My Ivory Soap is terrorist-proof. Having just turned 40, I am accutely aware of the changes since 9/11, and my showering experience is the latest victim.

I discovered this belated reaction by Proctor & Gamble just this morning, when I needed to unwrap my 3-pack of Ivory bars. Although I normally cut through the outer plastic layer with small scissors that double for nose-hair trimmers, today I decided to bare-hand it.

What a mistake! At first, I tried from the sides, where that overlap creates a small triangle of hard, compact plastic. And in spite of my untrimmed fingernails (five days now, egads!), I was not able to pry apart enough plastic for a good ripping tear across the bars proper.

After a brief examination of the packaging, I found a subtle change, one which I must admit may have gone un-noticed for several months. A small "Open Here" tag printed on the face of the tri-pack set.

Alas, it was not to be! No matter how I tried, I could only strip away small peels of wrapping! Eventually I had to return to the sides and pull that flap of hard plastic away, which gave and pulled a large swath away from one of the end bars.

It was at this moment I realized the lengths a terrorist must go to in this country to attack my vulnerable shower flesh. With millions of Americans showering daily, and millions more showering each week, soap seems a safe bet for future terrorist mischief, or even serious harm! Anyone who's ever broken out in a rash knows the right lye is essential for proper hygiene.

I salute the folks who make Ivory Soap, but marvel at their methods. Couldn't the "Open Here" have worked as expected? No al-Qaeda worth his weight in suicide bombs would use such an obvious entry point into a consumer good, for fear of leaving obvious marks of tampering.

Who am I to say? Only a clean American with a worried mind? Certainly. However, I now realize the number of products which have been terror-proofed in the last year or so:

• Heinz Ketchup now squirts from the bottom of the bottle (much like Uncle Frank), making insertion of mustard gases and various liquids nearly impossible.
  
• Tampax now has shorter strings, ensuring that my girlfriend will no longer have her period ruined by tampon-plucking.
  
• Blockbuster DVDs are now contained in plastic cases with strip locks, to guarantee the lint, scratches and defects from the previous user are not repaired.
  
• Songs are now sold individually, instead of in CD format, making it harder for terrorists to replace Metallica tunes with something I might want to hear.
  
• Gas pumps now have plastic guards, much like over-sized foreskins, guaranteeing that I can not put any gas from the Middle East into my ‘Marikan-made SUV.