Religious Proclamation May Or May Not Save Lives

Cheerleader now says, "Jesus!"

In a startling announcement, a St. Louis man claimed that he was able to walk away from a major car wreck because he had uttered "Jesus!" as the car began to spin from the road.   Professional football player Isaac Bruce, of the St. Louis Rams NFL team, was not hurt when his Mercedes left Interstate 70 due to a tire blowout.  The car performed several movie auto stunts before landing in a heap.  Bruce said, "I didn't even break a fingernail." The car, he added, "looked like a can that you stepped on."   "The moral of the story is to yell out ‘Jesus!' when you're in trouble.  That's what I tell everybody. Here I am, giving my testimony."   The news "is a startling announcement," claimed the Pope, a professional Catholic playing for the Vatican team.  "Football players have always had a special place in Jesus' heart, if only they just yell his name when they're about to leave the pavement."   Scientist Lynne Notnow agreed.   "While there is not a single bit of evidence to confirm Bruce's startling announcement, it certainly wouldn't hurt to yell the name of your own personal savior.  Would it?"   Reaction was wide-ranging.  Expenso Insurance, an insurance company based in Nevada with profits of $9 trillion annually, released a statement, which read in part:   "...in reaction to Bruce's startling announcement, we will make no changes in policies or premiums.  ...business as usual: raising premiums three or four times a year, at ten to fifteen percent of current rates, regardless of how low inflation may be.   Contrary to rumor and wishful thinking, we will not offer discounts to people who yell ‘Jesus!' hoping to prevent injuries or death."   Most people were not deterred, however.   Faster than the spread of an overpriced children's toy craze, the gullible and fickle everywhere are now yelling "Jesus!" at random moments that are both odd and awkward.   Illinois, Colorado and Texas report cities with entire populations yelling, so much so that the people there are becoming edgy, jumpy, and paranoid, which makes them yell even more often, making everyone else edgier, jumpier and more paranoid.   The unconfirmed preventive exclamation has now become, ironically, a dangerous catchphrase.   Several accidents, fistfights, thefts and marital infidelities have been blamed on a "rash of startling announcements" according to Corpus Christi police chief Imad Onut.  "I was not surprised to see marital infidelities, but accidents?  That surprised me."   People not living in Illinois, Colorado or Texas are exercising some degree of common sense.  Like Isaac Bruce, with whom this all began.  He instructed his grandparents to yell "Jesus!" on highways and stairwells, and for his friends' kids to utter the startling announcement during sexual intercourse.   "Jesus may not find them, but their parents will. Then they will learn that ‘Oh my God' just isn't as effective as ‘Jesus!' "