Ask Auntie Cally.

Fade in…. The camera pans round a small room. It is almost bare except for an old worn desk propped upby a couple of telephone directories in one corner and a rickety looking chair.

There is a commotion going on outside the door, as the sounds of battle reach the cameras microphone, the viewer can hear clashes of swords, battlecries, and screams of the dying.

The door is thrown open and a tall figure enters, dressed in full platemail armour, the fighter is battling off a tall demon-like creature, she (for that is all one can tell by the shape of the armour) does a cunning feint to the left while skewing the demon through the heart. The monster slumps, and a swift kick by the warrioress gets him out of the room as she slams the door.

She turns to survey the room, and removes her helmet. Flame red hair tumbles down over broad shoulders and a beautiful Elven-like face is revealed. "Bloody hellfire Marc Farrimond, you ask me to come write for you and the best you could come up with is a 10 x 10 hut in the middle of a warzone !! What was I thinking ??!!", "Why, there’s not even a chest in the corner, man you have no respect for tradition…." She sighs dramatically and proceeds to remove the rest of her armour, dropping it unceremoniously on the floor. Standing in her undergarments, the woman puts her hands on her hips and her eyebrows furrow in concentration.

"Ahh !" She clicks her fingers and the hut fills with smoke. As it clears, the room is transformed, as is its occupant. Now dressed in blue jeans, a white crop top and Doc Martens, she pours herself a drink from the recently appeared mini bar and surveys her ‘minor’ changes. The room is now much larger and covered in sumptuous carpeting and wall tapestries. A large sofa is against one wall and a big wooden writing desk with matching leather chair is in one corner. A fire blazes cosily … The young lady lounges gracefully on the sofa and looks towards the camera, her sea green eyes boring into the watcher.

"Why I have been so rude, let me introduce myself. My name is Cally. I have been asked to come here in my capacity as, umm let’s see what was it? Oh yeah, an Agony Aunt for Roleplayers. So here I am, Auntie Cally at your service."

"So what does that mean? Well, I am here to answer your questions, solve the meaning of your pathetic little lives, and generally make role playing a more enjoyable experience all round. So, do you have a problem in your games? A rules interpretation causing fights to break out, Can’t decide who’s turn it is to bring the pizza, how to deal with those pesky rules lawyers, or what to do when there’s just no-one out there to play with… Talk to Auntie and I’ll promise to try and help out."

There is a nervous knock on the door….

"So, the demons are knocking now?" Cally stands, grabs her sword in her left hand, and strikes a dramatic pose… "Enter…."

The door creaks open slowly (as in the best traditions of all bad horror movies) and in steps a small Kobold. He looks terrified but manages to stammer out :"Ummm, Miss Cally? Errr, umm I have a letter for you."

"My my that was quick. You lot must be a desperate bunch… give it here little man."

The kobold drops the letter into Callys perfectly manicured hand and exits stage right.

Cally returns to the couch and opens up the scroll…

***Dear Auntie Cally,

I’m hoping you will be able to help me. I am a 16 year old boy called David, and I started to roleplay 3 years ago in order to meet girls..***

Cally smiles "Boy did you pick the wrong hobby, buddy ! "

***Umm, so anyway, I haven’t met any yet cos there just seems to be guys like me there, so I was wondering if you could give me any tips on how to attract beautiful young women like yourself to my gaming table.

Yours, desperate and dateless,

David.

P.S. I enclose a photo. ***

"Well Davey boy that is a tough one. There aren’t many of us drop dead gorgeous, but devastating intelligent women who roleplay. However, let me put a few ideas your way. "

"Firstly, and I don’t mean to be rude, but based on your photo, take a shower, Get a haircut and for crying out loud use a good astringent !! Also, anoraks just aren’t a turn on honey. Secondly, don’t ever let your mates invite their girlfriends. They don’t want to be there, o.k.? And you inevitably end up with their characters getting off with each other in the game, and it just goes down hill and gets messy real fast."

"OK, so where can you go. Well Universities are always a good start. The women have to have a certain level of intelligence to get into one, and are often more open to experimental forms of pleasure… <smiles>. Advertise on a notice board, interview suitable candidates and hire accordingly. We also occasionally frequent comic shops and the sci-fi and fantasy areas of bookshops, but only very early in the morning before the weirdo men show up. You will have to learn some stealth techniques to catch us there, oh and get out of bed before noon."

"Well I think that’s enough advice for one letter… You go for it Davey and let me know how you get on."

Umm time for one more letter this week I think before I go and walk the dragon. Our next anguished young person has a real problem at hand!

Sigh. A woman's work is never done is it.

