1:26am

I fell asleep just after 9 last night. Memories of Mike and Josh were constantly running through my mind. I picked up my yearbook yesterday, and I was just stuck to those two specific sections.

They neglected to mention that I had made a tribute page on the Net for them in the yearbook. I should probably be mad, but I'm not.

God, even as I write this, more than 6 months after the tragedy, I still find myself fighting the tears. There are days when I have sudden flashbacks of them, and I find it hard to breathe. I understand that I wasn't their best friend. Far from it, actually. But whether or not I spoke to them on a daily basis didn't mean I didn't love them both. I DO love them both still. And it hurts me to think that I never got a chance to tell them.

It's when things like this happen that I begin to question my faith. If God was so glorious and good, why would He take them from us? Just pluck them right from our lives as if they were insignificant, which we all know wasn't the case.

Everyday I wish I could've been closer to Mike and Josh. Known them more intimately. (and no I don't mean anything sexually...ish...you people)

The worst part is I am reminded of them on a daily basis. The accident site is right down the road from my house. Some days I find myself purposely taking other routes to my destinations in order to avoid the site. Is that wrong? I don't want it to hurt anymore. Maybe that sounds selfish. And if it does, so be it. On this one incident, I think I'm entitled to be a little selfish. I highly doubt I'm the only one that feels this way, though. The whole damn city was affected, so I'm sure there are others sitting there at now 5:40 am thinking the same thing. Or maybe I'm the only person in this whole world that just can't cope with the fact that two good people. Two boys, on the verge of manhood, were denied that privilege...no...that right, and were taken from us before we even had a chance to say "Hey, you're a good guy" or "You guys are the best".

My deepest sympathies for both families. Compared to their hurting, I basically have no right to even waste the space to vent my emotions. They have suffered the worst. They lost a child. Something they put their hearts and souls into creating and raising. Their child : the one who would carry on the family namesake. The one who would make them proud when they got their scholarship, or when they brought home the girl they wanted to marry. I feel especially sorry for them, because no matter what the circumstances, no parent should ever have to outlive their child. It wasn't meant to be that way.

So my half-awake babble is done. I don't know if I feel better or not. I guess we'll know tonight when I try to sleep. I say try because ever since December, if I've snagged 2 hours sleep at night...that's a good night then. Sleeping has become more of a challenge. But it's one I'm not giving up on.