Not the best of my scripted works, but I did write this
about twelve days after Phil Hartman died.
CHARACTERS
BRYNN HARTMAN
JOHN LENNON
LINDA MCCARTNEY
BILL KINKEL
PHIL HARTMAN
GABRIEL (the archangel)
FRANK SINATRA
MEMBERS OF THE RAT PACK
A CARDINAL
POPE JOHN PAUL II
PLACE
--THE AFTERLIFE
--THE POPE'S OFFICE
TIME: JUNE 1998
(BRYNN HARTMAN, wandering through the Afterlife, follows a familiar voice. SHE comes upon JOHN LENNON with LINDA MCCARTNEY. JOHN is singing and strumming guitar.) JOHN (sings) I was trying to catch your eye Thought that you were trying to hide I was swallowing my pain-- LINDA Brynn! Brynn, how could you? BRYNN You heard, huh, Linda? Is this John Lennon? What was that song you were singing? JOHN Jealous Guy. BRYNN Oo. Sounds familiar. May I hear it? JOHN Sure. (sings) I was dreaming of the past, And my heart was beating fast. I began to lose control. I began to lose control. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you cry... (BRYNN sobs hard, starts to run. LINDA catches her.) LINDA Where're you going? BRYNN Let me go! Where do you score around here? JOHN You can't do that here. LINDA Here, you have to face your pain. BRYNN Will you shut up! JOHN You don't have to yell. BRYNN Let me go! LINDA You have to face what you did. (BRYNN slaps LINDA. LINDA lets go.) BRYNN Why don't you go have a salad, you no-talent veggie! At least YOUR husband let you into his band-- Oh, Phil! Phil, where are you? I can't find him! I don't want to find him. (A moment. BRYNN recovers.) JOHN (to LINDA) You think I should teach her this song? BRYNN No! (BRYNN runs off.) JOHN Poor girl. She could use a good song. (Another part of the Afterlife: PHIL HARTMAN is talking to another man, BILL.) BILL You know how it is, Mr. Hartman. You love your family, you want them to be happy, you do anything for them. But I have to question the wisdom of giving a deranged family member a gun. PHIL I understand what you mean, Mr. Kinkel. (The archangel GABRIEL appears.) GABRIEL Philip Edward Hartman. (PHIL jumps up at attention.) PHIL Yes, sir! GABRIEL At ease, man. I am the archangel Gabriel. Philip, the Lord has sent me to tell you he want you to give a special performance for the victims of schoolyard shootings. (BILL shivers.) PHIL Working for murdered children...I'd love to, sir. Where is Brynn? GABRIEL She's not ready to see you. So I can tell the Lord you will perform tonight? PHIL Just try to stop me! Ask the Lord to show up and there can be two Jesuses at the show. GABRIEL Or two Sinatras. Uh-oh. FRANK (O.S.) (bellowing) Hartman! PHIL Uh-oh. (FRANK SINATRA rushes in with members of the RAT PACK (eg Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Sammy Davis Jr, Dean Martin, et al)) FRANK Hartman, you punk! There's going to be chunks of you in MY stool! Dean, Peter, Sammy, get him! (RAT PACKERS charge for PHIL. GABRIEL emits a burst of light. FRANK and RAT PACKERS stumble back, blinded.) GABRIEL Be still, you Rat Packers! Get out of here! (FRANK and RAT PACKERS grope around, bump into each other, etc.) Hasn't be been through enough already? Go back to your waiting rooms! (FRANK and RAT PACKERS stumble. GABRIEL helps them form a chain, FRANK in lead. HE points FRANK in right direction, and FRANK and RAT PACKERS exit single file. An office in the Vatican, back on Earth. POPE JOHN PAUL II looking through papers. CARDINAL enters.) CARDINAL You wanted to see me, your Holiness? (CARDINAL enters, kisses POPE's ring, sits.) POPE You are one of my most trusted Cardinals. I've been reading some American newspapers, and surfing the 'net? Tell me, what do you know about this American, Phil Hartman? CARDINAL Oh, terrible, terrible, sir. His wife shot him to death, then she killed herself. They left behind two children. POPE Yes, a terrible tragedy. (HE touches his old gunshot wound.) I feel for him. I've read many wonderful reports about this Hartman. Tell me--do you think such a man could be a candidate for sainthood? CARDINAL Sainthood? Your Holiness, he worked for Saturday Night Live! POPE A mistake. Is that the show where this Irishwoman tore up my picture? CARDINAL That's the show. (POPE "tsks".) POPE Actually, Saturday Night Live can be a very funny show if they tried. Too bad it's so vulgar. CARDINAL Sir, there are rumors this Hartman committed adultery. POPE Rumor, schmumors. So did King David. CARDINAL Your Holiness! POPE I've read many things that say this Hartman was a humble man, generous, kind--a very good worker. That's a rare thing in comedy--someone without the big ego. I hear evidence that he may have even been devout. CARDINAL A devout comedian? He made fun of Jesus on that Saturday Night show! POPE Did he? I also read he prayed every night before that show. Did he believe in Jesus? CARDINAL He might have. POPE Was he Catholic? CARDINAL I think so. POPE Good. I don't want another fiasco like that Martin Luther King thing a few years ago. A Baptist preacher named a saint in the Catholic church? What if that nomination weren't caught in time? Well--let's get some people on this Hartman case. Build up a folder. The Americans can use another saint. CARDINAL Er...he started out as a Canadian, Your Holiness. POPE All the better. Can you even name me a Canadian saint? I don't think we've had a comic as a saint since Genesius. (sic) Hmm...Saint Philip Hartman. Patron saint of comedians. And domestic violence victims. Now go and start working on it. Go. Woo, woo, woo. (CARDINAL kisses POPE's ring, exits.) Woo, woo, woo. (Back in the Afterlife, PHIL is practicing voices.) PHIL Let me tell you, there's going to be a whole BUNCH of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton... Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may know me from such films as Christmas Ape, and Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp... (looks around furtively) When I was seventeen, It was a very good year-- (GABRIEL enters.) GABRIEL Phil? (PHIL startles.) PHIL Don't do that! (realizing to whom HE's speaking) Sorry. GABRIEL Phil, someone wants so see you. Now I saved you from Sinatra and his goons, so you owe me. (GABRIEL motions and BRYNN enters.) PHIL Brynn! Are you all right? (PHIL touches her and BRYNN recoils.) Where are our kids? BRYNN Don't worry. I was only mad at you. PHIL When I said "I need you like I need a hole in the head," I didn't mean-- BRYNN I can't stay long. PHIL Where are you going? (no answer) GABRIEL Someplace else. PHIL (to BRYNN) Why couldn't you hang on? Two more years and I would've retired-- BRYNN Please. Let me do this. John? (JOHN LENNON comes in with guitar. PHIL gasps.) John taught me this song...I want to sing to you...before I go... GABRIEL Go on. (JOHN strums. BRYNN sings the song JEALOUS GUY.) (to be continued--maybe) written by MNL 6/11/98 entered here, with revisions, 7/9/99
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