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Ya Can't Please em All
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
What the Perfect Woman Might Say
*I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
*Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
*I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!
*Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
*God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
*I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
*You're so sexy when you're hungover.
*I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
*Let's subscribe to Hustler.
*Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
*Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
*I'll be out painting the house.
*I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
*Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!
*I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
*No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
*Your mother did a great job raising you.
*Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
*I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
*Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
*Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!
*Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
*You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
*That was a great fart! Do another one!
*I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...
Celibacy Test
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She
begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."
As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
Penis Study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.
Life's Not That Bad
If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg? You only get
laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your
mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!
Life is Backwards
Life is tough enough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it??? DEATH! Personally, I think the life cycle is backwards. You should DIE FIRST, get it out of the way! Then you live in an old age home. Your get kicked out when you’re too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school. You become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby and have everything done for you. You have all the breast action you want for months. You climb back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating and then you finish off as an orgasm!
Sweet Revenge
A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?"
The boy replies, "I'm nine years old, and I want a prostitute."
The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young."
To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table.
"She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs."
"I want a girl with active herpes."
"I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table.
"She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs."
So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog.
Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him, "I have a couple of questions before you go kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, why a girl with herpes?"
The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll nail the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will bang the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!"
Mirror Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off.
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