A DISEASE OF BREEDERS

We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus, among dog-owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has science identified this disease, and begun study it. We call it the Acquired Canine Obsessive Syndrome (ACOS). At first, ACOS was originally considered to be psychological in origin, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease, and typical symptoms.

Here are the stages and their symptoms as we know them today:

A. You have early symptoms (Stage I) if:

1. You think that any show within 300 miles is close by.
2. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 in the morning to walk and feed dogs.
3. It is fun to spend several hours a day grooming dogs.
4. You think you're being frugal if you spend less than $3000 dollars a year on shows.
5. You can't remember what it was like to have just one dog.

B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:

1. Your most important factor when buying a car is how many crates you can fit in it.
2. When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many dogs you can kennel on the property.
3. Your dog food bill is higher than your family's.
4. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors.
5. You have no money because of showing dogs.
6. You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the 7 year or 70,000 miles warranty going to shows.
7. You have more pictures of the dogs than of your family.
8. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit.
9. Most of your conversations revolve around the dogs.

C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:

1. You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the crates, and the dogs in the beds last night.
2. You know each dog's name and pedigree, but can't figure out who that stranger in the house is, and it turns out to be your wife (or husband).
3. Your neighbors keep insisting that that those kids running around your house bothering the dogs are yours.
4. You keep telling the kids to "heel", and can't understand why they won't, and why they keep objecting to the choke chain.
5. You cash in the kid's college trust fund to campaign the dogs.
6. You've been on the road showing so long that you can't remember where you live.
7. Your family tells you "It's either the dogs or us!", and you choose the dogs.

Do you have this dread disease? Well there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at stage II, and remain chronic. We have, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III ACOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (delusionally holding a leash?), and making chirping noises or repetitively saying "cookie" in a high pitched voice. Merely saying the word "Westminster" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy. Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and research, we hope to further understand this disease, and come up with a cure. We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.

An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with ACOS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, wives, husbands) who have absolutely no signs of the disease. It is thought by some of our reseachers that this may be due to some environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or may be due to the fact that people in these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members, due possibly to the memory deficit induced by the disease -- that is, in laymen's terms, they don't remember that they have close family members!

What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the best measure. Avoid kennels advertising "show stock", since it may be that dogs are carriers of the disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a dog show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an ACOS afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with a germicidal soap. If you are living with one, take comfort in the fact that if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably safe.


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