IF a Woman You Love Gets Raped

To many men (and perhaps women), "rape" simply connotes coerced sexual intercourse. This definition obscurs the violence and degredation of this crime. Intercourse may have nothing to do with it. Rapists freely admit that the sexual aspect of rape is secondary to the desire to humiliate the victim. Sexual assault may be a crime of lust but it is a lust for power, not necessarily for sex. For this reason, counselors prefer the term "sexual assault" to "rape." "Rape" focuses too much attention on the dimension of intercourse, "sexual assault" emphasizes the violence fundamental to this crime. Authorities agree that sexual assault is the nations number two violent crime, second only to wife beating. Despite increased police sensitivity, no more than 50% of all sexual assaults are ever reported. Why the low reporting rate? Largely because many victims fear confrontations with the police and lovers who may still believe many of the rape myths that abound in our culture.

The Guidelines For Supporting Recovery

Police reporting-- If the victim chooses to report in hopes of getting a conviction, she should do so as quickly as possible without changing clothes or bathing, which might destroy the evidence. If she prefers to call a friend, change clothes, then bathe that is her perogative, but it reduces the liklihood of a conviction. Medical help-- Don't rush the woman to the emergency room, if she doesn't want to go. Vd and pregnancy tests can wait. Support people should make medical decisions only if the victim is too injured to make them herself. Rape crisis centers-- Many communities have rape counseling services. You might ask if the woman would like you to call one. Relationship counseling--- Sexual assault causes tremendous strains in even the most stable and supportive relationships. When the woman feels up to it, relationship counseling is a good idea. Making love again--This is the most difficult aspect of recovering from sexual assault. The woman may not want to make love for a while. Like all decisions in the aftermath of rape, the decision to resume lovemaking should be left up to her. Womens sexual reactions to rape vary considerably. Some want to make love right away to reassure themselves that their lovers still love them, don't blame them, and don't consider them "soiled." Others cannot even think of sex for a long time. One woman might want to be held and cuddled immediately, but may need time before she feels comfortable with sexuality. Another might get angry and remind her lover of the times he may have crossed the line from coaxing to coercion. While exercising patience,however, a man should reassure a lover recovering from sexual assault that he still loves her and wants to make love with her. Recovery from sexual assault is difficult. For a man, helping a lover recover from rape takes time, love, and patience.

Beyond Recovery

Physcologists say that the recovery process ends with "acceptance" when victims have processed grief and reconstructed their lives. There is, however, another stage beyond acceptance --action. Crime victims can become key people in neighborhood crime -- prevention efforts. They know only too well what victimization means, and recounting their experiences can make crime real for neighbors who might otherwise not be interested in building community cohesiveness.

Rape Myths

------She Was Asking For It------- This myth says that women who dress provocatively "invite" sexual assault. It makes as much sense as saying that men who wear expensive suits invite robbery. It fails to explain how nuns and grandmothers fall victim to this crime. There is an "invitation stage" to street assault, but it has nothing to do with dress it has to do with appearing distracted. A conservatively dressed woman in a fog is more likely target of sexual assault than an alluringly dressed woman with an assertive stride and a look that says, "Don't mess with me." ------You Cannot Thread a Moving Needle--------- This myth declares that rape is impossible because the victim must consent in order for the assailant to be able to insert his penis into the opening of his choice. It makes as much sense as saying that mugging is impossible because the victim must consent to the transfer of funds for the robber to be able to remove his wallet. Weapons and death treats are the rule in rape, and attacks by groups are common. Most people become remarkably cooperative in the face of death threats by armed assailants who appear quite capable of murder. Fianally, "threading the needle" that is penetration is not necessary for the victim to feel severly traumatized. ------False Accusation---- "Rape," wrote the seventeenth-century English jurist Lord Chief Justice Mathew Hale, "is an accusation made easily and hard to prove." But how easy is it to make a false accusation of a sexual assault? About as easy as accusing someone of a $100 mugging at gunpoint. A false accusation of mugging would be simple: The "victim" would not have to show any injury, only emotional distress, which is easy to fake. The "mugger" would not have to posess the money or any weapon for the crime to have taken place. In fact, it would be easier to make a false accusation of mugging than rape because in the former, noone is intrested in the victims underwear or sexual history. If it is so easy to make a false accusation of mugging why don't more people suspect that? Because any such accusation invites police interrogation and life disruption, not to mention the risk of prosecution if the accusation proves false. How many men would report a true case of anal rape let alone a false accusation?

Rape Recovery Links

Sexual Assault Significant Others Forum: chat room and message board for significant others of sexual assault victims
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