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Now I'm one of the lucky few who display ALL of these symptoms. Lucky me. But if one time you were so sad you wished you were dead six years ago and it hasn't happened since, you probably don't have a borderline personality, but who knows. Below each "technical" decription, I've put my own two cents about the way these thing manifest in my life. Just to give you an idea that it's not all exactly the same with everyone.
The symptoms that are most often associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can vary in many degrees.
* Note: Most people experience these symptoms form one time to another. With a borderline these symptoms remain constant. This resource should not be used as any form of self-diagnosis and is not intended to replace prefessional evaluation.
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
- This is me freaking out everytime I have to do the smallest thing by myself. Like meeting someone somewhere and arriving first so you have to wait alone. I always assume it's some kind of setup and I'm gonna be ditched. EVERY time. I usually end up so mad or sad. Sometimes I cry. Don't know why. Hence I try to be usually late so I don't have to wiat for people that I don't think are gonna show up.
Like also this week-end my friends are going away without me. (I can't go, I have a broken knee) and my mind automatically assumes that they are glad I'm not going a nd they are going to develop whole new lives andwhen they come back they will have forgotten all about me and will never speak to me again. I spent last night pleading with them not to go without me but they still are. I can't bear the thought of going the whole week-end by myself. This is pushing me over the edge for no reason. I hope I don't stay there. . . These feelings are what cause me to do drastic things to make sure they don't leave me. I'm beginning to wonder if I broke my knee on purpose.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Okay this is called "splitting" according to my therapist. It's when there is no middle ground, or grey area. Which is all too true for me. I either love you or hate you. There is no in between. It's pretty bad. When someone is with me, I love them and they're my best friend. But the second tha person leaves the room, I can't remember what it is like to be with that person and all their flaws come back to me and I begin to loathe and isgust this person who two minutes before was my best friend.
One little sarcastic somment can send me over the edge and result in me giving everyone the silent treatment and then crying myself to sleep later, swearing that I'll never speak to any of them ever again. But then the fear of being alone kicks in and I can't leave.I'm stuck with these people who hate me because I can't stand to be alone, or with them at the same time. This is what causes me to be such a bitch to everyone at all times, and then cry and get angry when someone points out the fact that maybe I'm angry for no reason. I hate those people with a passion.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Okay here we go. This is how I can't make a decision for myself. It's because I don't know who I am, and therefore, what I want. I'm chronically empty as a person. I can't even tell you what my favourite colour is. I think green but I'm not sure. I'm alone right now. If someone else was here they could tell me. I change my mind about what I want to do with my life everyday. I change my religion, my schools, my job . . .I haven't held a job for longer than 8 months in my entire life. I get so bored and fed up that I need a change. Butchange brings with it new people who will surely detest me, and also choices don't mix well with me. I can't decide what kind of drink I want at the bar, or how I take my coffee. I just say, "I'll have th same thing as him" and I get by. My friends have dubber me ht "Personality Theif" since I don't have one of my own and I noticeably steal theirs whenever I'm around. It's really bad, and I guss worse than I thought now that other people are noticing. I am truly one who needs to "find myself" but I don't think it's gonna happen anytime soon.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
- Okay I rule in the excessive spending. My visa card is maxed out as we speak. I can't help it. It's so rarely that I feel good about anything, so if I see something I like, I have no choice but to buy it to see if that feeling will continue after I bring it home. It seldom does. I have all this useless crap that no one would ever want. Anyone want a Star Wars travel mug? I don't. I don't know why I ever did.
I also do extremely well at the dangerous driving bit. Not on purpose. Whenever I get behind the wheel, I'm always debating what would happen if I drove on the wrong side of the road into oncoming traffic. "Why, I'd be killed!" and this always seems like a good idea. I've been in 6 accidents since I got my license and I'm only 21. I don't think I do it on purpose, but maybe it's a subconscious thing.
We're not gonna discuss my sex life . . .
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Okay I'll say it. I'm a cutter. I'm not proud of it. No one knows I do it, but I do. It's a way for me to relieve the stress and anger that build up inside me. I don't know why I do it, and I probably never will, but it works. and the suicidal threats, yeah okay I do that too. Only with my parents. Itknow it kills my dad when I say that "Why don't I just kill myself then, Will you be happy?". It's terirbly mean, and I don't kow why I do that either. I usually mean it to. I don't think a day goes by that I don't lay awake at night thinking, "Why don't you just do it? There's all kinds of ways!" I can't help it. I read books and play music to try and get it out of my head, but it doesn't work. Like just now I told my friend that "maybe I'll see you when you get back I guess." What the hell is that? And she just got mad and told me to stop talking like that. I'm an idiot. No wonder everyone hates me. I'd hate me too.
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- In eglish, this means intense, short period, mood swings. On a daily basis this hapens to me about twenty times. It's all good an then SNAP! I want everyone dead for no reason. and them I' yelling and screaming and crying. Thne ten minutes later, I'm fine again. Sometimes it lasts longer. I was once depressed for three days. That is my record. That is the difference ebtween borderline and depression. It doesn't last long with me. Only long enough for me to feel stupid and want to go home and kill myself. But I never do. I have my one defence, and that's my music. Not to sound extremely cheesy, but I play my guitar, I listen to cd's and stuff to get my mind off my mood or whatever is bothering me. I know if I'm in a sad mood, like right now, I'll throw on some S Club 7 or something equally goofy and that will make me feel mre up and independent. Or my boys U2 who can always help me get through things. It's funny, my favourite song is With or Without You by U2 and my therapist says this is very interesting since the principal character in this song, if they actually existed, is obviously one who suffers from BPD. I find that interesting.
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
- Okay this is what I talked about earlier. I feel like I have no substance inside me. Nothing to offer anyone. Don't ever ask me to describe myself, cause I'll say "I don't know" and I don't know. It's true. When I'm in a group I can suck off the energy of others and maybe begin to gfeel some sort of identity but as soon as they're gone, I'm again alone and empty. This really sucks and usually causes me to become depressed and start fighting with people.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
The essential feature of Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.