(BRYNN HARTMAN, wandering through the Afterlife, follows a
familiar voice.  SHE comes upon JOHN LENNON with LINDA MCCARTNEY.
JOHN is singing and strumming guitar.)

JOHN
(sings)
I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain--

LINDA
Brynn!  Brynn, how could you?

BRYNN
You heard, huh, Linda?  Is this John Lennon?
What was that song you were singing?

JOHN
Jealous Guy.

BRYNN
Oo.  Sounds familiar.  May I hear it?

JOHN
Sure.

(sings)
I was dreaming of the past,
And my heart was beating fast.
I began to lose control.
I began to lose control.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry... 

(BRYNN sobs hard, starts to run.  LINDA catches her.)

LINDA
Where're you going?

BRYNN
Let me go!  Where do you score around here?

JOHN
You can't do that here.

LINDA
Here, you have to face your pain.

BRYNN
Will you shut up!

JOHN
You don't have to yell.

BRYNN
Let me go!

LINDA
You have to face what you did.

(BRYNN slaps LINDA.  LINDA lets go.)

BRYNN
Why don't you go have a salad, you no-talent veggie!
At least YOUR husband let you into his band--

Oh, Phil!  Phil, where are you?  I can't find him!
I don't want to find him.

(A moment.  BRYNN recovers.)


JOHN
(to LINDA)
You think I should teach her this song?

BRYNN
No!

(BRYNN runs off.)

JOHN
Poor girl.  She could use a good song.

(Another part of the Afterlife: PHIL HARTMAN is talking to
another man, BILL.)

BILL
You know how it is, Mr. Hartman.  You love your family,
you want them to be happy, you do anything for them.
But I have to question the wisdom of giving a deranged
family member a gun.

PHIL
I understand what you mean, Mr. Kinkel.

(The archangel GABRIEL appears.)

GABRIEL
Philip Edward Hartman.

(PHIL jumps up at attention.)

PHIL
Yes, sir!

GABRIEL
At ease, man.  I am the archangel Gabriel.  Philip,
the Lord has sent me to tell you he want you to
give a special performance for the victims of 
schoolyard shootings.

(BILL shivers.)

PHIL
Working for murdered children...I'd love to, sir.
Where is Brynn?

GABRIEL
She's not ready to see you.  So I can tell the
Lord you will perform tonight?

PHIL
Just try to stop me!  Ask the Lord to show up
and there can be two Jesuses at the show.

GABRIEL
Or two Sinatras.  Uh-oh.

FRANK (O.S.)
(bellowing)
Hartman!

PHIL
Uh-oh.

(FRANK SINATRA rushes in with members of the RAT PACK
(eg Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Sammy Davis Jr, 
Dean Martin, et al))

FRANK
Hartman, you punk!  There's going to be chunks of you
in MY stool!  Dean, Peter, Sammy, get him!

(RAT PACKERS charge for PHIL.  GABRIEL emits a burst of
light.  FRANK and RAT PACKERS stumble back, blinded.)

GABRIEL
Be still, you Rat Packers!  Get out of here!

(FRANK and RAT PACKERS grope around, bump into each other, etc.)

Hasn't be been through enough already?  Go back
to your waiting rooms!

(FRANK and RAT PACKERS stumble.  GABRIEL helps them form a 
chain, FRANK in lead.  HE points FRANK in right direction, 
and FRANK and RAT PACKERS exit single file.

An office in the Vatican, back on Earth.  POPE JOHN PAUL II
looking through papers.  CARDINAL enters.)

CARDINAL
You wanted to see me, your Holiness?

(CARDINAL enters, kisses POPE's ring, sits.)

POPE
You are one of my most trusted Cardinals.
I've been reading some American newspapers,
and surfing the 'net?  Tell me, what do you
know about this American, Phil Hartman?

CARDINAL
Oh, terrible, terrible, sir.  His wife shot
him to death, then she killed herself.  They
left behind two children.

POPE
Yes, a terrible tragedy.

(HE touches his old gunshot wound.)

I feel for him.

I've read many wonderful reports about this
Hartman.  Tell me--do you think such a man
could be a candidate for sainthood?

CARDINAL
Sainthood?  Your Holiness, he worked for
Saturday Night Live!

POPE 
A mistake.  Is that the show where this
Irishwoman tore up my picture?

CARDINAL
That's the show.

(POPE "tsks".)

POPE
Actually, Saturday Night Live can be a
very funny show if they tried.  Too bad
it's so vulgar.

CARDINAL
Sir, there are rumors this Hartman committed adultery.

POPE
Rumor, schmumors.  So did King David.

CARDINAL
Your Holiness!

POPE
I've read many things that say this Hartman was
a humble man, generous, kind--a very good worker.
That's a rare thing in comedy--someone without
the big ego.  I hear evidence that he may have
even been devout.

CARDINAL
A devout comedian?  He made fun of Jesus on
that Saturday Night show!

POPE
Did he?  I also read he prayed every night
before that show.  Did he believe in Jesus?

CARDINAL
He might have.

POPE
Was he Catholic?

CARDINAL
I think so.

POPE
Good.  I don't want another fiasco like
that Martin Luther King thing a few years
ago.  A Baptist preacher named a saint in
the Catholic church?  What if that 
nomination weren't caught in time?

Well--let's get some people on this
Hartman case.  Build up a folder.
The Americans can use another saint.

CARDINAL
Er...he started out as a Canadian, Your Holiness.

POPE
All the better.  Can you even name me a Canadian
saint?  I don't think we've had a comic as a
saint since Genesius. (sic)

Hmm...Saint Philip Hartman.  Patron saint of
comedians. And domestic violence victims.
Now go and start working on it.  Go. Woo, woo, woo.

(CARDINAL kisses POPE's ring, exits.)

Woo, woo, woo.

(Back in the Afterlife, PHIL is practicing voices.)

PHIL
Let me tell you, there's going to be a whole
BUNCH of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton...
Hi, I'm Troy McClure!  You may know me from 
such films as Christmas Ape, and Christmas Ape
Goes To Summer Camp...

(looks around furtively)

When I was seventeen,
It was a very good year--

(GABRIEL enters.)

GABRIEL
Phil?

(PHIL startles.)

PHIL
Don't do that!  

(realizing to whom HE's speaking)

Sorry.

GABRIEL
Phil, someone wants so see you.  Now I saved you
from Sinatra and his goons, so you owe me.

(GABRIEL motions and BRYNN enters.)

PHIL
Brynn!  Are you all right?

(PHIL touches her and BRYNN recoils.)

Where are our kids?

BRYNN
Don't worry.  I was only mad at you.

PHIL
When I said "I need you like I need a
hole in the head," I didn't mean--

BRYNN
I can't stay long.

PHIL
Where are you going?

(no answer)

GABRIEL
Someplace else.

PHIL
(to BRYNN)
Why couldn't you hang on?  Two more years
and I would've retired--

BRYNN
Please.  Let me do this.  John?

(JOHN LENNON comes in with guitar.  PHIL gasps.)

John taught me this song...I want to sing to
you...before I go...

GABRIEL
Go on.

(JOHN strums.  BRYNN sings the song JEALOUS GUY.)

(to be continued--maybe)


written by MNL 6/11/98
entered here, with revisions, 7/9/99