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Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him
that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Golf and the "F" Word
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f**king putt!!!"
More Golf
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied:
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Even More Golf
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a
corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.
I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
Is this turning into the Golf Page??
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A Man's Dream Epitaph
And as they lay me in my grave
Pussy I no longer crave
But on my stone it shall be written
I got my share
And I ain’t shittin’!!
Dangers of Drugs
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail
time. I
want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug
use
and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court
Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17
people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did
you
tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like
this.....
O
o
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you, how did you do?" -the
judge asked the second guy. "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to
give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to
do that ?" "Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles)....
o
O
"I said," (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before
prison..."
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