Dear Failing bad guy,

Well it does seem as if you have suffered somewhat. I'll take your points one

by one and see if I cant offer some sound advice for you...

my peers have. The place is okay, but gets a bit draughty in the winter,

and it's very difficult to get my skeletal minions to dramatically burst

through the floor, given that it's granite. Poor old Bob gave it a go, just

to impress me, and we still haven't found his skull. Anyway, I digress.

Well this can be solved by when you get the opportunity to remodel again, dig

those tunnels 6 feet deeper, put a nice firm layer of soil of the top, still

leaving 6 feet or so's head room. The your faithful skellys should be able to

burst through the ground suitably dramatically.

In order to make my dungeon home more attractive to the adventuring

classes, I have enlisted the help of a firm of builders. "Grey, Rock and

Stone, Troll builders to the truly evil." I employed them to make my mine a

great dungeon and they have almost ruined me. They call themselves builders

of distinction but just look at what they've done to my lovely home:

Oh dear oh dear... NEVER hire G.R.& S ! I've heard so many similar stories

from other evil empire builders who hire these people. They may be cheap, but

as you've found out, the work is less than satisfactory. Plus, they

have terrible builders bums <smile.

1. Built a fine entrance chamber, where I have placed my trusty Orc guard,

in his chainmail with his longsword and a chest. Something didn't look

right, so I checked the size of the room - 8' by 9'! What dungeon has an

8' by 9' room?

Shucks, well this just stinks of G.R.&.S's handiwork. All I can suggest is

that you seal off the doorways and when adventurers come in, they will have

to dig an exit for themselves, over time, this should make the room back up

to standard specifications.

2. One of the main rooms, my graveyard, has been built in the shape of a

pentagon. Making any sort of graph paper mapping truly inconvenient.

Although this is true, once you have made the map once it will be good to go

all the time. The adventurers who try to conquer your dungeons will have

problems every time, so this could be played as an advantage.

3. They put a spear trap in the wall near my treasure room without

including a mechanism for me to disarm it. I can't get past the thing -

and that's the section of the dungeon with the Khazi in it!

Ah, yes, typical problem this. Can I suggest hiring several gully dwarves,

snotlings or some other suitably cheap cannon fodder . Tell them to get

through the area, and once all the spears have been used, - you might want

to make sure the victims aren’t wearing armour so the majority of the spears

can be reused - you can enter safely and add that disarming mechanism.. Or

maybe it would be worth setting up a remote control disarming mechanism. Easy

for you to get through, a sod for the poor adventuring thieves who try in

vain to find it {evil grin}

4. Included torch brackets at regular intervals, so my dungeon is brightly

lit, and nothing can lurk in the eerie shadows.

This is just a case of going round with a hammer and getting rid of those you

don’t want. Even better, allow the monsters that inhabit those bits of the

dungeon to personalise it in their own way, designing eerie shadows allows

your monsters to feel part of the dungeon, a bit of interaction and ideas

sharing makes them feel more like part of the company, which in turn makes

them more interested in defending their particular part of your home.

5. Built a sunken room with excellent drainage. I found this out two days

after I'd filled it and stocked it with a dozen giant pihranas.

Hmmm, tricky one, you may not be able to do anything other than block up the

drains with suitable adventurers corpses. This isn’t a permanent solution of

course as they will need changing regularly, but at least you do have a use

for all those bodies. Recycle !!

So you can see, they are making my dungeon a laughing stock. War Duke

Ranald, of the Blasted Heath, came round yesterday and when he left, I

could see his shoulders bouncing up and down in uncontrollable laughter. I

Once you are solvent again, I would send an army his way and make him truly

suffer for his insolence.

have confronted the builders and told them that if they did not make the

improvements, then I wouldn't pay. They just threatened me with a good

kicking, then tunneled down to my treasure room and cleared me out.

Ooops. Bad mistake. I hope you didn’t put all your treasure in the one room.

Fortunately for you, as there are several evil rulers who have suffered at

the hands of these nefarious builders, I suggest you get in touch with them

(A quick note on the old oak noticeboard should get you some names), band

together and go get back your money, hopefully you will be able to put these

builders out of business ( a few assassins in your group could see to that).

Then of course, you must double cross your allies in order to get all the

money, and once done, you should then be able to finish your dungeon.

What can I do? I'm at the end of my tether and am considering giving up the

evil ruler lifestyle for something a bit more relaxed in local government.

Don’t give up. Take my advice and soon you will be cozy in your own little

private hell.

Yours,

Auntie Cally

So, all you guys, and gals (yes I know there are a few of us !) out there in the big old wide world, write to me and I will share my words of wisdom with you all..

Oh, and please, no more photos…..

Love and Kisses,

Auntie Cally.