknown and more. I was scared to death to leave either relationship. I had nowhere to go. As much as agencies try, they really are NOT helpful to SINGLE females. This past with violence and a couple of attempts at relationships since (non-abusive) have caused me to be terrified of men and the possibility of a real, happy, loving, lasting relationship. Unfortunately, it's something I want so bad....I still believe in fairy tales and Prince Charming... So have I really survived? OK, now that I am falling apart here at my keyboard...I do hope this helps a little. Let me know if you need more info.... AND Ladies...thank you for letting me take up this space here, hope you're not upset with me for letting it flow out....seems like once I start I can't stop. All I can say is....PLEASE, if anyone is in an abusive relationship...find away out!!