The State of the World
by Generalissimo Lister
El Presidente de la Republica de la Gran Senorita de la Isla de Bosque Hermoso y Volcan Enojado

20 August 1998:
The United States has recently launched attacks against terrorist pharmeceutical plants in Sudan and Afghanistan. Once again we see the United States using its military strength as a weapon of war. No longer can my country stand by and watch the destruction continue. My mighty armies are being mobilized at this moment. The military regime of the United States can not be allowed to terrorize and humiliate other countries. Terrorist attacks by fundamentalist groups cannot continue either. Enough! My invincible armies shall crush all who oppose! The imperialist dogs will pay for their repeated attacks! I shall extinguish my cigars in the backyards of those who resist! None shall escape drinking deeply of my wrath!

Thank you for your attention.

2 July 1998:
The President of the United States visited China recently, but once again has failed to make a stand for human rights. This is a tragedy, for a country like the United States can certainly use its clout to encourage change. There is an old saying: If you throw poultry at your enemy, he gets free eggs. If my country were to make a stand with non-violent methods, we would be laughed at. That is why my mighty armies will eradicate all opposition! My supreme forces shall annihilate all who stand in my way! My tanks of progress shall roll over and crush all people who stand in their way! No bone shall be left uncrushed! My power shall be supreme!

Thank you and good night.

8 June 1998:
The world is in great trouble today. Both India and Pakistan are threatening each other with nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons are the bane of conventional warfare. Opposing countries that have nuclear weapons avoid attacking each other. This is because they are afraid of nuclear retaliation. We have a saying in my country: Do not use nuclear weapons on your neighbor or you too will be irradiated. I am not afraid of this. My troops fear nothing. My mighty armies shall crush their pitiful regimes! Their nuclear arms are merely extra booty for me to claim! Their pitiful militias are no match for my well-trained soldiers of death and mass destruction! I shall crush them under the heel of my iron boot! Nothing shall stand in my way!

In other parts of the world, Serbs are killing ethnic Albanians. This too is wrong. As they say in my homeland: Both you and your enemies wear the same socks. Under my army, all serve equally. Nobody is excluded from seving proudly in my army of total and complete annihilation. My armies shall crush the pathetic Serbs in their attempt to erradicate Albanians. Nobody shall be spared the wrath of my almighty armies! My grip on the country is like an iron glove! Nothing can slip between my fingers! Soon all shall feel my power!

Thank you for your time.