I, too, wish to share my story..
I was sexually abused by my father. The earliest I remember was being 4 years old...God only knows
when it really started...and I am not talking fondling...I remember the pain...the fear..the threats of
being killed if I told anyone...the beatings just to drive the point home.
As time passed, I learned to go inside my head...away...so he could not touch 'me'. I would laugh at
him because he did not know he was not touching 'me' that I was not there. When I was 16 I
became pregnant by him...so the truth finally came out. I went to my mother. I told her
everything...she slapped me and said it was my fault :(
I believe she just could not deal with it...and he always beat her so badly...she was afraid of
him. When he came home from work that day...she confronted him...he BEAT her...then he BEAT
me...kicking me over and over in the head...in the back...in the stomach. I woke up in the hospital. I
had miscarried. I had 4 broken ribs. He had told them my 'boyfriend ' did it to me. I had never
dated...
But I just agreed to his story...afraid to tell the truth. The sexual abuse got even worse after that... :(
At 17 I ran away with a guy I met at school and got married. He never knew about my father...I never
told him.
I could not even undress in front of him, and I would shut down during sex and feel nothing but
hate. He began to drink...he got mean...he began to beat me over the littlest thing. We had 2 children
together. I could not take it any more and left him...the next day I got pulled over in a traffic
check...they were looking for me. My 2 children were in the car with me. They pulled a gun..handcuffed
me and put me in the county jail...for insanity, which a husband can do in the state we lived in..
they would not listen to me. They gave him the kids. He came to the jail, laughing...saying if I did not
come back, I would never see my kids again. I had to be evaluated by 3 doctors before I could be
released. There was a flu epidemic...it took 9 days for the doctor to get to the jail!! I was in a county
jail..with only men in the other cells...I was so scared...it was a nightmare. They let me go, on the
condition I seek therapy, and return to my husband. No one would believe me. I went home.....:( I
went once a week to thearapy...for 3 years...him beating all the time. It took that 3 years to get up
the nerve to leave again. I left, and went 1200 miles away. It took 2 years for him to find me..but
where I was living...they did believe me...and protected me. I divorced him. Lesson learned ..right?
WRONG..
I married another man just like him...the low self esteem made me feel like I deserved no better, and
maybe my mother was rightmaybe I caused it, and if my own dad did not love me...maybe I was
unlovable... :( I still was unable to undress in front of this husband. Finally, after he broke a beer bottle
over my head, I left, and went 2 times a week to therapy....and did not even date for years and
years...till I met My Johnny Angel on the net. Through the years I have learned to love myself...to not
blame myself, but I was still so afraid of men. I told Johnny everything when we chatted...he
understood. He was so sweet...so gentle...and after we got married, I still could not undress :( but
when I had back surgery and had to totally depend on him...to bathe me...help me in the bath room. I
was so embarrassed...and he would joke and make me laugh...and tell me I was beautifuleven in
that body cast, and even in the brace I am in now...
and I grew to trust him...and to no longer hide. God planned it this wayI never would have gotten
used to him any other way if not forced to do so...no matter how much I wanted to. God saw me
through the bad times in my life and he sent me Johnny...the one man who understands me...and is my
best friend. I am at peace in my heart for the first time in my life and no longer afraid. You can
survive! Please...others of you...do not wait...it does not get better...get out before he kills you..you
deserve so much better.....
Thanks for listening...this is the first time I have every told anyone but Johnny the whole truth.....
Shirley
